Late Night Pick-Ups

[LdiJ]

I guess I will let my husband hear my opinion once, with the advice from everyone here, and then stop at that and let him make his own decision with his ex. It just seemed that I was getting yelled at for even thinking of bringing this subject up with my husband because it's not "my place". Again, thank you.

Actually, it would be even better if you didn't express your opinion at all unless your husband asks you for an opinion.

 

[texastepmom]

Ldij - really? she can't even express her opinion on how a child is raised in her home? So if the neighbor child was over she shouldn't have an opinion if he's misbehaving?

I am a stepmom and a mom. I have a stepchild that lives with us. I do tell my husband my opinion on certain issues... what bedtime and curfew i think is appropriate, etc. I do let him make his parenting choices however. a. Sometimes he takes my advice, sometimes he doesn't. I stay out of it after stating my case unless it directly affects me. For instance, my husband and I were both going to be out of town and my husband wanted to let my 16 yo stepdaughter stay in the home overnight alone. Yes, that is a parenting decision, but this is also my home too, that I pay for half of, and I did not feel comfortable with the situation so I put my foot down on that one. It wasn't a step parent issue, but an adult issue - I pay for half the bills, I am an adult and one of the homeowners, I share in the liability if something were to happen when we were gone, I get some say in what happens in my home if the child is mine or not.

OP - I agree that you need to back off in this case. And I do think you have made your point to him and don't need to bring it up to him again. Believe me, it will save your sanity greatly if you can learn to let the parents make the decisions for your step child. when I learned to back off and let go, it was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

I would not want my daughter woken up in the middle of the night like you describe, I don't think it is healthy or good for anyone to do so. However, it's not abusive by any means. Focus on your child and be the best parent you can be to them. Enjoy your relationship with your step child. Find a step parent support group to help you work through the difficulties of these issues. Don't try to be a mother to your step child, more like a good aunt. Your life will be much easier.

 

[squideast]

I guess I will let my husband hear my opinion once, with the advice from everyone here, and then stop at that and let him make his own decision with his ex. It just seemed that I was getting yelled at for even thinking of bringing this subject up with my husband because it's not "my place". Again, thank you.

Just some friendly advice and experience as a stepmom over here...

My husband's ex is very quick to lean on me for all her 'needs'. She loves how much of my paycheck goes to their child, and loves to treat me like a taxi. She's even thinks 'it would be great' if my stepson can me on my health insurance since she can't 'figure hers out' and my husband's through work is quite expensive for them, even with splitting the cost. But when it comes to anything my stepson tells her I've said that might be construed by her as a negative 'against her' (e.g., if I tell him he can't have Coke to drink with dinner, because it's not healthy, and then once back at her house he tells her "stepmom says that's unhealthy"), she's quick to fire an email to my husband hollering about how I'm 'just' a step-mom, and a 'nobody'. It just comes with the territory with some people.

In 5 years I have had *no* personal communication with the loonie. I wouldn't dare. Heck, it would probably give me an ulcer if I had to.

When I'm not thrilled about how my husband and his ex are handling something, I point out the crazy *to him* only, and move on. A spouse needs support. My husband has it badly enough having to try to reason with her, without the added stress of me on his back, too. He would break from the stress, and our marriage wouldn't survive, if he didn't have a safe place at home to cope.

The *only* time I put my foot down is if something is very adversely affecting me. For example, in your situation with the late-night, I do personally believe it's crazy to wake a kid up in the middle of the night for 'transporting'. When we have friends for dinner at our house, and a kid falls asleep, I always offer to the parents that they leave the child sleeping and come pick them up in the a/m. But that's just me. Anyway, regardless of crazy or not, in your situation, if my husband were asking me to get up and wake stepchild up, etc., for the exchange in the middle of the night, I'd have to say, "Sorry 'bout that - I don't agree with the situation, and if you do, that's fine, but that's for you to deal with."

People may disagree with me, but we've been together 5 years, and went to pre-marital counseling before we got married to solidify our dynamic to ensure a successful marriage and a successful blended family, with a healthy atmosphere for his son. And so far it works very well.

 

[stealth2]

Ldij - really? she can't even express her opinion on how a child is raised in her home?

She has already stated her opinion to both parents. And even her husband has apparently told her to step back.

The *only* time I put my foot down is if something is very adversely affecting me. For example, in your situation with the late-night, I do personally believe it's crazy to wake a kid up in the middle of the night for 'transporting'. When we have friends for dinner at our house, and a kid falls asleep, I always offer to the parents that they leave the child sleeping and come pick them up in the a/m. But that's just me. Anyway, regardless of crazy or not, in your situation, if my husband were asking me to get up and wake stepchild up, etc., for the exchange in the middle of the night, I'd have to say, "Sorry 'bout that - I don't agree with the situation, and if you do, that's fine, but that's for you to deal with."

OP posted that Dad IS the one who deals with those late exchanges. The only time that she had to was when Mom allowed her to exercise Dad's time in his absence. She could have said no.

 

[texastepmom]

She has already stated her opinion to both parents. And even her husband has apparently told her to step back.

Yes, she has stated her opinion. Ldij said she shouldn't have even stated her opinion in the first place... that is what I didn't agree with.

 

[Antigone*]

Ldij - really? she can't even express her opinion on how a child is raised in her home? So if the neighbor child was over she shouldn't have an opinion if he's misbehaving?

I am a stepmom and a mom. I have a stepchild that lives with us. I do tell my husband my opinion on certain issues... what bedtime and curfew i think is appropriate, etc. I do let him make his parenting choices however. a. Sometimes he takes my advice, sometimes he doesn't. I stay out of it after stating my case unless it directly affects me. For instance, my husband and I were both going to be out of town and my husband wanted to let my 16 yo stepdaughter stay in the home overnight alone. Yes, that is a parenting decision, but this is also my home too, that I pay for half of, and I did not feel comfortable with the situation so I put my foot down on that one. It wasn't a step parent issue, but an adult issue - I pay for half the bills, I am an adult and one of the homeowners, I share in the liability if something were to happen when we were gone, I get some say in what happens in my home if the child is mine or not.

OP - I agree that you need to back off in this case. And I do think you have made your point to him and don't need to bring it up to him again. Believe me, it will save your sanity greatly if you can learn to let the parents make the decisions for your step child. when I learned to back off and let go, it was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

I would not want my daughter woken up in the middle of the night like you describe, I don't think it is healthy or good for anyone to do so. However, it's not abusive by any means. Focus on your child and be the best parent you can be to them. Enjoy your relationship with your step child. Find a step parent support group to help you work through the difficulties of these issues. Don't try to be a mother to your step child, more like a good aunt. Your life will be much easier.

How the child is raised is none of her legal business. It is none of your legal business either. If dad and mom are okay with it, then go on your merry way. If dad and mome aren't then you should quickly learn your place. This is not your child and should only involve yourself to the degree that dad and mom allow.

 

[stealth2]

Yes, she has stated her opinion. Ldij said she shouldn't have even stated her opinion in the first place... that is what I didn't agree with.

I think you misinterpreted LDi's response.

 

[texastepmom]

How the child is raised is none of her legal business. It is none of your legal business either. If dad and mom are okay with it, then go on your merry way. If dad and mome aren't then you should quickly learn your place. This is not your child and should only involve yourself to the degree that dad and mom allow.

so if the child is left alone in my home and has a friend over that drowns in our pool, i can just tell her friends parents that i have no legal responsibility and they can't sue me?

I have the legal right to decide who stays in my house at any time.

 

[Zigner]

so if the child is left alone in my home and has a friend over that drowns in our pool, i can just tell her friends parents that i have no legal responsibility and they can't sue me?

I have the legal right to decide who stays in my house at any time.

Are you daft? What does your hypothetical nonsense have to do with THIS thread?

 

[Antigone*]

so if the child is left alone in my home and has a friend over that drowns in our pool, i can just tell her friends parents that i have no legal responsibility and they can't sue me?

I have the legal right to decide who stays in my house at any time.

What a stupid response

 

[squideast]

How the child is raised is none of her legal business. It is none of your legal business either. If dad and mom are okay with it, then go on your merry way. If dad and mome aren't then you should quickly learn your place. This is not your child and should only involve yourself to the degree that dad and mom allow.

I think this is the whole point. Legally, the situation you've described in the orig. post has nothing to do with you.

I offered up some 'emotional' thoughts on the subject earlier, but that's not really what this forum is for. So I think you've probably understood now from the feedback that legally you're an outsider *for the described situation*.

 

[texastepmom]

I think you misinterpreted LDi's response.

she said that OP shouldn't express her opinion unless her husband asked for it. Maybe she just meant for this particular issue, but it sure sounded like a blanket statement meaning she should NEVER express her opinion unless it was asked for. if i misinterpreted, my bad.

 

[Isis1]

so if the child is left alone in my home and has a friend over that drowns in our pool, i can just tell her friends parents that i have no legal responsibility and they can't sue me?

I have the legal right to decide who stays in my house at any time.

your husband, the father, also has a legal right to allow ANYONE into HIS home as well. you don't override him.

 

[Antigone*]

your husband, the father, also has a legal right to allow ANYONE into HIS home as well. you don't override him.

Isis, this overstepper isn't even the OP for this thread, she just up and hijacked the whole thing.

 

[texastepmom]

Are you daft? What does your hypothetical nonsense have to do with THIS thread?

I assumed since she told me that I don't have a legal right to make decisions for my stepdaughter she was referring to the ONE instance that I said i put my foot down over a "parenting decision" - in which case I did not allow my SD to stay in the house alone overnight as I would have also had a liability if something were to have happened. I wasn't referring to the OP since she was speaking directly to me.