Parenting time when distance is a factor

[ohyeah]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? IN (Indianapolis)

I'm new to all of this. My ex-girlfriend recently lost/gave physical custody of our 3 year old to me. She wanted to move out of Indy to Madison, Wisconsin so I disputed the move. She was given the choice to stay in Indy and keep custody or leave and relinquish custody to myself. She chose the latter and I now have physical custody and joint legal (still).

I did this pro se, so I don't have a lawyer I can ask about this. They didn't set up a visitation schedule while we were there (idk why though), so I guess it's up to myself and my child's mother to figure that out? So I guess my question is if you all could tell me if what I came up with is fair. I know she doesn't have to agree to anything I come up with and vice versa, but I want to be fair and have something reasonable before I present it with her.

I came up with a couple different options.
Here's option 1:
Mother will have the child from 6pm on Friday until 6pm the following Sunday, on the first and third weekends of the month.
Mother will have holidays on even years, father on odd.
Mother will have the child for 3 non-consecutive weeks during the summer.

Option 2:
Mother will have the child from 6pm on Friday until 6pm on the following Tuesday, the first weekend of every month.
Mother will have holidays on even years, father on odd.
Mother will have the child for 2 non-consecutive 10 day periods during the summer, seperated by at least 2 weeks.

Option 3:
Mother will have the child from 6pm on Friday until 6pm the following Friday, the first Friday of the month. This would be every other month. Then the months she doesn't have the child for a week she will have him one weekend, from Friday at 6p - Sunday at 6p.
Mother will have holidays on even years, father on odd.
Mother will have the child for 2 consecutive weeks during the summer.

Any thoughts? She hasn't told me what visitation she expects so I'm not sure how much/little she is going to be asking for. But I wanted to be prepared with suggestions.

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? IN (Indianapolis)

I'm new to all of this. My ex-girlfriend recently lost/gave physical custody of our 3 year old to me. She wanted to move out of Indy to Madison, Wisconsin so I disputed the move. She was given the choice to stay in Indy and keep custody or leave and relinquish custody to myself. She chose the latter and I now have physical custody and joint legal (still).

I did this pro se, so I don't have a lawyer I can ask about this. They didn't set up a visitation schedule while we were there (idk why though), so I guess it's up to myself and my child's mother to figure that out? So I guess my question is if you all could tell me if what I came up with is fair. I know she doesn't have to agree to anything I come up with and vice versa, but I want to be fair and have something reasonable before I present it with her.

I came up with a couple different options.
Here's option 1:
Mother will have the child from 6pm on Friday until 6pm the following Sunday, on the first and third weekends of the month.
Mother will have holidays on even years, father on odd.
Mother will have the child for 3 non-consecutive weeks during the summer.

Option 2:
Mother will have the child from 6pm on Friday until 6pm on the following Tuesday, the first weekend of every month.
Mother will have holidays on even years, father on odd.
Mother will have the child for 2 non-consecutive 10 day periods during the summer, seperated by at least 2 weeks.

Option 3:
Mother will have the child from 6pm on Friday until 6pm the following Friday, the first Friday of the month. This would be every other month. Then the months she doesn't have the child for a week she will have him one weekend, from Friday at 6p - Sunday at 6p.
Mother will have holidays on even years, father on odd.
Mother will have the child for 2 consecutive weeks during the summer.

Any thoughts? She hasn't told me what visitation she expects so I'm not sure how much/little she is going to be asking for. But I wanted to be prepared with suggestions.

Okay, so we're talking about a 340-ish mile distance?

Dad, have you looked (googled?) at the Indiana Parenting Guidelines?

Who is going to be responsible for transportation?

How will it work once kiddo is in school?

 

[SESmama]

Also, would you really not want to see your child for at least some of the holidays during a year? Better option is to alternate the holidays within the year rather than alternating the years.

 

[stealth2]

With a similar distance, my ex got 1 w/e a month, all summer minus two weeks, and alternating holidays. We split transportation.

I would not accept any of your plans, if I were the NCP.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? IN (Indianapolis)

I'm new to all of this. My ex-girlfriend recently lost/gave physical custody of our 3 year old to me. She wanted to move out of Indy to Madison, Wisconsin so I disputed the move. She was given the choice to stay in Indy and keep custody or leave and relinquish custody to myself. She chose the latter and I now have physical custody and joint legal (still).

I did this pro se, so I don't have a lawyer I can ask about this. They didn't set up a visitation schedule while we were there (idk why though), so I guess it's up to myself and my child's mother to figure that out? So I guess my question is if you all could tell me if what I came up with is fair. I know she doesn't have to agree to anything I come up with and vice versa, but I want to be fair and have something reasonable before I present it with her.

I came up with a couple different options.
Here's option 1:
Mother will have the child from 6pm on Friday until 6pm the following Sunday, on the first and third weekends of the month.
Mother will have holidays on even years, father on odd.
Mother will have the child for 3 non-consecutive weeks during the summer.

Option 2:
Mother will have the child from 6pm on Friday until 6pm on the following Tuesday, the first weekend of every month.
Mother will have holidays on even years, father on odd.
Mother will have the child for 2 non-consecutive 10 day periods during the summer, seperated by at least 2 weeks.

Option 3:
Mother will have the child from 6pm on Friday until 6pm the following Friday, the first Friday of the month. This would be every other month. Then the months she doesn't have the child for a week she will have him one weekend, from Friday at 6p - Sunday at 6p.
Mother will have holidays on even years, father on odd.
Mother will have the child for 2 consecutive weeks during the summer.

Any thoughts? She hasn't told me what visitation she expects so I'm not sure how much/little she is going to be asking for. But I wanted to be prepared with suggestions.

Dad, did you guys have a previous order, and did that order, order you to follow the ITPG? If so, most likely following the ITPG still stands. Look at the "when long distance is a factor" section. That is what a judge would order if you and she cannot come to an agreement.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? IN (Indianapolis)

I'm new to all of this. My ex-girlfriend recently lost/gave physical custody of our 3 year old to me. She wanted to move out of Indy to Madison, Wisconsin so I disputed the move. She was given the choice to stay in Indy and keep custody or leave and relinquish custody to myself. She chose the latter and I now have physical custody and joint legal (still).

I did this pro se, so I don't have a lawyer I can ask about this. They didn't set up a visitation schedule while we were there (idk why though), so I guess it's up to myself and my child's mother to figure that out? So I guess my question is if you all could tell me if what I came up with is fair. I know she doesn't have to agree to anything I come up with and vice versa, but I want to be fair and have something reasonable before I present it with her.

I came up with a couple different options.
Here's option 1:
Mother will have the child from 6pm on Friday until 6pm the following Sunday, on the first and third weekends of the month.
Mother will have holidays on even years, father on odd.
Mother will have the child for 3 non-consecutive weeks during the summer.

Option 2:
Mother will have the child from 6pm on Friday until 6pm on the following Tuesday, the first weekend of every month.
Mother will have holidays on even years, father on odd.
Mother will have the child for 2 non-consecutive 10 day periods during the summer, seperated by at least 2 weeks.

Option 3:
Mother will have the child from 6pm on Friday until 6pm the following Friday, the first Friday of the month. This would be every other month. Then the months she doesn't have the child for a week she will have him one weekend, from Friday at 6p - Sunday at 6p.
Mother will have holidays on even years, father on odd.
Mother will have the child for 2 consecutive weeks during the summer.

Any thoughts? She hasn't told me what visitation she expects so I'm not sure how much/little she is going to be asking for. But I wanted to be prepared with suggestions.

What is the distance?

Did mom do ANY communications with you?

Look in the Indiana parenting plan for a long distance plan.

Look into virtual parenting time to include:
webcam access
phone calls
other means

Definitely alternate holidays ... and make sure that both parties have a right to uninterrupted parenting time to go on vacation.

 

[ohyeah]

Okay, so we're talking about a 340-ish mile distance?

Dad, have you looked (googled?) at the Indiana Parenting Guidelines?

Who is going to be responsible for transportation?

How will it work once kiddo is in school?

Yes, I've looked at the IPTG. I was just trying to figure out a schedule that would allow his mother to see him more often instead of 7 days every 6 weeks. I thought I was being fair based on the visitation I was receiving. I never even looked at the IPTG before, didn't really know they existed to be honest. My visitation before she gave up physical custody was the second Friday of the month at 6p to Tuesday at 6p. Then I was allowed every Wednesday from 12p-6p. We shared holidays. She got until 12pm on each holiday and I got 1p-9a on even holidays and then switched on odd. We didn't do anything different for summer.

I have agreed to meet her half-way for pick up/drop off. I guess we'll do EOW and school holidays when school starts. Is that fair?

 

[ohyeah]

Also, would you really not want to see your child for at least some of the holidays during a year? Better option is to alternate the holidays within the year rather than alternating the years.

I guess I didn't really think about the Holiday thing that much. I think your idea is much better.

 

[ohyeah]

With a similar distance, my ex got 1 w/e a month, all summer minus two weeks, and alternating holidays. We split transportation.

I would not accept any of your plans, if I were the NCP.

Okay. I just thought it would be better for both of them if they had more frequent visitation opposed to longer visits in the summer. I will add this to my suggestions. When your child did the all summer (minus 2 weeks) was it all at the same time or was it split up into segments?

 

[ohyeah]

Dad, did you guys have a previous order, and did that order, order you to follow the ITPG? If so, most likely following the ITPG still stands. Look at the "when long distance is a factor" section. That is what a judge would order if you and she cannot come to an agreement.

No we didn't. We just agreed on visitation out of court. The only time we've gone to court was to establish paternity/child support and then when I disputed her move and was given custody.

 

[ohyeah]

What is the distance?

Did mom do ANY communications with you?

Look in the Indiana parenting plan for a long distance plan.

Look into virtual parenting time to include:
webcam access
phone calls
other means

Definitely alternate holidays ... and make sure that both parties have a right to uninterrupted parenting time to go on vacation.

Mapquest says 331 miles or 5 hours and 43 minutes. I'm not sure how long it will actually take to drive all the way or half way, as we have not done any visitation yet.

I'm not sure what you mean by communications? Sorry if I sound dumb.

 

[LdiJ]

Yes, I've looked at the IPTG. I was just trying to figure out a schedule that would allow his mother to see him more often instead of 7 days every 6 weeks. I thought I was being fair based on the visitation I was receiving. I never even looked at the IPTG before, didn't really know they existed to be honest. My visitation before she gave up physical custody was the second Friday of the month at 6p to Tuesday at 6p. Then I was allowed every Wednesday from 12p-6p. We shared holidays. She got until 12pm on each holiday and I got 1p-9a on even holidays and then switched on odd. We didn't do anything different for summer.

I have agreed to meet her half-way for pick up/drop off. I guess we'll do EOW and school holidays when school starts. Is that fair?

Dad, of course that is fair but with the distance, its probably unrealistic. Until the child starts school you could give mom one full week a month if both of you can afford the travel expenses (heck you could even do a 50/50 timeshare if you both can afford it, alternating every two weeks) but here is the real problem....Once the child starts school he will have to deal with suddenly seeing his mom much less than he does now. That will be a real hardship on him. You are in Indianapolis and even if mom is at the most southeastern border of WI you are talking a 5 hour distance. Its not impossible for weekends but its unrealistic for every other weekend. Setting the precedence now just sets your child up for additional heartbreak in a couple of years.

A workable schedule would be to give mom the bulk of school holidays. There is at least one 3 or 4 day school holiday every month...you could give her all of those and most of Thanksgiving break (rotate Thursday) and at least one week at Christmas, more if your school calendar puts Christmas early in the break. You can give her every Spring Break and maybe 3/4ths of the summer (don't give her all summer, you need some vacation time with the child too).

Basically I am recommending a schedule that gives mom a 3-4 day weekend parenting time with the child monthly, with more extended time for holidays and summer. That is something that can be maintained once the child starts school, so it won't be a huge transition/heartbreak for the child in a couple of years.

Yes, I know that your child is probably missing mom right now...and that is hard for your child. However, your child is going to adjust to that, but you don't want him to have to make a major adjustment again in a couple of years. One major adjustment in the life of a child is hard enough for a child. Don't make the child go through multiple ones.

 

[BigMouthWino]

No we didn't. We just agreed on visitation out of court. The only time we've gone to court was to establish paternity/child support and then when I disputed her move and was given custody.

I certainly hope that if you have a child support order against you that you're preparing to go back into court to have it extinguished and attempt to have a support order entered against Mom now that you're the primary caregiver and since she essentially abandoned her child to move 300+ miles away for some (I'm sure) selfish reason.

 

[ohyeah]

Dad, of course that is fair but with the distance, its probably unrealistic. Until the child starts school you could give mom one full week a month if both of you can afford the travel expenses (heck you could even do a 50/50 timeshare if you both can afford it, alternating every two weeks) but here is the real problem....Once the child starts school he will have to deal with suddenly seeing his mom much less than he does now. That will be a real hardship on him. You are in Indianapolis and even if mom is at the most southeastern border of WI you are talking a 5 hour distance. Its not impossible for weekends but its unrealistic for every other weekend. Setting the precedence now just sets your child up for additional heartbreak in a couple of years.

A workable schedule would be to give mom the bulk of school holidays. There is at least one 3 or 4 day school holiday every month...you could give her all of those and most of Thanksgiving break (rotate Thursday) and at least one week at Christmas, more if your school calendar puts Christmas early in the break. You can give her every Spring Break and maybe 3/4ths of the summer (don't give her all summer, you need some vacation time with the child too).

Basically I am recommending a schedule that gives mom a 3-4 day weekend parenting time with the child monthly, with more extended time for holidays and summer. That is something that can be maintained once the child starts school, so it won't be a huge transition/heartbreak for the child in a couple of years.

Yes, I know that your child is probably missing mom right now...and that is hard for your child. However, your child is going to adjust to that, but you don't want him to have to make a major adjustment again in a couple of years. One major adjustment in the life of a child is hard enough for a child. Don't make the child go through multiple ones.

That makes perfect sense and I'm an idiot for not thinking of it myself. Neither of us can afford to drive that much, that often. So I guess that's out of the question. Thank you for your advice. He will be starting Preschool this August, would I be in trouble for truancy if he missed 1-2 days a month for her visitation (if he doesn't have a "vacation" that month)? I'm sorry if this all sounds really stupid, I am so new to all of this stuff. I'm used to being on the other side of things and I just want to do things right now that I'm on the other side.

So taking your advice (and others) into account this is what I should present to her?

One 4 day "weekend" a month.
3/4ths of school holidays.
35 days in the summer (June 15th-July 20th) That leaves me with 2 weeks during the summer. June 12-14 and July 21-July 31

Is that better?

 

[Proserpina]

I certainly hope that if you have a child support order against you that you're preparing to go back into court to have it extinguished and attempt to have a support order entered against Mom now that you're the primary caregiver and since she essentially abandoned her child to move 300+ miles away for some (I'm sure) selfish reason.

Certainly living up to your name tonight, aren't you?

Please return the crystal ball. It's been missing for Quite Some Time.