OT ---- But something that I've noticed...

[Whyte Noise]

What is the name of your state? Any and all

Why is it that when a non-custodial mother asks for advice, one of the first questions asked is... "Why did you lose custody anyways?"

I'm not picking on any one poster on here, as I've seen it asked numerous times... I just wonder what the reason for asking it is. I mean, when a man comes here as an NCP and asks for advice, we don't automatically ask them, "So... why did you lose custody?" do we?

I know, I'll probably get responses such as "It might play a role in advising the OP... depending on WHY they lost custody... neglect, abuse, drugs or alcohol..." etc. and that's a valid argument to some extent I suppose. But... shouldn't we be asking that of the NCP fathers that come here too? Wouldn't it help to know why THEY don't have custody? Why wouldn't we want to know if THEY abused, neglected, did drugs or alcohol, etc. like we do with the moms?

This is something that just really perturbs me. As a non-custodial mom, the stigma that comes with that label is that if a mother doesn't have custody of their children, then they must be some horrible monster that HAD to abuse, neglect, beat, deprive, or some other awful thing to not have custody. When we see/hear/advise a NC dad we don't think twice about the reason WHY he doesn't have custody, it's not even asked. But when it's a NC mom, the first thing that pops into a person's head is "Oh my God! What did she do to lose custody?!" as if a mom couldn't have possibly thought with her head and not her heart and did what was best for her children at the time, and GIVE, not "lose" custody to the father.

I have 3 children with my ex, and have been a NC mom for 4 years to 2 of them. I'm also the CP mom to 1 of them. Sometimes folks do put what their children need above what they want. It happens. And in the past 4 years, most of the NC mothers I have met, spoken with, and associated with didn't "lose" custody because they were Joan Crawford clones or CPS's worst nightmare come true. They realized that what was in their children's best interest was somethng they couldn't give them at the time, so the children went with the parent that could. That's what happened in my case as well.

It just seems like a double standard to me. Yes, it's not the norm for a mom to not have custody, and yes sometimes they don't have custody because of neglect, abuse, and other issues. But... is it fair to them to automatically assume something like that, and question them about why they don't have custody? I don't think it is. Or... if it IS fair, then we should also be questioning the fathers as to why they don't have custody as well because something had to have happened for them to not have custody too. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

OK, I'm done. Just had to get that out.

 

[nextwife]

I agree. I see responding in a way that implies a PROBLEM with the male parent being the CP as sexist. Unless we ask all the male NCPs "Why does she have custody blah, blah, blah" we should not ask that of female NCPs.

 

[stealth2]

I think a lot depends on the situation and the question being asked.

 

[tigger22472]

. I cannot tell you how many times a doctor or school still wouldn't interact with my hubby based on his non custodial status even after he FAXed them a court order. It's stupid cuz by then he probably was spending almost as much time trying to actively parent his kids as cp was.

I know that feeling.. My husband has complete joint legal AND physical (two weeks at each home) and yet because she goes to school where her mom lives (we're barely out of that elementary school district and in a small town) they will ONLY call her. My sd has sat in the office ALL afternoon sick before because they couldn't get ahold of mom when dad's number is on the registration card. They wouldn't even release her from school. I showed up at mom's get pick up sd and her brother was on the phone with the school as they were calling mom's AGAIN. Of course they released her to me because they all wanted to go home! Trust me Dad went in and made a scene after that.

 

[kidoday]

Tigger the school does that with my daughters too. They never call the girls dad, and as you know I have the same parenting schedule your dh has. I even list his phone at home, cell phone, and work phone. Yet they never ever call one of them. Of course he gets angry but not at the school, like I can control who they call.

 

[tigger22472]

Tigger the school does that with my daughters too. They never call the girls dad, and as you know I have the same parenting schedule your dh has. I even list his phone at home, cell phone, and work phone. Yet they never ever call one of them. Of course he gets angry but not at the school, like I can control who they call.

The first thing DH did was to reassure that our number was on the card, however, we knew it was because not long prior to that we had our number changed and I personally went to all the schools to make sure they had them. DH wasn't upset with his ex because he knew it wasn't her fault, you're right she had no control who they called. However, after he told the school off about it, he had her go there and make sure they knew she felt the same way. She had previously had a problem with her son's dad and they weren't to release the child to his dad supposably so we assumed they thought the same about her daughter even though they knew they had different fathers. They were just lucky that she wasn't severely sick. To top things off... that particular time was dad's time anyways.

MG, you know I agree with you on this as we've had this discussion many times.

 

[kidoday]

Here's a good one that ticks my ex off. When he deals with the FOC is is considered the NCP. We have shared custody, but because he pays support he automatically got that titel.

 

[tigger22472]

Here's a good one that ticks my ex off. When he deals with the FOC is is considered the NCP. We have shared custody, but because he pays support he automatically got that titel.

That shows the ignorance!! A few years ago I took sd to school the first day of school and I had applied for free lunch for the kids (it was right after dh's accident). I applied at one of the other schools and it was awarded but I wanted to be sure her school knew. I had a lady in the office tell me that she didn't have any information on it...however..."XXX, the CUSTODIAL PARENT (and yes she did emphasize those words) would need to apply". That set me off. I got in the woman's face and told her there WAS NO CUSTODIAL PARENT per se and I was ONLY confirming they would feed this child because if not I would bring her something. The woman backed down and shut up..

 

[kidoday]

How about the information forms the kids have to bring home from school that ask who is the cp? I just leave it blank. Now I do like the spot where it asks if there are any custodial issues. I don't have anythig to worry about, but when my sd was living with me I always had to put something in that spot.

 

[tigger22472]

How about the information forms the kids have to bring home from school that ask who is the cp? I just leave it blank. Now I do like the spot where it asks if there are any custodial issues. I don't have anythig to worry about, but when my sd was living with me I always had to put something in that spot.

I've never seen such a thing with any of my kids. Isn't that kind of discrimitory(sp)? I mean both parents have equal rights to information and to visit or volunteer at the school unless otherwise noted and I believe that is up to the CP to advise the school about.

 

[kidoday]

The papers that I sign even ask if there is an additional person to send report cards and info too. I always put his name down because I know they wouldn't do it otherwise.

 

[tigger22472]

The papers that I sign even ask if there is an additional person to send report cards and info too. I always put his name down because I know they wouldn't do it otherwise.

SD's teacher asked this year if she should send 2 copies of things and DH told her yes but we're yet to see anything. The big test will probably be when they do pictures.

 

[kidoday]

My girls know to bring home two picture things or two of anything they think is important. But then my girls are a lot older than your sd.

Thankfully my ex and I shared a package this year, the dang things are outrageously expensive.

 

[tigger22472]

My girls know to bring home two picture things or two of anything they think is important. But then my girls are a lot older than your sd.

Thankfully my ex and I shared a package this year, the dang things are outrageously expensive.

I know, last year I couldn't afford them because I had to get plates for my car and I just couldn't afford another 90$. The cheapest package with an 8X10 is usually 30$ each. This year I'm lucky ... each kids pictures are far enough apart that I can afford it.

 

[carofl93]

My hubby is CP of his 8 yo daughter because her mother refused to follow any orders that the Judge gave...not to mention the fact that she couldn't keep track of all of her lies. It took us 2 long years to get a custody change simply because he is a man. Still waiting on CSE to do something for us after a full year of non-payment as well. I think it's just as hard for a man to get primary custody as it is for a woman to lose it.
We don't have a phone number or an address for bio-mom and haven't heard from her via phone or mail in over a year...hubby did get an email a while back, but there's no proof of who really did the emailing. When we fill out the school forms we put hubby's work number and our home number because I am a SAHM with a notation that she is not to be released to bio-mom or stepdad due to a court order.
As for the picture issue...school pics are sooo freakin pricey. We go to Walmart and have a package done there because it's so much cheaper...especially when they have a deal going on. We do send pics and copies of schoolwork and report cards to the last address we have (about 2 years old).
What a mess.