Hills worth dying on

[nextwife]

Question- if she were to have her tonsils, etc, removed- so the dr's think this would help with her issues at all in the long run?

The newer research shows great results with ear tubes combined with adenoidectomy, without tonsil removal. A less difficult surgery. My kiddo had an adenoidectomy at about 6, and has had no ear infections since.

 

[CJane]

The newer research shows great results with ear tubes combined with adenoidectomy, without tonsil removal. A less difficult surgery. My kiddo had an adenoidectomy at about 6, and has had no ear infections since.

Let me clarify.

Wild had tubes in her ears when she was about 18 months old after getting 9 ear infections in 6 months.

After that, she's never had an ear infection. What she HAS had is chronic fluid in hear ears, causing scarring on her ear drums, and low frequency hearing loss.

The current issue isn't ear infections, it's actually sinus infections due to allergies. She just doesn't drain like most people. Everything just sits there - whether 'there' is in her ears or sinuses.

 

[MrsK]

The removal of tonsils, etc? There's evidence to support the idea that it WOULD help, yes. However, as it's a VERY SERIOUS surgery at her age, it's not entered into lightly and the medications are actually more likely to keep the issue under control.

Re: Diet change. We tried that when she was 2 or so... it just didn't work. I appreciate the suggestion though, and unfortunately agree with Ldi - it just wouldn't happen at the 'other' house.

UPDATE:

I received a letter from the ex today. He's DEMANDING a 'quarterly meeting' with me next week. Here's the rub(s):

**we haven't had a quarterly meeting since ... the July that I was pregnant, so that'd be... 21 months ago.
**there is no provision in our new order for quarterly meetings.
**there are restraining orders in effect - frankly, I'm scared to meet with him because I can picture him calling the sheriff and claiming I was harassing him.

Here's what the restraining order says:

"That the above named respondent be restrained from any further contact with petitioner"
"Respondent shall not communicate with Petitioner in any manner or through any medium except regarding the children"
"Respondent shall not use, attempt to use, or threaten to use physical force against Petitioner that would reasonably be expected to cause bodily injury and shall not stalk, abuse, threaten to abuse, molest or disturb the peace of Petitioner wherever Petitioner may be found."

The bolded portion is what actually bothers me because today's letter says this:

"Your letters don't seek agreement, they don't suggest options, they are ex parte, positional, they are accusatory, the falsely allege, and as it is a reaction rather than a resolution that you seek, they are a means to an end. Your letters do not appear to be written to anyone who was party to the events that you write about.

Such baseless and accusatory rhetoric can only be written with the intent of harassment or to subvert some undisclosed recipient of OUR correspondence. All your actions do is disturb the peace of my family."

Mind you, this is in response to my letter to him a MONTH ago, that I posted in this thread...

https://forum.freeadvice.com/showthread.php?t=357393&highlight=stupidhead

Following is what he wants to 'discuss' at our 'meeting' (which I don't think I can legally attend).

1) July 4.

It's his weekend. I made an error and thought it was mine and said that he'd get the kids back on the 5th. I have NO issue giving them back the morning of the 4th. So to me, not something that needs discussed.

2) Daycare changes

He wants to "discuss criteria for an acceptable care provider and reach a joint decision if changes are to be continued."

Bear in mind that when the new orders went into effect a year ago (almost to the day) that they said the children should remain with the current child care provider unless we agreed to change providers. The current provider was his wife. However, in an email from July of '06, he said that his wife had never provided child care and so I'd have to find it somewhere else. I did.

3) The highway patrol lists 4 sex offenders 'near' my new address (his claim). 'Your improper notice gave me no time to make this known to you prior to your relocation. This is a huge concern for the children's safety especially since the nearest offender was convicted of Exploitation of a Minor.'

I did a check on the MSHP website for the ENTIRE TOWN that I live in before I moved here 3 years ago, and again before I moved back in March. There are 9 RSOs in the entire town (only 4000 people)... one of them lives closer to me than 1 mile. The other 9 live at least a mile and up to 10 miles away from me.

4) Safety, regarding Unruly (the 7 year old) who has been reporting that she is visiting stranger's apartments at your new complex while playing with children that she meets while unsupervised at the playground.

Hardly worth addressing - EVERYONE I know is a stranger to him. He's NEVER likely to meet them. Hard to counter that assertion, no? She HAS played at friend's houses - with her 10 year old sister, and after I've met their parents.

5. Decision on using a Pediatrician vs. Current Doctor whom he claims is a geriatric specialist. There IS a geriatric specialist in the same practice, however, the children see a Pediatric nurse practitioner and have for YEARS.

6. Rhinocort prescriptions for children. Who prescribed this for Unruly? Why do you agree with long-term steroid treatment? Why does this medicine not come to my house if I am to give it to them?

I OFFERED TO SEND this medication w/the kids when they come to his house. HE REFUSED IT. I SENT IT, AND HE SENT IT BACK UNUSED!.

7. Counseling.

He threw the idea of counseling out at our trial and again at the hearing for the restraining orders. I'm not rehashing it all here because it's in other threads, but basically he brings it up in court, and then nothing ever happens. He won't agree to see any counselors that I suggest because it has to be a 'faith based' counselor recommended by Promise Keepers.

8. Developmental issues wrt Unruly. He claims she is continuously wetting her pants.

I actually asked her about this today, and she said it's happened once - at school, during recess. She hasn't wet her pants while in my care in the entire 3 years we've been divorced.

He also claims she's having tummy aches 'every time custody changes back to' me. Which is funny because there's documented proof via the GAL that the reverse is true.

He's again claiming she has ADHD and needs medicated.

9. Communication between us.

I'm not ALLOWED TO COMMUNICATE WITH HIM. He will NOT answer his phone when I call. He claims that email is harassing him. He is now claiming that written communication is harassment, and I'm frankly scared to talk to him when he drops off the children.

10. Exracurricular activities.

11. Summer programs/events that the girls might participate in. Ideas and shared cost estimates.

This is fine. I've already signed them up for summer camp at my expense, they declined being involved in softball/t-ball, and we've arranged riding lessons during my days. I'm willing to bet he'll have issues with all of the above.

12. What is your plan to make payment on the $1500 judgment that the court awarded me against you in May of last year?

It was actually ordered in March, at our trial. But whatever. I have no intention of paying him until the ruling on the appeal comes through since if the order is overturned, that will be as well.

Thoughts?

Can I LEGALLY attend this meeting? I'm gonna be some kind of pissed off if I get arrested for trying to have a parenting meeting.

If he's claiming that the letter I linked in this post is harassing, how am I supposed to communicate?

He's also claiming that I'm lying about Wild's allergic reaction to Penicillin that she had WHILE WE WERE STILL MARRIED as she was 8 MONTHS OLD at the time.

Geez, I'm not sure WHAT to say about all of this.

Do you have a restraining order against him as well?

Honestly, cant you bring this email and your answers to what he wants to the judge or SOMETHING????????

Its hard to believe some ppl have nothing better to do in life than harrass others. Your ex sucks.

 

[CJane]

Geez, I'm not sure WHAT to say about all of this.

Join the club.

Do you have a restraining order against him as well?

No. There are restraining orders against me on behalf of him and his wife. I consented to the orders after asking the judge to clarify that it would also keep THEM from harrassing ME.

Honestly, cant you bring this email and your answers to what he wants to the judge or SOMETHING????????

I dunno. That's why I'm here. I'm 1/2 tempted to send the letter he sent me, plus my answers to the court, his attorney and the GAL. I honestly don't know WHAT I'm supposed to do at this point.

Its hard to believe some ppl have nothing better to do in life than harrass others. Your ex sucks.

Yeah, he does. I honestly don't know how we spent 10 years together, bore 2 children, and ended up in such a contentious situation. Seriously.

 

[CJane]

I have another question that I didn't want to get lost in the rest.

He's claiming that I use the children as messengers. I don't think that's what is happening, but here's the scenario.

The last 2 letters I've sent have been regarding medical information that he needed sooner than the couple of days it takes to mail a letter. So, since I can't call him and I don't see him, I've sent letters to him in sealed envelopes in the oldest child's back pack.

Please note that the GAL approved this method of communicating 'vital' information way back when. We also, at one time, kept a spiral notebook in the oldest's back pack and journaled messages to each other in that - he was fine with it until ... well, until he just wasn't...

HOnestly, I don't know what else to do at this point. I NEED to communicate information to him, especially since Wild had a Doc appt yesterday. I planned to send a letter in her back pack tomorrow... now I just don't know if I should. BUT, if I don't, then I'm withholding information.

 

[GrowUp!]

I have another question that I didn't want to get lost in the rest.

He's claiming that I use the children as messengers. I don't think that's what is happening, but here's the scenario.

The last 2 letters I've sent have been regarding medical information that he needed sooner than the couple of days it takes to mail a letter. So, since I can't call him and I don't see him, I've sent letters to him in sealed envelopes in the oldest child's back pack.

Please note that the GAL approved this method of communicating 'vital' information way back when. We also, at one time, kept a spiral notebook in the oldest's back pack and journaled messages to each other in that - he was fine with it until ... well, until he just wasn't...

HOnestly, I don't know what else to do at this point. I NEED to communicate information to him, especially since Wild had a Doc appt yesterday. I planned to send a letter in her back pack tomorrow... now I just don't know if I should. BUT, if I don't, then I'm withholding information.

Send the letter as you have been doing. Your ex is pulling stuff out of his ass and grasping for what he can. The children are not being messagers in this case, especially since they do not know what the "message" is and it's sealed in an envelope. I think it's better than a notebook because the notebook isn't sealed. Let him make it an issue in court...then you can bring up -- and show the court -- the notebook you were using. Until he got on the rag and didn't like it. lol

 

[LdiJ]

What about having a parenting meeting in the GAL's office? Otherwise I would not agree. You have a restraining order.

 

[GrowUp!]

What about having a parenting meeting in the GAL's office? Otherwise I would not agree. You have a restraining order.

I do not see how placing a letter that is sealed in an envelope and is sent with the children -- and deals with an important medical situation with the children -- would be violating a restraining order.

 

[MrsK]

What about having a parenting meeting in the GAL's office? Otherwise I would not agree. You have a restraining order.

I like this idea.

And you can bring the letter he sent with your concerns and let the GAL know what is going on. That probably will make the GAL see what is going on, along with making dad feel like a jackass (hopefully) and maybe he'll control himself if he knows that someone who "matters" (the GAL) could let the judge know what is going on. You should bring up your concerns in front of dad with the GAL, its gonna be harder for him to give YOU a hard time with him/her there.

 

[workinmom]

CJane -

Regarding tonsilectomy. I had mine removed at age 20 with no adverse affects.

My mother didn't believe in getting them taken out so I suffered constant ear/nose/throat issues until I had my first job with insurance, went to an ENT and she said no problem, we take them out this all stops.

I haven't had any issues with ear/nose/throat since then (almost 20 years).

This was not a major surgery, it was less than 30 minutes in the operating room and done as a day surgery with 2 days off work for recovery (only took those days off because I couldn't talk and I was an administrative asst and had to be on the phone all the time).

My daughter had the same ear/nose/throat problems and I had her tonsils/adnoids removed at age 7. She was back up and running at full strength in 4 or 5 days, and like me has quit having all the problems.

I'm not saying surgery is your answer, but give it a good look if the doctor says it will help.

FYI - my ex is the same way with meds. It's like hitting my head against a brick wall.

Best of Luck -
Workinmom

 

[CJane]

I do not see how placing a letter that is sealed in an envelope and is sent with the children -- and deals with an important medical situation with the children -- would be violating a restraining order.

You misunderstand. Ldi was responding to my ex's demand that we meet 'in person' to have a parenting meeting.

Update:

I spoke with the school principal today re: Unruly's supposed behavioral issues, including his allegations that she's wetting her pants. She said (and verified w/the school nurse, counselor, secretary and psychologist) that there's NEVER been an issue with that. She said that Unruly is a 'delight to have in the building' and is 'such a positive and upbeat kid, she makes everyone smile'.

So, I called the GAL. I faxed her copies of all the correspondence, and we talked for quite awhile. She's PISSED. So, on her recommendation, I've scheduled an intake interview with the behavioral unit at the local children's hospital. She said "If it's really not happening in your house, and it's really not happening at school, then it's either not happening at all, and he's making false allegations again, or it's only happening at his house and changes need to be made in that regard."

She requested that I copy her on ALL future information.

She wouldn't advise me on what to do for the parenting meeting, so I called the sheriff and asked what their reaction would be if I met with the ex to discuss the children (as allowed in the RO) and then he got a wild hair and a week later called the sheriff and said he'd bumped into me in McD's and I'd harassed him. The deputy said "We'll arrest you and you'll have the opportunity to explain to the judge what 'really' happened." So... since I'd like to continue my 33 year stretch of not being in jail, I've responded to him, stating that I will speak to him on the phone for the meeting. I'm 99% sure he won't call, but he won't be able to say it's ME that's not facilitating communication either.

I'm fairly certain he won't attempt to 'attend' the intake interview either - it's a telephone interview that would have to be on conference call. He REALLY doesn't want witnesses to his behavior.

 

[GrowUp!]

You misunderstand. Ldi was responding to my ex's demand that we meet 'in person' to have a parenting meeting.

Aaah. Gotcha. Yeah...nice try on him trying to set you up.

 

[Silverplum]

I spoke with the school principal today re: Unruly's supposed behavioral issues, including his allegations that she's wetting her pants. She said (and verified w/the school nurse, counselor, secretary and psychologist) that there's NEVER been an issue with that. She said that Unruly is a 'delight to have in the building' and is 'such a positive and upbeat kid, she makes everyone smile'.

Smart move, CJane, to speak w/everyone at school. And I'm starting, just starting, mind you, to think that perhaps "Unruly" ain't so unruly.

So, I called the GAL. I faxed her copies of all the correspondence, and we talked for quite awhile. She's PISSED. So, on her recommendation, I've scheduled an intake interview with the behavioral unit at the local children's hospital. She said "If it's really not happening in your house, and it's really not happening at school, then it's either not happening at all, and he's making false allegations again, or it's only happening at his house and changes need to be made in that regard."

She requested that I copy her on ALL future information.

Dang smart move! Most excellent.

She wouldn't advise me on what to do for the parenting meeting, so I called the sheriff and asked what their reaction would be if I met with the ex to discuss the children (as allowed in the RO) and then he got a wild hair and a week later called the sheriff and said he'd bumped into me in McD's and I'd harassed him. The deputy said "We'll arrest you and you'll have the opportunity to explain to the judge what 'really' happened." So... since I'd like to continue my 33 year stretch of not being in jail, I've responded to him, stating that I will speak to him on the phone for the meeting. I'm 99% sure he won't call, but he won't be able to say it's ME that's not facilitating communication either.

I'm fairly certain he won't attempt to 'attend' the intake interview either - it's a telephone interview that would have to be on conference call. He REALLY doesn't want witnesses to his behavior.

Again with the smartness. You really handled this situation perfectly, IMHO.

 

[CJane]

Smart move, CJane, to speak w/everyone at school. And I'm starting, just starting, mind you, to think that perhaps "Unruly" ain't so unruly.

I'm damned lucky. All three kids are fabulous kids. History lesson: I started getting online around the same time that Cowboy Take Me Away came out... and there's a line in the song "I want to grow something wild and unruly"... so the kids are Wild and Unruly. I. Am. A. Dork.

And now, I have a 3rd kid who doesn't have a nickname.

Dang smart move! Most excellent.


Again with the smartness. You really handled this situation perfectly, IMHO.

I'm a learnin, I am.

 

[Silverplum]

I'm damned lucky. All three kids are fabulous kids. History lesson: I started getting online around the same time that Cowboy Take Me Away came out... and there's a line in the song "I want to grow something wild and unruly"... so the kids are Wild and Unruly. I. Am. A. Dork.

And now, I have a 3rd kid who doesn't have a nickname.

Naw, not dorky -- I like the nicks. Call the baby "Bucky." Or "Cowboy!" Yes, I vote for "Cowboy!"