I just want to know what to expect

[wileybunch]

I just feel like awarding him extra time when he doesn't use all the time he has already is pointless, and it is just giving him more of an opportunity to make things convenient for him (he has the extra time, he can take it if he wants, but if he has something better to do, everyone else must rearrange their lives).

Well, if it's his time when he exercises it, there shouldn't be any life rearranging going on.

I also feel like he is doing this so he can lower the child support he has to pay. So, legally he will have our son more, but really he won't get him anymore than he already does.

Could very well be. Could this be why your attorney is advising you not to give in on this point?

But trying to be the bigger person doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere.

You can't make the mistake of thinking that taking the high road yourself will cause the other parent to, as well. It doesn't necessarily work like that. It doesn't change our responsibility (to ourselves and kids) to take the high road, anyway.

At what point do you not listen to your lawyer and do what you think is right? Do I listen to him and fight or do I make yet another attempt to compromise with my ex at the pre-trial so that we can put an end to all of this before the courts start involving our son. I don't want him to know his parents can't stand eachother and are fighting over him!

Well, what is the definition of "what is right"? Neither you or your attorney truly know the "right" answer. Best either of you can do is make a best guess. If you have some strong thoughts in your mind, discuss them with your attorney and feel out the best informed way to go.

How old is your son since you mentioned fearing the courts would involve him? BTW, if they do, your son doesn't have to see that as a terrible thing. In the courts here, the family mediation center usually handles the "talking to the children" thing (unless people want to go the private interviewer route at their expense and convince judge of that) and I don't think there's any reason for kids to come out thinking something terrible is going on if the parents handle it well.

 

[tiredofdrama]

I'm not talking about when he does exercise his time, I'm talking about when he has the time and does not take it. I can never really make any concrete plans during the times he's supposed to have our son because I never really know what is going to happen. Case in point: a few weeks ago he asked to keep our son a few additional days because he had family visiting. I said fine (which is usually the case), confirmed the dates he'd be getting our son and when our son would be coming home (he'd ride the bus home to our house that day) via email, and received confirmation back from him. Two days before my son was supposed to come home, I decided to go to the mall after work. It is dark by the time I get home. My neighbor runs out and tells me that our son came home on the bus, and was outside alone waiting for somebody to get home so she had him come over to her house. My son is 7 years old. I was very upset. My ex said he forgot. I confirmed with him less than a week before. How do you forget something like that when you asked for the extra time in the first place? I reminded him 3 times that he had 2 weeks to take last summer with our son and he never even responded. I always correspond via email so I have a record of everything. Everyone keeps telling me that my biggest problem is that just because I try to take the high road, I expect everyone else to take it to and that isn't the case. I know that. It doesn't make it any less frustrating.

 

[escape2paradise]

I'm not talking about when he does exercise his time, I'm talking about when he has the time and does not take it. I can never really make any concrete plans during the times he's supposed to have our son because I never really know what is going to happen. Case in point: a few weeks ago he asked to keep our son a few additional days because he had family visiting. I said fine (which is usually the case), confirmed the dates he'd be getting our son and when our son would be coming home (he'd ride the bus home to our house that day) via email, and received confirmation back from him. Two days before my son was supposed to come home, I decided to go to the mall after work. It is dark by the time I get home. My neighbor runs out and tells me that our son came home on the bus, and was outside alone waiting for somebody to get home so she had him come over to her house. My son is 7 years old. I was very upset. My ex said he forgot. I confirmed with him less than a week before. How do you forget something like that when you asked for the extra time in the first place? I reminded him 3 times that he had 2 weeks to take last summer with our son and he never even responded. I always correspond via email so I have a record of everything. Everyone keeps telling me that my biggest problem is that just because I try to take the high road, I expect everyone else to take it to and that isn't the case. I know that. It doesn't make it any less frustrating.

It's nice of you to "take the high road". What you have to ask yourself is, where has it gotten you thus far. It sounds like it has not bode well for you. It sounds like your X walks all over you and has you accomodating him at his whim. At some point it needs to stop. With some people you can't ever please them and need to stop the madness of trying. I would not give him more time, that just makes life harder for you. You won't be able to make any plans for even more of the year. Is this a control issue for him or a child support issue? I guess it could be both.

 

[tiredofdrama]

It's nice of you to "take the high road". What you have to ask yourself is, where has it gotten you thus far. It sounds like it has not bode well for you. It sounds like your X walks all over you and has you accomodating him at his whim. At some point it needs to stop. With some people you can't ever please them and need to stop the madness of trying. I would not give him more time, that just makes life harder for you. You won't be able to make any plans for even more of the year. Is this a control issue for him or a child support issue? I guess it could be both.

I believe it is both a control issue and a money issue. I know he loves our son, but he loves himself more. Yes, he has always pushed me around and manipulated me. He knows that our son is the most important thing in the world to me and the guilt that I already feel because he has to come from a broken home. He knows how I feel about making our son into an object to be fought over and he uses that to his advantage. He knows what buttons to push and what cards to play to get to me. That's why I really wanted to get a lawyer and have custody established in the first place. I didn't want him to be able to do this to me anymore. But now, he's just going to continue to do it, but he's going to drag us through the court system while he does it.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

You need to have confirmation on exact dates he will take summer time vacation - probably 2 months in advance - so that you can plan vacation/day care. THAT point needs to be stress in your pre-trial conference. That you have to have NOTICE if he isn't going to pick up.

Normally, I would say that they NCP doesn't have to pick up - it's their right, but not their obligation. But if child support is directly tied to how often they have the child, then by golly, it now becomes an obligation.

If it were me, I would NOT expand until he shows that he is 90/95% consist on what he does take. Can you bring it up in pre-trial that you are willing to revisit the issue in one year if he improves his tract record?

 

[tiredofdrama]

I would be more than happy to revisit the issue in a year. I'd be more than happy to consider any suggestions the court may have. I know that the court doesn't look too fondly on parents who are difficult just for the sake of being difficult. I really want to convey the fact that I am willing to compromise and be flexible. I just don't want to be pushed around. To be honest, for the last 4 years since we split up, I've been visiting this site, researching the net, and even asked a few attorneys on advice on a million different situations so that if it ever came down to my ex and I going in front of a judge, I could feel confident that I always made the best decision. But then it started getting to the point when I questioned whether or not I had any rights at all. I was so busy trying to be accommodating so that I didn't come across as difficult and controlling, that I was totally being controlled. Does that make any sense?