Kind of OT - need advice from the "other women"

[usmcfamily]

Okay - this really isn't a "legal" issue but I need some input from those of you who are 2nd wives/girlfriends/etc to a man with children from a previous relationship and Lord knows we have plenty of those here so I thought this would be a good source.....lol....
My ex will be coming out in July with his new woman (sometimes she is the gf sometimes the fiancee so I don't know what to call her....) to visit our daughter for her birthday. We are all amicable enough that they will be staying with us in our home for the 5 days of their visit.....which is where I run into my problem -- I know from what he and other members of his family have said that she is very shy and VERY nervous about this trip so I was wondering if you might have some input as to what you wish your man's ex had done to put you more at ease w/the situation.....I really want this to be an enjoyable visit for EVERYONE (most especially my daughter) so any thoughts would be most appreciated..........

 

[CMSC]

I just want to say, WOW!! You are an amazing person to be this selfless.

Here is my advice. Treat her like a friend you haven't seen in a long time or a long lost relative. Make her feel important such as, if your daughter wants to do something have her ask ex's "woman" if she would like to help. Do she and your ex plan on hanging around your house the entire 5 days or will they be going out with your daughter? This would be a good idea so his gf isn't too stressed the whole time. One other thing that tends to bring people close together is cooking, whether or not you like it, it always seems to be a really good ice breaker. Invite her into your kitchen to help cook. Has she ever met your daughter? I am assuming since she is nervous that she has never been to your house, so have your daughter show her around and make her feel not so nervous about being there.

 

[usmcfamily]

RyRy's mom~~
I had to laugh when I was reading your post and saw you mentioned cooking -- my ex has actually asked if I could "try to teach her how to cook" while they are here because as much as he loves her he can't STAND her cooking (apparently she could burn water if you gave her half a chance..... ) .....so that is a great suggestion!!!
I am making arrangements for them to be able to use our "extra car" (since DH is gone we aren't using his right now) so that they can do some sightseeing without me and the baby in tow (that would be no fun for them!!) so hopefully they won't feel tied to the house and obligated to stay with me the whole time.....
I just want her to feel welcome.........because she IS

 

[bethdetroit]

Go shoping together or even just window shoping. We all love shoping and it is great when another person (whos not a male) goes along. Or maybe you guys could wake up early and go out for breakfast, leave the men at home with the kids.

 

[haiku]

oh I love all these idea's!

it is so scary meeting the ex or new person, for the first time! I know after 4 years I wish my "wife in law" LOL could just look me in the eye and say HI!

you are putting so much thought into this, I hope you both have a good visit.

 

[sbaldwin]

You are awesome!
Before I was married, I dated another man that had a child. We went to see the child for "my" first time. My bf and I stayed in a hotel, but spent every waking moment with the ex. She and my bf were all touchy feely, which made me VERY uncomfortable! Okay, I ended up leaving this man because I felt he had NO CLUE who he wanted after the ex came to OUR house to drop off the child many times, and he would take her and the child shopping and things like that (without me... on EVERY visit)NO, NO!!
It's good that you will let them have time without you, and the fact that you are inviting them to stay with you should say enough to her about the kind of person you are! She will be able to sense that you want her to be comfortable... What a STRONG person you are!

 

[Alwaysdream6]

EX in my home!!!

Why in the world would you put your-self and new gf in such a place. They couldn't stay at a motel? Have them for party and take them to motel and still let them use car for sight seeing. No way would I want my ex'es mother of his child sleeping in my home or my ex husband either. Did you break up as good friends? Agreed on the whole break up thing? Any way, if they are going to stay in your home I would give them a list of free things they could go see and maybe a list of cheap places to eat with cupons or something. Make a package of stuff and put it in the room they will be sleeping in. Make sure they have their own bathe towels with bubbles or something in a big basket. Most of all DON"T TALK about the things you and your ex did together in past. Talk about your daughter, movies, music, hobbies. I went out to eat with my hubby and his ex and their child after a funeral one time. All she wanted to talk about was stuff THEY did together as a couple and who messed around. GOT the picture? GOOD LUCK and I am glad I am not you!!

 

[kat1963]

More power to ya' Hon! Whew! Hey, you can always give her a few cold beers. hehehehe *THUD* I like the shopping idea. If she's that shy, then this must be killing her!! Goodness knows!
Thanks for being so nice!
KAT

 

[usmcfamily]

Thank you all for the input/advice -- it is MUCH appreciated.

Alwaysdream~~ We are putting ourselves in "such a place" because for us it is what has worked for the last few years and we hope it will continue to work for many more. Because of the distance that has always existed between us (the first 3 years it was 800 miles and now it is 3000) for my daughters entire life the majority of visits have been either her dad coming to visit us in our home or her going over there - and until she was a little over 2 I would go with her to his home - flying out and staying with them and then taking her home with me (they didn't get to see each other more than once ever 3 months or so so he was pretty much a "stranger" to her and it would have been very traumatic to just dump her on his doorstep. We did part amicably - for the most part - and everyone has worked hard to overcome the bumps that did exist between us. I know that this may seem strange to a lot of people but to us this has always worked but there has never been an "other woman" in the picture -- he has had gf's but none serious enough to bring around Katy. We agreed from the beginning that neither of us would involve someone we were dating in her life unless it was a very serious relationship because she attaches to people quickly and we didn't want people bouncing in and out of her life.
Anyway, as I said this is how it has always been for us so it doens' t seem that strange to us -- when DH and I were moving our family out here she went ahead of us and spent two weeks with him and then DH and I spent three days at his house when we stopped on the way across country to pick her up. The three of us have built a good friendship and I was mostly worried about how to make her feel comfortable in becoming a part of that.....I know if I were her I would likley be a little nervous to say the least!
So, they COULD stay in a motel but after paying the airfare out here they are on a pretty tight budget and with security at the gates of the base it would be more hassle than it was worth getting them on and off base to do things here with our daughter (she wants to show them around, etc). But we have all agreed (myself, the ex and his gf) in multiple conversations that this is how we would like to try to make it work so that it can continue to be one big happy "family" for Katy ..........call us crazy.....

 

[usmcfamily]

Okay - I just typed that big long reply and it dawned on me that there was any easier way to answer the "why" of this ......here is my answer...........

http://us.f1.yahoofs.com/users/496a348b/bc/Yahoo!+Photo+Album/katypics.jpg?bcg2hI9AXpMSh3jG

 

[Grandma B]

She's beautiful, usmcfamily, and her happiness is evident from that winning smile.

You and your ex (and your husband ) are to be commended for putting her first and letting her well being and happiness dictate your relationship. Kudos!

Don't worry about working too hard at making her comfortable; with your attitude, it'll go just fine.

 

[usmcfamily]

She's beautiful, usmcfamily, and her happiness is evident from that winning smile

Thank you GrammaB -- I think she is beautiful too but my opinion is obviously biased.....lol.

 

[dottkanga]

usmcfamily

you are great! i wish other ex'es were more into what would make thier children feel better about mom and dad being apart, like you. you will have a very happy well ajusted little girl, for being so selfless. thank you. and good luck. i hope you all have a great time.