Is this appropriate ( kind of OT )?

[olhobbes]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA

I'm hoping to lean on the experience of others here, both in the court and with raising a child in this environment; Is it appropriate to tell my daughter that she should feel comfortable talking to me about the fights and arguments mom gets into with her husband, where it happens when she's around them? Their private life isn't any of my business, and frankly I don't care except where it impacts my daughter. There have been times when my daughter has hid in her bed room because of step-dad's temper, and a few occasions where mom has packed up and left because of his temper.

I don't want to run afoul of any mediator or judge's opinion that I am prying, but I do want to help my daughter come to terms with the situations she has been placed in ( beyond mom saying his temper wasn't the reason they left, and to not tell me about it, and that it wasn't anything to be scared of. Possibly worth noting at this point; Mom has called the police twice that I know of ).

This has come up because my daughter has been talking to me about this already, but she's been told not to by her mother. I want to reassure her that she should talk to whomever she feels comfortable discussing this stuff with, but I worry about future legal repercussions if I do so.

Thanks folks.

 

[ecmst12]

It would be better if she had an impartial therapist to discuss the situation with, without stepping on the privacy concerns of mom and stepdad. What goes on in their house is not, for the most part, your business, but if she needs to talk to someone she should have someone to talk to.

 

[CJane]

I think, they way you've phrased/approached it here, it would be completely inappropriate.

 

[Ohiogal]

How about you say something like this: Honey, I want you to know that you can always talk to me about anything that is bothering you, troubling you, causing you issues or making you uncomfortable. Together, we can work towards solutions, and, if you don't feel comfortable talking to me about someone, I can find someone that you WILL feel comfortable talking to. Okay, sweetie?

 

[olhobbes]

How about you say something like this: Honey, I want you to know that you can always talk to me about anything that is bothering you, troubling you, causing you issues or making you uncomfortable. Together, we can work towards solutions, and, if you don't feel comfortable talking to me about someone, I can find someone that you WILL feel comfortable talking to. Okay, sweetie?

I've actually told her something very similar in the past, several times. The issue is that mom has actively told her not to discuss certain things with me, but she ( daughter ) wants to. It seems to me mom has put her in a very difficult situation, especially for a young one, and I don't want to make it worse by

1) not addressing her concerns ( she wants to talk to me about stuff that mom has forbidden her to discuss with me ) or
2) giving her instructions that makes her have to choose which parent to listen to.

As far as professional therapy; joint legal, and mom isn't agreeing to it. It's debatable whether this is worth bringing back to court as I feel our daughter is fairly well adjusted; I think mom's reaction to being dragged back in to court would be more damaging to our daughter than the situation as it stands.

 

[ecmst12]

I understand where you are coming from, but I can also see mom's point of view not wanting to have her marital issues discussed with her ex by her child, ya know? If the child DOES talk to you about it, I assume you would proceed with extreme discretion and not try to use any of the information against mom in any way, right?

 

[olhobbes]

I understand where you are coming from, but I can also see mom's point of view not wanting to have her marital issues discussed with her ex by her child, ya know? If the child DOES talk to you about it, I assume you would proceed with extreme discretion and not try to use any of the information against mom in any way, right?

oh, I completely appreciate mom's perspective too, although I, myself, gave up any notion of privacy about the time our daughter hit 3. She loves chatting it up with people.

When discussing these issues with her, I have limited my responses to how they've made her feel and how she might have handled the situation differently ( were she the adult ). I do not ask for further details, instead I work with the details our daughter spontaneously provides. As far as not using it against mom... I probably won't even mention anything our daughter discusses....but that door remains open if I need to act to protect my daughter from harm.

 

[st-kitts]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? CA
I'm hoping to lean on the experience of others here, both in the court and with raising a child in this environment;

There have been times when my daughter has hid in her bed room because of step-dad's temper, and a few occasions where mom has packed up and left because of his temper.

There have been times when my daughter has hid in her bed room because of step-dad's temper, and a few occasions where mom has packed up and left because of his temper.

Temper is an interesting word choice. In my world, temper became a euphemism for violence, but it is not a euphemism for everyone. To some that could mean yelling, slamming doors, stomping feet, or just getting mad quickly or easily. When the word temper is used, have you ever asked the person using the word to elaborate on what they mean by the term?

Possibly worth noting at this point; Mom has called the police twice that I know of .

There are certainly a lot of indicators that the mom and stepdad have some violence in the household, although without convictions those indicators do not equate to “proof.” I would be concerned in your shoes.

If you research this from a counseling standpoint, in addition to the legal standpoint, there is a lot of good information on the subject of helping kids that experience or witness some abuse or violence.
Here is an article that is intended for teachers dealing with the subject of DV when a disclosure is made by a child. I think it has a lot of good information for you and how to assist your child in coping.

http://www.lfcc.on.ca/ece-us.PDF

Reading "To be an Anchor in a Storm" by Susan Brewster might also be a good step for you. The book is designed to help family members support and deal with a loved one that is in an abusive relationship. It doesn't advocate rescuing the abused person, but rather developing on listening skills and coping strategies. It has a chapter on kids. Understanding the dynamic your ex is in, and identifying how to support your child (and your ex) would be beneficial.

 

[gr8rn]

It's debatable whether this is worth bringing back to court as I feel our daughter is fairly well adjusted;

This is key. If your daughter is well adjusted (plays well with others, does well in school, is sleeping well and interacting normally with family members-- in your eyes), then she probably is ok without therapy, but coping skills are important, and in my opinion, she is able to discuss her concerns with you, so help her cope, and don't push for more information. Don't dwell on it, don't make it the main topic of conversation.

Encourage her to talk to Mom about her fears and concerns. Remember, Mom loves her too, and Mom does leave when things get too intense so it shows she is thinking about the child if she is taking her out of the situation...she does take the child with her when she leaves, correct?

 

[olhobbes]

Thank you both for your input. st-kitts, I will be checking out that link and that book. I've done quite a bit of research already as to how best to approach this situation, but more information can only help.

I have prompted her to speak with her mother about this, but even here I'm not sure what the best course is. When I've encouraged her to talk to her mother about this, my daughter gets kind of panicky and says she is scared to. When I ask her why, she says she doesn't like making her mother sad. I suggest it every time she brings issues up, as a matter of fact ( outside of this ), but she always has a reason why she doesn't want to ( which is why I always do my best to talk these issues out with her ).

In the past when our daughter has had a large concern that her mother should be aware of, I have emailed her mother to talk about it...to less than good results. While I don't mind being yelled at ( email or otherwise ), she has said things to our child that does nothing to help the situation ( "You shouldn't have said anything to your father", ect... ).

Thanks again, everyone who gave their input in this thread. It's hard to know what the right thing to do is, advice from experience is always valued.

 

[CJane]

Your daughter is what... 7? 8?

 

[olhobbes]

Your daughter is what... 7? 8?

Eight, now.

 

[stealth2]

I have prompted her to speak with her mother about this, but even here I'm not sure what the best course is. When I've encouraged her to talk to her mother about this, my daughter gets kind of panicky and says she is scared to. When I ask her why, she says she doesn't like making her mother sad. I suggest it every time she brings issues up, as a matter of fact ( outside of this ), but she always has a reason why she doesn't want to ( which is why I always do my best to talk these issues out with her ).

In the past when our daughter has had a large concern that her mother should be aware of, I have emailed her mother to talk about it...to less than good results. While I don't mind being yelled at ( email or otherwise ), she has said things to our child that does nothing to help the situation ( "You shouldn't have said anything to your father", ect... ).

When my kids came to me with issues they had with their Dad, I would ask them if they had spoken with him about it. They invariably said no because he would either not listen to their concerns or et angry. As I told them, though - just as *I* can't fix an issue they have with me/our hometheir Dad can't fix something he doesn't know about, either. And so we role played, from BOTH sides. It gave them some confidence in approaching him. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't.

And... I did make sure that they knew that they could talk to their teacher, school counselor, principal, etc... As well as when a call to 911 could be appropriate. And when it was not.

 

[CJane]

She's 8.

Maybe I'm misinterpreting what you're saying, but it sure sounds to me like you're asking your child to do one of two things:

1) Get involved in her Mother's ADULT relationships and behave as if she's allowed to tell her mother how to behave/how she should live her life

or

2) Bring all of her concerns regarding her Mother's ADULT relationships to YOU so that you can then tell her Mother how to behave/how she should live her life.

Believe me, I get that "it affects your child". But let me tell you something from experience.

A kid that age? She needs to focus on being a kid. Instead of telling her "Come to ME with all of your fears and concerns!" or "Tell your Mom all about your problems with how she's chosen to live her life!", how about telling her "Honey, there are so many things you can't possibly know about how grownups act with each other, or how relationships work. I know it's not always sunshine and roses ANYWHERE, but you need to remember that's true no matter where you are or who you're with."

Make sure she knows how to reach emergency services if necessary. Make sure she knows to come to you if she's truly not safe.

But stop acting as if she can possibly process the intricacies of an adult relationship and accurately pass that information on to you for you to 'do something about'.

My ex wanted the kids all up in my business, and encouraged 'full reports' from them when they came home from my house. It was incredibly damaging to THEM and to his relationship with them. And it was supremely irritating to ME to have a child of 6 or 7 or 8 telling me that I wasn't living up to the standards set by someone else.

 

[stealth2]

Good points, CJ.