Military Dad w/Visitation Issues......

[HonuDeila]

What is the name of your state? TN & OK

Before we married, my husband and his ex-wife (both residing in the state of TN) divorced in Jan 2005. They had joint custody of their 4 y/o son, with his primary physical residence with his mother, athough dad had visitation 3 weekends a month, 2 weeks in the summer, odd holidays, etc.

In June 2005, the ex-wife decided to move from TN to OK. We had already made plans to take the boy to GA and WI for a 2 week vacation when she pops up and threatens to NOT let the boy go if my husband didn't sign a piece of paper SHE wrote up stating that he gave her permission to move to OK with their son. I was not there to witness it and, out of fear of not getting those 2 weeks, my husband signed it.

From Nov 2005 to Nov 2006 ny husband was stationed in Iraq. During the last 6 months of his tour he could not contact her or his son b/c both phone #s we had for her were disconnected. Finally, 2 months after he returned home, he got a working phone # and address for her through her parents (she had moved out of her parents house into another city and had all her numbers changed).

In February of 2007 she contacted his commanding officer at work stating he was behind on child support. He had been paying the child support directly from his pay in to her bank account. SHE changed bank accounts and did not inform anyone of it, which caused a serious mess. She threatened and threatened us, although WE couldn't pay the money until her old bank sent it back to US... which took 90 days. We actually ended up taking out a personal loan to pay it. (3 months worth in total)

We now had the child support set up to be paid THROUGH the state of TN.

Fast forward to now. My husband will be leaving to go to Afghanistan in March of 2008. He has contacted his ex about going to OK to visit his son between 12/26 and 12/31. He has not seen his son since 2005.

I have a few questions:

1. Can she keeps my husband from seeing his son during that time? She has stated that he can come to visit, but that she has already made plans during that time for their son and will not change them to suit his visit.

2. She has said the he HAS TO COME THERE to visit... that he is not allowed to bring his son back here. Is that true? The original custody agreement stated that they had to meet halfway for an exchange, not that one had to go the whole way.

3. Does my husband have the right to go to her house to see what kind of living conditions his son is in?

4. Because he signed that piece of paper she wrote up in 2005 giving her permission to take their son out of state, does that nullify the original custody agreement set forth by the state of TN? There was no notarization, just the two of them signing what she wrote.

5. She has threatened to take him to court for Negligence and Abandonment. Can she do this even though he has paid child support (no back support owed) and never more than 1 month late (and only twice then)? She is saying that, because he hasn't SEEN his son for 2 years, she can get full ALL custody.

Any and all help would be appreciated. I am at my wits end with this situation and I just want to see my husband get a chance to spend some time with his son before being shipped overseas for the 3rd time since 2000.

TIA
~Deila

 

[CJane]

Fast forward to now. My husband will be leaving to go to Afghanistan in March of 2008. He has contacted his ex about going to OK to visit his son between 12/26 and 12/31. He has not seen his son since 2005.

Why?

1. Can she keeps my husband from seeing his son during that time? She has stated that he can come to visit, but that she has already made plans during that time for their son and will not change them to suit his visit.

What does the current court order for visitation say regarding visits... particularly holidays?

2. She has said the he HAS TO COME THERE to visit... that he is not allowed to bring his son back here. Is that true? The original custody agreement stated that they had to meet halfway for an exchange, not that one had to go the whole way.

What EXACTLY does it say?

3. Does my husband have the right to go to her house to see what kind of living conditions his son is in?

No. And honestly? If he cared, he would have pursued all of this before now.

4. Because he signed that piece of paper she wrote up in 2005 giving her permission to take their son out of state, does that nullify the original custody agreement set forth by the state of TN? There was no notarization, just the two of them signing what she wrote.

No. But it DOES indicate his agreement to the move. As does his not doing anything about it til 2 years later.

5. She has threatened to take him to court for Negligence and Abandonment. Can she do this even though he has paid child support (no back support owed) and never more than 1 month late (and only twice then)? She is saying that, because he hasn't SEEN his son for 2 years, she can get full ALL custody.

She probably would have a decent shot at sole custody given his lack of interest and deployment status.

 

[Bloopy]

Can she keep my husband from seeing his son during that time? She has stated that he can come to visit, but that she has already made plans during that time for their son and will not change them to suit his visit.

She could be found in contempt of the original. However, he has not exercised his visitation since 2005. A judge might take that into consideration before finding Mom guilty of contempt.

2. She has said the he HAS TO COME THERE to visit... that he is not allowed to bring his son back here. Is that true? The original custody agreement stated that they had to meet halfway for an exchange, not that one had to go the whole way.

Nope. However, giving in to her wishes may be the only way to see the child before deployment.

Does my husband have the right to go to her house to see what kind of living conditions his son is in?

Nope. He doesn’t have a right to be nosey about his Ex. If he was really concerned, why have two years gone by?

Because he signed that piece of paper she wrote up in 2005 giving her permission to take their son out of state, does that nullify the original custody agreement set forth by the state of TN? There was no notarization, just the two of them signing what she wrote.

Legally, the paper he signed is pretty worthless. However it’s been over a YEAR since mom has moved. She has good grounds to modify the 2005 order.

She has threatened to take him to court for Negligence and Abandonment. Can she do this even though he has paid child support (no back support owed) and never more than 1 month late (and only twice then)? She is saying that, because he hasn't SEEN his son for 2 years, she can get full ALL custody.

Visitation is a privilege, not an obligation... But two years?! Being overseas in the military does look better than just not bothering to see the child.

 

[Bloopy]

Really, I need to hit "refresh" if I'm going to multi-task during a response. Sorry CJ

 

[LdiJ]

The reality of things is that he is going to be deployed again in 4 months. If he wants to see his son before he goes, he needs mom's cooperation because he really does not have enough time to get the courts to force her to allow the visit, and absolutely not enough time to resolve the issue before the Christmas Holidays.

Therefore, if mom says that he has to come there to visit, then he is pretty much stuck doing that.

However, this time, when he gets back from deployment, he needs to be prepared to immediately take mom back to court to establish an enforceable long distance parenting schedule.

 

[CJane]

However, this time, when he gets back from deployment, he needs to be prepared to immediately take mom back to court to establish an enforceable long distance parenting schedule.

And, given the age of the child, (7) and the fact that by the time he returns he will have missed more than 1/2 of the child's life, he needs to be prepared to be reintroduced over a period of time in MOM's area and at HIS expense.

 

[HonuDeila]

He has not seen his son due to DEPLOYMENT from Nov 2005 to Nov 2006, REQUIRED ATTENDANCE at military schools (JRTC twice and BNCOC, each one between 1 months and 3 months long) between Dec 2006 and now and packing up for a NEW DEPLOYMENT from NOW until March 2008.

Being an active duty military person, he cannot just drop everything to drive 10-12 hours to go see his son. He is a VERY good father and I don't appreciate the insensitivity being shown by some of you posters to someone whose job it is to defend everyone's freedom.

If you had read correctly, you would have seen that is it the mother who is making it the MOST difficult for him to see the child. I don't think pulling a disappearing act with their son for over 6 months while he is in a different country really helps to nominate her for Mother of the Year.

Although we have plans in motion to have the custody agreement redone when he returns from Afghanistan, I just want to see what kind of legs he has to stand on to be able to see his son NOW.

TIA
~Deila

 

[Bloopy]

Are you reading what we wrote or just upset that you didn’t hear what you wanted?

And, given the age of the child, (7) and the fact that by the time he returns he will have missed more than 1/2 of the child's life, he needs to be prepared to be reintroduced over a period of time in MOM's area and at HIS expense.

Being overseas in the military does look better than just not bothering to see the child.

The child hasn’t seen Daddy in years. No matter how noble the reason, it would be scary to the CHILD to be shipped off to Dad’s suddenly. No one is saying he shouldn’t get to see the child, just that things take time.

LdiJ said it succinctly and sympathetically

The reality of things is that he is going to be deployed again in 4 months. If he wants to see his son before he goes, he needs mom's cooperation because he really does not have enough time to get the courts to force her to allow the visit, and absolutely not enough time to resolve the issue before the Christmas Holidays.

She also gave you an action plan for Dad upon his return.

 

[CJane]

He has not seen his son due to DEPLOYMENT from Nov 2005 to Nov 2006, REQUIRED ATTENDANCE at military schools (JRTC twice and BNCOC, each one between 1 months and 3 months long) between Dec 2006 and now and packing up for a NEW DEPLOYMENT from NOW until March 2008.

Uh huh.

So he was gone from Nov 05 to Nov 06. She moved around May of 06.

He returned from deployment in Nov 06 and it's now Nov 07. He was at 4 months worth of mandatory school. Which leaves 8 months he could have been doing something about seeing his child.

Being an active duty military person, he cannot just drop everything to drive 10-12 hours to go see his son. He is a VERY good father and I don't appreciate the insensitivity being shown by some of you posters to someone whose job it is to defend everyone's freedom.

Perhaps he couldn't just drop everything and drive there... but he certainly could have filed in court to enforce visitation. And he didn't which smacks of disinterest to ME and to the court.

If you had read correctly, you would have seen that is it the mother who is making it the MOST difficult for him to see the child. I don't think pulling a disappearing act with their son for over 6 months while he is in a different country really helps to nominate her for Mother of the Year.

I don't think anyone suggested that it did. But funny thing about family courts... they're going to look at what DAD has done to try to see his kid when DAD is the one complaining about interference.

 

[HonuDeila]

Are you reading what we wrote or just upset that you didn’t hear what you wanted?

I most definitely read what was written. And it points to getting answers from people who are obtuse to how the way military life is.

The child hasn’t seen Daddy in years. No matter how noble the reason, it would be scary to the CHILD to be shipped off to Dad’s suddenly. No one is saying he shouldn’t get to see the child, just that things take time.

There were never objections to going there to see his son.... and how the courts would act towards him being away in Iraq and yet accuse him of being indifferent while she can traipse off and disappear... yet the courts would find favour on her... that smacks of a little untruth there... and puts the courts back into the stone age.

 

[Bloopy]

What answer are you looking for? We gave you what is realistic.

 

[Bloopy]

There were never objections to going there to see his son.

Super. I hope they enjoy their time together.

 

[HonuDeila]

Uh huh.

So he was gone from Nov 05 to Nov 06. She moved around May of 06.

No. She left in July of 05.

He returned from deployment in Nov 06 and it's now Nov 07. He was at 4 months worth of mandatory school. Which leaves 8 months he could have been doing something about seeing his child.

He was at school for 7 months. Not to include the at Ft. training

Perhaps he couldn't just drop everything and drive there... but he certainly could have filed in court to enforce visitation. And he didn't which smacks of disinterest to ME and to the court.

Kind of hard to file paperwork with the court when a. there hasn't been a stable amount of time to attend and b. it hasn't been established in which state we would have to file (been told each one)

I don't think anyone suggested that it did. But funny thing about family courts... they're going to look at what DAD has done to try to see his kid when DAD is the one complaining about interference.

I didn't mean to come across as hostile or witchy in any way. I just get very defensive when it comes to my husband since *I* personally haven't seen very much of him and I know he is going through a terrible time not being able to talk to (on the phone) with his son and, now, her ONCE AGAIN holding their son *hostage*.

Chalk it up to a woman trying very hard to protect someone she loves.

~D

 

[Bloopy]

I just get very defensive when it comes to my husband since *I* personally haven't seen very much of him and I know he is going through a terrible time not being able to talk to (on the phone) with his son and, now, her ONCE AGAIN holding their son *hostage*.

Honestly, I “get” it. Yes there was time for Dad to file things but it takes a lot of efficiency.

Chalk it up to a woman trying very hard to protect someone she loves.~D[/B]

Believe it or not, so is Mom

 

[my life is mine]

Ok, giving it to you straight, from someone who know the military.

Since he has been back since Nov 2006 and now it is Dec 2007, even with schools, he has had long weekends, long holidays with stand down periods, he was most assuredly given leave after he came back from last tour, and may have even been given some leave before or after schools, and will most likely have leave previous to this tour. So please do not tell me, that he did not have time to make arrangements to see his child that lives 10-12 hours away.

Things he should have done:

Contacted an Attorney and seen what his rights were

Tried to arrange some type of visitation

Have CS either in allotment form or garnish form from pay (if not redone from before)

Now what may happen because your husband did not do any of those things is this:

He may get unsupervised visitation in child's hometown (where child resides next)

He may even have to face an increase of CS, as military has had 3 pay increases in the last 2 years

He may get a decent long distance parenting plan that is done with a step up of visits (which will be difficult as he is deploying again)

Suggestions:

Husband needs to work with Mom and get all the time he can with child before he deploys, including when husband has leave, and any holidays (long weekends) he has coming up before March.

Husband should not bring you to visits, especially if child has not ever met you.