Not-The-Father given Parental Rights??

[mistoffolees]

I am quoting you again so that some of the posters can be reminded that its the mother posting here.

I honestly do not believe that you have anything to worry about. However, one thing that you can do is once you move, don't give him any contact information. There is absolutely nothing illegal about that and it will make it very difficult for him to serve you with anything.

I also think that he is making empty threats.

I would actually encourage Mom to think about the child first rather than her own desire to flee.

Now, it could be that what you're suggesting is what's best for the child. OTOH, it could be that continuing to have some contact with the 'father figure' in her life would be good for the child. Either way, the decision really should be about what's best for the child rather than thinking about how Mom can get away from BF.

 

[mariasusa]

My PERSONAL opinion is the child is only 2 1/2. I would agree with some of the opinions about such a major change with a primary family figure if the child were older, (say he'd played parent for 5 or more years)...but this child will not remember this guy. I don't see moms moving away as so drastic...the child is NOT bonded to a certain place...not like we adults get...but thats just my opinion.

 

[mistoffolees]

My PERSONAL opinion is the child is only 2 1/2. I would agree with some of the opinions about such a major change with a primary family figure if the child were older, (say he'd played parent for 5 or more years)...but this child will not remember this guy. I don't see moms moving away as so drastic...the child is NOT bonded to a certain place...not like we adults get...but thats just my opinion.

That may be - or it may be that the child IS bonded to him. I don't think either of us is qualified to make that assessment. Certainly, the view that someone who leaves a child when the child is 2 1/2 doesn't matter is not true - lots of people are greatly impacted by people who are with them in their early years. Heck, my mother (well into her 80s) insists that she can remember specifics of things from when she was that age.

Since neither of us is qualified to make the assessment, though, we're not going to resolve it here. I am simply suggesting that OP needs to change the viewpoint from "what I want" to "what is best for the child". Then, they need to make an effort to determine what is best for the child (possibly consulting with experts) and then do what's right FOR THE CHILD.

 

[mariasusa]

That may be - or it may be that the child IS bonded to him. I don't think either of us is qualified to make that assessment. Certainly, the view that someone who leaves a child when the child is 2 1/2 doesn't matter is not true - lots of people are greatly impacted by people who are with them in their early years. Heck, my mother (well into her 80s) insists that she can remember specifics of things from when she was that age.

Very valid point...I was going by a person both me and my child were bonded to who disappeared when she was 2 1/2. I deeply resented it myself, on her behalf...much later it seemed to have had zero impact...but everyones' situation is truly different.

Since neither of us is qualified to make the assessment, though, we're not going to resolve it here. I am simply suggesting that OP needs to change the viewpoint from "what I want" to "what is best for the child". Then, they need to make an effort to determine what is best for the child (possibly consulting with experts) and then do what's right FOR THE CHILD.

I agree....absolutely with this advice - its not about what I or any other thinks...its about what is best for this child.

 

[LdiJ]

I would actually encourage Mom to think about the child first rather than her own desire to flee.

Now, it could be that what you're suggesting is what's best for the child. OTOH, it could be that continuing to have some contact with the 'father figure' in her life would be good for the child. Either way, the decision really should be about what's best for the child rather than thinking about how Mom can get away from BF.

Misto, the child is 2 1/2. I don't see it in this child's best interest to be tied to someone who is not actually her parent. If she were 12, and had regarded this man as "dad" all her life, then I could agree that it could be in her best interest to be able to maintain a relationship with him, but not at 2 1/2.

 

[mistoffolees]

Misto, the child is 2 1/2. I don't see it in this child's best interest to be tied to someone who is not actually her parent. If she were 12, and had regarded this man as "dad" all her life, then I could agree that it could be in her best interest to be able to maintain a relationship with him, but not at 2 1/2.

Are you a licensed child psychologist? Then your opinion doesn't matter.


As I said - I'm not taking a position one way or the other. What I'm saying is that they need to figure out what is best for the child - using professional help if necessary.

Furthermore, legally, the guy has the right to file for de facto parent status and can ask for custody or visitation. He's not likely to get custody, but he may get visitation.

 

[LdiJ]

Arkera, please go get yourself a consult with a local family law attorney. You may have to pay for an hour of his/her time, but I think that its important that you hear straight from a local attorney what is or isn't possible. I don't believe that you have anything to worry about but since another poster is insisting that your stbx boyfriend has standing, you need to find out which one of us is correct, and only a local attorney can answer that question with accuracy.

 

[neopandora]

OP - I would also strongly urge you to get a consult with a local attorney.

I can't seem to locate CA specifics on what qualifies as de facto parent, but I believe both Misto and LDiJ are both correct in their answers.

My understanding and familiarity with de facto parent in general is that de facto status generally has a lot of requirements to meet. If it didn't every ex partner or stepparent could claim rights. Even if the boyfriend in this case met the requirement that the Father was not in his life, it is my understanding that there are a lot more requirements to be met.

I am not in CA and my husband (stepdad) is a de facto parent. He can speak the same as I do at schools (get records, give permission,etc.) and even at the doctor's (can get any records, give consent, etc.). However, it really applies in so few situations, it's rare to the extreme.

I mention that because I understand that to prove de facto status involves a more proactive act than just loving and caring for a child in day-to-day activities.

If my husband and I divorced it would not go so far as to see if he had standing in Court because of the bond they share. So, I do agree with Misto that despite the child's young age, Mom needs to consider the bond and see if it merits visitation. Only OP knows if the child's bond with the boyfriend is that of a paternal role.

LDiJ is also correct in one aspect from what I've seen in that custody to a de facto is usually in the absence of both parents. In addition to the bond between my husband and child, that is why we've made the effort to try and establish a de facto status. It is so if something happened to me, it would be a much smoother process for my husband to have custody of my child.

My child's father has had all legal & physical custody removed including visitation and may have no contact with son until adulthood, but his parental rights have not been terminated. I mention this solely so others reading this thread don't misunderstand that a stepparent can be easily placed as a defacto parent and custody choice in the event of custodial parent's death.

 

[Proserpina]

No. The notion that both parents must be absent for de facto parent status to be attained is NOT accurate for CALIFORNIA.

That is NOT CA statute and case law DOES support that.

Also, the actual requirements in CA are not listed statutorily. MISTO is correct there.

But I also encourage OP to speak with an attorney if served with anything.

 

[Just Blue]

What is nuts is playing musical daddy's with your kids. Mom is the one who chose to bring this person into her daughter's life and make him daddy to her kid. She should not have made him her child's father figure. Psychologically, to the child, it doesn't matter what legal relationship he has: mom installed him as psycholocal dad and shouldn't mess around with her kid's head and heart like that.

Oh, PLEASE Shut it!

 

[Proserpina]

Oh, PLEASE Shut it!

I really would love to say that to certain people.

Alas, I don't like being spanked by people I haven't married or dated

 

[Just Blue]

I really would love to say that to certain people.

Alas, I don't like being spanked by people I haven't married or dated

OH! You ARE a naughty girl!

 

[arkera]

I am not playing musical dads with my child, and I omitted the drama-related details because I thought that it had nothing really to do with my legal question.

The legal and bio father is deceased and this stbx is abusive and recently got himself hooked on some bad drugs. Allowing a continued relationship between him and my child would be dangerous and thus not in her best interests.

It's not like I got fed up with him and want to ruin my baby's psyche based on my personal desires. I didn't have any idea that this man would turn out to be such a pathetic mess. Would the nay-sayers prefer that I keep this a$$ in my life just because my baby needs a daddy and he's the only thing she's known?

Somehow that seems a poor excuse.

Thank you to all who stayed on-point though... I do have an appointment with local council to discuss my options should he follow through with his threat.

 

[Just Blue]

I am not playing musical dads with my child, and I omitted the drama-related details because I thought that it had nothing really to do with my legal question.

The legal and bio father is deceased and this stbx is abusive and recently got himself hooked on some bad drugs. Allowing a continued relationship between him and my child would be dangerous and thus not in her best interests.

It's not like I got fed up with him and want to ruin my baby's psyche based on my personal desires. I didn't have any idea that this man would turn out to be such a pathetic mess. Would the nay-sayers prefer that I keep this a$$ in my life just because my baby needs a daddy and he's the only thing she's known?

Somehow that seems a poor excuse.

Thank you to all who stayed on-point though... I do have an appointment with local council to discuss my options should he follow through with his threat.

Charming****************************

 

[LdiJ]

I am not playing musical dads with my child, and I omitted the drama-related details because I thought that it had nothing really to do with my legal question.

The legal and bio father is deceased and this stbx is abusive and recently got himself hooked on some bad drugs. Allowing a continued relationship between him and my child would be dangerous and thus not in her best interests.

It's not like I got fed up with him and want to ruin my baby's psyche based on my personal desires. I didn't have any idea that this man would turn out to be such a pathetic mess. Would the nay-sayers prefer that I keep this a$$ in my life just because my baby needs a daddy and he's the only thing she's known?

Somehow that seems a poor excuse.

Thank you to all who stayed on-point though... I do have an appointment with local council to discuss my options should he follow through with his threat.

You have the constitutional right to decide who is going to have access to your child. That has been decided by the highest court in this country. A judge cannot overturn that lightly.

It would have to be proven that it would seriously harm your child to be cut off from your stbx boyfriend before a judge could even remotely consider giving him access against your will.

I think you will find that the attorney will tell you that its not going to happen.