Military Dad w/Visitation Issues......

[my life is mine]

If Mother did not change custody order to her newere State then it is still to be heard in State that it orginated in.

 

[HonuDeila]

Thank you.

All read. All noted.

~D

 

[Bloopy]

I’ll get flamed for this but Dad fall into 1 of 2 categories.

1) He’s not “smart” enough to take legal action and to assert his parental rights.
2) He was too lazy or disinterested to do anything.

I respectfully choose place him in the first category. In either case , he needs a lawyer.

 

[my life is mine]

He’s not “smart” enough to take legal action and to assert his parental rights.

Bloopy I find that most likely he is unschooled on things such as this, run into it daily

 

[>Charlotte<]

Understandably, the unvarnished truth is sometimes hard to accept, but get rid of the chip on your shoulder and listen if you want to help your husband.

There are obviously things in his favor that will help deflect any accusation of simple abandonment. But if that's the mother's strategy you can bet her attorney is going to push that as hard as he can, and the reality is that your husband really has no good reason for not seeing his son at all for so long. It won't be impossible to defend, but he should be prepared for that.

And please don't tell me I'm obtuse to military life. With my father, my husband, and my son, I've been living it for many years.

 

[LdiJ]

Thank you.

All read. All noted.

~D

I would also like to add that no one here is unsympathetic regarding your husband's situation. However this is legal forum, not an emotional support forum and we would be doing your husband a disservice if we did not tell the realistic truth.

The honest truth is that military parents who are deployable have to work extra hard to be part of their children's lives. It has to be their number one priority after their commitment to the military. Unless they have an extremely positive co-parenting relationship with the other parent, they have to work really hard.

Its also true that what is best for the child has to come first. Sadly circumstances (and honestly, a bit of poor prioritizing on the part of your husband) has made him a virtual stranger to his child at this point. The child is 7, and has not seen his father since he was 4 or 5. Its honestly not only possible, but probable, that dad visiting in the child's community until a bond is re-established will produce much more positive and healthy long term results, than anything else.

If the child were older, my advice would be different....and so would a judge's reactions to the situation.

 

[HonuDeila]

I’ll get flamed for this but Dad fall into 1 of 2 categories.

1) He’s not “smart” enough to take legal action and to assert his parental rights.
2) He was too lazy or disinterested to do anything.

I respectfully choose place him in the first category. In either case , he needs a lawyer.

I would have to say that the first catagory is the wisest choice.

Add to that a LOT of fear that, if he 'rocks the boat', she will, once again, pop smoke with their son and, next time, he won't be able to find her.

The military doesn't help at all. There is no emergency 'go see your family' options.... more like a 'make it go away' attitude. Mostly, they don't wish to hear about your personal life.

There is no chip on my shoulder. I justifiably became defensive when someone accused my husband, without evening knowing him, of being an uncaring parent because we don't have unlimited time, and thousands upon thousands of $$$$ to go fight, in two separate state's courts. There IS a LOT of caring there.... just a feeling of helplessness and, almost, a resignation of the inability to DO anything.

~D

 

[>Charlotte<]

I understand about the money it takes to fight a court battle, and I don't even want to think about how hard it must be to deal with different jurisdictions and venues. My comment was more to the point that he really needs to try to see his son whenever he possibly can. That effort, combined with the legal and natural reality that he is the father (and, therefore, has rights) will go a long way in his favor.

 

[LdiJ]

I would have to say that the first catagory is the wisest choice.

Add to that a LOT of fear that, if he 'rocks the boat', she will, once again, pop smoke with their son and, next time, he won't be able to find her.

The military doesn't help at all. There is no emergency 'go see your family' options.... more like a 'make it go away' attitude. Mostly, they don't wish to hear about your personal life.

There is no chip on my shoulder. I justifiably became defensive when someone accused my husband, without evening knowing him, of being an uncaring parent because we don't have unlimited time, and thousands upon thousands of $$$$ to go fight, in two separate state's courts. There IS a LOT of caring there.... just a feeling of helplessness and, almost, a resignation of the inability to DO anything.
~D

That's understandable...it truly is...particularly if finances are tight. However, a truly committed parent (and the spouse of a truly committed parent) honestly does put everything regarding the children first.

Its not easy because frequently what is best regarding the other children is not what is best regarding your existing nuclear family. If you are dealing with a non cooperative other parent then its even more difficult.

However, unless the non custodial parent is doing everything possible to exercise their rights, they cannot expect the courts to give them what they want when they want it.

In this instance your husband really has no choice but to deal with what mom is willing to give. When he gets back from this deployment he can start things over.

 

[JacobJoel]

My Husband is prior military....

and his exwife used it against him, successfully, when it came to his kids.

we are in process of trying to undue things, but i can promise you, he was so raped in the process that he has a PRONOUNCED 'don't rock the boat' response. it is not uncommon w/men and TOTALLY not uncommon w/military men, especially.

please take what has been posted here to heart. it IS what you will face in courts. to be successful you MUST be prepared and hardened for the worst.

that's the bad news.

the good news is that if you can learn to be objective and just take what seems like the hard punches HERE you will be the ultimate in preparing your husband for the real life drama that is about to take place.

no one on here wants your husband to lose contact with his baby. we all want him to win.

my husband worked JRTC for four years (he was the Special Ops Forces Live fire OC, etc.) and attended BNCOC. he will attest to the fact that your husband probably had scarce time and even less knowlege, to do what needed to be done legally on this issue.

A lot can be accomplished for him via you as the fact finder. he's got enough going on and men tend to shut down when they are overwhelmed. Military men seem to get overwhelmed easily concerning their children. because the DO love them.

 

[my life is mine]

I would highly suggest he be pro active, he can access legal information via the net, he can talk and ask questions to JAG, and attorneys who will do either free or small amount consults.

We are not here to discourage him, but we would like him to see the reality of what could happen with his situation.

Yes, there are alot, more than you can possibly imagine, of military members who get shafted because they are military, but then there are the small amount that the Judge will look kindly on, that number is increasing as I see and deal with.

Let him get his P's and Q's in a row, dig out his court order, check the laws of State it is written, dig for more information, talk to people in the law profession. Be his helper, don't ever go near the front line with the Ex, let him handle all communication with her. Be his support just as your are when you are home and he is deployed.

 

[Grayson]

Since he has been back since Nov 2007 and now it is Dec 2008,

Holy Cracker Jack, its 2008 now? Where have I been..I must have slept for a year.

 

[happybug]

" Since he has been back since Nov 2007 and now it is Dec 2008 "

I seem to have lost a year too. According to my calendar, it will not be 2008 until next month. It will be a year until December 2008 rolls around.

 

[my life is mine]

I have corrected it

 

[HonuDeila]

Thanks for ALL the responses. Every single one, although some were quite harsh, were read and taken to heart.

Trust me, *I* do not deal with the ex in any way, shape or form. I understand, at this point, it is a power struggle. All I am doing is trying to supply my husband with the ammunition he needs (information, laws, etc) so that he can be armed properly.

We already have retained a lawyer in each state so that, while he is in Afghanistan, the ball can begin rolling with a new child custody hearing. it is RIGHT NOW that we were worried about because, if my husband shows ANY kind of strength against her, she won't let him see their son.... so it is a 'soothe the savage beast' attitude all the time.

Thanks, again, for taking the time to respond...

~D