New mom needs advice

[jjmommy]

What is the name of your state? California
I'm a new mother & I'm needing some advice! I was with my baby's father for 3 1/2 years before I got pregnant. I wanted us to be a family so I got an apartment with everything under my name. We moved in together but after a few months, he started to pursue a new hobby & wasn't around very much. We would fight about this all the time. When I was 7 mos pregnant, we got into a huge fight & I said I was going to stay at my parent's house. He was standing in the doorway of our bedroom & I was pushing him so I could get by, he became very angry & he hit me & threw me down. I told him that it was over & I called 911 & he took the phone from me & hung it up. He realized then what a huge mistake he made & pleaded with me to stay & work it out. I wanted so badly for us to be a family so I agreed. I never felt the same way about him after that night though. I started to spend most of my time at my parents house to stay away from him. When I would be at the apartment, I would notice that he would get a lot of calls on his cell phone & then he would say he had to go downstairs to meet his friend, this would happen pretty frequently but I was so absorbed with my new baby that I never really thought about it. When my baby was about 2 mos old, I had to get something out of her closet & on top of her closet was a big vacuum sealed type container of marijuana & ecstacy. I took pictures of his drugs & immediately packed up what I thought my baby & I would need & went to stay at my parent's house. The next time we spoke, I told him that he needed to move his things out of the apartment. When I asked him about his drugs, he said that he had been selling drugs since he was 15 & he wasn't going to stop because I didn't like it. I knew he used to do it & that he had a previous arrest for possession of ecstacy but he said he had changed his life & wasn't into that lifestyle anymore. After that, I turned my back on him. I would move things out of the apartment when he was at work. He finally got the picture & moved his things out, after about a month & a half. I put in my notice at my apartment & since then I've been staying with my parents. He's shown up at my parent's house once & has called a few times but I tell him that he isn't welcome here & that he'd better leave & not ever call here. He calls me on my cell phone & says he has the right to see his baby, which I would agree with but with the lifestyle that he's living I want to keep my baby as far away from that as possible! He says he 's changed his life but I know he's lying. It's just a ploy to get me to come back. Is there a chance that I could get full custody of my child? Can the pictures that I took of his drugs be used as evidence of what kind of person he is? Can I get a restraining order against him so he'll have to stay away from my baby & me? If he wants to take me to court & I'm served papers to do so, will the court give me sufficient time to find a lawyer and get my own case ready? I know this is a lot of questions, but this is all very new to me. I've never been in trouble with the law to know what I should be expecting. I'm open to any advice you might have for me! Thanks for listening...or reading .

 

[CAPrincess]

Instead of waiting for him to file for custody, why don't you do it first? And while you're at it you can have support and visitation set up, too. That way you won't have to worry about having enough time to prepare your case if and when you're served.

 

[theb]

that was her whole point of the post CAP...she doesnt feel safe with him having visitation at this point....

would you after what she witnessed and went through?
I say get a restraining order(IF and only if you are truly scared for yourself and your child) then let him file for visitation, and when he files for visitation you file your counter-motion forsupervised visitation, child support, also requesting he attend parenting classes, anger management classes and maybe some type of class for drug abusers


just my thoughts
good luck with you and your child

 

[The It]

If you are in actual fear of you and your child, then petition for a restraining order. Go to legal aid (free legal counsel) and explore your options. If he has a record and you have photo evidence, then you should be able to get supervised visitation or no visitation. At this point, I would not press the child support issue unless it is abosutely necessary, becuase, if he is paying then he is more apt to press the visitation issue and it sounds like that may not be in the child's best interest at this time.

Is he on probation? If so, send a copy of the photo to his PO and have him tested for drug use. Perhaps, the threat of jail time will turn him around into the father that you would hope he could be. I know we have prayed that, to no avail...

 

[CAPrincess]

that was her whole point of the post CAP...she doesnt feel safe with him having visitation at this point....

would you after what she witnessed and went through?
I say get a restraining order(IF and only if you are truly scared for yourself and your child) then let him file for visitation, and when he files for visitation you file your counter-motion forsupervised visitation, child support, also requesting he attend parenting classes, anger management classes and maybe some type of class for drug abusers


just my thoughts
good luck with you and your child

I can understand that; however, my point was: Why wait for him to make the first move? I think she should get the ball rolling instead of waiting for him to do it. That way she doesn't have to worry about having enough time to find a lawyer and making her case. Don't you think?

 

[stealth2]

Unfortunately, a lot of the "evidence" is hearsay. There's no documentation of his throwning her to the ground. There's no evidence (apparently) of his saying he's dealt drugs since the age of 15. There's no evidence of the drugs being his (the ones in the photo). Yes, she can say it all happened and that they are his, but there's no proof. So there's a huge problem, and if he files for custody or visitation, he's likely to get at least the latter. And very likely unsupervised.

 

[jjmommy]

Thank you everybody for your take on my situation.
I'm concerned with the response I got from stealth2 because he does have a point. The evidence is heresay. I thought I would be able to use the pictures in court to show that he is a drug dealer but now I'm worried. Because he has a drug conviction, would the judge be inclined to use the evidence? Even though, as stealth2 said, they could have been anyone's drugs.
I have a great support system when it comes to my family. I have a good job and am lucky enough to have a newly retired Dad to watches his granddaughter while I'm at work. What rights does my child's father have? Does my dad have to give her to him if he were to come over to my parent's house? What about if I'm there, can I say no?
At this point, I don't want anything from him! I just want him to leave us alone. We're better off by ourselves.
I'm also afaid that a judge will grant him visitation & I'll have to watch my baby leave with her father when I just know he's still surrounds himself with drug dealers & bad people.

 

[Plantinga]

The first thing you should of done when he took the phone away from you when calling 911, is called them again and told them of the event. This is considered an interference with a 911 call, and if not a Gross Misdemeanor, it is a Felony. (I think depending on state laws?).

File for the protective order. File for child support. Have you ever considered calling the cops on him, and having his home seized and searched?

Allow him to at least have supervised visits, if you truly do not trust him. Most communities have visitation centers. Try one of those.

I wish you good luck!

Regards,
Plantinga

 

[stealth2]

Since it seems that you were never married - has paternity been legally proven? If not, then you are under no obligation to provide him with any visitation at all. Until, of course, he files for it, is adjudged to be the father and visitation is ordered. I would STRONGLY urge you to speak with an attorney to see what your options are.

Whether the drug photos are admissible is impossible to say. His drug conviction may be helpful, but a lot depends on how long ago it was (and whether it was while he was a juvenile). You really need the advice of an attorney - I know it's expensive, but will be money well spent.