Not taking child to school

[LdiJ]

Good point, as long as he agrees to it. That way, too, he may communicate if the child is trying to play him, hopefully. Maybe part of the discussion with kiddo could be that the more school she misses, the longer she *may* end up having to *go* to school? Because of the attendance policies?

In my opinon no...it needs to be much firmer than that with the child. She goes to school or she faces consequences...period. She is only 6 years old...and the fact that school is an absolute requirement needs to be instilled NOW.

 

[killerzoey]

Ok, I hear what you're saying about her playing her dad, and I agree that that is probably what is going on. But he has a tendency to act irrationally and buck the system himself, so I can't be sure that she herself has total power here. What if I punish her and there is really nothing she could have done about it? I can imagine that he really isn't that into taking her and might use her as an excuse not to. It could be a combination of things.

I have thought of conducting an experiment wherein I bribe her for a few weeks to attend school. Believe me, I know, this sounds ridiculous, but the reason for it would be to determine whether she indeed has the ability to dictate whether she goes to school. Then I can decide how to proceed from there. Feel free to lambaste me for that one, I am really lost here. I just can't be totally sure what's going on at his house, I only know it wouldn't make sense to me.

Regarding me getting my ass handed to me for not having her in school, is this really a possibility? I have documentation that he has her on the days she is absent, and the office always makes a note of this, too. Her homework folder shows his signature on the nights he has her, or my note that he had her (if there is a blank where a homework sig should have been...) I also have texts and e-mails from him saying he himself kept her out. I could really get in trouble here?

 

[killerzoey]

By the way, here's an excerpt of what he wrote to me after keeping her out one of the first times. Maybe it gives some sort of glimpse into what I'm dealing with here. Please don't quote this as I may want to delete it later... it's a little too specific.


It started out a normal evening. I let the kids watch the 2nd Season of Shaun the sheep. Then (dd#2) went to bed. I realized I hadn't done (dd's) homework with her, or read her book yet. So I hit pause on the remote. (Dd) exploded into a tantrum, and freaked out on me. I got her to sit at the table, and instead of writing her name, she just scribbled super fast across the lines. Then I made the mistake of telling her she was just tired, and needed to go to bed. She would not stop yelling I Don't want to go to bed, I am not TiReD!!. Next thing I know (dd#2) wakes up, and now she's not tired. It was a very long night. We all watched a "The Dolphin" movie, finally everyone fell asleep.

I woke up at 4am, started cleaning the last nights mess. (Did hobby) until (dd#2) woke up 6:15. By this time my head was in the clouds.
(Dd) slept in until about 7:30. It was pretty much a wash. I debated calling the School and you but I ended up crawling back into bed. Laid down until (dd) put an Alarm clock next to my ear, and played it over and over until I got out of bed.

Made them breakfast. Next thing it was noon, so I thought it's such a beautiful day I might as well take the girls to the beach for a couple hours. I went to (beach), and thought about calling you to watch us on the web cam.
(dd) is getting good at riding the boogie board with me. I thought no, I normally call you and you are busy. I'll just do the default thing and meet you at (meeting place) at 2:30. I thought I'd give them a quick rinse at (friend's house) and be on my way. I had to chase them around because they didn't want to take a shower at first, they made it into a game.
I told them that you were waiting for Us. So just one crazy day for me. Can't really explain it.
(father)

He is apologizing, which is rare for him, and that's good. But this was only one of the first of many absences. And regarding his logic and lack of management abilities... wow. This is why I think it may be a combination of things.

 

[Isis1]

By the way, here's an excerpt of what he wrote to me after keeping her out one of the first times. Maybe it gives some sort of glimpse into what I'm dealing with here. Please don't quote this as I may want to delete it later... it's a little too specific.


It started out a normal evening. I let the kids watch the 2nd Season of Shaun the sheep. Then (dd#2) went to bed. I realized I hadn't done (dd's) homework with her, or read her book yet. So I hit pause on the remote. (Dd) exploded into a tantrum, and freaked out on me. I got her to sit at the table, and instead of writing her name, she just scribbled super fast across the lines. Then I made the mistake of telling her she was just tired, and needed to go to bed. She would not stop yelling I Don't want to go to bed, I am not TiReD!!. Next thing I know (dd#2) wakes up, and now she's not tired. It was a very long night. We all watched a "The Dolphin" movie, finally everyone fell asleep.

I woke up at 4am, started cleaning the last nights mess. (Did hobby) until (dd#2) woke up 6:15. By this time my head was in the clouds.
(Dd) slept in until about 7:30. It was pretty much a wash. I debated calling the School and you but I ended up crawling back into bed. Laid down until (dd) put an Alarm clock next to my ear, and played it over and over until I got out of bed.

Made them breakfast. Next thing it was noon, so I thought it's such a beautiful day I might as well take the girls to the beach for a couple hours. I went to (beach), and thought about calling you to watch us on the web cam.
(dd) is getting good at riding the boogie board with me. I thought no, I normally call you and you are busy. I'll just do the default thing and meet you at (meeting place) at 2:30. I thought I'd give them a quick rinse at (friend's house) and be on my way. I had to chase them around because they didn't want to take a shower at first, they made it into a game.
I told them that you were waiting for Us. So just one crazy day for me. Can't really explain it.
(father)

He is apologizing, which is rare for him, and that's good. But this was only one of the first of many absences. And regarding his logic and lack of management abilities... wow. This is why I think it may be a combination of things.

O.M.G**************that child has spoiled brat at daddy's house written all over her.

 

[LdiJ]

O.M.G**************that child has spoiled brat at daddy's house written all over her.

Plus quite a bit of daddy just wanting to go with the flow as well. No routine, no discipline, just wanting to go with the flow.

This CANNOT continue and has to be stopped. If its dealt with now it will not become a major issue, but if its not, it could be major.

Mom, once again I would encourage you to offer to "make things easier" for dad by picking her up for school. However, if you get no where with that, then I would encourage you to take it back to court. You have a clear pattern of dad not getting the child to school on his days. This is NOT in the child's best interest and could turn into a major problem.

 

[killerzoey]

Plus quite a bit of daddy just wanting to go with the flow as well. No routine, no discipline, just wanting to go with the flow.

This CANNOT continue and has to be stopped. If its dealt with now it will not become a major issue, but if its not, it could be major.

Mom, once again I would encourage you to offer to "make things easier" for dad by picking her up for school. However, if you get no where with that, then I would encourage you to take it back to court. You have a clear pattern of dad not getting the child to school on his days. This is NOT in the child's best interest and could turn into a major problem.

Thank you. I will try what you suggest. It makes sense to me. I see t his as extreme trouble in the making, too.

Did anyone else catch the great line about how he thought I'd want to figure out that our daughter was truant by watching her on the beach webcam? Reality check time.

 

[mistoffolees]

Plus quite a bit of daddy just wanting to go with the flow as well. No routine, no discipline, just wanting to go with the flow.

This CANNOT continue and has to be stopped. If its dealt with now it will not become a major issue, but if its not, it could be major.

Mom, once again I would encourage you to offer to "make things easier" for dad by picking her up for school. However, if you get no where with that, then I would encourage you to take it back to court. You have a clear pattern of dad not getting the child to school on his days. This is NOT in the child's best interest and could turn into a major problem.

Another alternative is to let the school handle it. There are truancy laws and the school might be willing to be the 'bad guy'.

 

[killerzoey]

Another alternative is to let the school handle it. There are truancy laws and the school might be willing to be the 'bad guy'.

Yes, that was my first thought, but it depends on how long they're willing to let it go. They may not take it seriously until next year, and I don't think I'm comfortable with that.

 

[mistoffolees]

Yes, that was my first thought, but it depends on how long they're willing to let it go. They may not take it seriously until next year, and I don't think I'm comfortable with that.

They may not do a lot of things, but you won't know until you talk with them, right?

Most schools take attendance pretty seriously. If you talk to the principal and explain the situation, he may be willing to call the other parent and explain to him the consequences of not having the child there. If so, you might save yourself a lot of hassle.

Of course, the principal might say "it's not our problem, fix it yourself" in which case you haven't lost anything but half an hour of your time.

 

[killerzoey]

They may not do a lot of things, but you won't know until you talk with them, right?

Most schools take attendance pretty seriously. If you talk to the principal and explain the situation, he may be willing to call the other parent and explain to him the consequences of not having the child there. If so, you might save yourself a lot of hassle.

Of course, the principal might say "it's not our problem, fix it yourself" in which case you haven't lost anything but half an hour of your time.

Point well taken.

I was a little reticent to push the school to act other than how they normally would because I was afraid that this could be put in a bad light by his attorney if it came up later. Could this be viewed as meddling or inappropriate? IS it?

 

[mistoffolees]

Point well taken.

I was a little reticent to push the school to act other than how they normally would because I was afraid that this could be put in a bad light by his attorney if it came up later. Could this be viewed as meddling or inappropriate? IS it?

It COULD be viewed as anything. But, realistically, you have evidence that Dad blew off school just to go to the beach and has a history (6 unexcused absences and 2 tardies in 8 weeks) of failing to get the child to school. I doubt if you'd get in any trouble. Besides, Dad doesn't have to know that you suggested it to the school.

To protect yourself, I would certainly have the conversation with Dad first. Explain your concerns and that the child may be held back a year due to school attendance policies - and even mention that the parents can be held liable for truancy. If he fails to act on your concerns, then I don't see how you would realistically get in any trouble for bringing your concerns to the school.

 

[not2cleverRed]

Point well taken.

I was a little reticent to push the school to act other than how they normally would because I was afraid that this could be put in a bad light by his attorney if it came up later. Could this be viewed as meddling or inappropriate? IS it?

While I can understand these as concerns, what you should be concerned with is staying within one standard deviation from normal.

Also, he has just as much ability to contact the school... he chooses not to.

I suggest that you keep open communications with him - clearly he is willing to be very open about his "accidental parenting" (as one parenting book referred to such a loosey goosey approach to parenting). But (1) document this, and (2) remember to communicate with him, in as non-confrontational but firm way as possible, your parenting concerns, and document it as well.

So yes, ask him if it would be "easier" for him for you to pick up dd and take her to school.

If the school sends home "helpful tips" on providing a healthy learning environment on your days, make sure to mention the highlights in a communication with him. (My child's teacher sends home reams of these. Like it'd never occur to a parent to talk about the pictures in the book they're reading, or point at the words.) Look at some parenting books, and if new titles show up at the library that are applicable, mention them to him, and "how helpful" you've found them. "How to tutor your own child" came out in August 2011, for example. It has an idiots guide on how to set up study areas for your home, and how to put together tutoring supplies. (Dad seems a little clueless about such things.)

Strongly urge him to show up for parent/teacher conferences.

Since you have concerns about the local judge's biases, make sure that you have documentation of your concerns.

I am not a judge. I am, however a former educator. Sporadic attendance is not only bad for the truant student, it is bad for the class. Teachers, even kindergarten teachers, have lessons plans based on the idea that the students are there to progress through the lessons; one day's plans are not necessarily independent of the next. Dad is not showing respect for the teacher's time and efforts, and children learn to emulate the behavior their care giver(s) model.

 

[killerzoey]

It COULD be viewed as anything. But, realistically, you have evidence that Dad blew off school just to go to the beach and has a history (6 unexcused absences and 2 tardies in 8 weeks) of failing to get the child to school. I doubt if you'd get in any trouble. Besides, Dad doesn't have to know that you suggested it to the school.

To protect yourself, I would certainly have the conversation with Dad first. Explain your concerns and that the child may be held back a year due to school attendance policies - and even mention that the parents can be held liable for truancy. If he fails to act on your concerns, then I don't see how you would realistically get in any trouble for bringing your concerns to the school.

Make that SEVEN...he kept her home again yesterday.

I have had the above conversation, minus the "held back" part. I will make sure to put it in writing this time, and include that part. Thanks.

 

[killerzoey]

While I can understand these as concerns, what you should be concerned with is staying within one standard deviation from normal.

Also, he has just as much ability to contact the school... he chooses not to.

I suggest that you keep open communications with him - clearly he is willing to be very open about his "accidental parenting" (as one parenting book referred to such a loosey goosey approach to parenting). But (1) document this, and (2) remember to communicate with him, in as non-confrontational but firm way as possible, your parenting concerns, and document it as well.

So yes, ask him if it would be "easier" for him for you to pick up dd and take her to school.

If the school sends home "helpful tips" on providing a healthy learning environment on your days, make sure to mention the highlights in a communication with him. (My child's teacher sends home reams of these. Like it'd never occur to a parent to talk about the pictures in the book they're reading, or point at the words.) Look at some parenting books, and if new titles show up at the library that are applicable, mention them to him, and "how helpful" you've found them. "How to tutor your own child" came out in August 2011, for example. It has an idiots guide on how to set up study areas for your home, and how to put together tutoring supplies. (Dad seems a little clueless about such things.)

Strongly urge him to show up for parent/teacher conferences.

Since you have concerns about the local judge's biases, make sure that you have documentation of your concerns.

I am not a judge. I am, however a former educator. Sporadic attendance is not only bad for the truant student, it is bad for the class. Teachers, even kindergarten teachers, have lessons plans based on the idea that the students are there to progress through the lessons; one day's plans are not necessarily independent of the next. Dad is not showing respect for the teacher's time and efforts, and children learn to emulate the behavior their care giver(s) model.

Thank you. I really appreciate what you wrote. I love the "standard deviation" thing. Going to put that one in my back pocket

I have strongly encouraged him to show up at conferences and also events, and he mostly has. I also have e-mails showing that at the beginning of the school year he and I had several exchanges regarding the morning routine (because he expressed frustration and confusion about how to get her ready and asked for advice)... I have recommended parenting books and even left a few there when I left, which he claims to have read. Unfortunately he tends to get the wrong message a lot from most things he reads. If there's anything in a book that can (when viewed at an extreme angle while squinting) be seen to endorse permissiveness, he will find it and cling to it.

I am always careful to write things in a friendly and non-preaching way, and to make it a two-way, friendly conversation. You know, just talking story about parenting. But I have shared what works for me, such as starting out the year with clear expectations communicated to our daughter, and a set morning routine. I have shared how I manage to untangle her hair, all sorts of things he's' asked. The result is usually that she arrives late, if at all, and her hair's a mess. But I'm just happy if she gets there at all. I can always sneak out at recess and casually put her hair in a ponytail, throw a belt on her if he sends her (yet again) in pants that she has to actively hold up as she walks...ugh.

But I appreciate that you are saying that I need to continue to do this and show that I do this in a friendly way (which I always do), to CMA with the judge. I have slacked a little in documenting as I've been student teaching and working nearly full time (and taking a full course load)... add in parenting two little ones and it's a lot t o juggle, even I have to admit sometimes.