help- sudden divorce and lots of debt

[LdiJ]

I dont know how to turn on my PMs and I dont know if I want to. I am not sure what he is seeing or looking at. I am using his computer at the house and he does go on there when he comes to the house and I am not here.

I do not want a divorce. I think he is going through a midlife crisis type thing and just needs to blow off steam. We both still want the same things, but he is making me the enemy for his unhappiness and won't listen to me now. The animals are already working on new homes. Although I think he should help rehome them since it hurts to do it and they are his too.

I think if we both just had some time to think, we might come to a point we could talk. but he wants this fast so he can just bail out.

I am going to therapy and have so many things I want to say to him, but he won't hear me. I realize so many things in therapy about how I feel about him and the relationship and the all jive with the things he said he wanted. but now he has shut me off. I feel like this is a rash and wrong decision for us. but I can't do anything about it. but I don't want to let him divorce me quickly, but he said if I contested it and asked for us to be required for counseling that he would not be nice to me anymore and make it hard for me. and I am very vunerable here.

I have a few ideas in place, but I just don't want to lose my marriage. We also both promised to be kind to each other on Friday last we talked, and that we wouldn't do anything drastic or cruel without telling each other first. but I don't know if after we talked on friday and things didn't go well, if he has changed his mind. I dont want to be the first one to make a move because I don't want this. I told him too I would tell him if I hired a lawyer first because he did say he hadn't gotten one yet. I think he wants to avoid legal fees and wants it to be peaceful, quick and amicable. I don't want the divorce.

You can't stop him from getting a divorce if that is what he wants. What you can stop him from doing is treating you unfairly in the property settlement.

 

[Farfalla]

I dont know how to turn on my PMs and I dont know if I want to. I am not sure what he is seeing or looking at. I am using his computer at the house and he does go on there when he comes to the house and I am not here.

PMs are private messages. That means it the messages can only be seen by those parties sending and receiving them. To turn them on go to the pull down list at the lower right of this web page. Scroll all the way up in the list. You will see “private messages”. Click on that… you can turn on your pm’s on that page.
Now about your husband checking the computer... How computer savvy is he? You can get software that will check for key stroke monitors, and software that will clean your computer after every time you use it. If you are computer savvy yourself, you could do that… delete all the cookies, etc.

I do not want a divorce. I think he is going through a midlife crisis type thing and just needs to blow off steam. We both still want the same things, but he is making me the enemy for his unhappiness and won't listen to me now.

You still need to protect yourself. Many people go through these things, file for divorce and then never finish the divorce. Even if you don’t want a divorce, letting him do what he to you as far as finances, bulling you thinking that he is in control of all this… will not help you if your intent is to save your marriage. Sometimes changing the bank accounts, filing for divorce, etc will shock a person into reality. Protect yourself… he will in the end respect you more for that. Don’t forget that you will also be protecting marital assets from his whims right now. And that’s a benefit to both of you. Divorces take months and sometimes years. A lot will change in that time… who knows he may come to his senses.
And yes he will see you as the enemy right now. It’s a lot easier than admitting his fault in the mess you two are in financially. The stress on the two of you has to be very bad from the financiers. You can be firm on protecting yourself but not attack him. It’s a fine line and one he will not realize you are doing for a while.

The animals are already working on new homes. Although I think he should help rehome them since it hurts to do it and they are his too.
I think if we both just had some time to think, we might come to a point we could talk. but he wants this fast so he can just bail out.

Yes he should help with the animals. But that’s not the reality of things right now. Dealing with reality has to be your main goal at this time.
He’s going to get a rude awakening. Shedding the marriage is not going to fix the problems. He’s still going to be in debt over his ears. And he’ll have legal fees too. And he will loose half of any community property you two have. He’s in for a very rude shock.

I am going to therapy and have so many things I want to say to him, but he won't hear me. I realize so many things in therapy about how I feel about him and the relationship and the all jive with the things he said he wanted. but now he has shut me off. I feel like this is a rash and wrong decision for us. but I can't do anything about it. but I don't want to let him divorce me quickly, but he said if I contested it and asked for us to be required for counseling that he would not be nice to me anymore and make it hard for me. and I am very vunerable here.

If he wants a divorce he can get one whether or not you agree. He can threaten you all he wants there are laws that protect your rights. He cannot control things like asset and debt split. Nor can he control pre-trial support if it is ordered. What he is doing is throwing himself on the mercy of the judicial system.
If you have a lot to say to him… write him letters and send them via email. That way the words last longer and neither of you can get off track and start arguing.

I have a few ideas in place, but I just don't want to lose my marriage. We also both promised to be kind to each other on Friday last we talked, and that we wouldn't do anything drastic or cruel without telling each other first. but I don't know if after we talked on friday and things didn't go well, if he has changed his mind. I dont want to be the first one to make a move because I don't want this. I told him too I would tell him if I hired a lawyer first because he did say he hadn't gotten one yet. I think he wants to avoid legal fees and wants it to be peaceful, quick and amicable. I don't want the divorce.

He has already broken his promise about being amiable. Yes you can notify him when you hire an attorney… after you hire one. He is trying to play up to you to control you. You need representation or this guy and his monied family are going to walk all over you. If that happens you only have yourself to blame. Do you really think that allowing this is going to save your marriage? Or is it just going to allow him to cause you further problems? Think about it for a while.

 

[sad1]

wow. thank you. what a voice of reason and needed advice. It feels good to be able to check back here and have a response like that. I have gotten a few animals homes I think. I am not going to say anything to him and just let him find out. I do think when he gets into this is he in for a rude awakening. but I am afraid if I don't lie down and give him his way he is going to be really nasty about everything. He is just not in a good place mentally right now. I don't think he has even given it much thought about how complicated it will be.

We have to be seperated for 3 months before we can get a divorce for a no fault right? its only been 3 weeks. and if I contest it, he can't get a divorce until we are seperated for 2 years. not that I really want to do that esp if he keeps being a jerk, but I really don't think this is the right choice for us.

I will take your advice and start working on protecting myself. I dont' want to do anything too rash yet though. its just so soon and we seemed to being doing fine until he up and left. we were talking about going to counseling and had an appt. then he bailed. since he has told me that counseling is...well, crap. so I don't know. he wants me to change and I know I need to change some, but I think he is just lashing out too.

thanks again for all the advice. will see if I can get the PMs working,.

 

[sad1]

so things are getting really strange. won't go into details here though.

I have another bank account but when I opened it I put him as joint owner. now he has to sign to get off that account. I dont know how to get that to happen. I don't want him to know what I am doing yet, but I do not trust him at all right now. I am nervous about him spending lots of money out of his account and him coming into the house. is the only way to protect myself to file for divorce myself? I don't really want to divorce him, but I am not sure I trust him. esp since he isn't talking to me. but is that the only way to protect our marital assets?