Exactly how did you "contact" the State of Virginia regarding the death certificate, was it by phone or by mail? If it was by phone, then they are somewhat correct in what they told you, but it would be better if you applied for this by mail (an application is available on the State of Virginia Vital Statistics website). There is a section regarding "OTHER" reasons, where you would write in that you need it to claim an insurance policy benefit left to you by the decedent, and they make allowances for situations like yours, which surely have happened before.
You may also want to talk to a family law attorney to see if their state law permits your attorney to make a request for the death certificate via the family law court, and you might also want to ask the funeral director by mail if he would send you a copy of the death certificate or order one on your behalf.
You may also want to talk to a family law attorney to see if their state law permits your attorney to make a request for the death certificate via the family law court, and you might also want to ask the funeral director by mail if he would send you a copy of the death certificate or order one on your behalf.