I Don't Know.

[I Have Issues]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?FL

I don't know if I am in the right forum or not. Please let me know if I am not ..and I will try and switch.

I don't know if this is an unusual predicament...but I would like to know the legalities of my step-daughter calling me "Mom"

I met my husband and step-daughter about two years ago. (When my step-daughter was 2 yrs old).

Bio-Mom is a deadbeat. I don't say that to be mean...but it is the truth. Husband has full custody and Bio-Mom(BM) has supervised visitation due to her habitual drug and alcohol addictions. He also has an order for child support..but it has never happenend seeing as how BM is (and has been) living on the streets as a drug seeking prostitute.

In the two years that I have been in this beautiful childs life the BM has NEVER exercised her visitation or called my step-daughter (my daughter).

My step-daughter frequently calls me "Mom". This brings mixed emotions. I am overwhelmed that my step-dauhter feels this way and respects me as this. However I feel obligated (The majority of the time) to tell her the story of her BM.

Before you freak out....Here is the "moral" of the story ( for it is to long to post):

I basically remind her that she has another Mom....Who loves her desperately, but because of certain things that are beyond her(step-daughters) control they just can't be together at this time. So I am here to help keep her safe and well. Which is what her BM would want.

I really don't believe that any 4 yr old should hear this truth. My Da..Step-daughter is not old enough nor mature enough to understand.

My husband has no issue with his daughter calling me "Mom"...He loves it.

I would like to know the legalities involved in my Step-daughter calling me "Mom". If any.

And on any moral point...Am I doing right by insisting that she knows that she has another "Mommy" out there? And by lying and portraying that this other "Mommy" loves and cares for her?

Like I said, My husband doesn't have any problem with this. I do however. Maybe it is because I grew up without one parent.

Thanks for any advice.

 

[stealth2]

If you're not comfortable with it (and let's face it - there's a reason why you're not) - then find another name for her to call you. Mama, Ima, Mummsie. Whatever. And tell your husband that he chose BM as this child's mother, so he needs to accept that reality.

 

[Some Random Guy]

As others on this board point out, adoptive parents are real parents too. You should accept that she calls you Mom because you are her mother in her eyes.

When she is older, she will come to her own decision if she has two moms or a real mom and a bio-mom.

 

[I Have Issues]

If you're not comfortable with it (and let's face it - there's a reason why you're not) - then find another name for her to call you. Mama, Ima, Mummsie. Whatever. And tell your husband that he chose BM as this child's mother, so he needs to accept that reality.

I am comfortable with it....and am very proud that my step-daughter feels that way about me.

But even though the BM is a deadbeat....I just dont want to have 'my' four year old thinking that BM don't love her....It breaks my heart.

She....My "daughter"...still remembers her BM.

 

[Some Random Guy]

You aren't telling her that bio-mom doesn't love her because she calls you mommy. Bio-mom tells the child she doen't love her by never calling and not showing up.

You can help your child through this by assuring her that she did nothing wrong and that her bio-mom is having 'troubles' now. But that's no reason to try to lessen the bond between you and yor daughter by reminding her that you are not blood related.

 

[ranganadan]

older

undefined

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?FL

I don't know if I am in the right forum or not. Please let me know if I am not ..and I will try and switch.

I don't know if this is an unusual predicament...but I would like to know the legalities of my step-daughter calling me "Mom"

I met my husband and step-daughter about two years ago. (When my step-daughter was 2 yrs old).

Bio-Mom is a deadbeat. I don't say that to be mean...but it is the truth. Husband has full custody and Bio-Mom(BM) has supervised visitation due to her habitual drug and alcohol addictions. He also has an order for child support..but it has never happenend seeing as how BM is (and has been) living on the streets as a drug seeking prostitute.

In the two years that I have been in this beautiful childs life the BM has NEVER exercised her visitation or called my step-daughter (my daughter).

My step-daughter frequently calls me "Mom". This brings mixed emotions. I am overwhelmed that my step-dauhter feels this way and respects me as this. However I feel obligated (The majority of the time) to tell her the story of her BM.

Before you freak out....Here is the "moral" of the story ( for it is to long to post):

I basically remind her that she has another Mom....Who loves her desperately, but because of certain things that are beyond her(step-daughters) control they just can't be together at this time. So I am here to help keep her safe and well. Which is what her BM would want.

I really don't believe that any 4 yr old should hear this truth. My Da..Step-daughter is not old enough nor mature enough to understand.

My husband has no issue with his daughter calling me "Mom"...He loves it.

I would like to know the legalities involved in my Step-daughter calling me "Mom". If any.

And on any moral point...Am I doing right by insisting that she knows that she has another "Mommy" out there? And by lying and portraying that this other "Mommy" loves and cares for her?

Like I said, My husband doesn't have any problem with this. I do however. Maybe it is because I grew up without one parent.

Thanks for any advice.

Ok I feel that you should let her call you whatever she feels comfortable with. You are the one who keeps her safe and looks after her well being and takes care of her. And as she gets older she will realize that you are that person and that you never forced her to call you mom, or told her not to. She will appreciate the fact that you let her call you whatever was good for her. If you tell her about this BM and how much she cares for her when she gets older and realizes that the BM really does not care because if she did she would be there then she will be asking you how come you told me all these nice things and how much she cares if you knew all along she didn't

 

[casa]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?FL

I don't know if I am in the right forum or not. Please let me know if I am not ..and I will try and switch.

I don't know if this is an unusual predicament...but I would like to know the legalities of my step-daughter calling me "Mom"

I met my husband and step-daughter about two years ago. (When my step-daughter was 2 yrs old).

Bio-Mom is a deadbeat. I don't say that to be mean...but it is the truth. Husband has full custody and Bio-Mom(BM) has supervised visitation due to her habitual drug and alcohol addictions. He also has an order for child support..but it has never happenend seeing as how BM is (and has been) living on the streets as a drug seeking prostitute.

In the two years that I have been in this beautiful childs life the BM has NEVER exercised her visitation or called my step-daughter (my daughter).

My step-daughter frequently calls me "Mom". This brings mixed emotions. I am overwhelmed that my step-dauhter feels this way and respects me as this. However I feel obligated (The majority of the time) to tell her the story of her BM.

Before you freak out....Here is the "moral" of the story ( for it is to long to post):

I basically remind her that she has another Mom....Who loves her desperately, but because of certain things that are beyond her(step-daughters) control they just can't be together at this time. So I am here to help keep her safe and well. Which is what her BM would want.

I really don't believe that any 4 yr old should hear this truth. My Da..Step-daughter is not old enough nor mature enough to understand.

My husband has no issue with his daughter calling me "Mom"...He loves it.

I would like to know the legalities involved in my Step-daughter calling me "Mom". If any.

And on any moral point...Am I doing right by insisting that she knows that she has another "Mommy" out there? And by lying and portraying that this other "Mommy" loves and cares for her?

Like I said, My husband doesn't have any problem with this. I do however. Maybe it is because I grew up without one parent.

Thanks for any advice.

There are great books out for kids that deal with stepmoms and parents who are MIA etc. Get one and read it together to facilitate any Q & As she might have.

I personally think what you are doing is the Right thing (by reminding her she has a bio. Mother & for explaining her absence in such a way as it is less detrimental for the child based on her age). Making children feel bad about their MIA parents only hurts them...This is a 'white lie' among the likes of Santa, Easter Bunny etc. <IMO>

If you fear Mom may return and disrupt the child's life and have gone this long without support or contact...You and Dad may want to consider checking into Terminating Parental Rights on the Mom and you legally adopting the child.

 

[I Have Issues]

undefined


Ok I feel that you should let her call you whatever she feels comfortable with. You are the one who keeps her safe and looks after her well being and takes care of her. And as she gets older she will realize that you are that person and that you never forced her to call you mom, or told her not to. She will appreciate the fact that you let her call you whatever was good for her. If you tell her about this BM and how much she cares for her when she gets older and realizes that the BM really does not care because if she did she would be there then she will be asking you how come you told me all these nice things and how much she cares if you knew all along she didn't

Yes...I let her call me "Mom" cause she feels comfortable with it. AS do I.

But Because she still remembers BM. And for that reason I feel obligated in telling her about her BM.

 

[I Have Issues]

There are great books out for kids that deal with stepmoms and parents who are MIA etc. Get one and read it together to facilitate any Q & As she might have.

I personally think what you are doing is the Right thing (by reminding her she has a bio. Mother & for explaining her absence in such a way as it is less detrimental for the child based on her age). Making children feel bad about their MIA parents only hurts them...This is a 'white lie' among the likes of Santa, Easter Bunny etc. <IMO>

If you fear Mom may return and disrupt the child's life and have gone this long without support or contact...You and Dad may want to consider checking into Terminating Parental Rights on the Mom and you legally adopting the child.

Thank you for your thought Casa.

I guess....That I needed a little reassurance that the way I am handeling this is the 'proper' way. Even though it IS a 'white-lie'. When my step daughter gets older we plan on discussing the truth with her.

Even IF we decide to file or win a TPR hearing....If BM ever cleans up her act and wants to be part of her daughters life, I will do everything to facilitate the process. With there being some supervision at first...Of course.

 

[I Have Issues]

You aren't telling her that bio-mom doesn't love her because she calls you mommy. Bio-mom tells the child she doesn't love her by never calling and not showing up.

***That is an aspect of this that I DO NOT want her to realize until she is mature enough to handle it.

You can help your child through this by assuring her that she did nothing wrong and that her bio-mom is having 'troubles' now. But that's no reason to try to lessen the bond between you and yor daughter by reminding her that you are not blood related.

***Nope. I will not discuss BM's 'problems' with a 4 yr old. However, I do reassure her that BM's absence is of no fault of hers.

 

[I Have Issues]

As others on this board point out, adoptive parents are real parents too. You should accept that she calls you Mom because you are her mother in her eyes.

When she is older, she will come to her own decision if she has two moms or a real mom and a bio-mom.

I guess I skipped over your post....I apologize.

Thank you for your thoughts. Personally I hope it is the former. Unfortunately I believe it will end up as the latter.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

[BL]

Wheel of fortune or is it the price is right ?

Come on down !!! What # will you pick .

( your first name ) Come on down !!!!!!! you're the next contestant on what shall we call you ?


stealth2
Senior Member Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 21,445

If you're not comfortable with it (and let's face it - there's a reason why you're not) - then find another name for her to call you. Mama, Ima, Mummsie. Whatever. And tell your husband that he chose BM as this child's mother, so he needs to accept that reality.

 

[StickyFingers]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?FL

I don't know if I am in the right forum or not. Please let me know if I am not ..and I will try and switch.

I don't know if this is an unusual predicament...but I would like to know the legalities of my step-daughter calling me "Mom"

I met my husband and step-daughter about two years ago. (When my step-daughter was 2 yrs old).

Bio-Mom is a deadbeat. I don't say that to be mean...but it is the truth. Husband has full custody and Bio-Mom(BM) has supervised visitation due to her habitual drug and alcohol addictions. He also has an order for child support..but it has never happened seeing as how BM is (and has been) living on the streets as a drug seeking prostitute.

In the two years that I have been in this beautiful child's life the BM has NEVER exercised her visitation or called my step-daughter (my daughter).

My step-daughter frequently calls me "Mom". This brings mixed emotions. I am overwhelmed that my step-daughter feels this way and respects me as this. However I feel obligated (The majority of the time) to tell her the story of her BM.

Before you freak out....Here is the "moral" of the story ( for it is to long to post):

I basically remind her that she has another Mom....Who loves her desperately, but because of certain things that are beyond her(step-daughters) control they just can't be together at this time. So I am here to help keep her safe and well. Which is what her BM would want.

I really don't believe that any 4 yr old should hear this truth. My Da..Step-daughter is not old enough nor mature enough to understand.

My husband has no issue with his daughter calling me "Mom"...He loves it.

I would like to know the legalities involved in my Step-daughter calling me "Mom". If any.

And on any moral point...Am I doing right by insisting that she knows that she has another "Mommy" out there? And by lying and portraying that this other "Mommy" loves and cares for her?

Like I said, My husband doesn't have any problem with this. I do however. Maybe it is because I grew up without one parent.

Thanks for any advice.

Personally I believe that you are doing right by your daughter...and you should not be afraid to call her that.

I believe that you are every female NCP/CP's dream of a 'step mother'.

By my observations of your posts, you do not want to exclude or invalidate the BM as far as the child goes. Even if she does deserve it.

Kudos to you...You are one of the RARE step parents (no offense to anyone on this board) that are not biased in any direction and only sees what is in the child's best interest.

 

[StickyFingers]

You aren't telling her that bio-mom doesn't love her because she calls you mommy. Bio-mom tells the child she doen't love her by never calling and not showing up.

You can help your child through this by assuring her that she did nothing wrong and that her bio-mom is having 'troubles' now. But that's no reason to try to lessen the bond between you and yor daughter by reminding her that you are not blood related.

Are you frickin damaged?....I hope that you are not implying that the OP explain to a FOUR YEAR OLD Bio Mom's 'troubles'.

Because to .."assuring her that she did nothing wrong and that her Bio Mom is having 'troubles' now." OP would have to explain to the child WHY Bio Mom is not there.

As far as I understand the post by the OP...She does a fine job in "dancing" around the 'troubles' and just reassures the child that it is not her fault that Bio Mom is not there and that Bio Mom would want a suitable person (OP) to take care of the child's needs in her absence. Which I think is the right thing to do for a child this age. IMHO

 

[I Have Issues]

Personally I believe that you are doing right by your daughter...and you should not be afraid to call her that.

I believe that you are every female NCP/CP's dream of a 'step mother'.

By my observations of your posts, you do not want to exclude or invalidate the BM as far as the child goes. Even if she does deserve it.

Kudos to you...You are one of the RARE step parents (no offense to anyone on this board) that are not biased in any direction and only sees what is in the child's best interest.

Thank you Sticky. I appreciate your comments.