Kids calling me by first name

[killerzoey]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? HI

Despite my many polite requests to stop, ex has developed a habit of saying my name condescendingly/gruffly. He thinks it's funny, and now that he knows I don't like it, he does it more.

Now he has the kids doing it. When I call him (to let him know I'm on my way, etc.) he hands them the phone and has them say my name this way.

I don't want to be mocked by him and I don't want him coaching them to call me by my first name in any tone. They have started calling me by my name at home when they first come back from Dad's.

Yesterday after dd answered the phone and addressed me this way, I could hear him laughing in the background, as usual. I asked dd to hand him the phone, politely but firmly demanded he stop putting her up to this. He seemed to really enjoy this. He got so heady with power that he then refused to meet me at the exchange place. He has refused to pick up the phone or return my calls...for a DAY.

He was supposed to have them Thursday night, now he he kept them Friday night and as I haven't heard from him, it looks like he plans to keep them Saturday (tonight) as well. I do not want to drive over there with him in this state as he will undoubtedly continue the mockery in front of the kids. Besides the scene-in-front-of-the-kids thing, I have made it clear that I don't want him coming to my house uninvited, and I feel like I would be negating that if I did it myself. I am trying to demonstrate respect and boundaries. Maybe I should just try...I don't know. It could go very badly.

I am in the process of trying to get a formal visitation agreement in effect so that if he tries to punish me again via the kids in this particular way, I will have recourse. It will also help with other issues.

What can I do about the open mocking, and him coaching them to call me by my first name, even in a derogatory tone? He is passive aggressive, and just says he's kidding--the hallmark of bullying. I feel I can curtail the kids calling me by my name, but without a good reason to, he won't stop the tone and behavior. I don't want the kids to see their mom treated that way. He doesn't do it every time, but he does have a whole arsenal of similar stuff. This is just what he's getting his jollies from at the moment. He also likes to show up at dd's school (where I teach) wearing nothing but swim trunks, say "Oh Ms. _____!" while loudly walking down the hall way, generally try to attract attention, possibly trying to embarrass me.

I am so close to feeling defeated by this man. Because everything he does, it's just not quite bad enough to get him consequences. He is the master of passive aggressive behavior and he is seriously messing with me and with our kids' heads. Who knows what he's telling him about why they're not with Mom as planned. Probably telling him that I just decided not to be with them. I know my relationship with them is very very strong, though, and I'm counting on it. I also know that they do not want to take part in mocking me, that they just don't quite understand. They're only 3 and 6, it must be so confusing.

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? HI

Despite my many polite requests to stop, ex has developed a habit of saying my name condescendingly/gruffly. He thinks it's funny, and now that he knows I don't like it, he does it more.

Now he has the kids doing it. When I call him (to let him know I'm on my way, etc.) he hands them the phone and has them say my name this way.

And? You teach your children proper respect and ignore his childish behavior.

I don't want to be mocked by him and I don't want him coaching them to call me by my first name in any tone. They have started calling me by my name at home when they first come back from Dad's.

Correct them and move on.

Yesterday after dd answered the phone and addressed me this way, I could hear him laughing in the background, as usual. I asked dd to hand him the phone, politely but firmly demanded he stop putting her up to this. He seemed to really enjoy this. He got so heady with power that he then refused to meet me at the exchange place. He has refused to pick up the phone or return my calls...for a DAY.

You are giving him power by making it known to him that you hate it.

He was supposed to have them Thursday night, now he he kept them Friday night and as I haven't heard from him, it looks like he plans to keep them Saturday (tonight) as well. I do not want to drive over there with him in this state as he will undoubtedly continue the mockery in front of the kids. Besides the scene-in-front-of-the-kids thing, I have made it clear that I don't want him coming to my house uninvited, and I feel like I would be negating that if I did it myself. I am trying to demonstrate respect and boundaries. Maybe I should just try...I don't know. It could go very badly.

Truthfully, what you are saying is you don't care to see your children if you have to go to his house. If there are court orders you follow them. If there is a meeting spot you should have shown up to it regardless of whether or not you talked to him before. If you did then you go to his house. The fact that you are LEAVING the children there says that you feel it is perfectly fine for the children to be with him MORE time.

I am in the process of trying to get a formal visitation agreement in effect so that if he tries to punish me again via the kids in this particular way, I will have recourse. It will also help with other issues.

Okay.

What can I do about the open mocking, and him coaching them to call me by my first name, even in a derogatory tone? He is passive aggressive, and just says he's kidding--the hallmark of bullying. I feel I can curtail the kids calling me by my name, but without a good reason to, he won't stop the tone and behavior. I don't want the kids to see their mom treated that way. He doesn't do it every time, but he does have a whole arsenal of similar stuff. This is just what he's getting his jollies from at the moment.

IGNORE HIM. If you don't give him the power, he will stop.

He also likes to show up at dd's school (where I teach) wearing nothing but swim trunks, say "Oh Ms. _____!" while loudly walking down the hall way, generally try to attract attention, possibly trying to embarrass me.

Have him escorted from school property due to his disruption of the class day. He has no reason to talk to you at school. So have him removed.

I am so close to feeling defeated by this man. Because everything he does, it's just not quite bad enough to get him consequences. He is the master of passive aggressive behavior and he is seriously messing with me and with our kids' heads. Who knows what he's telling him about why they're not with Mom as planned. Probably telling him that I just decided not to be with them. I know my relationship with them is very very strong, though, and I'm counting on it. I also know that they do not want to take part in mocking me, that they just don't quite understand. They're only 3 and 6, it must be so confusing.

Truthfully you have decided not to go get them. You need to correct your children regarding what they call you. But you also need to not react as strongly to HIM.

 

[killerzoey]

Thanks, Ohiogal...I am sure you are right that I should have tried to get them from him at his house. But based on his frame of mind and past history it really felt at the time like not a good idea. We do not have a visitation order other than considering 50/50 and working out the details with a counselor on island who has not returned calls.

I did show up, and wait, at what has been our exchange place per written agreement, which I know is not the same as court agreement. I asked him to call me when he was ready to have a respectful exchange. He never did. Is it ok for him to keep the kids and refuse to call me back for 24 hours, regardless of lack of agreement? This has been our schedule and routine for two years now.

Regarding ignoring him, believe me, I have. It has been over TWO years since our trial and I have bent over backwards to try to have a friendly co-parenting relationship. People who know my situation can't believe how hard I've tried, say they would have lost it long ago. And I finally realized that it matters not one whit. I thought he would give up, as you say. But I realize that it makes him push harder, since he can get away with more. And despite all my politeness and trying to accommodate him any time I can, he is STILL portraying me as a b*tch to everyone who will listen, still mocking me, still being intentionally difficult, still laughing, still trying to get my goat.

Please believe that I have ignored all I can. And I can take a lot of that behind the scenes, but in front of them, it just feels like after months and months of this, I am teaching them that women just have to be at the mercy of men. I didn't come to this point easily, but instance after instance...it adds up to where it just seems like this just can't be the way it has to be forever. I have to be able to stand up for myself. I feel like they need to see that, even if it nets nothing immediately tangible.

And the being on school property thing, he is on his way off, you know? I can't have him escorted off for just passing through the halls. Everything he does is just this side of getting himself in trouble. Like squeaking under the wire with keeping dd out of school 9 unexcused times to do fun stuff like go putt-putting and mini golfing, and when he finally did the 10th a week or so ago (which would have gotten him a talking to by the principal), they had JUST finished doing attendance meetings. It's uncanny how often this happens for him. Not that the meeting would have mattered. He just does whatever he wants.

I know eventually the kids are supposed to see this, too. It's hard to bear, though.

 

[stealth2]

So, basically, Dad behaves like a 5yo. And you feed into him by playing the teacher to his boy. Seriously - OG's right. Ignore him! And correct your daughters when they call you by your first name, in a snarky way or not. Show them your strength by not allowing them to see him get to you, rather than tiyor weakness by reacting,

And for heaven's sake - go pick them up!

 

[breezymom]

As both posters said: Ignore, ignore, ignore.

The problem will get worse before it gets better, trust me on this one.

Document the behaviors like showing up at your work, in case things end up getting out of hand (i.e. dangerous).

Correct the children and explain to them why "Mom" is simply named Mom, just like their teachers at school are Mr./Mrs. Soandso. Even though they may know first names, it is a matter of respecting their elders.

 

[divona2000]

...He also likes to show up at dd's school (where I teach) wearing nothing but swim trunks, say "Oh Ms. _____!" while loudly walking down the hall way, generally try to attract attention, possibly trying to embarrass me...

...the being on school property thing, he is on his way off, you know? I can't have him escorted off for just passing through the halls...

Really?
Your school allows almost naked men to wander the hallways?
There is no visitor requirement that they must check in at the office, let alone wear proper clothing?

 

[justalayman]

is there even a custody order?

has he been established as the legal father? Are you married? were you married?

 

[killerzoey]

is there even a custody order?

has he been established as the legal father? Are you married? were you married?

Yes. He is the legal father and we were married. And there is a custody agreement (joint with 50% time share alluded to but no visitation agreement spelled out).

Divona2000, yes, our school is not high-security. Officially parents must check in, but it's a fairly open campus. He does this on the mornings when he drops off dd. Makes a scene, puts on a big show in the hall for long enough to make his point: I am annoying and you will never be rid of me. If he loitered, he would be asked to leave. But he seems to have a sense of how hard he can push and push just a tad harder, and retreat.

I have tried the ignoring trick on this issue, and on many, many issues. What does it get me? He continues to do it. He doesn't need me to react to know this is embarrassing and inappropriate.

 

[killerzoey]

So, basically, Dad behaves like a 5yo. And you feed into him by playing the teacher to his boy. Seriously - OG's right. Ignore him! And correct your daughters when they call you by your first name, in a snarky way or not. Show them your strength by not allowing them to see him get to you, rather than tiyor weakness by reacting,

And for heaven's sake - go pick them up!

Yes. You (and OG) are right, in a sense. And I like the simplicity of it. And if I'd ever seen it actually extinguish a behavior, that would be amazing. I'm a teacher and (obviously) a mother and I'm very familiar with the amazing power of the ignoring trick. But he's NOT 5, he knows how he is affecting me with this stuff without me reacting to it. Yes, it escalates when I address it but it will not go away on its own, without it coming to a head.

And what do think of this? When this stuff happened immediately after I left him, my attorney said I must address it and let him know when he is being inappropriate. I disagreed, saying that he will just escalate the behavior. She said that, particularly where it comes to behaviors around the girls, I still need to try for their behalf. Otherwise it appears that I condone the behaviors. And again, some part of me feels like the girls need to see their mom say, "enough!". I am willing to accept that this is wrong thinking, though.

I am legitimately curious. Not trying to be difficult, just really want to understand this.

I did go pick them up yesterday--he finally called me back and agreed to be civil in front of the girls. Trust me, I don't feel good about these events and will not push this far next time.

 

[ecmst12]

Correcting him doesn't stop it, ignoring him doesn't stop it. I'd still go with ignoring it because it makes you the better person.

 

[justalayman]

Yes. He is the legal father and we were married. And there is a custody agreement (joint with 50% time share alluded to but no visitation agreement spelled out).
.

so, since there is no visitation order not even a specified 50% time to each parent, there is really nothing you can do if he refuses to keep the child with him. You need to get into court and get a defined visitation order.

as to the child calling you by your name:

stand up and be a parent. Teach your child that it is disrespectful and not allowed.

 

[killerzoey]

Correcting him doesn't stop it, ignoring him doesn't stop it. I'd still go with ignoring it because it makes you the better person.

That is sound reasoning, and what I've been doing so far. The only down side...the possibility that my kids will think somehow that this is how men treat women and it's ok.

They will probably figure out, though, that this dynamic had something to do with their father and I not being together any more. I need to trust that they have their own brains and other examples to weigh.

I have been blessed with a wonderful man in my life from a solid friendship spanning decades. He is a respectful and kind step dad to them. I thank my lucky stars every day for him and for the fact that they are able to see a great example of people interacting fairly and supporting and respecting each other.

 

[killerzoey]

so, since there is no visitation order not even a specified 50% time to each parent, there is really nothing you can do if he refuses to keep the child with him. You need to get into court and get a defined visitation order.

as to the child calling you by your name:

stand up and be a parent. Teach your child that it is disrespectful and not allowed.

Yes, I agree there is nothing I can do without a solid visitation order. I have been trying to go through the channels indicated in our decree...no phone calls returned. I will have to just go to court, I suppose. I would much rather go through the counselor, though. I heard she is good and can hopefully take into consideration his tendency to not take kids to school when they don't want to go, not medicate our child with asthma, etc. when she recommends a visitation schedule. Hence I am trying to exhaust this option before going straight to court where a very pro-dad judge resides who has given ex anything he has ever asked for.

Regarding the kids, I have stood up and been the parent and of course I teach them that they cannot call me mom, and they stop. They do not cross the line to mocking me themselves. I am old school with this stuff, you don't even kid around like that with an adult. But poor things, when they are with Dad and he's standing there coaxing them...it puts them in a bad situation. They know that they are not supposed to call me that when they're with me, as of course I have had that talk with them before. Now and then they slip after listening to him call me that for a day or so, and apparently asking them to regard me that way. But when I spoke with them they were apologetic and now understand (well, the 6 year old, at least) that they should not have to call me that ever, even when with Dad.