No. If it were you would it be insulting, that's what someone told me after I read it to them and that it sounded like bribery. But I'm wondering if it is a valid point to bring up in mediation against him having 50/50.
Its extremely insulting that you want to minimize his role in his son's life and delegate what time he gets to the minimum. Why don't you take the minimum and allow him the time you would prefer. But let's break it down for you, okay:
As you will see, this letter is very different from all those we’ve been exchanging lately, and it’s because it’s coming from a very different place. As I’m sure is true for you as well, these custody issues have been on my mind all the time, and this afternoon a solution came to mind that seemed like a peaceful alternative to the back and forth, one that might work for both of us and for _____(son). It is with that peaceful prospect in mind that I’m sitting down to write this.
You say but you don't mean it because of what comes later. The solution benefits ONLY you.
This letter is meant for you alone, because it is my hope that, as ___’s father, you will be able to contemplate my proposal with whatever time and space you need to do so, and have the chance to truly and honestly consider whether what I’m suggesting will work better for you in the long run, with all things considered.
In other words, don't share this with anyone and don't discuss it with anyone.
One thing I haven’t been able to make sense of in my mind is how schooling will work with ___, given that we live so far away from each other. You have said in the past that you would move this way, but I’m not sure if that is really something that appeals to you—I know you’ve always loved _______(city) and I’m sure you’re happy to be back there. At this point I’m really eager to discuss enrolling him in preschool with you (as you well know he is incredibly intelligent and hungry to learn more), but there is no preschool that would take him only every other week or for the days that either of us have him.
And why can't he be enrolled in preschool equidistant from your homes so you both could take him to preschool when you have him?
There are so many other things about the idea of 50/50 custody that are problematic, given our distance. What if ____ wants to be enrolled in sports, which typically have two practices and a game every week? Or if he wants to study martial arts or take break dancing classes (a viable possibility. I’m sure you’ve seen how he gets down to Michael Jackson). How will either of us be able to transport him to all these places while working and living so far apart?
If you want to do so then you work it out. Easy peasy. If you don't want to deal with it then you don't.
Work is an issue too. I’m transferring to a branch in _______ as of January 23rd, and before I could even think of doing so I had to make sure they’d be willing to give me every other Monday off early to take ____, which they agreed to.
And where is that branch at? Why does THAT matter to him? Why is YOUR work schedule HIS problem?
The idea of finding another company to work for that would honor that plus any additional requests that would be needed if we change the custody orders is hard to imagine. I’m sure you have run into similar difficulties in navigating your own employment choices. And I’ve wondered if you would also like the freedom of being able to choose the right employment, if all the driving weren’t an issue.
Or better yet, just take whatever job you wish and forget you have a child -- that is what this sounds like.
Similarly, I know both of our living situations are at least partially determined by the childcare we need when we are at work. I’m sure that living with _____ has worked out well for you up to this point, but I imagine the fact that she provides childcare for _____ when you are unable to limits your future living options (if you’d considered changing them) in a way that is less-than-ideal. I may also be able to move out of my parents’ house sooner and not need my Mom for childcare as much if my schedule with _____ were consistent such that preschool options were available to him.
His living arrangement and what he plans in the future without you IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. If child care changes then it changes.
This is what I’m getting at:
I propose that we keep the holiday schedule in place, and that you get ____ every other weekend and overnights every other Wednesday (or some variation of that, for example if you wanted to take him for the afternoons and for dinner Wednesdays—I just mean to emphasize that you would be able to see him during the off week). In exchange for your agreement to this proposal, I would agree to a reduced amount of child support (give me a number; I’m sure we can work it out).
Or why don't you give custody to dad and pay him child support? Not that your offer is binding at all for any length of time because you can modify child support any time in the future.
You could call him as often as you like and we could agree together on any additional days or vacations you wanted to take him on, for special events, or even if you’re just in the area and want to take him somewhere for a few hours on any given day.
Which translates into: If I decide to allow you to take him on MY TIME then you can do so but I don't have to tell you that and if you make me mad, I can and will say no.
I imagine that, if the guidelines weren’t so strict, we would both relax into the shared custody. I know I would.
Because you would be in the power position.
Again, I’m asking that you really give this some thought. I imagine the child support has been a burden for you as it is for every man who has to pay it.
Women can pay it as well.
At the same time, I’m sure the thought of paying it affects the employment choices you make. That would not be an issue as I would not seek support based on your income. My primary concern is that ___ be given the most consistent upbringing possible, in the care of two parents who are equally stress-free and comfortable with the arrangements.
Then agree to a 50/50 timeshare with NO child support being exchanged at all.
Under this proposal you could work or live wherever you wanted because you wouldn’t have a rigid schedule dictated by custody orders. I would take care of all _____’s schooling needs, homework and whatnot.
And make all the decisions regarding the child.
You could of course volunteer at his school or with his sports or in any way you wanted to be involved, but you wouldn’t have to do all the driving we’re currently doing or have to leave work early to get him from school or get him to a soccer practice. You could be involved when and where it works with your schedule.
And the less involvement the better.
I know this letter must come as a surprise, given what’s been going on lately. I think we have both dug in our heels, not wanting to lose in some way. I may be way off-base here, but this really does seem like a win-win to me.
To you and for you.
It’s the only thought that has given me any sense of peace for both of us in all the months I’ve thought about it. Perhaps you would have agreed to something along these lines long ago, but I didn’t feel able to communicate with you directly about it until now.
Or maybe dad wants a 50/50 timeshare.
I continue to have concerns about _____’s recent behavior, which was mentioned in our Motion. It is my hope that if _______ experiences less of the confusing and stressful back and forth between households, and if the time spent with you is—even though less in quantity—better in terms of quality, he will adjust. In either case, I would like to have him seen by a psychologist to see if his behavior can be explained and how to assure he is free from negative psychological effects in the future.
How about the child spend more QUALITY time with you and less quantity time with you? That could work as well, right?
If you agreed to this proposal we could cancel mediation and the hearing, still attend co-parenting counseling if you’re interested (though I wouldn’t push to have ____ there since I don’t imagine _____ would spend much time under her care), and still mark the orders as temporary, in case circumstances changed and you wanted to file a motion to change the orders in the future.
Thus bringing up someone that is of no business of yours and taking a dig at the person who he lives with since YOU kicked him out.
Please give it some thought and let me know. If you would agree to something along these lines but have some other suggestions, let’s discuss them. I would never let the question of child support be the determining factor if the schedule I’m proposing works better for both of us and for ____, as I’m thinking it would.
Then give him the time you are suggesting for yourself with the perks and responsibilities you are suggesting for yourself AND offer him a reasonable sum of child support.
