I am not a Washington state lawyer but I can tell you that in some states a divorce decree is regarded as terminating certain beneficiary designations (and thus making the coningent beneficiaries the new primary beneficiaries) unless the separation agreement and/or the divorce decree speak to the issue as most people who get divorced do not intend to leave their ex as their beneficiary.
I would suggest that you look at the divoce decree -- often -- and this is a matter of negotiation between divorcing spouses -- they say that the ex must be maintained as beneficiary of certain life insurance policies.
When face with competing claims to the money the life insurance companies usually pay the funds into court in an interpleader action and let the two claimants fight it out. The best bet for you is to speak with a Washington state lawyer who knows both insurace and family law and have the lawyer advise you. If the lawyer thinks you are in the right, he or she can write a letter to the insurance company setting forth the reasoning. Reliastar is regared as a very responsible company and I doubt that they are playing games with you. It may well be that they don't know what to do and do not want to run the risk of paying you and then also having to pay the contingent beneficiaries.
