maintaining no contact

[Proserpina]

Hi, I am back...

My ex is taking me back to court for more time with the kids and less child support. Our last time was in February of this year. He claims he will be going to school (again), so he won't be able to work as many hours, and therefore won't be able to provide as much support.

Right now, he sees the kids for 5 hours each on weekend days for all but one weekend of the month. He wants to extend these visits to 8.5 hours each. In addition, he wants the kids on their birthdays and also on Holy Days of worship.

Also, he wants joint legal custody (again), claiming that he doesn't know where our older son goes to school, and that I won't tell him (he didn't ask either). However, our son is just continuing school at the SAME place where he attended pre-school. Am I supposed to tell him every year when he is still attending the same place? I have notified father of every school report and medical report thus far. Should I just send him an email now?

Advice?

on a side, a few weeks ago, my older son told me in passing that father "touches [his] pee-pee all the time." (He had just come out of the pool and while I was changing him, I was talking to him about good touches and bad touches (not the first time). I told him only he and doctors are supposed to touch his private areas. I told him not even mommies or daddies should touch his private area because that is his private area. That's when he gave me a quizzical look and responded.) When I asked further, he clamped up and didn't want to say any more. My feeling is he didn't want to get his dad in trouble, so I dropped the subject. I did schedule an appointment with the therapist but he hasn't said much to her either... I just continue to teach him about good touches and bad touches. To be honest, they do seem to have fun with their father (as they should) but I just don't know what to make of this, either...I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill; at the same time, I don't want to just say it is nothing if there might be something. Is there something more I should do?

Er... if he's volunteering that Dad is doing questionable things, you need to act on it in my opinion. If anything that should come before anything else.

 

[nocontact]

Er... if he's volunteering that Dad is doing questionable things, you need to act on it in my opinion. If anything that should come before anything else.

I agree, but afterwards, when asked, he denied it (like I said, he thought he got his dad in trouble). Can I still do anything if he keeps changing his mind? I trust his first reaction because it was innocent and unplanned, but if he denies it (or keeps changing his story) or won't say anything about it any more when asked, I don't know what to do with it...except keep teaching him with hopes that the difference the right and the wrong gets ingrained in him.

I'm not trying to make excuses. I want what is best for him, but I also want to go about all this the "right" way, if there is such a thing. While every fiber of my being wants to protect him at all costs, I have to think of the legal ramifications as well.

 

[Ohiogal]

I agree, but afterwards, when asked, he denied it (like I said, he thought he got his dad in trouble). Can I still do anything if he keeps changing his mind? I trust his first reaction because it was innocent and unplanned, but if he denies it (or keeps changing his story) or won't say anything about it any more when asked, I don't know what to do with it...except keep teaching him with hopes that the difference the right and the wrong gets ingrained in him.

I'm not trying to make excuses. I want what is best for him, but I also want to go about all this the "right" way, if there is such a thing. While every fiber of my being wants to protect him at all costs, I have to think of the legal ramifications as well.

You were changing him? Does he dad ever change him? It could be a simply innocent thing. Do you have to wipe him when you change him (i.e. diapers)?

 

[LdiJ]

You were changing him? Does he dad ever change him? It could be a simply innocent thing. Do you have to wipe him when you change him (i.e. diapers)?

I think that the son in question is long out of diapers.

However, I admit to feeling a bit uneasy about this one. This is the same dad, that last year, peed on his son. It was supposedly an accident, but combined with the latest, it makes me uneasy.

 

[nocontact]

You were changing him? Does he dad ever change him? It could be a simply innocent thing. Do you have to wipe him when you change him (i.e. diapers)?

Yes, OG, I was changing him out of his wet swim clothes. I realize that it could be a simply innocent thing, which is why I didn't go screaming to the authorities right then and there.

I stopped touching his private parts when he was out of diapers and able to wash his own private area with a washcloth, which was over 2 years ago.

We are still going to the therapist to see if there is anything more to this. Again, if it is innocent, of course I don't want to make waves. I'm just doing what I believe any parent should do...looking into it.

 

[nocontact]

I realize that our sons' safety goes above all, and if there really is something not right there, I will proceed. Is there something more I should do besides teaching him and getting therapy?

However, considering father is also taking me to court again, is there any advice regarding that section? Should I write it again?

I appreciate any advice on both matters. Thank you for your time.

 

[Ohiogal]

I realize that our sons' safety goes above all, and if there really is something not right there, I will proceed. Is there something more I should do besides teaching him and getting therapy?

However, considering father is also taking me to court again, is there any advice regarding that section? Should I write it again?

I appreciate any advice on both matters. Thank you for your time.

You might consider approaching dad and letting him know what the child told you -- that will dad will be on notice that you will be watching for any other out of the ordinary behavior.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Good that you made an appt. with the therapist - but remember, it takes time to develop a level of trust. Keep taking the kid. Try very hard not to react much to what he's said, other than reiterating "personal space" and "boundaries" without mentioning/alluding to dad. DO keep an eye out for any strange changes in behavior.

Legally:

Hi, I am back...

My ex is taking me back to court for more time with the kids and less child support. Our last time was in February of this year. He claims he will be going to school (again), so he won't be able to work as many hours, and therefore won't be able to provide as much support.

Counter argument: this is a voluntary reduction of income, and should therefore not qualify as reason for reducing child support.

Right now, he sees the kids for 5 hours each on weekend days for all but one weekend of the month. He wants to extend these visits to 8.5 hours each. In addition, he wants the kids on their birthdays and also on Holy Days of worship.

Does he want the kids for the whole day on every birthday, just a few hours, or what? It is reasonable for a parent to want to see their child on his/her birthday. It is not reasonable to insist that one parent get all birthdays, all day. You could offer that if a birthday falls on a non-visitation day that dad gets a couple of hours with the kid.

Are you currently bringing your children up in any particular religion? Do you regularly go to a house of worship? Are your children in any sort of religious education program? Is Dad's religion the same? Alternating who gets which holiday is somewhat standard, if both share the same holidays. Or splitting the day.

Don't know where to start on his proposal for increased time... Can see extending the visits, but it seems that you'd get all the work of taking care of the kids and none of the fun time.

Also, he wants joint legal custody (again), claiming that he doesn't know where our older son goes to school, and that I won't tell him (he didn't ask either). However, our son is just continuing school at the SAME place where he attended pre-school. Am I supposed to tell him every year when he is still attending the same place? I have notified father of every school report and medical report thus far. Should I just send him an email now?

...

I'd just send him an email. Take a picture of school correspondence if you feel its needed and send as a attachment. Make it as clinical as possible. "Correspondence from ABC School arrived today. Johnny has been assigned to Mrs. Crabapple's class in room 123. School supply list was attached. No bus schedule yet."

Wish you luck. Frankly, I have sent many "updates" to ex using the standard of "what would [my idea of normal] parent" want to know, and most of the time there's no evidence that he read them through. But for the first time, ex actually called immediately about an update this week (it's only been 7 years), so maybe he does.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

This schedule really doesn't allow for you to have down time or family vacation time. See if longer days and maybe getting two weekends a month would work.

Oh that school thing, that is a VOLUNTARY reduction in time. I would be vehement about not getting a decrease because once you are a parent, your priorities change. I could see if a parent needs ONE semester to finish out clinicals or something but this is just a ploy for a reduction in support.

 

[nocontact]

Thank you so much for all the advice! We are moving forward...

 

[nocontact]

Hi, I am back.

Nothing came of CPS (mainly because child refused to talk at all)...but now, ex is saying that I'm lying and planting ideas in the children's minds (I'm not), and telling the court that in doing so, I'm committing child abuse. Ex is also saying that my talks with the kids about child safety, which includes inappropriate touching, is damaging his relationship with the kids. (I have never pointed the finger at him in my talks.) All my discussions are situational. If there happens to be children walking ahead without their parents toward the street, I talk to them about how important it is to stay with the adults because cars cannot always see them because they are so small. When I hear a lot of stories about molesters on the news, I have discussions with them about what is their private area, and what to say if they feel uncomfortable about someone touching them (they aren't seeing these news reports). My point is I don't make it a huge deal, but I do have talks with them. Am I in the wrong here? I thought this is what good parents do...educate and equip their kids so they are able to "defend" themselves to some degree.

I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I feel like I'm d***ed if I do, d***ed if I don't. Our child did actually say those words, and I was torn about making any report because yes, I fear my ex and his "wrath" (both toward our child and me), especially when I don't have concrete evidence. At the same time, if I didn't and something actually had happened, then I would definitely regret not making a report.

He is using this as "proof" now that he should get joint legal custody, as well as more time with the kids. He still has not gotten court-ordered therapy, and says he does not need it, as it is a waste of time and money, which is not acceptable to him because it further delays him spending time with the kids.

Please, any advice would be appreciated.

 

[Proserpina]

Hi, I am back.

Nothing came of CPS (mainly because child refused to talk at all)...but now, ex is saying that I'm lying and planting ideas in the children's minds (I'm not), and telling the court that in doing so, I'm committing child abuse. Ex is also saying that my talks with the kids about child safety, which includes inappropriate touching, is damaging his relationship with the kids. (I have never pointed the finger at him in my talks.) All my discussions are situational. If there happens to be children walking ahead without their parents toward the street, I talk to them about how important it is to stay with the adults because cars cannot always see them because they are so small. When I hear a lot of stories about molesters on the news, I have discussions with them about what is their private area, and what to say if they feel uncomfortable about someone touching them (they aren't seeing these news reports). My point is I don't make it a huge deal, but I do have talks with them. Am I in the wrong here? I thought this is what good parents do...educate and equip their kids so they are able to "defend" themselves to some degree.

I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I feel like I'm d***ed if I do, d***ed if I don't. Our child did actually say those words, and I was torn about making any report because yes, I fear my ex and his "wrath" (both toward our child and me), especially when I don't have concrete evidence. At the same time, if I didn't and something actually had happened, then I would definitely regret not making a report.

He is using this as "proof" now that he should get joint legal custody, as well as more time with the kids. He still has not gotten court-ordered therapy, and says he does not need it, as it is a waste of time and money, which is not acceptable to him because it further delays him spending time with the kids.

Please, any advice would be appreciated.

At this point you can't afford to NOT have an attorney.

 

[nocontact]

At this point you can't afford to NOT have an attorney.

Thank you for responding. I agree...

I just feel very frustrated/worried/scared right now. Am I in the wrong here? Are parents not supposed to talk to their kids about safety issues? If I did something wrong, please enlighten me...

 

[LdiJ]

Thank you for responding. I agree...

I just feel very frustrated/worried/scared right now. Am I in the wrong here? Are parents not supposed to talk to their kids about safety issues? If I did something wrong, please enlighten me...

No, you did not do anything wrong. In fact, I really wonder how your ex is going to argue this in front of the judge without making himself look bad.

However, absolutely get yourself an attorney to defend you on this one.