Is this a reasonable long-distance parenting plan?

[SopranoKris]

What is the name of your state? IL


My SBTX & I are trying to come up with a suitable long-distance parenting plan. We've agreed to mediation since we've been very amicable since our separation (3 years ago) and want to work out our parenting plan ourselves. Neither of us foresee us being "enemies" in the future, but we both agree that we should make sure we spell everything out and want to make sure we're not leaving anything out that should be further refined. I've put my questions in bold below. Thanks in advance for your input!

Mediation is scheduled for Thursday (4/24). This is what we've come up with together on our own.

Both parents will have joint LEGAL custody of child. CP will reside in IL, NCP will reside in WA.

NCP will be entitled to extended summer vacation (no later than 1 week after last day of school, returning no later than 1 week prior to start of school), extended Winter vacation (beginning no earlier than day after release from school, returning no later than 3 days prior to classes resuming) & Spring break (beginning no earlier than day after release from school, returning 2 days prior to classes resuming). NCP may also arrange visits with child (either in IL or in WA) for extended weekends when there is a school holiday (e.g. Labor Day, Columbus Day, Veteran's Day, President's Day, etc.), provided NCP gives CP at least 2 week's notice and both parents are in agreement. Question: Both agreed to EVERY winter break. Was willing to alternate Thanksgiving & Christmas to be fair. Would a judge find this acceptable?

NCP will be allowed frequent internet visitation with child (via webcam). NCP will be allowed frequent phone calls with child Question: Should a minimum frequency be set for both internet visitation & phone calls? NCP will continue to do homework with child 2 nights per week (via webcam). NCP will have the right to weekly phone call with child's teacher(s) to stay involved in child's progress at school.

NCP will maintain cost of cell phone for child to remain in contact with NCP at anytime. NCP will provide all transportation costs for child to/from CP's residence in IL. Child support shall be reduced only during Summer, Winter & Spring break by taking the average daily cost of child support, multiply by the number of days child is with NCP and subtract from monthly child support obligation. Question: Both agreed it was fair for NCP to reduce CS during extended time since CP will not have child care expenses during this time. Will a judge find this acceptable or will he/she require CS obligation to remain a fixed "constant"?

If child wishes to attend college, CP & NCP will split the cost of tuition, room, board & supplies equally, after any scholarships, grants, etc. have been applied.

Is there anything that we didn't cover? Do you think we've left anything important out regarding visitation?

 

[TheGeekess]

The only problem I see is as the child/ren grow older and get into HS. Will they want to play sports, march in band, cheerlead? You will either have to address the summer time needed before school starts for those various camps/practices now or at a later date, but I think I would include that somehow.

 

[SopranoKris]

Thanks Geekess. Yes, I think I think that's an excellent point. He is 9 and is already actively involved in baseball, bowling & martial arts. I don't see him giving up sports anytime soon I'll have to talk to my STBX about that tonight when we're at DS's baseball practice.

 

[proud_parent]

Question: Both agreed to EVERY winter break. Was willing to alternate Thanksgiving & Christmas to be fair. Would a judge find this acceptable?

I would think that any judge would appreciate sincere attempts by the parents to reach a compromise that both approve. I don't anticipate a judge would object.

Question: Should a minimum frequency be set for both internet visitation & phone calls?

Frankly, I would specify a minimum frequency and duration. Defined minimums protect both you and your ex if your relationship is not always so amicable as it is now. You are always free to agree to more than your parenting plan requires. I would also suggest specifying minimum internet/telephone visitation for CP during NCP's parenting time.

Question: Both agreed it was fair for NCP to reduce CS during extended time since CP will not have child care expenses during this time. Will a judge find this acceptable or will he/she require CS obligation to remain a fixed "constant"?

Will child support be handled through your state's CSEA? If so, I would think a fixed amount per month would be simpler to administrate. If you both agree this provision of the plan is important, perhaps you might incorporate some language that the obligee will personally reimburse the obligor $xxx.xx in those months (list them) when NCP has the child a majority of the time.

If child wishes to attend college, CP & NCP will split the cost of tuition, room, board & supplies equally, after any scholarships, grants, etc. have been applied.

Bless you both for committing to this, but have you considered what if any amount the child should expect to contribute after scholarships and grants? Student loans -- in the student's name -- are an option for financing an education, and one of the ways a responsible college graduate can build good credit toward purchase of a vehicle, home, etc. Furthermore, you will want to be certain when the time comes that both parents and child agree to what is covered under "supplies". Finally, I think you would be wise to add language including how many years of higher education you are willing to cover (lest your son aspire to a doctoral program or a life as a career student ) and a minimum enrollment status and grade point he must maintain for such support to continue.

 

[Silverplum]

I would think that any judge would appreciate sincere attempts by the parents to reach a compromise that both approve. I don't anticipate a judge would object.

Frankly, I would specify a minimum frequency and duration. Defined minimums protect both you and your ex if your relationship is not always so amicable as it is now. You are always free to agree to more than your parenting plan requires. I would also suggest specifying minimum internet/telephone visitation for CP during NCP's parenting time.

Will child support be handled through your state's CSEA? If so, I would think a fixed amount per month would be simpler to administrate. If you both agree this provision of the plan is important, perhaps you might incorporate some language that the obligee will personally reimburse the obligor $xxx.xx in those months (list them) when NCP has the child a majority of the time.

Bless you both for committing to this, but have you considered what if any amount the child should expect to contribute after scholarships and grants? Student loans -- in the student's name -- are an option for financing an education, and one of the ways a responsible college graduate can build good credit toward purchase of a vehicle, home, etc. Furthermore, you will want to be certain when the time comes that both parents and child agree to what is covered under "supplies". Finally, I think you would be wise to add language including how many years of higher education you are willing to cover (lest your son aspire to a doctoral program or a life as a career student ) and a minimum enrollment status and grade point he must maintain for such support to continue.

I agree entirely with PP.
And I have a cousin who is one of those *career students.* He's in his 30s and has never been out of school. Also, a person I am sadly related to by marriage managed to go to college for 17 years. That's right. College. 17 years.

 

[proud_parent]

That's right. College. 17 years.

Good grief! I've lived in a college town for seventeen years, and some days even vicarious participation in campus life seems intolerable.

I'm all for lifelong learning, but I was relieved to join the ranks of full-time working stiffs when it was my turn.

 

[Ohiogal]

Mediation is scheduled for Thursday (4/24). This is what we've come up with together on our own.

Both parents will have joint LEGAL custody of child. CP will reside in IL, NCP will reside in WA.

Okay.

NCP will be entitled to extended summer vacation (no later than 1 week after last day of school, returning no later than 1 week prior to start of school), extended Winter vacation (beginning no earlier than day after release from school, returning no later than 3 days prior to classes resuming) & Spring break (beginning no earlier than day after release from school, returning 2 days prior to classes resuming). NCP may also arrange visits with child (either in IL or in WA) for extended weekends when there is a school holiday (e.g. Labor Day, Columbus Day, Veteran's Day, President's Day, etc.), provided NCP gives CP at least 2 week's notice and both parents are in agreement. Question: Both agreed to EVERY winter break. Was willing to alternate Thanksgiving & Christmas to be fair. Would a judge find this acceptable?

Define extended and define where the visitations will take place on the long weekend. Define who pays for transportation or provides it.

NCP will be allowed frequent internet visitation with child (via webcam). NCP will be allowed frequent phone calls with child Question: Should a minimum frequency be set for both internet visitation & phone calls? NCP will continue to do homework with child 2 nights per week (via webcam). NCP will have the right to weekly phone call with child's teacher(s) to stay involved in child's progress at school.

Frequency should be defined.How about internet visitation of at least once of week will be allowed.

NCP will maintain cost of cell phone for child to remain in contact with NCP at anytime. NCP will provide all transportation costs for child to/from CP's residence in IL.

Okay you covered transportation. Is transportation going to be taken into consideration for child support? What if NCP cannot afford the costs? Will the child be allowed to fly alone? Is CP going to get child to airport/train station or is NCP expected to drive or pay taxi?

Child support shall be reduced only during Summer, Winter & Spring break by taking the average daily cost of child support, multiply by the number of days child is with NCP and subtract from monthly child support obligation. Question: Both agreed it was fair for NCP to reduce CS during extended time since CP will not have child care expenses during this time. Will a judge find this acceptable or will he/she require CS obligation to remain a fixed "constant"?

Give a credit off the guideline amount. For instance, if guidelines state it should be $400 a month, credit the yearly amount by $1200 and agree to a downward deviation. That makes it easier.

If child wishes to attend college, CP & NCP will split the cost of tuition, room, board & supplies equally, after any scholarships, grants, etc. have been applied.

If the child? Child ends at 18. Is there an end date? In other words, if the child at the age of 65 decides to attend college or go for a second master's degree or a doctorate, do the parents equally split those costs. Why should ANY parent be ordered to foot the bill for college? What happens if you can't afford it then? Leave paying for college out. Now if you want to state that each parent will contribute $15 a month to a college 529 plan until the chlid turns 18 then that is an alternative.

Is there anything that we didn't cover? Do you think we've left anything important out regarding visitation?

Medical care, in network providers vs out of network, whose insurance is primary. Who can provide transportation. Questions above. What happens with extracurriculars? Who pays for the funeral if a minor child dies? Who makes the final decisions if the parents cannot agree on medical concerns -- machines versus not? where is the minor child buried if the child dies? Do the children have a passport? Who pays for the passports/ WHo holds the passports? When will out of country travel be permitted and when won't it -- that is by both parties btw. Then the standard stuff -- mom and dad are the ONLY ONES listed in the mom and dad spaces on the forms.

 

[nextwife]

As to the college thing, you both should commit to saving NOW for your college contributions. Neither of you has any idea what physical or financial shape you will be in when college comes around (having been there as a child of parent who was already terminally ill when I was in my teens) so you should NOT legally commit yourself to something you may be in no position to deliver from your income at that time.

You should also have some requirement for input and agreement by both parents about the institution, just like parents of intact families, rather than having your child potentially select some $100,000 a year school and expect at least half from you. You need it clear that you are not a "blank check" for college at any cost. And, as stated, an age limit. My sis went back to school at 40 to get another 2 decrees (on her OWN dime, nobody elses) and you don't want to be potentially liable for never-ending college.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

From a parent with a long-distance plan:

1. Agree to how far you are willing to drive to an airport. I routinely drive past a very fine airport (35 miles from home) to an airport 90 miles from home because my X saved $10 bucks on the flight.

2. You may want to define the times that flights arrive/ leave. I have left home at 3:15 AM to have my daughter on a plane at 6 AM (see item #1) or have had her arrive at the airport at 11:30 at night (home at 1:30 AM) with school that very morning.

3. You want to define what contact the CP has with the NCP when the child is with the NCP. Does the contact reverse - then fine. (thinking phone calls and webcam here.)

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

And personally, I think that the child should have a stake in the college fund. You may want to think that mom/dad/child each have a 1/3 responsibility for the out-of-pocket expenses past scholarships/grants.

 

[SopranoKris]

Thank you all SO much!

Thank you all so much for your suggestions. I'll try to answer your questions based on the feedback I've received.

College: talked to my STBX about this. While we both very much want our son to attend college, we both agree that it's our DS's choice. If he wishes to attend, we will contribute ONLY if he goes immediately from HS to college and will cap it at age 22 for a Bachelor's Degree. Anything after age 22 or further schooling will be DS's own responsibility. We agreed that we would set up separate 529 Plans for his schooling and contribute. If there are any expenses outside of what's in the 529 Plan, he can get a job (just like we did when we went to college) and help pay his expenses or do a student loan and pay it off himself. Neither of us want to end up with a "professional student" on our hands

Will child support be handled through your state's CSEA? Neither of us are sure we have to go through CSEA or if we can make an arrangement to have NCP pay CP. Will have to ask attorney about this one.

Minimum frequency of phone calls & internet visits: we agreed to twice daily phone calls (before & after school) at a minimum. More frequent if DS wishes. We both agreed we won't force him to stay on the phone longer than he wants or adhere to a set time. He's 9 right now, so unless he's excited about something, most conversations are only a few minutes at the most. Internet visits we agreed to a minimum of 3 per week, especially since we'll use it to do homework together 2 nights per week. Just like phone calls, more will be allowed if DH wishes. We both agreed that when DS is visiting NCP, the phone/internet visitation works the same way, so we always have daily contact and are both involved.

Define extended and define where the visitations will take place on the long weekend: Extended simply means longer than the "standard" summer visitation usually allotted in a typical visitation plan. I guess we can drop the wording of "extended". As for long weekends, if NCP travels to IL, DS will stay with NCP at arranged accomodations. If DS travels to WA, then he stays at NCP's house.

Is transportation going to be taken into consideration for child support? What if NCP cannot afford the costs? Will the child be allowed to fly alone? Is CP going to get child to airport/train station or is NCP expected to drive or pay taxi?: We agreed to lower or "pro rate" the amount of CS NCP pays during Summer, Winter & Spring Breaks. This will allow NCP to be able to afford extra transportation costs. DS has been travelling on airplanes since he was a baby and has flown to visit grandparents several times as an UM. So no worries about flying. CP agrees to cover cost of getting to/from airport in IL. NCP pays airfare for DS and cost of getting him to/from airport in WA.

edical care, in network providers vs out of network, whose insurance is primary?: NCP is the only one who currently has medical insurance and will continue to provide medical insurance 100% for DS. CP will be responsible for co-pays for Dr. Visits, tests, procedures, etc. For events outside of routine medical, CP & NCP will split cost 50/50 (e.g. surgery, emergency room). NCP's insurance requires in-network providers. If CP is able to obtain insurance through work, then NCP's insurance will be primary and CP's will be secondary insurance.

Who can provide transportation?: Hmmm, you know we never really thought about that. There's no one we both currently know whom we DON'T want driving DS around. Neither of us have family that lives closer than 40 miles away. Neither of us have a problem with DS riding with a responsible adult. We both have to think that one over.

What happens with extracurriculars?: CP & NCP split cost 50/50. DS currently participates in bowling, baseball & martial arts. Both of us agree that THREE extracurriculars at one time are enough. The bigger question is when DS gets older and the potential for extracurriculars to spill over into NCPs scheduled visitation. We'll have to discuss what would be a reasonable compromise. That's a tough one because it's such an unknown right now!

Who pays for the funeral if a minor child dies? Where is the minor child buried if the child dies?: CP & NCP split cost 50/50. Both of us agree that we prefer to donate all viable organs and cremate (each share cremains). And I pray to God that we NEVER have to put that into effect!!!

Who makes the final decisions if the parents cannot agree on medical concerns -- machines versus not?: Both of us agree that brain dead means life support should be turned off. Not sure on who gets the "trump" card on medical decisions if we cannot agree. We've never had any major medical issues with DS come up and we've always been in agreement for routine decisions. Will have to discuss this one further.

Do the children have a passport? Who pays for the passports/ WHo holds the passports?: DS currently does not have a passport. I think obtaining a passport would depend on if there was a trip overseas planned. Neither of us are opposed to DS travelling overseas as long as he is accompanied by either the CP or NCP on the trip (until he proves he's mature enough to go on a chaperoned, overseas trip in highschool). Another one we'll have to discuss in more detail as we haven't really thought about it.

Finally: Thank you all so very much for the thought-provoking questions. You have been TREMENDOUSLY helpful. There are so many things that you just don't think about until they actually happen! I sincerely appreciate all your input & expertise.

 

[SopranoKris]

From a parent with a long-distance plan:

1. Agree to how far you are willing to drive to an airport. I routinely drive past a very fine airport (35 miles from home) to an airport 90 miles from home because my X saved $10 bucks on the flight.

2. You may want to define the times that flights arrive/ leave. I have left home at 3:15 AM to have my daughter on a plane at 6 AM (see item #1) or have had her arrive at the airport at 11:30 at night (home at 1:30 AM) with school that very morning.

3. You want to define what contact the CP has with the NCP when the child is with the NCP. Does the contact reverse - then fine. (thinking phone calls and webcam here.)

Hi Ginny,

Good points you made! NCP would be near only 1 major airport with direct flights to/from Chicago, so no worries on NCP receiving side. In IL, there are only 2 major airports with direct flights to/from NCP's airport and CP lives equidistant to both airports, so either choice is acceptable. We'll have to talk about acceptable flight times in further detail. I would assume while DS is young that we would not allow departures before 6 AM or arrivals after 11 PM. But I'm just assuming. Will have to talk to STBX about that. And yes, CP contact while with NCP would be reversed. Most definitely

 

[2Mistakes]

I just wanted to say that it's very refreshing to see 2 parents works so well together for the good of the child. My hats off to you and your ex.

The only thing I would like to interject is that 2 phone calls daily seems a bit excessive, IMO. And putting that in writing? I think it could come back to bite you in the butt later.

 

[proud_parent]

Kris, can I hijack for just a moment to state how refreshing it is to read that you are able to discuss and to resolve these issues with your STBX as adults? Seriously, with all the petty vindictiveness played out on this forum daily, I am THRILLED to see evidence of a couple who are conducting themselves respectably.

Kudos to you! And may you weather any unforeseen storms in your future so smoothly!!

 

[proud_parent]

Ah, I see I wasn't the first to weigh in on the "refreshing" bit.

I bet I won't be the last, either.