more overnight visitation

[momofrose]

I am the non-custodial mom of a beautiful 4 1/2 year olf daughter. It was not found that I was unfit...this was a much deeper matter. We both had to go to an "expert" who deemed us both good parents, but since I was changing jobs, moving in with my now husband and other factors, they deemed his environment more stable.
I walked away with every other weekend from Friday to Monday morning, Tues and Thursday 7-9:00pm, alternating holidays and two weeks vacation.
We have been divorced two years and many things in the court order are now antequated and do not apply, ie she will be starting kindergarten in Sept. yet the orders are with regard to day care..and much more.
I have had a schedule whereby I am home every other Friday yet he will not let me have my daughter, he let's his parents take care of her, even though I am home. (he refers to the court orders)..his parents always care for my daughter when I can but he chooses them. Mosty recently, I called to speak to her (as I do every night) and his soon to be new wife answered. Seems he went skiing for the weekend and my daughter was spending the night with his new wife. He never gave me the opportunity to care for my daughter...don't I come first?
I've heard of something called "right of first refusal". Does that have to be stated in the orders or is it understood?
I am filing for modification of custody in the summer and was wondering what a reasonable increase in time is? Can I ask for more vacation time in the summer? (4 weeks?) Can I ask for a Wed and Thursday over night on the weeks I don't have her for the weekend?
It was a messy divorce but it was two years ago. I am now re-married, he is gettin re-married..but he still holds to the orders from two years ago...what can I do and what, reasonably, will I attain?

Thanks so much for helping to rightfully get a mother and daughter together!!

 

[momofrose]

Sorry - I live in New Jersey

 

[Brookeohio]

You have more visitation than most NCP's! My ex gets every other weekend from fri-sun and 5 week summer and alternating holiday. Nothing more nothing less. The CP does not have to give you first choice on watching this child. They are the CP. I know it may not seem fair, it isnt!
But the CP can do whatever he wants to do unless it is your visitation period. You could try and go for full custody or more of a 50-50 such as alternating weeks. But to modify the order will almost put you at 50-50. Like I said, you get alot more than most CP! Try mediation with the ex, maybe between the two of you you could at least get the day care stipulations changed to school hours stipulations. But the time you get with the child-just be thankful you have what you have because you have more than most!!!

 

[momofrose]

Thank you for your input. From what I understood my schedule (every other weekend, a couple of hours during the week, alternating holidays and two weeks vacation) is standard. I'm not sure I get more than most, but even if I did I think the court order should state that if the CP is not able to care for the child the NCP gets first priority. My last lawyer hurt my case so much, I didn't even know what I was agreeing to at the time. So much was excluded from the custody agreement!
So, I think what I will do is file for keeping the time I have, adding two more weeks for summer vacation and two overnights during the school week for the weeks I do not have her for the weekend. That's not really a 50/50 but it's more than we have now. Do I stand a chance? What would I have to prove?
I would love to try and work this out with my ex..but believe me it's impossible. He is a puppet of his father who makes all the decisions and hates me with a passion (I have documented evidence of badly speaking of me in front of my daughter). I don't want to go to court, as I am sure it will again be bloody...but I have no choice if my daugher and I want more time.
One other thing...when I petition the court for more time..will they send us to another "expert"? Or can they make a decision based on evidence submitted. Not a change of custody...just more time.
Thanks again

 

[Brookeohio]

That is border line shared parenting-a heck of alot more than just visitation. You may as well go for shared parenting, it is becoming popular. You will have to have a change of circumstance or a big good reason why you fell more time would be beneficial for your child. Not you. That is what the court cares about. You could take in medical proof you are having a nervous breakdown due to lack of time with your child and the court wont care. Now, you show the court the child needs more time with you...different story. The CHILD is who you need to prove needs the extra time.

 

[momofrose]

I, unfortunately, realize how unfair the courts can be (as I am sure a lot of people are). I have been documenting various things over the last two years. I don't know if a court will take what a 4 1/2 year old says into account. (mom I don't want to leave, mom I want to stay with you etc.)
My change in circumstances are for the better for me (not for the worse for him). They are newly married (she LOVES her step-dad), we're buying a beautiful big new home and will close in about 3 months, we are expecting a child and my life is much more stable. Also, I am able to work from home a couple of days a week and make a very good salary. Can these things help in attaining shared custody? I'm deathly afraid of going to trial. I couldn't handle one, I know I can't handle two!

 

[Brookeohio]

Things may be going better for you. The court will be happy about that...but it still dosent give a reason why the child would benefit from spending more time with you. Its about her needing the extra time. That is all you have to prove. Like I said before..you do have more than most NCP's, be happy with what you have. You sure can try for more but dont get too stressed over it, you already have more than most. You should have more summertime visitation though, I will agree with you there. Try five weeks, that is standard in most states from what I have seen.
But remember its about proving to the court why the child will benefit from the more time.
If the reason you dont have custody in the first place is b.c you werent unfit then dont go in trying to prove you are fit. They obviously know that or you wouldnt have any visitation.

 

[momofrose]

I again thank you for listening and for your advice. I guess if we go in asking for more than we expect, then anything we get will be a plus. What's weird is that he has two weeks vacation as well...and she lives with him 70% of the time. Like I said, terrible lawyer...and I trusted her.

I will continue keeping a diary and will bring all of this to a lawyer in a few months.

I'm hoping that the court will see that my daughter needs to spend more time with her mom (flexible work schedule) and with her new brother or sister.

One other note...we were both ordered to seek therapy and I am the only one that has done so. He has not. He was supposed to so that he got past the "negative feelings he holds towards his wife". He has not done so, and I believe that (plus his fathers input) is the reason why there are always battles in my trying to obtain "extra" overnights with my daughter.

If there is any other advice you and or anyone else can lend in order to help my daughter and I would be very appreciative

Is there a "right of first refusal" in New Jersey?

 

[LadyBlu]

I again thank you for listening and for your advice. I guess if we go in asking for more than we expect, then anything we get will be a plus. What's weird is that he has two weeks vacation as well...and she lives with him 70% of the time. Like I said, terrible lawyer...and I trusted her.

I will continue keeping a diary and will bring all of this to a lawyer in a few months.

I'm hoping that the court will see that my daughter needs to spend more time with her mom (flexible work schedule) and with her new brother or sister.

One other note...we were both ordered to seek therapy and I am the only one that has done so. He has not. He was supposed to so that he got past the "negative feelings he holds towards his wife". He has not done so, and I believe that (plus his fathers input) is the reason why there are always battles in my trying to obtain "extra" overnights with my daughter.

If there is any other advice you and or anyone else can lend in order to help my daughter and I would be very appreciative

Is there a "right of first refusal" in New Jersey?

If the reason he was awarded custody was because of your change of circumstances i.e. moving, getting married. He is now doing the same by getting remarried so that in itself is grounds for modifying custody. If I were you, if you have kept a journal of all the times you could have had taken care of the child and he has refused and instead sent child to grandparents or had g/f taking care of her, hire an attorney and ask for custody.

 

[momofrose]

Thank you Lady Blu for your assistance. I have been keeping a journal of most of the goings on over the last two years. There are so many things I could get into, but I won't bore the board with all of it.
If I go for custody...would there then be a trial? The last time, I was dragged through the mud so badly, I stillhave surface wounds.
His father is obssessed with our child. (she's 4 1/2 years old and he still calls her "baby"). I am always the third caretaker after him and his parents.
The court order called for the parents to review the child's schooling and increase the days of schooling. She only goes to day care three days a week. When I asked himin September when she was going to start 4 days (the other days she is with his parents), he said he wanted to wait alittle bit...well thaty waiting now means until September...kindergarten. Until that time, I have to see her go to pre-school on three days a week and spend two days a week with his parents. They see her more than I do!! His fatehr recently sent a disparraging email to my sisters to try and bad mouth me once again. My mother and sister asked him to stop, but he is intent on ruining an re-built life I may have. The father knows about all of these incidents but does nothing about them, but I'm just scared to death of a trial!!