My parents won't leave me alone!

[momofcch]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Pennsylvania
I have been being harassed by my parents ever since becoming an adult. I can tell they have mental health issues. I say that simply because if you were to run in to my parents on the street and talk to them for a few minutes you'd think they were perfectly normal, nice people....and to many other people they are. I have experienced a much different side of them and it has escalated to where I am today. Please refer to the 2nd post I created on this topic to answer reader questions for more info on this.


In September of 2006 my eldest son started showing signs of psychological problems and it escalated to the point that his doctor removed him from school and requested that his school find him an in home tutor. While working with professionals to try to diagnose my son and determine the cause (if there even was a cause as some psychological disorders can be congenital or arise for reasons unknown) my son admitted to me and soon thereafter his doctor, that his father had sexually molested him several years prior. At that time his father had been estranged from him for about 18 months because he was incarcerated for the 5th time. I spoke indepth with his physician after my son told us what had happened to him and we both decided I needed to call the Office of Children and Youth in my state which I did in early November 2006. An intake specialist came to my house about 15 minutes after my initial call and she seemed very concerned telling my son and I that they would help us with this.



My parents found out I had called OCY and they started calling them telling them a numerous lies such as I was doing drugs, I was stealing my kids prescription meds for my own use, I beat them,etc. My parents also contacted my ex and his relatives and filled their heads with lies and encouraged them to call OCY on me which they gladly did because they were mad at me for calling OCY and reporting what my son had said his dad had done.It culminated in a court hearing during which the OCY caseworker (the 3rd I had in as many months who never talked to me before the trial) suddenly changed the request from wanting te kids to stay home while they provided me services to they wanted the kids removed from their home and my care. I was shocked because up until the day of the hearing I had been told half a dozen times by OCY that they were absolutely not seeking to remove my kids and that I'd be the first to know should that change. It felt like a complete set up.



My lawyer was unprepared (he eneded up taking off work for 6 months a week after my hearing for his own alcohol problem) the court room was full of my ex's family, my ex (who had recently been released from jail),my parents and relatives from my family that I had not had any contact with for 5-7 years, and I couldn't prove that what I was saying was the truth with all those people there to say I wasn't. OCY had my and my childrens' physician brought to court ...I guess thinking she would help prove their case ...but she testified based on the truth much of which she had documented in our medical records. Regardless my children were removed from my care immediately following the hearing. I wasn't permitted to talk to them or even say goodbye because as the judge put it " it's best to do this quickly and get it over with....like removing a bandaid". I was sickened. Later I found out that a sheriff went back to get my eldest son and told him that he could either come quietly and do this the easy way or he would put him in handcuffs...he was only 12 years old!


My youngest daughter was given to my parents for them to care for and she's now home. I have proven over the course of a year through various things I had to do ie twice weekly drug tests for 10 months, psych exams, parenting classes, etc. that I had been telling the truth all along and that my parents had made it all up and now OCY says they never wouldve taken the kids had they known then what they know now (please see my 2nd posting below for further explanation) and they agree my parents have issues... including symptoms ofmunchhausen byproxy disorder.



Since my daughters return I have sent a letter to my parents permitting them to call my daughter whenever they like and saying I'd gladly meet them somewhere in public so they could spend time with her.They never did and 3 months later I got a court letter saying they were sueing me for partial custody of my daughter. At the conciliation conference I again offered them supervised visits with my daughter.at my younger sisters house where I thought they might feel more comfortable and they agreed that day.I spent the week preparing my daughter for this who didn't handle it well even having a panic attack...her first ever...which was so bad I had to rush her to the hospital.The Friday evening before the Saturday visit I got a call from my mom who said they changed their minds,they didn't feel they need supervision, and there would be no visit which has thrown my daughter in to another emotional turmoil. Now I find out they are taking this to court. They haven't even called her ! My daughter might not have had the greatest experience while living with my parents but she had been with them for a year and a bond was formed. Not only that but she can only visit with her Aunts and Uncle (my 2 sisters and brother) and her 6 cousins through my parents because my parents have ruined the relationship I had with them in this process and they will have nothing to do with me. ( I used to be very close with my younger sister. I even delivered her 2nd child when her doctor couldn't make it to the hospital on time for the very quick birth...I'm a labor and delivery nurse...my sister gave that child my middle name) Now my daughter has been left with a huge whole in her heart and feels abandoned by them. She misses her cousins terribly. That is the only reason I offered the supervised visits. Now I don't know if it IS in her best interest to see them at all. It seems all my family is focused on is being angry and getting back at me....they don't understand how badly this is affecting my little girl and this is infortunately their pattern. Even if things do somehow get settled this time I know they will continue to be in and out of her life depending on how they feel about me at the time. That will harm my daughter far more than if I just cut all ties now and help her pick up the pieces....but the courts will always be a tool my parents use against me and I need to try to convince the court that. what are my rights and what do you think will happen with this? i just feel so bad for my little girl and I want this to stop before she has even more problems.


Please see my 2nd posting for follow up answers to readers questions, information on what happened with my eldest son, and new revelations made by my daughter. I hope the editing I did makes this smoother and easier to read because I could really use your advice!

 

[cyjeff]

Okay, I had to jump off of the "random thought" merry go round about half way through.

You are the only authority when it comes to your child.

Tell your parents to sod off.

 

[onebreath]

Unfortunately, there must be much more to the story. I appreciate what candidness you have shared so far about what charges brought against you. So that anyone can help, which charges are true?

That has to be asked as its highly unusual for biological parents to turn their own daughter in for child neglect and abuse. What is the real story?

Also, you said OCY commented that they "never would have taken the kids had they known what they know now". What do that know now????

How long was the youngest in your parents' care?

How long have you been re-unified with her? Has OCY ordered any child therapy along with all of these drastic changes, for the child?

What has happened to the case with the eldest? Was that closed, or ignored?

Do you have access to low fee counseling for yourself and your kids? The FIRST thing I would do here is get your children into counseling...each child you have custody of. Do you have access to attorney help?

Sorry, one last big question, why, oh why, are you giving your parents consideration of visitation? Depending on how long your youngest with them, perhaps its in her best interest to have some sup visitation with them. Anyone would need the WHOLE story, but I am concerned...its very hard for me to imagine parents turning on their child in such a viscous manner unless they had some serious concerns. Please let us know.

 

[momofcch]

Thanks for your reply and the concern. Yes, it is unusual for ANY parent to turn their child in for neglect but you don't know mine. They have real psych issues and have been "after" me since I became an adult. And yes...you are right again...there is always more to every story and so is true with mine.


I was sexually abused by a neighbor from the ages of 8 to 12 and then a teacher at the age of 12. At 8 shortly after the 1st abuse began I became very depressed and I isolated my self in a rocking chair listening to music out of ear phones while sucking my thumb ... this I did for the entire day(when I wasn't in school). This continued until I was about 13 or 14 and my parents never questioned it or intervened in any way. The abuser was a neighbor and frequent babysitter.


I asked my parents later in my life (age 29) why they didn't see my isolation in the rocking chair as a child as a big SIGN that something was drastically wrong with me and try to get me some help or at least ask me what was wrong... Their reply was that they were just glad that I was finally quiet...I had colic as a baby and I've been told I cried from the moment I was born until about age 4....and frankly they didn't want to disturb their peace and quiet. THAT was what I was dealing with as a child.


Yes, I made some wrong choices as a young adult and I'm not one to blame MY poor choices as an adult on what I went through as a child. I was married to 2 different men who abused me and after a car accident in 2001 in which I severly hurt my spinal cord in my neck region, I was put on oxycontin ....and it didn't take me long to become addicted to it. I have never been a partier and I certainly never bought pills...or any drugs..out on the street, but I ended up abusing what I had been put on. I noticed my problem and put myself in a 30 day inpatient rehab followed by 1 year of intensive outpatient. I still attend narcotics anonymous and have been clean for 4 years 4 months and 18 days today.


Well, My parents got word of my addiction issue 4 years ago and from that day on have called ocy on me relentlessly. This last time ...after they found out that I had contacted OCY for my son....they called and started what lead to what I explained earlier. Your question concerning what OCY knows now that they didn't know then and would have prevented them from removing my kids is this...they didn't know how sick my parents are and what they were telling them was a lie. My parents come across as being very normal and the average person would never guess they had issues unless they really got to know them. During the time my mother had my daughter my OCY caseworker told me she called her almost daily saying Hannah needed all kinds of appointments with different specialist for various things that confused the caseworker because my daughter is very healthy. One in particular was for my daughter to see a doctor who specialised in children who had been or were thought to have been sexually abused. My parents were adament that my daughter had been molested and they even made up symptoms that no one else had ever seen. My daughter saw this doctor and even went through the embarressment of an exam..and there were no signs she had ever been sexually abused...ever. My parents didn't stop there with that accusation...they took my daughter to a rape victims center where she spoke with a therapist weekly for several months....even after that therapist said she saw no signs that she had been molested either. My parents STILL took her to the rape victims center until the judge finally told them they had to stop because it was becoming evident that they were trying to plant thoughts in my daughter's head to make her think something had happened to her that never had...and he told them if they didn't stop taking her there they would be found to be in contempt of court. SO...my mother got my daughter involved with a therapist at another facility who deals with trauma and attempted to get her to believe that she'd been molested! Luckily, this therapist saw the truth but is still working with my daughter on the trauma of being removed from her home and seperated from her mom and siblings...and all the heck she went through with my parents...thus the munchhausen disorder symptoms they noticed in my mom I referred to earlier. Also, OCY found out later how vicious my parents were towards me and how they conive and lie about me in a desperate attempt to keep my kids from me....for their own benefit. I was also able to prove that I was not using drugs...of any kind..through all the drug screens I took unnannounced 2-3 times a week for 10 months....my parents had lied and told them I was using drugs and stealing my kids meds....AND they have found out that what my son had told me about his father was indeed true.



Unfortuneatly my son was placed with his father's brother and sister-in-law and his father had unsupervised access to him because everyone convinced OCY I was lying about ever hearing my son tell me that his father molested him, and my son( who had just been taken from me) was scared and confused and unable to tell the OCY caseworker what his dad had done to him. Now my son has been removed from his Aunt and Uncles house after he admitted to having sexual contact with their animals...a result of the abuse his dad was able to continue to put him through...and he is now in a treatment center for boys who have been sexually abused and have sexually inappropriate acting out behaviors as a result. That should answer your last question. His dad no longer has ANY access to him. THANK GOD!


I also found out this past weekend that his aunt and uncle were not being truthful with OCY regarding my son's behavior and progress while he was living with them and that my son had been at my parents house on several occassions for visits and had behavior while there that they should've reported and never did. My daughter told me this weekend that my parents locked her in her bedroom at night because she'd make my mom mad by coming out of her room several times! My poor daughter thought she'd been the reason that they'd done this because my parents had convinced her that it was her fault because she came out of her room so much and convinced her that it was normal to punish a child in this fashion. They even locked her in her room on Christmas Eve! It's just sick. Now my daughter is terrified to sleep in her room at night. And yes.....my children both have therapists. Obviously my son has more intense therapy where he is now but my daughter has been seeing someone for 7 months now. She also sees a psychiatrist every other month. I hope that answers all your questions. I hate to let everyone see this but I desperatly want to help my kids and protect them from having to deal with anymore. Any advice would be so welcomed. thank you

 

[LdiJ]

I suggest that your daughter see her psychiatrist much more often than every other month, and I suggest that you also hire the best attorney that you can hire, who has strong experience with third party visitation/custody cases.

Unfortunately PA is the worst state in the country when it comes to gpv cases, for the parent's side. (NY is a close second)

I am not saying that you can't win, but I am saying that you need all the professional help that you can get, in your corner. The child's psychiatrist could be an extremely valuable witness, but if he/she is seeing the child only every other month, then diminishes his/her impact.