Need some Help - Ohiogal

[M&MDaddy]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? OHIO

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ohio

I specifically read a thread that stated "Ohio has a presumption of SHARED parenting. You need to state that she has no court ordered custody and due to the marriage you two have EQUAL custody" from Ohiogal.

I am currently in the divorce process in Delaware county..I have submitted a shared parenting plan for my two daughters 5 and 7, the temp orders of the Magistrate were status queue which was Sun from 1:00pm to Tuesday AM and then every other Fri Sat night. Its not 50% overnights, but I figured I got Sunday from 1:00 so I gave her an extra night every two weeks. My plan asks for a Mon, Tues..Wed Thurs split with alternating weekends. My wife is fighting me on this, I believe to allow for additional support from me. regardless of all this, we are both good parents, we both reside in nice houses in good neighborhoods. I have always participated in all their sports and school functions I have never missed a parent teacher conference or a first day of school, all soccer games and practices, dance recitals, Dad and Daughter breakfasts..you name it im there.
I am very concerned about the potential for gender bias? Also, she requested a GAL, and since her hometown attorney knows her (GAL) Im even more concerned that I'm going to lose time with my daughters. I had a little hope when OhioGal said there is a presumption of shared parenting in ohio..does this mean she would have to prove its not in the girls best interest to be with me half the time?

And yes I have retained council and he is very experienced in family law, but my personality requires my own validation and research.. I will trust no one individual to make decisions about my daughters or my life.

Feel free to hammer me with whatever questions would be relevent.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? OHIO

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ohio

I specifically read a thread that stated "Ohio has a presumption of SHARED parenting. You need to state that she has no court ordered custody and due to the marriage you two have EQUAL custody" from Ohiogal.

I am currently in the divorce process in Delaware county..I have submitted a shared parenting plan for my two daughters 5 and 7, the temp orders of the Magistrate were status queue which was Sun from 1:00pm to Tuesday AM and then every other Fri Sat night. Its not 50% overnights, but I figured I got Sunday from 1:00 so I gave her an extra night every two weeks. My plan asks for a Mon, Tues..Wed Thurs split with alternating weekends. My wife is fighting me on this, I believe to allow for additional support from me. regardless of all this, we are both good parents, we both reside in nice houses in good neighborhoods. I have always participated in all their sports and school functions I have never missed a parent teacher conference or a first day of school, all soccer games and practices, dance recitals, Dad and Daughter breakfasts..you name it im there.
I am very concerned about the potential for gender bias? Also, she requested a GAL, and since her hometown attorney knows her (GAL) Im even more concerned that I'm going to lose time with my daughters. I had a little hope when OhioGal said there is a presumption of shared parenting in ohio..does this mean she would have to prove its not in the girls best interest to be with me half the time?

And yes I have retained council and he is very experienced in family law, but my personality requires my own validation and research.. I will trust no one individual to make decisions about my daughters or my life.

Feel free to hammer me with whatever questions would be relevent.

A presumption of shared parenting is not the same thing as a presumption of a 50/50 timeshare.

Dad, I will tell you that while lots of people like that kind of split, its really a bit difficult on the kids. They never get to settle in anywhere. I am not a big fan of 50/50 custody situations, but if you are going to do it, it really would be easier on your children if you simply did an every other week split, with the other parent getting one or two dinner visits on the off week.

Then, at least, your kids will get to settle in somewhere for a week at a time.
Would you enjoy having to change residences every couple of days? If you had to change residences on a continous basis, wouldn't you prefer doing so every other week?

 

[Ohiogal]

How close do you two live? I do agree that SHARED PARENTING is not the same as a 50/50 timesplit however the MT, WH, with alternating weekends is popular and growing as long as the parents can coparent. How would school and extracurriculars be handled?

 

[LdiJ]

How close do you two live? I do agree that SHARED PARENTING is not the same as a 50/50 timesplit however the MT, WH, with alternating weekends is popular and growing as long as the parents can coparent. How would school and extracurriculars be handled?

Its popular because PARENTS like it...but I bet that if anyone polled the kids, and the kids thought that they could speak clearly without it getting back to their parents, they would have a different story.

I have said this before (but its been a while)..and I will say it again.

I have worked with lots and lots of children in my lifetime, mostly in volunteer capacities. Those children have tended to confide in me.

Virtually all children in 50/50 custody situations that have talked to me, tell me that they HATE it...the older they are, the more adamant they are about it.

Why?...reason number one is that they hate not having one place that is "home". Reason number two is that they hate the differences in "rules" etc. between the two homes. It totally confuses and frustrates them. Reason number three is that (particularly if they have siblings in both homes who don't have to switch) is that they feel like visitors in BOTH homes. Other reasons that are more trivial have to do with "stuff" and that its never where they want/need it to be at the time..or friends that they only get to see on mom or dad's time.

Universally children confide in me that they want one place that is "home" but they want to spend lots of time with both parents.

Those children who seem to be happier in 50/50 situations are the ones who do the every other week switch...at least for school aged children. Younger than that is a whole "nuther" story. At least they get to settle in to one place for a week at a time, and it does tend to give them more of a "place" in each home.

Part of me absolutely despises the current trend in child support that its based on "overnights". I totally understand and agree with its inherent fairness, but it does to make parents fight custody battles base on child support results more than what is in the best interest of their particular children.

Seriously...what parent is going to agree to a schedule that gives them daily time with their children, and every other weekend...which would totally be in the best interest of the children, if that schedule means that their only overnights are every other weekend so they have to pay more child support?

In my opinion the very best schedule for a child is one that allows the child to spend time with both parents every day, but allows the child to have one place that is "home".

That is what my ex and I did...but we both put our child first, above all else.

 

[Ohiogal]

And I have talked to many many children as well who LOVE it. It depends on the child.

 

[M&MDaddy]

How close do you two live? I do agree that SHARED PARENTING is not the same as a 50/50 timesplit however the MT, WH, with alternating weekends is popular and growing as long as the parents can coparent. How would school and extracurriculars be handled?

We live within 15 minutes of each other and our offices are lterally 3 minutes apart. The girls currently attend private school which I have agreed to split with her parents. extracurriculars are completely up to the girls whatever they want to do Im fine with either splitting or paying for, and we both have taken them to soccer practices and games on our days, we both can sit through a soccer game together and be cordial. I do want whats best, I would prefer a week on week off too, but my stbxw (Ithink thats how you all say it) doesnt want to be away from the girls that long.

I understand LdiJ points, the girls have two homes which I know is not ideal, the best would be to have one home with two parents..but their mom and I together was not healthy for any of us. But I try hard to make my home their's, they each have their own bedroom all thier own toys, computer no clothes ever have to switch back and forth..I'm trying to make the best of a bad situation, and believe me if she would agree to let me have full custody with regular visitations I would jump at it, but I can honestly say I dont feel it is in the best interest of my girls to be with only her..she is more interested in being their friend than their Parent, and it shows..(I'll leave it at that)

 

[futuredust]

Or..

Kids have one home- parents have two.

I know not many would actually do it, but it is worth looking at if it could be afforded.

Kids stay in the home, keep all their stuff in one place. Mom and Dad have small apartments close by. Mom and Dad take turns at the main home with the children.

 

[Ohiogal]

We live within 15 minutes of each other and our offices are lterally 3 minutes apart.

So you are definitely close enough.

The girls currently attend private school which I have agreed to split with her parents.

DO NOT have this put into the court order. Her parents are NOT parties to the court order. If you want the children in private school, fine. But do NOT be ordered to keep them in private school.

extracurriculars are completely up to the girls whatever they want to do Im fine with either splitting or paying for, and we both have taken them to soccer practices and games on our days, we both can sit through a soccer game together and be cordial. I do want whats best, I would prefer a week on week off too, but my stbxw (Ithink thats how you all say it) doesnt want to be away from the girls that long.

Truthfully I agree with stbxw. You two are close enough that a MT, WH, alternating weekend schedule would be a good way to go due to the ages of the girls.

I understand LdiJ points, the girls have two homes which I know is not ideal, the best would be to have one home with two parents..but their mom and I together was not healthy for any of us. But I try hard to make my home their's, they each have their own bedroom all thier own toys, computer no clothes ever have to switch back and forth..I'm trying to make the best of a bad situation, and believe me if she would agree to let me have full custody with regular visitations I would jump at it, but I can honestly say I dont feel it is in the best interest of my girls to be with only her..she is more interested in being their friend than their Parent, and it shows..(I'll leave it at that)

The children will NEVER be with only her unless you decide to walk away. They have two parents. BOTH OF YOU need to work together.

 

[M&MDaddy]

So you are definitely close enough

DO NOT have this put into the court order. Her parents are NOT parties to the court order. If you want the children in private school, fine. But do NOT be ordered to keep them in private school


Truthfully I agree with stbxw. You two are close enough that a MT, WH, alternating weekend schedule would be a good way to go due to the ages of the girls. ...

The children will NEVER be with only her unless you decide to walk away. They have two parents. BOTH OF YOU need to work together.

Yes, in my opinion our situation is optimal for shared parenting, except for the fact my SBXW has and continues to use the girls as leverage..because she knows it the only thing that I care about.

So how do I address the private school issue, I dont want to appear to the court that I dont have the girls best interest at heart? I do.

As a GAL yourself, do you think that is the typical mindset of attorney's in the area, my GAL is also an attorney and seems very intelligent, but Im still worried that since Im a man she might be less likely to side with me.


Believe me, i am trying, I tried for over a year to get a disolution, but her lawyer would not play ball, they currently have a motion to compel as they are witholding her business financials and lying about her income.. I know its a seperate issue but its difficult to negotiate with someone that doesnt want to negotiate. And believe me I would spend every last penny i have to be with my girls I would NEVER walk away from them.

Thanks for your help, wish I would found this site earlier I would have asked for your opinion on the best Attorney too..tough to find that info.

 

[mistoffolees]

And I have talked to many many children as well who LOVE it. It depends on the child.

And the parents.

Personally, I'd have a hard time with the split that's being proposed because I travel for work (usually 3-4 days at a time) and it would be nearly impossible. With our current alternating week schedule, I can almost always schedule my trips for my 'off' weeks.

In our case, it works extremely well. My daughter is very happy with the situation. I realize that it won't work for everyone, but for people who can make it work, it's ideal. Things that contribute to success (IMHO):

1. The parents have to be willing to communicate and not get stuck on the details. My ex wanted to take my daughter out of state on one of 'my' days because it was convenient for her schedule and that's just not worth fighting over.

2. It helps that we have enough resources to duplicate things so that she's not transferring carloads of stuff every weekend. She has a cell phone charger at both houses, a bike at both houses, computer chargers at both houses, lunch boxes and backpack for school at each house, and so on. Having to transfer those things every week would be a nightmare. The only thing she needs to transfer is expensive things like her laptop and ice skates (expensive training skates).

3. She brings her cat back and forth with her so the cat also alternates weeks. This helps a lot.

4. She talks to the other parent every night. Usually only briefly, but enough to say 'goodnight'. This will probably taper off.

5. The parents must NEVER put the child in a position of choosing one or the other. If there's a need to make a change (see #1), it should be 100% up to the parents, never 'What do you want to do?".

6. Ideally, both parents would live in the same school district - or at least very close - so the child can see her friends regardless of which house he/she is at. In our case, my daughter goes to private school, so it's not an issue - her friends are scattered all over the metro area, anyway, and parents realize that they have to drive for get-togethers. She has a few neighbor friends in each house, too, but she's not close enough to any of these that she feels she HAS to see them that often.

Granted, it's going to get harder when she gets older and spends more time with her friends and/or gets a job (or, *shudder* gets a boyfriend), but our houses are close enough that that shouldn't be a problem.

 

[mistoffolees]

Yes, in my opinion our situation is optimal for shared parenting, except for the fact my SBXW has and continues to use the girls as leverage..because she knows it the only thing that I care about.

Then it's not ideal. The kind of 50:50 split you're talking about requires lots of cooperation and if one parent is fighting it, it may fail.

HOWEVER, your stbx may be like mine was. She fought me tooth and nail on everything, including some extremely slimey things to try to gain full custody, but once the matter was settled with alternating weeks, she has been completely fine - and even gone beyond what she needed to do.

If the two of you have a mutual friend, minister, etc, it might be worth discussing the issue in that forum before it becomes a big legal battle.

So how do I address the private school issue, I dont want to appear to the court that I dont have the girls best interest at heart? I do.

You have to realize that there's no 'right' answer. You have to do what's best for the child.

Maybe our solution would help. My decree states that I will pay for 100% of education expenses (although this could easily be 50:50 or any other split) FOR ANY EDUCATIONAL EXPENSES THAT WE AGREE TO. (Similar clause for extracurricular activities) That way, neither of us can force things and we have to discuss it. My ex can't put my daughter into a school I don't like and expect me to pay. If she doesn't like the school I choose, then she can object.

The risk, of course, is that every decision becomes a battleground, but if the two of you really are interested in the child first, you should be able to work things out. We nearly had a problem when I lost my job and my ex thought I was still wealthy and could afford a zillion activities. If I had told her we had to drop activities or private school, there would have been a problem, but fortunately, I was back to work before my cash was completely gone. But, then, my ex is completely irrational when it comes to money, so maybe your stbx would be more understanding in a case like that.

 

[M&MDaddy]

Then it's not ideal. The kind of 50:50 split you're talking about requires lots of cooperation and if one parent is fighting it, it may fail.

HOWEVER, your stbx may be like mine was. She fought me tooth and nail on everything, including some extremely slimey things to try to gain full custody, but once the matter was settled with alternating weeks, she has been completely fine - and even gone beyond what she needed to do.

Agreed, there are days and even weeks when we can have no issues at all, she is rational and can discuss things, then there are times when she pulls things up from a year or more ago and starts in on me yelling and getting upset. I do believe once it is settled she will be much easier to work with.

as far as finances go, she is also pretty similar, she seems to think my salary goes a lot further than it really does, and since she owns her own business, she pays a ton of daily expenses out of her business account, which she contends is not really income.. different thread I know. But thanks a lot for your input its nice to know there are other guys that have made this work even when their ex was trying to get full custody.

 

[Ohiogal]

Agreed, there are days and even weeks when we can have no issues at all, she is rational and can discuss things, then there are times when she pulls things up from a year or more ago and starts in on me yelling and getting upset. I do believe once it is settled she will be much easier to work with.

And what about you? It takes two to tango. You really need to examine your own actions.

as far as finances go, she is also pretty similar, she seems to think my salary goes a lot further than it really does, and since she owns her own business, she pays a ton of daily expenses out of her business account, which she contends is not really income.. different thread I know. But thanks a lot for your input its nice to know there are other guys that have made this work even when their ex was trying to get full custody.

It is possible. Regarding the GAL -- I have never made a decision based on the gender of the parent. I have made recommendations for and against dads and for and against moms.

Both of you need to take a step back and realize that you BOTH contribute to the issues and that causes your children issues.

 

[LdiJ]

Agreed, there are days and even weeks when we can have no issues at all, she is rational and can discuss things, then there are times when she pulls things up from a year or more ago and starts in on me yelling and getting upset. I do believe once it is settled she will be much easier to work with.

as far as finances go, she is also pretty similar, she seems to think my salary goes a lot further than it really does, and since she owns her own business, she pays a ton of daily expenses out of her business account, which she contends is not really income.. different thread I know. But thanks a lot for your input its nice to know there are other guys that have made this work even when their ex was trying to get full custody.

Just to clarify something...her income from her business is her PROFIT from the business. Profit is business income minus business expenses.

 

[M&MDaddy]

Just to clarify something...her income from her business is her PROFIT from the business. Profit is business income minus business expenses.

I completely understand, and have tried to convey that too her, which I believe is why they are dragging their feet on providing financials..they have to know Im only interested in expenses necessary to run the business, and everything else is profit.