Need advice on how to deal with high conflict spouse and getting Temporary Full Custo

[lmst310]

CA - I have a high-conflict spouse who has been uncooperative at every turn. I have a hearing in Nov. in which I am asking for temporary full custody (among other things) but I'm having a hard time accepting that the kids have to go through this chaos until then.

1. Can a pattern of neglect or inability to parent be sufficient to get an emergency order? How long? Or does there really have to be clear evidence physical abuse?

2. My spouse truly thinks he is above the law. This also goes for written agreements. Even if they're legal. I won't go into details, but I'm getting discouraged that he will always create havoc and do his own thing without any regard for agreements.

3. I am afraid he will flee with the kids. In my eyes, he tested it over the weekend when he took them camping and wouldn't tell me where they were going. But how do you prove it? Again, I just have to wait for this to happen?

Background:
This is a complicated case. But will briefly try to go into the major issues relating to custody specifically.

After 9 months of our 2 boys living solely with me (He was barely around during the summer even for a couple hours, with no explanation), stbx decides (during their first week back at school) to show up at school and take kids without notice. I tried for days to reason with him to have overnights gradually after he's worked on some major issues and when the kids are settled back in school, but he refused.

Ultimately, I felt I had no choice to concede to a 3-2-2 schedule. To create more order/ give him a schedule, but also at my attorney's advice to go into the hearing with hard evidence rather than "what I think will happen." Everyone thought that it would be too much for him - and it is - but instead of admitting it, he is just holing them up in his studio apartment and putting them in front of the iPad.

It's been less than 2 weeks, and we've already had teacher emails, he's left the kids alone, kids are late to school, he's constantly trying to change the schedule... they seriously come home and say that "daddy has no food." They look filthy because he doesn't wash them or brush their teeth. Over the weekend, he took them in his van "camping" and wouldn't let me know where he was going. He won't communicate on any issue, large or small.

This is really how it has to be until the hearing? No chance for an emergency order to stop this nonsense? Any strategies for coping? My kids are 4 and 7. Obviously going to school without breakfast is not the end of the world - it's the combination of everything that creates such instability in their life. There are so many issues I couldn't possibly go into everything.

He has a history of saying "the kids are too much for him." (yes, I have texts where he says this) and being "traumatized" when he has had them for longer periods. Mentally he is still very unstable - his mom continues to pay over $3.5k/mo just on his psychiatrist and the situation which triggered his emotional state is still very much in play, if not worse. During the first half of the year he was in a partial hospitalization program for 2 months. He won't get a job but is trying to hold on to the idea of being a hedge fund manager - yet he's lost all our money. There is evidence of delusional behavior - but I know that medical records are tightly sealed. So many contradictions. He will never admit that he's been a ****ty dad and get his act together. He thinks he's doing nothing wrong.

 

[stealth2]

How old are the kids?

Until a court says otherwise - or you can prove abuse, etc. (which would still involve court and an order) - he has exactly the same rights as you do. The court will not be interested in "well, he might..." conjectures. How do you KNOW there is "no food"? Or is it really "Dad has 'no food' that we like" that your son means?

And no, sitting in a studio apartment with a iPad is neither abuse nor neglect. Nor is "camping" in a van. Is Dad paying the bills on his apartment and the marital home? Maybe he can't afford more.

Do you work?

 

[Ohiogal]

it takes two people to be high conflict. OP, it sounds like you want dad to parent like you parent.

 

[stealth2]

LOL Just thinking back a "few" years... I also heard "Dad has no food..." Came to find out it actually meant "Dad's g/f doesn't make hot dogs and mac&cheese for dinner. She makes fish and vegetables. And Dad makes us eat it!!!" LOL

 

[henbob6]

C Any strategies for coping? My kids are 4 and 7. QUOTE]

As OG stated, you and husband have very different parenting methods, and he is not going to be the same type of parent that you are. During your parenting time, focus on teaching/modeling your children more independence skills - brush their teeth without being told, shower without being reminded, prepare basic meals like toast, cheese or peanut butter sandwiches, or fresh fruit. Also, encourage them to make "good use" of their downtime independently - reading, word searches, math sheets, coloring. Hopefully, by seeing them more independent while they're under your own care, the better you'll feel about them at dad's. If they can brush their teeth every day and color for 20 minutes instead of being glued to the iPad, then that's a small win.

The more you focus on what you CAN control, the better you'll be able to cope. IMHO, YMMV. Good luck.

 

[LdiJ]

In general I pretty much agree with the others but this particularly bit:

He has a history of saying "the kids are too much for him." (yes, I have texts where he says this) and being "traumatized" when he has had them for longer periods. Mentally he is still very unstable - his mom continues to pay over $3.5k/mo just on his psychiatrist and the situation which triggered his emotional state is still very much in play, if not worse. During the first half of the year he was in a partial hospitalization program for 2 months.

If grandma is spending 3.5k per month for a psychiatrist there has to be something fairly major going on with dad. Therefore I can understand some concern for the safety and/or stablity of the children.

 

[stealth2]

C Any strategies for coping? My kids are 4 and 7. QUOTE]

As OG stated, you and husband have very different parenting methods, and he is not going to be the same type of parent that you are. During your parenting time, focus on teaching/modeling your children more independence skills - brush their teeth without being told, shower without being reminded, prepare basic meals like toast, cheese or peanut butter sandwiches, or fresh fruit. Also, encourage them to make "good use" of their downtime independently - reading, word searches, math sheets, coloring. Hopefully, by seeing them more independent while they're under your own care, the better you'll feel about them at dad's. If they can brush their teeth every day and color for 20 minutes instead of being glued to the iPad, then that's a small win.

The more you focus on what you CAN control, the better you'll be able to cope. IMHO, YMMV. Good luck.

+1, henster!

 

[Ohiogal]

In general I pretty much agree with the others but this particularly bit:



If grandma is spending 3.5k per month for a psychiatrist there has to be something fairly major going on with dad. Therefore I can understand some concern for the safety and/or stablity of the children.

And OP knows that how? Medication for certain mental health issues can easily cost $500 a month if insurance doesn't cover. Doesn't mean the person can't parent. It means they are managing their mental health.

 

[lmst310]

Thank you everyone for your responses. Kids are 4 and 7. I get it, he isn't going to parent like me. And, that I just have to hope nothing terrible happens.

Neither of us are in our marital home. I've been in a situation where we went from a 10,000 sf house to living on the living room floor of my parents house with the kids. Within a month I was able to get it together and find a way to get my own apartment (transitioning my part-time job into full-time), but I am barely getting by. He will not help at all financially. And he can, as he does have a significant amount of money in the bank, but because he has no income there is nothing I can really do.

He was very grateful that I was taking care of the kids during all this instability. It's only been the last couple of months that he's now asking for 50/50 custody and child support.

His mental condition centers around his business, professional life and family (his parents mostly). He still wants to keep working on this business and is not at all interested in getting a job. There is a lot of blame directed at me, for no longer supporting his "dream" and giving him something else to worry about with a divorce. Also towards his mom as she is seeding his business and has wanted out for a long time. She has a significant amount of money that he's "managing" and he won't give it back. She may even consider pressing charges against him. There is a deadline at the end of the month looming over him, and I know that is escalating issues. His identity is way more wrapped up in this business, then with his kids.

He is willing to give up everything for this business - and we certainly have. When my kids were forced out of their home (and he wouldn't do anything about it), I was done. My job doesn't even pay for the operating costs of this business, so obviously the math just doesn't work out. I also have no idea what he is doing with finances and need to sever myself from him legally.

I'm not exaggerating or being hard on him when I tell you that he there is no chance of this business working. He wants to paint himself like the misunderstood "genius" entrepreneur and everyone is getting in his way. He puts a lot of guilt on his wealthy parents for not supporting him - but he's not supporting his own young children! It's everyone's fault but his that his business hasn't worked.

He has admitted depression, anxiety, hearing voices and in one text told me that he has "depersonalization" disorder. I have loved ones with mental health issues - and don't at all think it makes for terrible parenting - but the issues that surround his decline are still very much there and he seems to be getting worse. He is estranged from everyone and truly is alone. I've tried for years to help him, but I've given up and need to focus on the kids and getting myself self-sufficient for them.

This really is just a taste of what's been going on. There is so much more. I guess the point is - I'm still in shock about everything. And I feel like I wake up and am surprised again by what he's capable of. I know that something terrible is going to happen and I'm powerless to stop it.

 

[lmst310]

Oh on the food issue - the kids are saying they have bowls of Kashi cereal for dinner and that's it. This isn't every night, but often enough. This is very believable, as he has a history of food issues (possibly an eating disorder) where he eats only cereal and chocolate bars. I mentioned this to his psychiatrist a couple of years ago and they started weighing him at his appointments, but I still see the behavior so I know it's an issue. I just hope he's not passing these habits down to the kids.

He only has a small mini-bar-type fridge, so that is limiting.

 

[Ohiogal]

Oh on the food issue - the kids are saying they have bowls of Kashi cereal for dinner and that's it. This isn't every night, but often enough. This is very believable, as he has a history of food issues (possibly an eating disorder) where he eats only cereal and chocolate bars. I mentioned this to his psychiatrist a couple of years ago and they started weighing him at his appointments, but I still see the behavior so I know it's an issue. I just hope he's not passing these habits down to the kids.

He only has a small mini-bar-type fridge, so that is limiting.

Eating cereal for dinner is not an issue. Good grief. That is what you are basing it on?

 

[Ohiogal]

Thank you everyone for your responses. Kids are 4 and 7. I get it, he isn't going to parent like me. And, that I just have to hope nothing terrible happens.

Neither of us are in our marital home. I've been in a situation where we went from a 10,000 sf house to living on the living room floor of my parents house with the kids. Within a month I was able to get it together and find a way to get my own apartment (transitioning my part-time job into full-time), but I am barely getting by. He will not help at all financially. And he can, as he does have a significant amount of money in the bank, but because he has no income there is nothing I can really do.

He was very grateful that I was taking care of the kids during all this instability. It's only been the last couple of months that he's now asking for 50/50 custody and child support.

His mental condition centers around his business, professional life and family (his parents mostly). He still wants to keep working on this business and is not at all interested in getting a job. There is a lot of blame directed at me, for no longer supporting his "dream" and giving him something else to worry about with a divorce. Also towards his mom as she is seeding his business and has wanted out for a long time. She has a significant amount of money that he's "managing" and he won't give it back. She may even consider pressing charges against him. There is a deadline at the end of the month looming over him, and I know that is escalating issues. His identity is way more wrapped up in this business, then with his kids.

He is willing to give up everything for this business - and we certainly have. When my kids were forced out of their home (and he wouldn't do anything about it), I was done. My job doesn't even pay for the operating costs of this business, so obviously the math just doesn't work out. I also have no idea what he is doing with finances and need to sever myself from him legally.

I'm not exaggerating or being hard on him when I tell you that he there is no chance of this business working. He wants to paint himself like the misunderstood "genius" entrepreneur and everyone is getting in his way. He puts a lot of guilt on his wealthy parents for not supporting him - but he's not supporting his own young children! It's everyone's fault but his that his business hasn't worked.

He has admitted depression, anxiety, hearing voices and in one text told me that he has "depersonalization" disorder. I have loved ones with mental health issues - and don't at all think it makes for terrible parenting - but the issues that surround his decline are still very much there and he seems to be getting worse. He is estranged from everyone and truly is alone. I've tried for years to help him, but I've given up and need to focus on the kids and getting myself self-sufficient for them.

This really is just a taste of what's been going on. There is so much more. I guess the point is - I'm still in shock about everything. And I feel like I wake up and am surprised again by what he's capable of. I know that something terrible is going to happen and I'm powerless to stop it.

"hearing voices" is not a psychiatric diagnosis. With what has he been diagnosed? Do you know? Do you have any clue? You are being very vague and quite frankly not makin a lot of sense. But nice try at the pity for once living in a 10k sq ft house and now are in an apartment. What type of business is he attempting? From where did he get the money you state he has?

 

[stealth2]

So you request supervised visitation.

 

[lmst310]

I'm vague because this is a forum. Doubt anyone wants to hear all the issues. I also don't sit in with him on his therapy sessions, and he is purposefully vague on his diagnosis. In the past, he's mentioned major depression, anxiety, depersonalization disorder and adjustment disorder.

No, it's not just cereal. It's dozens of issues combined that he just can't seem to manage. Kids are always late to school. They don't get bathed. He calls me to make their school lunch because he just can't manage it. I really could go on and on... not behavior of someone who is claiming to be able to manage the kids on his own half the time.

The larger issues: kids are sleeping on the floor (my younger son is ok with this, but my older son is having problems that affect his ability to sleep), he has left them alone for prolonged periods, he goes "off schedule" and takes them from school without me knowing, or sometimes he doesn't show up when he's supposed to.

Looking at everyone's answers - it seems like this is just the way it has to be until the hearing and not enough for an emergency order. When I look around the forum and read some horrendous cases involving physical and verbal abuse, it does put things in perspective. Life for my kids is chaotic right now, and they aren't getting what they need. But of course it could always be worse and they are doing relatively well considering the chaos. Thank you all.

 

[Ohiogal]

I'm vague because this is a forum. Doubt anyone wants to hear all the issues. I also don't sit in with him on his therapy sessions, and he is purposefully vague on his diagnosis. In the past, he's mentioned major depression, anxiety, depersonalization disorder and adjustment disorder.

No, it's not just cereal. It's dozens of issues combined that he just can't seem to manage. Kids are always late to school. They don't get bathed. He calls me to make their school lunch because he just can't manage it. I really could go on and on... not behavior of someone who is claiming to be able to manage the kids on his own half the time.

The larger issues: kids are sleeping on the floor (my younger son is ok with this, but my older son is having problems that affect his ability to sleep), he has left them alone for prolonged periods, he goes "off schedule" and takes them from school without me knowing, or sometimes he doesn't show up when he's supposed to.

Looking at everyone's answers - it seems like this is just the way it has to be until the hearing and not enough for an emergency order. When I look around the forum and read some horrendous cases involving physical and verbal abuse, it does put things in perspective. Life for my kids is chaotic right now, and they aren't getting what they need. But of course it could always be worse and they are doing relatively well considering the chaos. Thank you all.

1) How do you know he leaves them alone?
2) How late are the children to school?
3) Why can't dad purchase their lunches?
4) Going off schedule? He has every right to do that without orders to the contrary.
5) You don't know about his diagnoses but you know how his MOTHER spends on his care? How?
6) What admissible evidence do you have for any of this?