hypothetical change in custody

[gr8rn]

I would be VERY hesitant to send the child to the father given the descrption you gave. ODD is VERY hard to deal with when you have a level head. I can absolutely guarantee that your ex does NOT have the ability to handle this. It takes a lot of patience, calm demeanor, tact, sensetivity and an enourmous amount of work and support to deal with a child with ODD. Does your ex sound like he could deal in the above manner with your child? Your child needs a level head, not a hot head. I am going to give you a firm absolutely not vote for your plan.

 

[challenges]

If you son's doctor is talking about sending him to a RTC, his issues are likely toward the extreme end.

Some things to consider...

1. Is your daughter physical and emotionally safe if he continues to live with you?

2. Are you safe?

3. Can dad (or step-mom, who is a legal stranger and under no obligation to help dad with your son) get him to regular therapy, doctors appts, deal with the schools, etc?

4. Is time with dad preferable to an RTC? Does dad agree with the possible need for an RTC? Can you afford an RTC (about $300/day)?

(A side note: ODD is a cop-out of a diagnosis. It simply lists the behaviors he is doing and gives no direction for treatment. Keep pushing the doctors -- a neuropsych evaluation is your best bet at getting a true diagnosis -- the why he is acting this way.)

Thank you PQN and all the other posters who have offered advice. I will be buying that book "the explosive child."

And regarding the questions posed by PQN - I didn't know RTCs cost money - for some reason I thought they were covered by insurance. So that's out. His psychiatrist today recommended pushing the school district to send him to a therapeutic HS.

Yes, I am scared of him sometimes. I don't want to anger him. He has broken things in the house and threatened to kill himself (when an anti-depressant dosage was raised)

And my daughter needs time away from him. I don't believe she is in physical danger at this time (knowing that things can change) because I keep a close eye on them both. Emotionally safe is more of an issue. I keep them apart as much as possible and she's a strong girl emotionally.

One of you stated a 4,000 student HS would be a disaster. His psychologist agreed.

It sounds like a lot of you have inside/personal experience with situations like this. It helps to not feel alone! Excuse the mushy stuff, just had to get that out!

 

[CJane]

One of you stated a 4,000 student HS would be a disaster. His psychologist agreed.

I missed this one.

I cannot IMAGINE sending a kiddo with the issues yours is exhibiting to such a large school at all, nevermind if it would also be a big change for him.

My kids' ENTIRE district, pre-K through grade 12 has less than 800 students. The average graduating class is 50 +/-. My ex wanted to move them to a district fairly close by geographically, but where the average graduating class is more than 600 kids. They would have been swallowed up in the crowd.

As it is, they can play sports they wouldn't otherwise get to play, be in marching band at the 7th grade level rather than waiting for high school, attend school with kids they've known since they were in diapers, and have teachers who know them and their families personally, as well as have class sizes around 18 kids. LOTS of individual attention.

I wouldn't trade THAT for all the therapy and discipline in the world.