I Am Soooo Frustrated!!!!!!

[coolmomof4]

What is the name of your state? ga

I am getting so sick of all of this crap!!!Anything that has to do with bio-bitch and my step-son.

My stepson is 8. And he refuses to SPEAK UP FOR HIMSELF!!! He's very verbal except when it comes to his mother and his allergies! He has allergic eczema which breaks out really bad when he is around animals (cats & dogs) of course bio-b**** has tons of those and doesn't do anything to keep them away from him. Also, it flares up really bad when he is in a pool or tub for long periods. So what is the one thing she does with him when she is in town? Yep. She lets him soak in the pool the entire weekend, and take LONG baths! Well, that's what she did in mid-august when she was in town.

I knew step-son started breaking out when he arrived home that Sunday and I refilled his perscription ($20.00) and used it on the rash. It looked like it was close to being gone. Well, you would think an 8 year old would be really uncomfortable having to sleep with greasy cream junk all over him, or with a really gross oozing rash all over his body, but apparently at some point recently, the rash flared up again (he was at a neighbor's on Monday and went in the house and played with out my permission (they have 2 dogs). Well he didn't bother to tell me about the rash. Today I saw that he was scratching so I bought another $20 tube of medicine and went to put it on him tonight and...

It is by far the grosest nastiest rash he has ever had. It's all over his body. Everywhere. And here I am having to put this cream in places I don't want to be touching because he won't speak up before it gets bad! I yelled at him that he can't let it go like this. I mean I had to put it in his crack for God sake! What am I supposed to do? Strip him naked every night before bed and check him over?!?!

The greatest thing of all is the timing of it. He goes to his mother's in 2 days. Great. There's no way it will be gone by then. And I can asure you what will happen. She'll tell him that she's been right all along. Her dogs don't cause the rash. Something at our house does, so she'll let the damn dogs run all over him the entire weekend and he'll come home even worse and HE WON'T SPEAK UP TO HER!

Another thing is the doctor has told my step-son that his skin is becoming "immune" to the medications and if they stop working, he'll need shots to make the rashes go away! But he won't say anything to his mother! What am I supposed to do?

Whenever I bring it up her response is "This is just the same old thing!" and gets mean and defensive. Damn right it's the same old thing. It has been for the past 8 years, since he was born! She refuses to follow any of his doctors' advice and won't pay for the doctor visits or medicines. I hate her so much! And she is always reminding me that I'm not his mother. Well, b****, you want to be mommy of the year, then start acting like you care about him!

 

[imaqt]

You keep saying, "He won't say anything to his mother" the CHILD is 8!!! It isn't his responsibility to make his mother take care of him medically. Where is dad when you are getting angry with step son and putting meds in uncomfortable places? Why can't this be mom and dad's responsibility and if mom refuses medical treatment and it has been documented that is a form of child abuse. You need to stop telling mom what to do, where is your hubby? Let him deal with it all, it is HIS responsibility!

 

[coolmomof4]

I wish, but in the order, I am the one who has to talk to her. There's a lot of reasons for that and we do have everything documented. And I know where you are coming from with his age. It's just frustrating. And I'm at home with the kids most of the time.

 

[imxoz]

Shame on you! I agree he is a child! I am a psychologist, and I am sure you care about the boy, but I can't even begin to tell you the damage emotionally you are doing to this little boy. It is not his fault the adult (bio-mom) can't or won't do whats right. I am not sure what can be done legally to stop this but he in no way should be exspected to "speak up." No matter what she does or doesn't do, she is his mom and he will always love her and defend her. Becare how you treat this.

 

[njmom]

I know you are just venting........

However, I you had mentioned that "she better start acting like she cares" how about your husband, the daddy, I think "he better start acting like he cares too" and start helping you with HIS responsibility. Are you documenting that your husband doesn't put the cream on too? The way you are acting, you would think you are the bio-mom, if I were you I would take on the same attitude as the bio-mom. Maybe you are getting way too much into the bio-mom and bio-dads responsibilities. Did you ever think that maybe the shots once a week would be better off, since it would eliminate the mother or the father having to do their job by putting on the cream? I know a girl that has to go every Tuesday to the doctor to get her shots for the same diagnosis, and after a few visits, the child adapts. Maybe you can think about going about it this way. I do agree with imxoz, this situation will put enough stress on an 11 year old, let alone an 8 year old. I also agree with the defending the mommy, think about it, I am not sure if you have children of your own, or if they have a step mommy, but would you want your children to step up and defend you if the step mommy was saying things about you?
Good Luck with your situation, if I were you, I would take a few steps back and let the parents handle this one on their own.

 

[coolmomof4]

Thanks, njmom - I was just venting last night. I also had to add here about the dad. He usually does put the cream on at night. He had a meeting, so I out the kids to bed. He needs to have it put on right before bedtime. I also usually am the one who does it in the morning too, because dad leaves for work at 6:45. Kids get up at 7am for school. Dad is very involved. And as you can see in here, they are not really allowed to communucate, although he has written her letters, taken him to doctor's appointments and documented it all.

For the other two posts: Okay, I wasn't even going to respond to the two people that took the time to respond to the post but I'm going to anyway. Whether or not you care is up to you. For one thing, the two of you have never responded to anything I've ever posted which means you probably didn't bother to take the time to read anything previous to understand the situation. Oh and by the way, psychologist or not, ha, there's plently of those who don't have a clue as well.

My husband has had custody of child from day 1. I am not some evil step mother who is in the picture only once every other weekend. His mother had nothing to do with him from day 1. She is severely mentally ill with BPD (you psych's should be able to figure that out). She was put on med's and it helped the BPD tremendously but didn't help her laziness. Dad had to hire a full time nanny b/c mom wouldn't get her butt out of bed all day. He gave her a year to straighten up and she wouldn't. She moved back in with her parents in 95. Child was 1. Divorced in 96. Child's doctor and his thrapist both wrote letters to the court and turned over their documentation that stated his mother should not be a part of his life at all. Not because of the mental illness, but because she has "antiparthy" toward the child. She just has no feelings for him at all. I met him in late 96. I have been a huge part of child's life since then. Watched him in my home while dad worked, I worked out of my apartment. Since he could talk, my step-son has called me mommy. He calls his mother by her first name. I really do love him like he's mine. So what? His mother doesn't want him. Someone needs to. She has extremely limited visitation, one weekend a month plus a week in summer and winter, still lives with her parents, won't work, won't pay support. Didn't even visit with child until she found out we were getting married. Then all of a sudden "I'm the mom, you're not". We are an extremely close, tight family. And I worry about him.

Her visitation was changed from supervised to unsupervised when we redid the order because we were moving out of state, because a quack psych who evaluated her, actually told us that since she lives with her parents, she's supervised most of the time anyway, so we shouldn't be worried about the child. Ha. That's why his head has been cut open twice while with her. He's gotten lost, and has witnessed her dad punch her with "his fist". But now she's talking about moving out, away from her parents. Honestly, the parents are worse than she is. They think we're evil, have said so in front of the child. Have cursed at us at our home, threatened to kill us, called us liars, all in front of him. And her parents are the ones who own the dogs. They don't care about the allergy either.

So, yes, I went overboard when I yelled at him. And I shouldn't have said "yelled" because I didn't do that. I was frustrated as I typed last night. Now, talked to him in a calm, slightly stern voice because I was a little ticked? Probably. And I apologized right away. I know it is not his fault. None of it is. And I believe he knows where I am coming from. He knows I love him. And I know he loves me. As far as he needing to speak up? You're right he shouldn't have do. He doesn't have to. But he wants to and many times he does. I hear him on the phone telling her to please not have the dogs and cats around when he gets there. And no, we're not telling him to say it. But he feels like he is not supposed to say anything. I was trying to help him understand it's okay if he wants to. He should be allowed to speak up if he wants to.

By the way, as far as me needing to talk to her, as I said, it's in the order. She is way too confrontational with my husband to have any sort of decent adult conversation about the child. Without asking us, my attorney wrote it into the order. Bio-mom signed it, without arguing. It's not been 3 years like that and overall, it is better that way. And maybe once a year, I have not been home when she has called, and my husband mistakenly answered the phone and it has always ended up in a giant argument. So things haven't changed.

That's only a piece of our lives. Maybe you don't care. I was actually hoping to get some sort of direction and support from people on here who actually know what is going on in our lives. I really hope you're a phych who take his job seriously. Because if you are in NC and your name starts with an "a" and you did an eval for us, you should lose your license.

 

[njmom]

well, well, well.............

Sounds to me like you don't want to hear the truth, so hopefully and just hopefully, you will get whomever you wanted to respond to your post. Sounds a bit to me that you are on the defensive side! Maybe whomever it was that you wanted to respond with sugar coat it for ya, since obviously you didn't like what the other posts had to say.........so I shall be on my way, and maybe just act like I never posted! You have a lovely day, and GOD BLESS!

 

[KCMR]

EDIT.

 

[coolmomof4]

nj mom - sorry, I was actually trying to say there that I was agreeing with you and I appreciated what you said! Maybe you could give me some creative adivice on how mom and dad should work it out? Believe me, just talking is out of the question. It won't work. I would love to be a lot less involved but I don't know how to do that.

As for the once a week shots, that may be a good idea if it isn't too harsh. Does it have to be once a week, or can it just be when needed? Because he has weeks when he doesn't break out.

And I do have kids (3). 1 from a previous marriage but I don't deal with the bio-dad there.

We are both very careful to not say negative stuff about bio-mom to my step-son. He knows about the causes of the allergies and what he should try to stay away from. We got rid of our dog for the same reason.

I'm kinda confused with the part about the child defending the mommy. Did you mean because I say things about her, and he should defend the bio-mom? I swear, we don't talk about her in front of him or within earshot. Usually only if we're out or he's not home. But if he asks us something, we tell the truth in a way that doesn't totally bash her. Like when he asks his dad "Why do I live with you and not her" He'll tell her his mother was sick and couldn't take care of him. Then he'll say Oh, that's not what she said. She said you stole me from her, and moved away and left her..." We respond by saying "That's not true". That's it.

 

[coolmomof4]

Aricci

I did. Thanks, unless, did I miss something else? I know you meant me. I looked back and thought "Oh, my!" and tried to fix everything.

 

[imaqt]

excuse me?

I DID go through and read some of your posts before I responded. I do with most people because I don't want them to think I don't understand where they are coming from. However, I also studied the same field that imxoz is in, and sometimes that gets me to read between the lines. If you exaggerate in your emotions then my reading tends to be a little off.

Well atleast we all agree that it is not the boys responsibility! Good luck!

 

[coolmomof4]

I don't know exactly what was meant by that, but one thing I do know is I remember now why I stayed off this forum for three months. I had forgotten that the people on here are perfect. It's always the other person's fault. They all live perfect lives and never say a cross word to their children - or step children. They never raise their voices and therefore, never regret or have to apologize to their children for things they may have said that weren't right. I'm sorry, I am a normal person. I make mistakes and I apologize for them and do what I can to make them right. I guess the forum for those people can be found somewhere else.

 

[karma1]

Imaqt......

just out of curiousity and not bashing here-
what field of psychology are you studying?
do you have a degree or are working towards one?
I know imxoz works in a school and deals with children everyday so I am wondering what branch you are studying?

 

[njmom]

ok, read ya wrong!!

Pleazzzzzzzz, I am way far from being perfect...LMAO!

Anyway, I really don't know what do say about the communication between the two parents, I suppose they just don't care enough about the child. If it has been going on for 8 years, I guess, the only thing I can say is count your blessings that there is only 12 more left....lol....I know you still will be in contact with your step son and I don't mean to offend, but at least you wont have to deal with her as much once he becomes of age. It's a real sad situation you got there. I know my 3 year old son has such a great disposition because his father and I get along very well, and we have great respect for one another. I respect him because he is a good daddy and I couldn't ask for a better daddy! He respects me because I am a very good mommy and I do a great job being a single mother with limited income and a full time student. If we have any problems, we communicate before things get out of hand, and we praise each other in front of our son and we criticize each other in private. I know it is very hard when you are dealing with a difficult person, but my ex is not the easiest person to get along with either. Sometimes you just gotta bite your tongue and kill em with kindness.

In reference to the shot, I am really not so sure. I just know I see this girl about 8 years old in the doctors office quite often and she always seems well. Finally, always wondering what she was there for, we got into a conversation and she said she has allergies so bad to most anything that she must have a shot every Tuesday. This girl still had the blotches all over her body and she gets the shots, so maybe she has it a whole lot worse than your step son. I would consult with the physician and just discuss it. It can't hurt to ask. This may be something that will eliminate the situation at hand. Again, I hope things work out for you, and I do apologize for mis-reading your post. Good Luck!

 

[imaqt]

I don't know exactly what was meant by that, but one thing I do know is I remember now why I stayed off this forum for three months. I had forgotten that the people on here are perfect. It's always the other person's fault. They all live perfect lives and never say a cross word to their children - or step children. They never raise their voices and therefore, never regret or have to apologize to their children for things they may have said that weren't right. I'm sorry, I am a normal person. I make mistakes and I apologize for them and do what I can to make them right. I guess the forum for those people can be found somewhere else.

I am not perfect, I raise my voice plenty, I regret alot of things and am constantly apologizing. I am sorry I don't feel for you. Your first sentence was "I am getting so sick of all of this crap!!!Anything that has to do with bio-bitch and my step-son" had you left out the word step-son I would have been more compassionate.