Not taking child to school

[killerzoey]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Hawaii

My ex and I have two children together (6 year old girl, almost 3 year old girl), and no others. Joint legal, joint physical.

My ex has our girls on Tuesday and Thursday nights, and every other Sunday.

Our 6-year-old started Kindergarten this year.

In the past roughly 8 weeks my ex has failed to take her to school 6 times and brought her in late 2 times. The school counts unexcused absences and tardies the same, so that's a total of 8.

One week was fall break so she's averaging just shy of one absence per week. She has never had a valid reason to be out, so all are unexcused. The last time was just the other day. I've gone to school to pick her up (before I started working there) and learned she had been out all day, that she was at the beach with Dad instead. Not a call to the school, no call to me...this same scene has repeated over and over. He sometimes notifies me, like the time before last when I got a text in the morning: "I kept (dd) we go aquarium."

I am a teacher at the school she attends. I just started teaching so I don't really know what happens in these cases, so I asked a few staff members. They said that although the school will probably send a letter home and schedule a meeting (at which they will say "you have to bring the child to school"), they won't take any legal action because she is only in Kindergarten. For grades 1 and above, they are tougher. They send out a social worker to try to figure out why the parent can't get the child to school, and after 10 (unexcused absences, tardies, or combination thereof) they can take the family to court. How hard they pursue this depends on the principal. New principal, so we don't know how she is regarding this yet.

However, I looked it up and the state law indicates that in any school year during which a child will be 6 as of New Year's, attendance is mandatory. So I'm wondering if the school maybe doesn't realize that it's not grade level but age that dictates attendance. If that is the case, perhaps I can politely point out the law and ask that they do everything in their power to ensure she attends school. Should I do that? I figure a social study would help pick up on whatever his issues are and hopefully strong arm him into taking her to school.

Here is a link to the "legal posture" of the State of HI regarding school attendance:

Legal Posture

As an aside, our visitation agreement says that "parents shall ponder 50/50" but he has never pushed for any more than we had at the time of trial, which is 2 days a week, with a 3rd day added every other week.

I'm a little worried that if I take this to family court, his attorney will realize he is not taking advantage of his parenting time and blast him for it. The result will be he has them more, which would seem to mean she would miss more school.

This judge is widely known for making decisions that just leave everyone scratching their heads. So if my worries seem irrational, all I can say is, "You'd have to see it to believe it". The judge is known for strongly favoring the dads and is even under investigation for repeatedly violating the statute that prohibits granting custody to convicted abusers. We have only one family court judge.

If it weren't for the above, I would hope to be able to go to the judge, explain what is happening, and ask that either the judge mandates that my ex take our daughter to school or that he won't be able to have her during the school week. But given the above, what would you do?

 

[CJane]

Is your child performing at or above grade level?

 

[killerzoey]

Is your child performing at or above grade level?

Yes. She is. I work with her a lot and always have, and she is doing just fine in school. However, the bar is pretty low relative to her abilities; she is an old Kindergartner. Ex pushed to keep her in preschool a year longer than she had to, so she's very bright, very tall, and very ready to learn more. Her teacher is preparing to differentiate the standard curriculum to meet her needs. But mostly, her teacher tells me that she thinks DD really needs the socialization she is getting, and points to a few behaviors that she is trying to help her with.

 

[LdiJ]

Yes. She is. I work with her a lot and always have, and she is doing just fine in school. However, the bar is pretty low relative to her abilities; she is an old Kindergartner. Ex pushed to keep her in preschool a year longer than she had to, so she's very bright, very tall, and very ready to learn more. Her teacher is preparing to differentiate the standard curriculum to meet her needs. But mostly, her teacher tells me that she thinks DD really needs the socialization she is getting, and points to a few behaviors that she is trying to help her with.

Since you are the parent with primary custody, I am concerned that you are the one who is going to be in trouble if the child continues to miss so much school.

Would it be feasible for you to take the responsibility of getting her to school out from under him by picking her up from him on Tuesdays and Thursdays and taking her to school yourself?

 

[stealth2]

Have you talked to Dad about the importance of getting her to school?

 

[breezymom]

Since you are the parent with primary custody, I am concerned that you are the one who is going to be in trouble if the child continues to miss so much school.

Would it be feasible for you to take the responsibility of getting her to school out from under him by picking her up from him on Tuesdays and Thursdays and taking her to school yourself?

I would be concerned about that, too...however:

Would the courts see it as her trying to interfere with her ex's parenting time?

I know things vary by state, but, for example, I was told to stop sending necessities with my child to her Dad's so that he actually had to be responsible for providing them himself.

This is rather difficult. I, personally, would attempt to consult with a lawyer on this one, especially if no one here can give a definite answer.

 

[mistoffolees]

I know things vary by state, but, for example, I was told to stop sending necessities with my child to her Dad's so that he actually had to be responsible for providing them himself.

I find that pretty hard to believe.

 

[breezymom]

Will send you the court transcripts, misto

As in diapers, formula, changes of clothes, blankets, etc.

 

[LdiJ]

I find that pretty hard to believe.

That's not all that unusual...in fact, in a 50/50 situation or close to a 50/50 situation that's the norm. Your child doesn't haul a bunch of stuff back and forth does she?

 

[killerzoey]

Thank you for your thoughtful replies. It sounds like this may be a sticky one in some ways.

I have talked to him about the importance of her being in school. I also outlined the school's attendance policy to him as soon as I learned of it. Ironically he started keeping her out within a few days of that conversation.

A friend of mine asked if I might offer to go pick her up on Tuesdays and Thursdays and at first it sounded like a good idea and then I had the same question...would it be looked at as overstepping? His lawyer tried her best to make me look that way already in the trial. Though I know she wasn't successful, I know it's on her list of things to say about me. Therefore I try to be very careful in this regard. Plus, darn it, I want him to step up! Is that wrong? Should I just give up on that one?

I will meet with a lawyer on this one. I just talked to her teacher today (she is out AGAIN today!!!) Second school day in a row, for NO reason! Unbelievable.

By the way, when I dropped off our daughter yesterday (Sunday) I said, "DD will be in school tomorrow, right?" and he replied, "I hope so..." to which I replied, "You hope? It's up to you, right?" and he said, "To be honest, I listen to her."

 

[mistoffolees]

That's not all that unusual...in fact, in a 50/50 situation or close to a 50/50 situation that's the norm. Your child doesn't haul a bunch of stuff back and forth does she?

It's not hard to believe that each parent should provide things for the child in their own household. What I find hard to believe is that the court would order someone NOT to send stuff with the child to the other home if they wish.

Certainly, the court could order both parents to have the necessary things in their house, but again, it seems very strange that the court would tell a parent not to send extra clothes or diapers or formula or whatever.

 

[LdiJ]

Thank you for your thoughtful replies. It sounds like this may be a sticky one in some ways.

I have talked to him about the importance of her being in school. I also outlined the school's attendance policy to him as soon as I learned of it. Ironically he started keeping her out within a few days of that conversation.

A friend of mine asked if I might offer to go pick her up on Tuesdays and Thursdays and at first it sounded like a good idea and then I had the same question...would it be looked at as overstepping? His lawyer tried her best to make me look that way already in the trial. Though I know she wasn't successful, I know it's on her list of things to say about me. Therefore I try to be very careful in this regard. Plus, darn it, I want him to step up! Is that wrong? Should I just give up on that one?

I will meet with a lawyer on this one. I just talked to her teacher today (she is out AGAIN today!!!) Second school day in a row, for NO reason! Unbelievable.

By the way, when I dropped off our daughter yesterday (Sunday) I said, "DD will be in school tomorrow, right?" and he replied, "I hope so..." to which I replied, "You hope? It's up to you, right?" and he said, "To be honest, I listen to her."

Oh this is NOT good. Despite the fact that I firmly believe that a child should not be punished in one home, for what happens in the other, this is one time when I would be REALLY tempted to have a serious talk with the child and make it clear that she will lose priviledges if she is not in school. There is a really good chance that this child is "playing" dad.

I honestly would also ask dad if it would be easier on him if you picked her up and took her to school with you. If you word it that way, I don't see how anyone could take it as overstepping.

 

[LdiJ]

It's not hard to believe that each parent should provide things for the child in their own household. What I find hard to believe is that the court would order someone NOT to send stuff with the child to the other home if they wish.

Certainly, the court could order both parents to have the necessary things in their house, but again, it seems very strange that the court would tell a parent not to send extra clothes or diapers or formula or whatever.

I don't know how heavily the courts were involved, but you really should someday ask Stealth to tell you about being told to NOT send anything to dad's home...particularly the suitcase emptied on her front lawn story.

 

[Proserpina]

Oh this is NOT good. Despite the fact that I firmly believe that a child should not be punished in one home, for what happens in the other, this is one time when I would be REALLY tempted to have a serious talk with the child and make it clear that she will lose priviledges if she is not in school. There is a really good chance that this child is "playing" dad.

I honestly would also ask dad if it would be easier on him if you picked her up and took her to school with you. If you word it that way, I don't see how anyone could take it as overstepping.

I agree, on both counts.

Kiddo is playing a game here. Kiddo needs to learn that this is not a game, and there will be consequences.

I like the idea of asking Dad if it would be easier...that's not overstepping to me, not really enabling him either - just trying to make sure the end goal is reached.

And that is twofold - 1, kiddo is in school and 2, Mom isn't getting her ass handed to her for kiddo not going to school!

 

[breezymom]

I agree, on both counts.

Kiddo is playing a game here. Kiddo needs to learn that this is not a game, and there will be consequences.

I like the idea of asking Dad if it would be easier...that's not overstepping to me, not really enabling him either - just trying to make sure the end goal is reached.

And that is twofold - 1, kiddo is in school and 2, Mom isn't getting her ass handed to her for kiddo not going to school!

Good point, as long as he agrees to it. That way, too, he may communicate if the child is trying to play him, hopefully. Maybe part of the discussion with kiddo could be that the more school she misses, the longer she *may* end up having to *go* to school? Because of the attendance policies?