OSC questioon

[summerdawn]

OSC question

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ca

I was served yesterday with papers that father's attorney filed. In them was just one tidy paragraph, but it asks the court to let them file a supplemental declaration to "go into more detail" before the court date. Their past filings have been really attacking so i'm not even sure what is in store.

Anyways, they have several issues they are filing over:

1. no spanking by either parent. -This is odd to me because I don't spank my children, i'm not sure if I should ignore it completely or just state that I don't spank my children on the response. The weird thing is that the children come home and say that daddy and stepmom get into huge fights during their visits because she yells at him to spank the girls, and he won't, so she gets mad.

2. Child care provided only by adults approved by each parent. Apparently father wants to approve all adults who watch my children in my home. He also does not want me to leave the children with any minors, including my 16 year old and 15 year old son and daughter. I do leave them with my 16 year old sometimes, but I stopped letting my 15 yr old watch them because they told me was teasing them and picking on them. The thought that he thinks both of us should meet and approve anyone who watches the children in both households seems absurd to me, as we have absolutely no contact or communication. I also feel that is is his way of trying to control what goes on in my household. Should I just put this all in my response, or does the part about him controlling what goes on here look inflammatory?

I do agree that there is a child care problem. The girls have told me that when they are at their father's they are put in a bedroom from 4p.m., when their stepmom goes to sleep for her early morning job, and they have to stay there until between 9 and 10 p.m., when their father gets home. My 9 year old watches the 8 and 6 yr olds for 4 to 5 hours in a bedroom with the door shut.

3.Maintain a lice and bedbug free living environment. Yes, our apartment complex had bedbugs-it was through no fault of ours, the neighbors who moved in had it and brought it with them. The health department and a private exterminator came out, we complied with everything we had to do on our part, there are no trace of bedbugs now, and the case has been closed. Should I include paperwork form the health department saying it is closed? Also, the children have gotten lice a few times from school in the last few years, father's legal party is trying to state that they have had lice continuously for 2 years. The school nurse was going to write a letter stating that when the children did have it I took care of it promptly and thoroughly, and they haven't had it for 2 years straight, but then the school nurse found out that it is school policy not to get involved. I'm not sure how I can prove that my children have not had it for 2 years straight and that this is a terrible exaggeration.

Also, father is quick to blame me when they get it but not so quick to help get rid of it. The first time stepmom found out the children had it she refused to let them visit, drove back to my house with them, yelled and screamed at me that I was committing biological warfare and she would sue me if I gave her lice, then let the kids out of the car and told them they couldn't visit that weekend because they had a disease and needed to be quarantined. Is it ok to mention that father is quick to complain but not so quick to help?

He is stating in the court documents that "the first time they got lice, the mother cut their hair into boy haircuts and I worry that it may have harmed their self image". This was in August of 2009, and they didn't get boy hair cuts, they got cute little bobs. I even cut my hair in the same style so that they wouldn't feel awkward. Should I even worry about this?

4. No negative remarks made by the other parent in hearing of the children. I don't speak negatively of father at my house. However, the children have come home telling me that daddy takes them into the bedroom for a "talk" every weekend when they visit. During that time he asks them all kinds of questions about our home life. They say that their visits are fun, but they don't like that part of the visit. It is really upsetting them. 5.Father is asking the courts to put the children in therapy to "help them adjust to the changes in both homes."

6. No moving children out of school district without an agreement or court order in place. I don't understand this because father takes absolutely no part in the children's schooling. If we were to move, it wouldn't be farther away from him, but it would be to a better neighborhood. I can't move immediately due to finances, but should I bring up the moving issue for when it eventually does come up? Because we have a low income, if we were able to move, it would happen fairly quickly and I don't know if we would have time to set a court date to discuss it first. We are not unstable and moving constantly, we have been in this place for almost 4 years and we were in the place before it for 7.

Sorry this is so long. I feel like there is so much info to tackle. I don't want to address the petty stuff, but the important stuff that needs to be worked out. Father and I have not had direct communication since the last mediation session, so I am going to address that first on my response. If we had better communication, father would know a lot of the stuff in his filing is completely inaccurate.

 

[CourtClerk]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ca

I was served yesterday with papers that father's attorney filed. In them was just one tidy paragraph, but it asks the court to let them file a supplemental declaration to "go into more detail" before the court date. Their past filings have been really attacking so i'm not even sure what is in store.

Anyways, they have several issues they are filing over:

1. no spanking by either parent. -This is odd to me because I don't spank my children, i'm not sure if I should ignore it completely or just state that I don't spank my children on the response. The weird thing is that the children come home and say that daddy and stepmom get into huge fights during their visits because she yells at him to spank the girls, and he won't, so she gets mad.

If you don't spank the kids, just say so. In two sentences. Agree, the custodial parent does not engage in corporal punishment.

2. Child care provided only by adults approved by each parent. Apparently father wants to approve all adults who watch my children in my home. He also does not want me to leave the children with any minors, including my 16 year old and 15 year old son and daughter. I do leave them with my 16 year old sometimes, but I stopped letting my 15 yr old watch them because they told me was teasing them and picking on them. The thought that he thinks both of us should meet and approve anyone who watches the children in both households seems absurd to me, as we have absolutely no contact or communication. I also feel that is is his way of trying to control what goes on in my household. Should I just put this all in my response, or does the part about him controlling what goes on here look inflammatory?

Disagree. The children have a 16 year old half sibling who is able to care for the children for short time periods.

I do agree that there is a child care problem. The girls have told me that when they are at their father's they are put in a bedroom from 4p.m., when their stepmom goes to sleep for her early morning job, and they have to stay there until between 9 and 10 p.m., when their father gets home. My 9 year old watches the 8 and 6 yr olds for 4 to 5 hours in a bedroom with the door shut.

This is an issue for court

3.Maintain a lice and bedbug free living environment. Yes, our apartment complex had bedbugs-it was through no fault of ours, the neighbors who moved in had it and brought it with them. The health department and a private exterminator came out, we complied with everything we had to do on our part, there are no trace of bedbugs now, and the case has been closed. Should I include paperwork form the health department saying it is closed? Also, the children have gotten lice a few times from school in the last few years, father's legal party is trying to state that they have had lice continuously for 2 years. The school nurse was going to write a letter stating that when the children did have it I took care of it promptly and thoroughly, and they haven't had it for 2 years straight, but then the school nurse found out that it is school policy not to get involved. I'm not sure how I can prove that my children have not had it for 2 years straight and that this is a terrible exaggeration.

Although gross, you can't control bed bugs or lice. Since you can't control them, it'd be impossible for you to agree to something like this. As for the school nurse volunteering to write you a letter. I can't believe she suggested this. Her superior needs to have a talking to with her about her role as the school nurse.

Also, father is quick to blame me when they get it but not so quick to help get rid of it. The first time stepmom found out the children had it she refused to let them visit, drove back to my house with them, yelled and screamed at me that I was committing biological warfare and she would sue me if I gave her lice, then let the kids out of the car and told them they couldn't visit that weekend because they had a disease and needed to be quarantined. Is it ok to mention that father is quick to complain but not so quick to help?

Quite honestly, I'd take them back home too.

He is stating in the court documents that "the first time they got lice, the mother cut their hair into boy haircuts and I worry that it may have harmed their self image". This was in August of 2009, and they didn't get boy hair cuts, they got cute little bobs. I even cut my hair in the same style so that they wouldn't feel awkward. Should I even worry about this?

So they got their hair cut. Big deal. What I find even stranger is that you cut YOUR hair so they wouldn't feel "awkward." Are you really going to do everything they may have to so they don't feel "awkward?"

4. No negative remarks made by the other parent in hearing of the children. I don't speak negatively of father at my house. However, the children have come home telling me that daddy takes them into the bedroom for a "talk" every weekend when they visit. During that time he asks them all kinds of questions about our home life. They say that their visits are fun, but they don't like that part of the visit. It is really upsetting them.

This should already be part of the existing order if you used the JC's forms.

5.Father is asking the courts to put the children in therapy to "help them adjust to the changes in both homes."

I'll say it again... I can't stand people who want to throw kids in therapy to deal with normal issues. No one else is supposed to raise your kids.

6. No moving children out of school district without an agreement or court order in place. I don't understand this because father takes absolutely no part in the children's schooling. If we were to move, it wouldn't be farther away from him, but it would be to a better neighborhood. I can't move immediately due to finances, but should I bring up the moving issue for when it eventually does come up? Because we have a low income, if we were able to move, it would happen fairly quickly and I don't know if we would have time to set a court date to discuss it first. We are not unstable and moving constantly, we have been in this place for almost 4 years and we were in the place before it for 7.

Disagree. In my case, I could move into the same city, and out of the school district mini-me is in.

Sorry this is so long. I feel like there is so much info to tackle. I don't want to address the petty stuff, but the important stuff that needs to be worked out. Father and I have not had direct communication since the last mediation session, so I am going to address that first on my response. If we had better communication, father would know a lot of the stuff in his filing is completely inaccurate.

*sigh*

 

[mistoffolees]

Anyways, they have several issues they are filing over:

1. no spanking by either parent. -This is odd to me because I don't spank my children, i'm not sure if I should ignore it completely or just state that I don't spank my children on the response. The weird thing is that the children come home and say that daddy and stepmom get into huge fights during their visits because she yells at him to spank the girls, and he won't, so she gets mad.

If you don't spank and don't plan to, then don't object to this. It sound like Dad is going to blame you for being unable to spank the kids: "Sorry, dear, but as much as I agree with you and would spank the kids, my divorce decree says that I can't".

Just play along.

2. Child care provided only by adults approved by each parent. Apparently father wants to approve all adults who watch my children in my home. He also does not want me to leave the children with any minors, including my 16 year old and 15 year old son and daughter. I do leave them with my 16 year old sometimes, but I stopped letting my 15 yr old watch them because they told me was teasing them and picking on them. The thought that he thinks both of us should meet and approve anyone who watches the children in both households seems absurd to me, as we have absolutely no contact or communication. I also feel that is is his way of trying to control what goes on in my household. Should I just put this all in my response, or does the part about him controlling what goes on here look inflammatory?

Don't use inflammatory language, but I would object to that. He shouldn't have the right to dictate who you can use as a sitter. Nor should he be able to object to the 15 or 16 year old watching them. Nor should he be able to insist that only adults can watch the kids.

I do agree that there is a child care problem. The girls have told me that when they are at their father's they are put in a bedroom from 4p.m., when their stepmom goes to sleep for her early morning job, and they have to stay there until between 9 and 10 p.m., when their father gets home. My 9 year old watches the 8 and 6 yr olds for 4 to 5 hours in a bedroom with the door shut.

Sounds to me like you need to talk with Dad. I don't see that trying to cover this with a court order is going to get you anywhere. There's nothing illegal about what they're doing.

3.Maintain a lice and bedbug free living environment. Yes, our apartment complex had bedbugs-it was through no fault of ours, the neighbors who moved in had it and brought it with them. The health department and a private exterminator came out, we complied with everything we had to do on our part, there are no trace of bedbugs now, and the case has been closed. Should I include paperwork form the health department saying it is closed? Also, the children have gotten lice a few times from school in the last few years, father's legal party is trying to state that they have had lice continuously for 2 years. The school nurse was going to write a letter stating that when the children did have it I took care of it promptly and thoroughly, and they haven't had it for 2 years straight, but then the school nurse found out that it is school policy not to get involved. I'm not sure how I can prove that my children have not had it for 2 years straight and that this is a terrible exaggeration.

Also, father is quick to blame me when they get it but not so quick to help get rid of it. The first time stepmom found out the children had it she refused to let them visit, drove back to my house with them, yelled and screamed at me that I was committing biological warfare and she would sue me if I gave her lice, then let the kids out of the car and told them they couldn't visit that weekend because they had a disease and needed to be quarantined. Is it ok to mention that father is quick to complain but not so quick to help?

He is stating in the court documents that "the first time they got lice, the mother cut their hair into boy haircuts and I worry that it may have harmed their self image". This was in August of 2009, and they didn't get boy hair cuts, they got cute little bobs. I even cut my hair in the same style so that they wouldn't feel awkward. Should I even worry about this?

I would object. You have no control over what the neighbors do, nor can you prevent the kids from getting lice at school.

You are required by law to meet applicable health standards - and that should be sufficient.

As for the rest, you REALLY need to learn to have discussions with Dad without letting Stepmom interfere. In fact, I ask that all communications go through him - and that you not be required to communicate with Stepmom and that she not be permitted to communicate with you.

4. No negative remarks made by the other parent in hearing of the children. I don't speak negatively of father at my house. However, the children have come home telling me that daddy takes them into the bedroom for a "talk" every weekend when they visit. During that time he asks them all kinds of questions about our home life. They say that their visits are fun, but they don't like that part of the visit. It is really upsetting them. 5.Father is asking the courts to put the children in therapy to "help them adjust to the changes in both homes."

There's not really anything you can do about that. If he want's to be a craptastic Dad, you can't stop it.

6. No moving children out of school district without an agreement or court order in place. I don't understand this because father takes absolutely no part in the children's schooling. If we were to move, it wouldn't be farther away from him, but it would be to a better neighborhood. I can't move immediately due to finances, but should I bring up the moving issue for when it eventually does come up? Because we have a low income, if we were able to move, it would happen fairly quickly and I don't know if we would have time to set a court date to discuss it first. We are not unstable and moving constantly, we have been in this place for almost 4 years and we were in the place before it for 7.

If you think you might have to move to a different school district and it's better for the kids, then object. Or state, that you can't move the children out of any of district x, y, or z without court approval.

Sorry this is so long. I feel like there is so much info to tackle. I don't want to address the petty stuff, but the important stuff that needs to be worked out. Father and I have not had direct communication since the last mediation session, so I am going to address that first on my response. If we had better communication, father would know a lot of the stuff in his filing is completely inaccurate.

Then insist on him talking to you instead of stepmom.

 

[summerdawn]

If you don't spank the kids, just say so. In two sentences. Agree, the custodial parent does not engage in corporal punishment.

Disagree. The children have a 16 year old half sibling who is able to care for the children for short time periods.

This is an issue for court

Although gross, you can't control bed bugs or lice. Since you can't control them, it'd be impossible for you to agree to something like this. As for the school nurse volunteering to write you a letter. I can't believe she suggested this. Her superior needs to have a talking to with her about her role as the school nurse.

Quite honestly, I'd take them back home too.

1.So they got their hair cut. Big deal. What I find even stranger is that you cut YOUR hair so they wouldn't feel "awkward." Are you really going to do everything they may have to so they don't feel "awkward?"

2.This should already be part of the existing order if you used the JC's forms.

3.I'll say it again... I can't stand people who want to throw kids in therapy to deal with normal issues. No one else is supposed to raise your kids.

Disagree. In my case, I could move into the same city, and out of the school district mini-me is in.

*sigh*

1. To be honest, it was more than just that-we all had thigh length hair and it had just become too much to care for.
2. Now that you mention it, this is already in the previous order(s).
3. From what the girls have told me, father thinks if they go to therapy, they will share things about my house that will enable him to get custody. I, personally, don't think they need therapy. I think they are going through all of the normal range of emotions that kids go through then they are adjusting to something like this.

Thank you so much for your feedback. I will make sure to keep everything short and to the point on my response.

As for the communication, I tried to tackle it last mediation, but the mediator told me to just "take what I can get" and recommended to the judge that we communicate via email, so once again i'm stuck with stepmom doing all of the communication. The first thing I am going to address in mediation is that father and I should have direct communication rather than having to go through stepmom. I haven't actually had any direct communication at all since last mediation.

 

[summerdawn]

If you don't spank and don't plan to, then don't object to this. It sound like Dad is going to blame you for being unable to spank the kids: "Sorry, dear, but as much as I agree with you and would spank the kids, my divorce decree says that I can't".

Just play along.



Don't use inflammatory language, but I would object to that. He shouldn't have the right to dictate who you can use as a sitter. Nor should he be able to object to the 15 or 16 year old watching them. Nor should he be able to insist that only adults can watch the kids.



Sounds to me like you need to talk with Dad. I don't see that trying to cover this with a court order is going to get you anywhere. There's nothing illegal about what they're doing.



I would object. You have no control over what the neighbors do, nor can you prevent the kids from getting lice at school.

You are required by law to meet applicable health standards - and that should be sufficient.

As for the rest, you REALLY need to learn to have discussions with Dad without letting Stepmom interfere. In fact, I ask that all communications go through him - and that you not be required to communicate with Stepmom and that she not be permitted to communicate with you.



There's not really anything you can do about that. If he want's to be a craptastic Dad, you can't stop it.



If you think you might have to move to a different school district and it's better for the kids, then object. Or state, that you can't move the children out of any of district x, y, or z without court approval.



Then insist on him talking to you instead of stepmom.

Thanks, I went into further detail about the stepmom thing, i'm trying again on the next mediation date this month:

As for the communication, I tried to tackle it last mediation, but the mediator told me to just "take what I can get" and recommended to the judge that we communicate via email, so once again i'm stuck with stepmom doing all of the communication. The first thing I am going to address in mediation is that father and I should have direct communication rather than having to go through stepmom. I haven't actually had any direct communication at all since last mediation.

I'm considering just asking for a short phone call every week or two-we've tried a notebook and email and stepmom has taken over each time. I can always tell it is her because she has terrible spelling and grammar.

 

[CourtClerk]

3. From what the girls have told me,

You're having these conversations with these children why, exactly???

 

[summerdawn]

You're having these conversations with these children why, exactly???

It's mostly my 9 year old. She has been coming home really stressed out about the stuff that goes on at her dad's. She's literally a nervous wreck. She sits at the table and tells me how hard it is to watch her sisters for so long in the bedroom, and she tells me about her talks with dad and how she loves him but she hates having the talks. She even tells me about his finances and that he doesn't have money for food sometimes because he has to pay rent, child support, etc. I have a feeling he may be sharing too much about his life with her and I don't even know if there is anything I can do about it.

They didn't open up about their visits at their dad's for a long time, and I don't ask them, but lately they all come home telling me all kinds of stuff on their own. My 8 yr old is constantly telling me she doesn't have to listen to me because daddy says if she isn't happy here he will take her to live at his house where she will be happy and have her own bedroom. I have a feeling that dad and stepmom are telling the girls way too much about the whole situation. They should just be able to visit without all the stress.

 

[Frustrated59]

Third party communiction

This is a tough one. From my experience, decisions pertaining to your children should always be between the actual parents. Now I would not completely disregard the third party because they do play a significant role in raising your children.

All the other stated stuff regarding the filing is chest puffing. Simple reply and be done with it. I doubt you have anything to be concerned with here, so don't lose any sleep over it.

What is the filing? Is this a modification or has it even been determined yet?

 

[Zigner]

This is a tough one. From my experience, decisions pertaining to your children should always be between the actual parents. Now I would not completely disregard the third party because they do play a significant role in raising your children.

All the other stated stuff regarding the filing is chest puffing. Simple reply and be done with it. I doubt you have anything to be concerned with here, so don't lose any sleep over it.

What is the filing? Is this a modification or has it even been determined yet?

Seriously - stop the nonsense. If you don't know the correct LEGAL answer, just stop.

 

[CourtClerk]

It's mostly my 9 year old. She has been coming home really stressed out about the stuff that goes on at her dad's. She's literally a nervous wreck. She sits at the table and tells me how hard it is to watch her sisters for so long in the bedroom, and she tells me about her talks with dad and how she loves him but she hates having the talks. She even tells me about his finances and that he doesn't have money for food sometimes because he has to pay rent, child support, etc. I have a feeling he may be sharing too much about his life with her and I don't even know if there is anything I can do about it.

They didn't open up about their visits at their dad's for a long time, and I don't ask them, but lately they all come home telling me all kinds of stuff on their own. My 8 yr old is constantly telling me she doesn't have to listen to me because daddy says if she isn't happy here he will take her to live at his house where she will be happy and have her own bedroom. I have a feeling that dad and stepmom are telling the girls way too much about the whole situation. They should just be able to visit without all the stress.

You shouldn't be having the conversations regarding support, their bills, etc. with this child. Neither should he. Maybe they do need someone impartial to speak to because both of you are listening to these stories with other motives.

 

[summerdawn]

You shouldn't be having the conversations regarding support, their bills, etc. with this child. Neither should he. Maybe they do need someone impartial to speak to because both of you are listening to these stories with other motives.

I have to admit that it really does upset me to hear some of the stuff she tells me. My husband and I and our teenagers had recently signed up for a family counseling thing through our church because of some fairly severe issues my son is having. We are supposed to start this month.We didn't involve the girls because they are so young. Now I don't know if I should just wait for the courts or see if the therapist can counsel the girls as well.

My 9 yr old is not stupid. She comes home telling me that they don't have money for food, and stepmom has her or 8 yr old call me to pick them up because they don't have gas money to bring the girls back home, but 9 will actually say to me "but daddy always has money for beer and cigarettes." I asked her if daddy or stepmom think this is a problem and she said "No, it is just something I am noticing." The last two visits she was literally shaking and anxious when she came home from her visit. I don't say anything bad to her about her daddy or sm when she talks to me, but I do mentally file it away in case I need to bring it up in court. Some of the stuff she comes home saying is really upsetting.

 

[MichaCA]

I have had really similar experiences re the child returning from the other parents and venting. Some people (unrelated to our situation) say that children will say things to please the parent but with our daughter - I don't buy that. She is also intelligent...communicative...and would just share. Some of the things I could say "well, it sounds like your dad is doing what a parent would do". Some of the things I'd have to zip my mouth and just say "uhuh".

The reason I say all of this is no one took me/her seriously. Our story turned south...and their relationship is in crisis and finally being dealt with.

I don't know how you feel about coparent counseling. I have hated it because its been ineffective for us and is expensive. However CA loves to order it. Once again, we are doing coparent counseling, however I do like this therapist. If you and ex had this therapist you would learn how to communicate about the children in a business like manner, how to discuss issues, etc (we can only do this with her...not on our own). The deal is, she sees where there is oversharing going on, spells out where there is inappropriate or bad parenting...she would get the 9 years olds issues.

My advice is in your response, request coparent counseling (it would help if you could get some really good referrals - counselors who work in high conflict divorce situations - to list in your response as possibilities)every other week for six months or something. When (if) you request that...suggest that individual counseling for the 9 year old can be addressed with the counselor. The issue of you and dad communicating via email without stepmom could be addressed in coparent counseling.

I agree with other peoples advice, except #2 - I wonder if it would not be appropriate to request dad provide childcare for the 6, 8, and 9 year old so that they don't have to be stuck in a room from 4-9/10 pm, and so that the 9 year old can unload that responsibility as it is very much stressing her. But I do agree about disagreeing to you each have to agree who provides that care.

I liked Misto's advice on the lice..."both parents do what is permitted by law"...so some of these you can say you agree...like #1.

In mediation, bring up communication again. Say you appreciate the recommendation for emailing each other...however you and DAD are not communicating with each other...please recommend specifically that the email is to be used only by mom and dad to communicate about the children.

Sorry so long - I hope that helps. He sounds kind of wacko...however SOME of the issues he brought up are issues that perhaps need to get addressed better - focus on need for communication and coparent counseling, and for 9 year old to get out of the childcare situation...is all my personal opinion.

 

[LdiJ]

I am weighing in here too....

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Ca

I was served yesterday with papers that father's attorney filed. In them was just one tidy paragraph, but it asks the court to let them file a supplemental declaration to "go into more detail" before the court date. Their past filings have been really attacking so i'm not even sure what is in store.

Anyways, they have several issues they are filing over:

1. no spanking by either parent. -This is odd to me because I don't spank my children, i'm not sure if I should ignore it completely or just state that I don't spank my children on the response. The weird thing is that the children come home and say that daddy and stepmom get into huge fights during their visits because she yells at him to spank the girls, and he won't, so she gets mad.

Agreed. I do not spank the children and agree that neither of us should. (I also agree with Misto that dad probably want off the hook with stepmom about spanking.)

2. Child care provided only by adults approved by each parent. Apparently father wants to approve all adults who watch my children in my home. He also does not want me to leave the children with any minors, including my 16 year old and 15 year old son and daughter. I do leave them with my 16 year old sometimes, but I stopped letting my 15 yr old watch them because they told me was teasing them and picking on them. The thought that he thinks both of us should meet and approve anyone who watches the children in both households seems absurd to me, as we have absolutely no contact or communication. I also feel that is is his way of trying to control what goes on in my household. Should I just put this all in my response, or does the part about him controlling what goes on here look inflammatory?

Disagree. It is not reasonable to give either parent that much control over the other parent's household and there are teens in my household that are capable of providing short term babysitting.

I do agree that there is a child care problem. The girls have told me that when they are at their father's they are put in a bedroom from 4p.m., when their stepmom goes to sleep for her early morning job, and they have to stay there until between 9 and 10 p.m., when their father gets home. My 9 year old watches the 8 and 6 yr olds for 4 to 5 hours in a bedroom with the door shut.

You could add an additional response to that point saying that even though you believe that neither parent should have that kind of control, you do have some concern over the fact that the 9 year old is required to provide care for her younger siblings from 4:00 in the afternoon until 9:00 or 10:00 in the evening when their father returns from work, because father's wife must go to bed a 4:00 in the afternoon due to her job.

3.Maintain a lice and bedbug free living environment. Yes, our apartment complex had bedbugs-it was through no fault of ours, the neighbors who moved in had it and brought it with them. The health department and a private exterminator came out, we complied with everything we had to do on our part, there are no trace of bedbugs now, and the case has been closed. Should I include paperwork form the health department saying it is closed? Also, the children have gotten lice a few times from school in the last few years, father's legal party is trying to state that they have had lice continuously for 2 years. The school nurse was going to write a letter stating that when the children did have it I took care of it promptly and thoroughly, and they haven't had it for 2 years straight, but then the school nurse found out that it is school policy not to get involved. I'm not sure how I can prove that my children have not had it for 2 years straight and that this is a terrible exaggeration.

Also, father is quick to blame me when they get it but not so quick to help get rid of it. The first time stepmom found out the children had it she refused to let them visit, drove back to my house with them, yelled and screamed at me that I was committing biological warfare and she would sue me if I gave her lice, then let the kids out of the car and told them they couldn't visit that weekend because they had a disease and needed to be quarantined. Is it ok to mention that father is quick to complain but not so quick to help?

He is stating in the court documents that "the first time they got lice, the mother cut their hair into boy haircuts and I worry that it may have harmed their self image". This was in August of 2009, and they didn't get boy hair cuts, they got cute little bobs. I even cut my hair in the same style so that they wouldn't feel awkward. Should I even worry about this?

Disagree. Explain the bed bug situation. Then explain that the children have caught lice at school a few times and that you have fully dealt with the situation each time. If you can provide time frames (ie march of 2009, may of 2010) even better. If you can state that the children were re-admitted to school within XXX days each time that would also be helpful. I dealt with the lice bit three times during my daughter's elementary years and it was a MAJOR pain each time...and each time, I caught it as well.

Hint for mom's when the lice bit hits...coloring your hair gets rid of it even better than the medical treatments.

4. No negative remarks made by the other parent in hearing of the children. I don't speak negatively of father at my house. However, the children have come home telling me that daddy takes them into the bedroom for a "talk" every weekend when they visit. During that time he asks them all kinds of questions about our home life. They say that their visits are fun, but they don't like that part of the visit. It is really upsetting them. 5.Father is asking the courts to put the children in therapy to "help them adjust to the changes in both homes."

Agree. I do not speak negatively about the children's father and assume he would not do so about me either. I do not believe that the children need therapy but have no objection to it if the court believes that it is in their best interest.

6. No moving children out of school district without an agreement or court order in place. I don't understand this because father takes absolutely no part in the children's schooling. If we were to move, it wouldn't be farther away from him, but it would be to a better neighborhood. I can't move immediately due to finances, but should I bring up the moving issue for when it eventually does come up? Because we have a low income, if we were able to move, it would happen fairly quickly and I don't know if we would have time to set a court date to discuss it first. We are not unstable and moving constantly, we have been in this place for almost 4 years and we were in the place before it for 7.

Disagree. I believe that this is overly restrictive. I have lived in the same place for 4 years and prior to that, lived in the same place for 7 years. I would not move unless it was to a better neighborhood with better schools.

Sorry this is so long. I feel like there is so much info to tackle. I don't want to address the petty stuff, but the important stuff that needs to be worked out. Father and I have not had direct communication since the last mediation session, so I am going to address that first on my response. If we had better communication, father would know a lot of the stuff in his filing is completely inaccurate.

I would add an additional point at the end that you believe it would be in the children's best interest if you and dad were able to communicate directly regarding the children. State something along the lines of "unfortunately any communication with dad seems to go through the stepmother, and you believe that it is hindering effective co-parenting. Then ask that you and dad only be ordered to co-parenting counseling.

 

[mistoffolees]

You could add an additional response to that point saying that even though you believe that neither parent should have that kind of control, you do have some concern over the fact that the 9 year old is required to provide care for her younger siblings from 4:00 in the afternoon until 9:00 or 10:00 in the evening when their father returns from work, because father's wife must go to bed a 4:00 in the afternoon due to her job.

To me, that's not the biggest issue. The biggest issue is that they're all put into a bedroom at 4:00 and not allowed to leave.

 

[stealth2]

Why is it not okay for your older kids to babysit the younger ones at your house, but okay for the 9yo to babysit younger siblings at his house? If that clause of his IS agreed to (the one about adults only), he'll have to abide by it, too.