Is this appropriate ( kind of OT )?

[olhobbes]

I think you're misunderstanding what I'm saying, CJane. I am certainly not advising my child to "Get involved in her Mother's ADULT relationships and behave as if she's allowed to tell her mother how to behave/how she should live her life", nor am I " Bring all of her concerns regarding her Mother's ADULT relationships to YOU so that you can then tell her Mother how to behave/how she should live her life.". If you quote what gave you this misunderstanding, I can clarify my position.

What I am doing is trying to help my daughter come to terms to the DV she has been exposed to, due to her bringing the topic up. I don't tell her to come to me for everything, but I do tell her she *can*. That's really all my original post was asking, was if it's appropriate to tell her that in all situations. I also tell her she should speak with anyone she is comfortable speaking with, and that she should talk to her mother about things that are related to her mother's environment.

What I will not do is dismiss her fears as irrelevant by saying something like, "Honey, there are so many things you can't possibly know about how grownups act with each other, or how relationships work.". While true, it's irrelevant to the fear my daughter still feels from those situations.

But stop acting as if she can possibly process the intricacies of an adult relationship and accurately pass that information on to you for you to 'do something about'.

I'm not sure I understand the source of this statement, I don't believe anything I've said relates to this. Which is why I think you have misunderstood my position.

( btw: please do give me examples where indicated. I obviously failed to communicate my intent and the actual situation, and I'd like to learn to communicate these concepts effectively by learning from my mistakes. )

 

[CJane]

The above is the first time you've called whatever is happening at Mom's house DV.

You'd previously stated that StepDad has a "temper". st-kitts called in violence. Long before you did.

*I have a temper. I'm a yeller. I'm a "OMG, I've asked you 470000 times to clean off the stairs so no one falls and breaks their neck! Just get it the *($#*$#($)%) DONE!" Kind of person sometimes.

If the kids went back to my ex's house and relayed their PERCEPTION of what happens at my house, and he has to hear it in a vacuum because he hasn't spoken two words to me in almost 9 years, he'd probably make some pretty broad assumptions.

By the same token, when the kids came to ME and articulated very specific threats made to them by their step-mother, and told me that their father was present when those threats were made, and he did nothing at all about it, I felt I needed to interfere and involve family servies.

Do you see the difference?

So what is your child doing? Bringing to you her PERCEPTION - as a CHILD - of what is going on at Mom's house? Or specifically articulating potential danger to her and her mother at the hands of the stepfather/boyfriend/whatever?

 

[olhobbes]

The above is the first time you've called whatever is happening at Mom's house DV.

You'd previously stated that StepDad has a "temper". st-kitts called in violence. Long before you did.

*I have a temper. I'm a yeller. I'm a "OMG, I've asked you 470000 times to clean off the stairs so no one falls and breaks their neck! Just get it the *($#*$#($)%) DONE!" Kind of person sometimes.

If the kids went back to my ex's house and relayed their PERCEPTION of what happens at my house, and he has to hear it in a vacuum because he hasn't spoken two words to me in almost 9 years, he'd probably make some pretty broad assumptions.

By the same token, when the kids came to ME and articulated very specific threats made to them by their step-mother, and told me that their father was present when those threats were made, and he did nothing at all about it, I felt I needed to interfere and involve family servies.

Do you see the difference?

So what is your child doing? Bringing to you her PERCEPTION - as a CHILD - of what is going on at Mom's house? Or specifically articulating potential danger to her and her mother at the hands of the stepfather/boyfriend/whatever?

I didn't ( and don't ) feel the specifics were relevant to the discussion, hence I didn't call it DV ( although I have in the past, not that it's relevant: https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-custody-visitation-37/domestic-violence-578808.html#post3046650 ).

My question was related to how I should respond to my daughter when she brings these issues up for discussion. Her mother has told her, a number of times, not to discuss this stuff with me, yet my daughter continually does so. I do not bring up these discussions, nor do I dig for more information. I feel ( yes, it's my opinion ) that her mother isn't addressing our daughter's linger issues over these instances, which is why I suspect she continually goes against her mother's word to discuss these things with me. I do tell her that she should talk to her mother about these ( and other ) issues as they are relevant. I also tell my daughter she should discuss things with anyone she feels comfortable discussing things with. And yes, I have told her that she should feel comfortable talking to me about anything she might wish to ( although not when discussing the issues at her mother's house ). I was concerned that a mediator or judge might find fault with this stance, however, which is why I created the thread.

 

[>Charlotte<]

Maybe I'm just getting too cynical, olhobbes, but this is what I'm hearing:

"I want to keep tabs on what my ex is doing, but I know using my child as a spy is a big no-no. It's perfectly reasonable, however, to reassure my child that I am a safe haven for her. What's the best way to approach this so that it sounds as much as possible like the latter instead of the former?"

If you have an obvious motive for keeping tabs, such as gathering evidence to modify custody (or wanting to modify child support, which can be achieved by modifying custody), that's probably what a lot of the people involved in the case are going to hear, too.

Make sure your child knows she can call 911 or run to a (known and trusted) neighbor if she feels her physical safety is at risk. If she is physically safe but experiencing stress, that's what therapy is for. In fact, there's no "if". Your daughter's emotional distress sounds guaranteed. You really can't make an appointment fast enough. Then she will have several excellent resources for help: the police, a close neighbor, and her therapist (not to mention her school counselors and her pediatrician). Everyone but the neighbor is a mandated reporter and will know what to report and when to report it. You won't have to worry that any attempt on your part will be viewed with suspicion of your motives.

Aside from all that, I don't think you need to figure out how to let her know she can confide in you. You're her father. If she needs to--I mean if she really needs to--she will.

If you haven't pushed it, don't worry about what a mediator or judge might think. Just don't start pushing it now.