Please don't eat me alive with this question

[LdiJ]

Thank you to all who have responded.

I am having a hard time responding without getting into all the "drama" that might be involved and I soooo want to stay away from that on this forum....this is why it hard to respond right now.

The details of our agreement helps him and I both given the circumstances. If something is taken away from me, I will not be able to make the house payment and it will affect him. Yes. I have had a job (very low paying but it is a job) since before we actually divorced (did not have one when we were in mediation though). When I got the job I asked him if he wanted to re-figure CS & SS but he said no. You see, I have the house but it is underwater. The SS, CS and my job helps pay for it to not get foreclosed. The mortgage is in his name. I do not ask him for anything extra for the girls. I pay for it all. Camp, glasses, all dr's appointments, maintanence on the house, extra-curriculars, etc, etc, etc. He and I both "know" that by me paying it "all" is him still helping. This is why I don't ask him. I also agreed to take on a bill ($200 a month) that he was ordered to pay to help make up the difference that my job would have made in the final outcome of CS and SS.

If we talk about this generically though, why should he be capable of dating and living with whomever but if I were to do so, I would lose every chance I have at becoming self suffcient? This would mean that I would need to find someone who was capable financially to support me and my girls. I don't want to base my future relationships on that. And if the time came that I chose to live with someone, who knows if in the long run it would work out? Do I give up on having a meaningful relationship and my means of supporting myself until I can actually do it on my own because I fear of losing my alimony? My means of supporting not just myself while I try to educate myself to become self supporting, but my daughters also?

Like I said, I want to stay with the "law" on this, and not get into the drama of my situation. This though may be hard to do to fully get my point across. I do not want to get my cart in front of the horse, nor do I want to shack up. I understand both concepts. (Thank you both).

I have also given him back an IRA that was awarded to me because I felt bad for his situation afterwards. The split left us both broke for awhile.

While this is all fine and dandy, when his "time is up", he will revert back to 100k+ salary. I just want to be left alone in my life with the abilitly to count on the support in which I feel I am entitled (right or wrong) until I can make it on my own AND look forward to possibly developing a loving and supportive relationship. Am I asking too much???

Again, re the bolded, I do not understand AT ALL, why you feel like you cannot have a meaningful relationship with someone without living with them.

I simply do not understand it.

 

[stealth2]

I suspect that makes more than two of us.

 

[ecmst12]

If we talk about this generically though, why should he be capable of dating and living with whomever but if I were to do so, I would lose every chance I have at becoming self suffcient?

I think this is the REAL crux of OP's issues.

You are allowed to date and fall in love with whomever you like. If you move in with him (or her) however, then your expenses would be less (since you would presumably be sharing them), and your ex's money would be contributing to the support of someone other then you and the children. Both reasons for him to want to modify support. It is unknown whether he WOULD want to modify, since the support is for a limited amount of time and it appears you made a number of "good faith" concessions to him that you were not required to make. But since your order is modifyable, he COULD go back to court if your circumstances change.

And of course the reason he has no restrictions on who moves in with him is because you aren't paying for his home or support. If you WERE, I'm sure you wouldn't want to also be paying for his girlfriend.

But basically, there is no reason for you to be worrying about this now. Concentrate on your school and your kids and get back into the work force as soon as you can. The amount of time you'll actually have to date for the next few years is so limited, the chances of a relationship NATURALLY progressing to the point of moving in together before you are done school are very small.

 

[mistoffolees]

yes, as a woman who had a career that started out at $8 an hour (in 1987) who could now be making $24 an hour (I left at $15 an hour in 1993), this is a concern. I use to work for Dr's who were the heads of departments at local universities. No small time game here. I tried to get back into "my field" for months and months to no avail (people are losing their insurance, Dr's are not hiring because of it).

This is nonsense. I'm searching for a job right now and the medical field is the only one that IS hiring. Try monster.com or job.com or careerbuilder.com or any of the thousands of job-hunting sites. There are jobs open in medical fields EVERYWHERE.

My ex is a nurse. She has never had to go more than a week or two without finding a good job - even with quite a few job changes in the past few years.

I supported him through his associates, bachelors AND masters degree, all the while he was having online relationships with others. Again, I don't want to go into the drama but his online relationships stemed from us having to much going on at one time...getting married, his school and yes he worked fulltime at the same time, having children right away, etc etc etc. We did things wrong and we are paying for it now..

So now you're going to do things wrong and pay for it again. Your children are dealing with a great deal of emotional stress, so you're going to put them through a divorce, you being in school, new job AND a new live-in boyfriend?

Some people never learn.

What in your mind are "special cases"? The law allows (here in MI anyways) for those who were in long term marriages, to live in the standards that they were accustomed. This though is certainly not my case nor have I fought for it on a long term basis. I just want to be able to raise my girls in a manner thay they "should have known or realized" before the divorce. I am very content with whatever happens to me eventually. With that said though, in the meantime, I am a real person believe it or not and after all I've been through, I deserve something don't I? If anything I desrve a chance, at life and a loving relationship. I'm 47 years old. It's not the end of the world for me I know...but geez o peets!!!!

No one is denying you the chance at a loving relationship. But if you want to rely on your ex to support you because the law allows for it, you have to accept that the law also allows for that support to end if you shack up with someone else (if the alimony is modifiable). You can't have it both ways - why should your ex have to support you after you've moved in with someone new?

But I am not self suffcient and I don't know how long it will take me to get there. I wil get through school but I will need to find a job eventually afterwards. In the meantime I have two girls to raise and they are going through their formable years. I would much rather be not working and just going to school so that I can be there for them more. My girls are honor students, they both hold above a 3.9+. BUT they have had issues as of late, regular teen stuff.....

Life's tough. There's no a single person on this board who doesn't have to deal with things being expensive and their standard of living dropping after divorce. I would love to not have to get a job and go back to school, but I have a daughter to support, alimony to pay, child support to pay, a house payment to make, insurance, food to buy, etc.

Why do you feel that your situation is so unique?

No offence but I feel like I'm an getting pulled into the drama side of it all. What it boils down to is that I never had the support that one gets in a relationship (and maybe he did not either given the situation) and if I find it one day then I want to know what my consequences are. It's that plain and simple.

I will not in the long run, neglect my girls. There will be a balance just has it's always been. I can only do the best I can at the moment which has been ok so far.'

So don't throw it out because you feel the need to shack up so someone else can support you. Teach your daughters that a woman can support her family without a sugar daddy. And stop whining about being pulled into the drama. The drama is all of your making.

The details of our agreement helps him and I both given the circumstances. If something is taken away from me, I will not be able to make the house payment and it will affect him. Yes. I have had a job (very low paying but it is a job) since before we actually divorced (did not have one when we were in mediation though). When I got the job I asked him if he wanted to re-figure CS & SS but he said no. You see, I have the house but it is underwater. The SS, CS and my job helps pay for it to not get foreclosed. The mortgage is in his name. I do not ask him for anything extra for the girls. I pay for it all. Camp, glasses, all dr's appointments, maintanence on the house, extra-curriculars, etc, etc, etc. He and I both "know" that by me paying it "all" is him still helping. This is why I don't ask him. I also agreed to take on a bill ($200 a month) that he was ordered to pay to help make up the difference that my job would have made in the final outcome of CS and SS.

Sounds like you need to get your finances in order. If the house is too expensive, you should get rid of it. There are times when even a short sale is better than continuing to dump money you can't afford into a house. The rest of those things are part of life. You want your kids to go to camp? You need to have the money for it. Your situation is no different than anyone else.

The only thing that IS different is that most people understand that if they want something they have to pay for it rather than relying on a series of sugar daddies to do that for them. You are in a field that is in high demand. Get a better job. Finish your education and get a better job. Get your life in order.

If you want a romantic relationship, that's entirely up to you, but it should not be a requirement. My mother has lived by herself over 20 years (and counting) since my Dad died. My MIL lived by herself for about 50 years after her divorce. There's no law that says you need someone right away - or that you need to move in with them even if you DO find someone.

Get your own life in order before you start mucking up your kids' lives and someone else's life. But if you absolutely MUST shack up with someone, you may lose your alimony. Tough cookies.

If we talk about this generically though, why should he be capable of dating and living with whomever but if I were to do so, I would lose every chance I have at becoming self suffcient?

Because he is self-sufficient and you're not. Besides, you're not talking about becoming self-sufficient. Rather, you're talking about finding a new sugar daddy.

Like I said, I want to stay with the "law" on this, and not get into the drama of my situation. This though may be hard to do to fully get my point across. I do not want to get my cart in front of the horse, nor do I want to shack up.

Then don't. You've got the law. You need to read your divorce decree to see if alimony ends if you move in with someone and/or if it is modifiable.

While this is all fine and dandy, when his "time is up", he will revert back to 100k+ salary. I just want to be left alone in my life with the abilitly to count on the support in which I feel I am entitled (right or wrong) until I can make it on my own AND look forward to possibly developing a loving and supportive relationship. Am I asking too much???

You ARE entitled to the support - as long as you live by the terms of the agreement. You are ALSO entitled to become independent.

He is entitled to the salary that he earns. If you want that kind of money, go out and get a job where you can earn it - there are a number of high paying jobs out there, some that require no more than a high school diploma - although most require a college degree. But that's why you're getting 6 years of alimony - so you can get your life in order so you can support yourself. He chose a life path so that he's self-sufficient. You apparently don't want to.

What you may not be entitled to is having two sugar daddies at the same time. Just how does that foster your becoming financially independent?

And why do you keep talking about 'making it on your own', when your every effort seems to involve finding someone else to support you? Seems to me that if I had only 6 years of alimony, I'd find a way to use that time and money to become independent, get a better job, get my expenses in line with what I can afford, and so on - rather than just looking for someone else to support me.

 

[>Charlotte<]

So, what happened to last year when he actually wanted you to find a boyfriend? I'm just curious.

Just was wondering....is there a law in Michigan that states SS will be terminated if cohabitating? Or can we state in the decree that SS will not be terminated if cohabitating? Or do we have to term this in the decree at all? Am I understanding that marriage is different and that there is a law?

Don't worry Bali, this is just a hypothetical question and not something I plan on doing anytime in the near future. I have my girls to raise first!! Actually, my stbx does not seem to mind this (he actually suggested it) as he knows the sooner I am with someone else, that the odds of me getting married will be better!! I know, this is sick, but if you knew him, his common sense is somewhat lacking.

 

[CJane]

Because some PEOPLE (it is not just women) are unable to conceive of life on their own. They NEED a partner to validate themselves.

This is the same discussion we had over in child custody last week, isn't it? How it's just not worth it to risk everything for someone else, and eventually you get over the "But I DESERVE THIS!" mentality?

Yeah, this OP isn't there yet. Maybe won't ever be.

But I can tell you this - 7 years post-divorce, there's no way that I'm sharing my space with another grown up, and I'm SO GLAD that I didn't move in with D'man when I really really really wanted to because I DESERVED to.

 

[mistoffolees]

This is the same discussion we had over in child custody last week, isn't it? How it's just not worth it to risk everything for someone else, and eventually you get over the "But I DESERVE THIS!" mentality?

Yeah, this OP isn't there yet. Maybe won't ever be.

But I can tell you this - 7 years post-divorce, there's no way that I'm sharing my space with another grown up, and I'm SO GLAD that I didn't move in with D'man when I really really really wanted to because I DESERVED to.

I agree 100% - and not just for my sake. I just can't imagine dragging someone else into my daughter's life like that.

If and when I meet someone I want to be with, it will be a dating relationship where we each have our own place. At some point, I'll know her well enough that she'll meet my daughter - for short periods. Eventually, I'll spend more time together with her and my daughter. At some point - well down the road, we might be taking vacations together (although it would be in different rooms because I wouldn't expose my daughter to that). Living together? I guess it's possible, but not for a long, long time. And if I really wanted to live with her, we'd get married.

 

[CJane]

I agree 100% - and not just for my sake. I just can't imagine dragging someone else into my daughter's life like that.

If and when I meet someone I want to be with, it will be a dating relationship where we each have our own place. At some point, I'll know her well enough that she'll meet my daughter - for short periods. Eventually, I'll spend more time together with her and my daughter. At some point - well down the road, we might be taking vacations together (although it would be in different rooms because I wouldn't expose my daughter to that). Living together? I guess it's possible, but not for a long, long time. And if I really wanted to live with her, we'd get married.

Well, D'man and I were together for 4 years. We'd been dating exclusively for ... 3 months before he met the girls (he met Twain much sooner, but the boy was only 9 months old when we started dating). We vacationed/holiday'd together frequently throughout that time, went camping as a "family", etc. Heck, the kids still spend time with him... Twain once a week at minimum, and the girls whenever they feel like it and he's free.

But I needed MY place to come back to. I needed to move from that "sharing" of every little thing - including money - to my own "stuff", and being accountable to myself, not someone else. And now? Dude, if I had to pick up a grown man's underwear off the floor in my own house? There would be charges filed against me. Fo. Sho.

Of course, I suppose it's possible someone will come along and sweep me off my fairy-tale-loving feet, and whisk me off to his castle, so that I can live happily ever after and blah blah blah. But I'm not gonna hold my breath.

 

[LdiJ]

Well, D'man and I were together for 4 years. We'd been dating exclusively for ... 3 months before he met the girls (he met Twain much sooner, but the boy was only 9 months old when we started dating). We vacationed/holiday'd together frequently throughout that time, went camping as a "family", etc. Heck, the kids still spend time with him... Twain once a week at minimum, and the girls whenever they feel like it and he's free.

But I needed MY place to come back to. I needed to move from that "sharing" of every little thing - including money - to my own "stuff", and being accountable to myself, not someone else. And now? Dude, if I had to pick up a grown man's underwear off the floor in my own house? There would be charges filed against me. Fo. Sho.

Of course, I suppose it's possible someone will come along and sweep me off my fairy-tale-loving feet, and whisk me off to his castle, so that I can live happily ever after and blah blah blah. But I'm not gonna hold my breath.

When my ex and I split up, I really thought that I would like to be remarried, because I really wanted to have more children.

However, as time went by, I discovered that I REALLY liked having exclusive control over the checkbook, the bank account, heck even the danged remote control...lol. Someone would really have to truly be prince charming to get me to want to live with someone or get married again.

 

[Isis1]

You ladies are really making me wish i was single right now.....

 

[ecmst12]

I've never had to pick up my DH's underwear up off the floor and he does his own laundry. And we've been living together going on 3 years now...heck he'd kick his OWN ass if he ever left dirty clothes anywhere other then the floor next to his side of the bed I've had roommates before and I was so completely done with sharing my space in THAT way with anyone else but with him, its ok Took us 2 years of dating to get there though, and no kids to complicate things.

 

[CJane]

When my ex and I split up, I really thought that I would like to be remarried, because I really wanted to have more children.

However, as time went by, I discovered that I REALLY liked having exclusive control over the checkbook, the bank account, heck even the danged remote control...lol. Someone would really have to truly be prince charming to get me to want to live with someone or get married again.

I really used to want to get married again too. In fact, if D'man had proposed the second year we were together, I probably would have done it.

But man, my life is so FULL with school and the kids and the dogs and work and the gym and constant maintenance on the 120 year old house that I love, that I can't imagine having another grown up around 24/7 anymore. Sure, maybe someday. But now? Soon? No way.

And I really think, if people just waited 4 or 5 years post-divorce to decide if they really wanted to be married again - not just whether they wanted to marry person X, but wanted to be in a marriage again, there'd be fewer second divorces.

/Dr. Phil moment

 

[stealth2]

I'm with the rest of you "not interested in getting re-married or living with someone" gals.

Really - it's just too much work! We have our routine, and we like it. It's changed some now that it's just "us girls", and will change again when #2 goes off to college. But we've kind of "grown up" together.

I kind of look forward to the day when I truly answer to no one once I walk through my front door.

 

[CJane]

I'm with the rest of you "not interested in getting re-married or living with someone" gals.

Really - it's just too much work! We have our routine, and we like it. It's changed some now that it's just "us girls", and will change again when #2 goes off to college. But we've kind of "grown up" together.

I kind of look forward to the day when I truly answer to no one once I walk through my front door.

Except the dogs. They never take their dogs when they go off to college. And I just adopted a 10 month old Mastiff. And the turtle. Pretty sure "Beans" will still be in my living room, demanding that I drop a guppy in the tank now and then.

But none of them wear underwear, and all of them think I'm wonderful the second I show up, even if I immediately change into my flannel jammy pants. And they're not complaining that I'm watching Pretty in Pink right now.

 

[ecmst12]

Secret to finding true love is to love yourself first, and not feel like you NEED it. Sounds like you all are on that road Maybe you'll find it and maybe not but you're happy either way!

Me....well I've never been married before and DH got divorced in 2004 and whenever he's not here for a night or 2 (when he had his sleep studies, or was away for work) I miss him like crazy. Maybe it's the doing our own laundry that's the key