I've really had it

[Nevergrowup]

ugh. that just makes stepmom MORE disgusting as far as i am concerned.

Wow. Just...wow. That never even crossed my mind.

I can't imagine WHY, as dad and I were over years before he even met her...but YES, daughter looks more and more like me. She even tinted her hair (he gave permission) and it is much more like my color now (hence the eggplant comments and the "I'm not sure who chose that color, you or your Mother" statement. She looked like both of us as a child but as a teen she favors me, for sure.

 

[Nevergrowup]

Think of this from her perspective:
- money out of the family budget to pay for child support
- reminder that she is NOT mom to this child
- dealing with a kiddo that is NOT hers but that technically she can't discipline, but dad isn't there
- that he is a lying cheat and why is it that his daughter thinks he's the best thing from sliced bread
- resentfulness that she has all this extra work with no returns

We can all say that yes, she KNEW that he had children prior to her, but that requires adult feelings. Sometimes our inner brat comes out and we don't always think adult-like. Mind you, I'm not approving of the behaviour; this is more a matter of gathering the insight to the situation to find a solution.

You've made excellent points, and truly, I have tried to see from her perspective. But the source of stepmom's issues have to do with dad. I cannot get past the fact that she is mean, nasty, and cruel to a child. Clearly, she is so disturbed that she can't control herself, which is why I am afraid of escalation. I do have some sympathy for her, believe it or not...she is married to my ex, who I was smart enough not to marry. He is a good buddy type guy, and lots of fun at a bar, but his ways probably makes a control freak like her lose all grip on sanity.

I try to do things to mitigate stepmoms issues...like telling daughter not to wear makeup over there since it makes stepmom mental. But nothing daughter does is right. She is accused of only not wearing makeup to be manipulative.

This woman has a PHD (she sent child support with a post it with the title, lol, had to make sure I knew) and runs a school. Pillar of the community and all that. Yet she emotionally tortures my child. Bottom line is dad should not be leaving daughter with her when he isn't there. At least when he is there, he stands up for her (sort of) and she feels like he cares. Daughter says that dad tells stepmom to back off and they fight when she does those things, but then daughter feels guilty because they are fighting! Vicious circle.

 

[Nevergrowup]

I mainly lurk but had to log in to reply to this.

OP, your daughter needs counseling yesterday. I lived with this stepmom for over 10 years. I could have written your daughters story. From the initial bonding to the cool off period to escalating to abuse. However, there were no bruises to point to, nothing I could show anyone to prove I was being abused. Your daughter is lucky in that she has you to stand up for her. My mother wasn't around much then and like your daughter, my father would admit it but would say he had no idea what to do. So I was left with her, constantly. From 12 on she made comments daily from my appearance to my morals. She flung stuff in my face, she destroyed my property. She rolled her eyes and sighed if I so much entered the same room as her. Apparently I breathe too loudly and don't walk fast enough to get out of the way of the tv.

So you think at 18 it magically ends? No, it doesnt. I've spent the past 10 years in therapy on and off trying to figure out why I pick emotionally unavailable men or abusive ones. Why I am drawn to people that act like they hate me. I've spent a lot of time wondering why I make these choices in my life that are obviously detrimental. But it is what I know, what was allowed to happen to me, it became the only comfortable way I knew how to live. Anyway, don't let that happen to your daughter.

I know your daughter said she wants to see the sibling from her Dads house, I wanted to as well. But as we are all getting older all it did was show them that I was a person that could be treated badly. I still love them, but their mother did a number on them in regards to relationships with people. I would not be surprised if these children will start treating your daughter the same, afterall their mother does it.

Wow, Mamie, you made me tear up a little.

Daughter came home with her last cell phone mysteriously snapped in half, and no one at their house had any explanation (I know it was stepmom, cell phone was a bone of contention). Your comment about property reminded me.

I will take your comments and experience to heart. I too had stepmom issues, and dad issues because he didn't stand up for me. It really does affect relationships, for many years. I thought I deserved to be treated like crap, and it sounds like you had a very similar (and worse) experience.

 

[Zephyr]

Would Dad be ok with kiddo going home to you if/when he's not home?

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

The timing of this posting and suddenly, my older daughter tangled with the X's GF last night/ this morning. My daughter was defending me to the GF along with giving her a piece of her mind. She forwarded to me the message. They don't get better.

I highly recommend counseling for daughter. Would be nice for dad to also work with child on relationship. It is up to dad to contain the behaviour of stepmom.

 

[Nevergrowup]

Would Dad be ok with kiddo going home to you if/when he's not home?

Possibly. I told him I would help drive if needed to faciliate. He didn't immediately shoot me down, so that is a hopeful sign. I suggested that perhaps twice a month she only goes there Saturday to Sunday, since he almost always works Friday nights, and if he is planning on working Saturday night, she can go there Saturday day, and perhaps Sunday day too, when he is home and coherent (he sleeps late because of the job). I don't mind giving up some holiday time to help if he will be home and not working (his job is flexible but I understand that the biggest money happens on the weekends). Weekday visitation is really impossible...he has more time, but daughter absolutely does not, and the drive makes it prohibitive because traffic is terrible on our route with a major highway closed currently, so driving so much on a weeknight isn't really feasible. If he wants to meet in the middle for an activity with her, or pick her up for dinner or something, that would be great.

Really, he'd get as much quality time with her as he already has. She will be there when he is around, and I think he can even see that is best. I believe he is worried that his wife will accuse him of failing as a father if he just "gives in" or doesn't assert his "right" to take her e/o/w, but as she gets older, I barely see her myself! With school and activites, she is a busy girl. We are both proud of what she has accomplished, and he has made an occasional effort to come see her cheer, which I know makes her happy. If he structures her visits to when he is home, he might get really meaningful time with her.

My door is also open...if he has a free weeknight and wants to take her to spend some time with her, right on! He knows that, I have always been flexible that way. He has even called me an hour before and said hey, can I take her to a movie? SURE! I know he loves her, and I know this makes him sad. Hopefully he is giving it some deep thought. He said he would call me after he thinks about it more.

I so appreciate everyone's help. This might be a small problem compared to a lot of stories on here, but it means a lot that you all devoted some of your precious time to help me and daughter

 

[MichaCA]

Back re the coparent counseling idea...I understand the logistics of pulling it together (finding a good one is hard enough in my estimation, finding one to accomodate both of your schedules, perhaps midway could be a feat), and its a fine line of not doing something by attempting to 'change' dads' behavior. I thought about why I suggested it, and I guess I did cause I hoped that - yes, even though he agrees on the surface now - it puts the information square in his face, on a weekly or bi monthly basis (regularely) of the pain daughter is going through and possible causes and solutions, and also GIVES him an opportunity to coparent with you. And yes, he may just agree and agree and do different stuff at home...my ex did that too. And thats painful and frustrating.

However, given that he does agree with you technically, I just think there is a shot that the counseling could be the boost he needs to create space for your child. Sorry to rub in the idea if it just won't work, guess I'm attached to dad getting some special attention here...cause I think HE needs it to get his act together for the child, and its the only way I see that happening.

Thanks for listening and good luck with all this. Sounds to me like a simple case of a insecure, and jealous stepmother - given what you've said - who hasn't grown up enough to hold her negative feelings in when she has them, and dad also being not grown up as much to know how to deal with it. Not making excuses for them... I sure hope something shifts in the whole equation, in a positive direction.

 

[Nevergrowup]

Update

Just an update and some concerns.

Dad sort of agreed with me that he would only have daughter come over when he wasn't working, so great there...is not interested in going to coparent counseling. He sees no problem between the two of us coparenting...which is sort of true...we are fairly friendly...

Christmas had problems.

Christmas Eve, dad picked daughter up from my parents, and daughter wasn't ready, so my parents invited dad into their house out of the cold, with his other kids. Later that night, stepmom cornered daughter out of dad's hearing and told daughter that she was devastated that her kids spent part of their Christmas Eve with my parents, and that she knows both me and my mom hate her, and that she was so upset that she was tempted not to go to her own family party that evening.

Then, dad brought daughter home 2 1/2 hours late on Christmas morning (I expected it so I didn't let it bother me) but the reasons were stepmom forgot stuff, stepmom needed an energy drink...daughter said stepmom made him go back to their house 3 times (I'd bet she was trying to "run" our Christmas, didn't work).

Then, they all went several hours away out of town. Dad and Stepmom fought so much that he ended up leaving stepmom and taking all 5 of his kids back home, and driving back the next day to go get her. During that time, stepmom continuously called and screamed at dad while all the kids were within listening in the car. He also left all 5 of them in the car for about an hour while he was fighting back and forth with stepmom (daughter is 15 so I'm not saying that is neglect, technically she can watch the others).

His family started calling daughter, telling her to "hang in there". Dad admits it is an issue but will not agree to not having daughter around stepmom. This is escalating every time...there is much more but I don't want you to go to sleep.

I just consulted with an attorney (he is a very good attorney), who told me because of her age, if it gets bad enough, to just stop letting her go and see what he does. My feeling is he won't take me to court...he owes me a ton, and I doubt stepmom would allow him to spend money for court...but even if he did, by the time it got to court daughter would be 16 and have a lot more say. Thoughts? I don't want to get in trouble, but we've had a very loosey goosey time of it anyway...we haven't followed the order in the entire time we've had it.

 

[ecmst12]

Sounds like dad and stepmom are headed for divorceville....maybe daughter can just stop visiting until after they are officially separated.

 

[ecmst12]

She must be devastated that her kids know she was lying when she told them what horrible monsters mom and her family are

 

[frylover]

I know legally this has nothing to do with anything, but....

My God, is stepmom dramatic much? How long were her precious little angels in your parents house that she was so "devastated" that she might not be able to go to her own family party? It seems that teenagers here are constantly accused of being manipulative but stepmommy sounds pretty darn manipulative to me! Your daughter sounds more mature than her.

 

[Nevergrowup]

Another update

Thought you all would like to hear an update!

Things have been well. I did make an appointment with a counselor...however...in between that, daughter talked to her guidance counselor at school and then declared she had no interest in talking to anyone else. I didn't cancel the appointment right away (it was a month away anyway) but did end up cancelling, because daughter is doing GREAT! Not that counseling couldn't have helped anyway, but daughter is behaving like a normal teen .

Dad has seen her a couple of times, he has taken her only when he is home, and at the most for two nights during Spring break, when he was there the whole time. He is making a point to do things like taking her to midnight movies with just the two of them. Stepmom was cordial with her last visit although the kids still say alarming things to daughter like "why do you love your other family more than us", which hurts daughter but she said to me "Mom, they'll grow up and realize the truth." Wise for a 15 year old.

Recently I was in dad's extended family's home town, so they all took daughter for most of the weekend, spoiled her and hung out with her, which I thought was fantastic. Dad's sis called me and told me that it is so exciting to all of them when they get to see her, especially alone (meaning no stepmom). A few of them brought up stepmom to daughter and grandpa told her that no one better "mess with" his granddaughter. Funny, I thought, obviously he was kidding but it made daughter feel good.

Child support is still way hit or miss, he owes me a few thousand but as smooth as things are right now with daughter, I don't care if I ever see it. Not about to stir the hornet (meaning stepmom). Daughter's sanity is worth way more than money to me. On one hand, it is sad to me that dad can't man up, stand up to his wife and really be THERE...but...daughter loves him despite the faults that she sees, and holds no grudge, she is just delighted he isn't forcing her to go over there all the time. It is like a weight was lifted and made me see all the more how horrible that woman was to her. Although I think it hurts dad not to see her, he is trying to do what is best for her the only way he knows how...so it is what it is.

Anyway, since everyone helped me so much, I thought you all deserved an update! Thanks for being there for me.

 

[LdiJ]

Another update

Thought you all would like to hear an update!

Things have been well. I did make an appointment with a counselor...however...in between that, daughter talked to her guidance counselor at school and then declared she had no interest in talking to anyone else. I didn't cancel the appointment right away (it was a month away anyway) but did end up cancelling, because daughter is doing GREAT! Not that counseling couldn't have helped anyway, but daughter is behaving like a normal teen .

Dad has seen her a couple of times, he has taken her only when he is home, and at the most for two nights during Spring break, when he was there the whole time. He is making a point to do things like taking her to midnight movies with just the two of them. Stepmom was cordial with her last visit although the kids still say alarming things to daughter like "why do you love your other family more than us", which hurts daughter but she said to me "Mom, they'll grow up and realize the truth." Wise for a 15 year old.

Recently I was in dad's extended family's home town, so they all took daughter for most of the weekend, spoiled her and hung out with her, which I thought was fantastic. Dad's sis called me and told me that it is so exciting to all of them when they get to see her, especially alone (meaning no stepmom). A few of them brought up stepmom to daughter and grandpa told her that no one better "mess with" his granddaughter. Funny, I thought, obviously he was kidding but it made daughter feel good.

Child support is still way hit or miss, he owes me a few thousand but as smooth as things are right now with daughter, I don't care if I ever see it. Not about to stir the hornet (meaning stepmom). Daughter's sanity is worth way more than money to me. On one hand, it is sad to me that dad can't man up, stand up to his wife and really be THERE...but...daughter loves him despite the faults that she sees, and holds no grudge, she is just delighted he isn't forcing her to go over there all the time. It is like a weight was lifted and made me see all the more how horrible that woman was to her. Although I think it hurts dad not to see her, he is trying to do what is best for her the only way he knows how...so it is what it is.

Anyway, since everyone helped me so much, I thought you all deserved an update! Thanks for being there for me.

I am really glad to hear that things are going so much better for your daughter.