Please help!!!! I need opinions!!!!

[AmIUnreasonable]

What is the name of your state? Nevada


This may be long but I need to know how to proceed........

My exwife and I have been divorced since Feb 2003. We have both since remarried. Ever since our divorce I feel my ex wife has not worked with me on ANYTHING! In the beginning we would try to talk to one another about thing regarding out two girls (now 6 & 8) but we always had a he said/she said type aspect. We would agree to things and then she would lie and say we never talked about it or she never agreed. Or if I had a concern and asked her something she would always say "I'll think about it". Well, things began to get worse so I decided to start putting everything in writing and would always end things with "please respond in writing."

So a year ago I had an issue with wanting my monday morning pick up changed from 5:30 am to 7:30 am because I felt it was to early for them to get up. (they were not school aged and it seemed unfair to do that to kids) btw, we have joint physical custody where I have the kids m-thurs. So I sent a letter with my suggestion for a change. She immediately sent a letter with her suggestions for the change although she stated she didnt feel that 5:30 am was too early. (the girls would have to get up at at least 4:45 am). To make the matter simple I went with her suggestion in my next letter. Poof she ignored me. This went on and on for two more months!!!! Then in July 2004 I get a letter from Ins. company stating that my two girls were approved for visits to a therapist!!!! (recvd the letter on a Sat.) I figured it had to be a mistake. Monday I get the girls and they tell me and my wife that they went to talk to someone about "there life". I was so furious! I went to talk to the therapist who told me the girls were fine. So I continue writing letters asking my ex WHY!?!?!? She never answers and cancels the follow visit the girls had with the therapist. Finally in August - She finally sends a letter saying we can change monday mornings but doesnt want it filed. I insist and it happens. I still periodically ask her why she felt the need to take the kids to a therapist and she never once answers me almost like it never happened.

Unfortuatlly it feels to me now like even if I have concerns with her I cant write her a letter because it will only egg her on. I do have concerns with many things but have no idea how to tell her. Like the fact she only has the kids on fridays for school yet my youngest has missed on friday a month for the past five months.

Ok, so fast forward to 2005. Last week my wife is scanning through the caller id (she always does it after work) She notices the therapist number on our id. I look at the number and remember it as a call where someone rang twice and hung up. So we decide to call the insurance the next day and no referral was made. Im thinking, it must be a mistake! SO I call the doctors office. Later they call me back to say the girls have an appointment for that day at 2pm!!!!! AGAIN without telling me?!?!?!?!?!?!?! So my wife and I show up. yes there faces looked shocked. So we go in after the therapist talks to mom and step dad and then the girls. She asks why we are here. Well, my wife and I have NO idea. She says mom is concerned about one of my punishments (sent to bed without dinner) and that I have called my oldest fat. btw, the sent to bed without dinner was a one time thing and I NEVER called my oldest fat. My wife and I are very angry. AGAIN she is playing with the kids to hurt me; isnt this obvious???? So on the therapist advice she says to try and voice my own concerns with mom. I do so in a letter because I feel more comfortable with that.

So now heres the kicker. Two days out of my four days that I have the girls this week; her husband calls and wants to know if I will be taking the girls on Fathers day?!?!?! What?!?!?!?! I have always taken the girls on fathers day. Why wouldnt I??!!?!?! What kind of game is this to them????

Does anyone think a lawyer will do something?!?!?! Do you think I can obtain physical custody of the girls because of this bizzare behavior? I feel she is just using the girls to upset me. There a little tiny incidences but nothing as big as these! What do you think???

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state? Nevada
Does anyone think a lawyer will do something?!?!?! Do you think I can obtain physical custody of the girls because of this bizzare behavior? I feel she is just using the girls to upset me. There a little tiny incidences but nothing as big as these! What do you think???

I honestly don't think that a judge would see mom taking the children to a therapist as "bizarre"...nor do I think that a judge would see a stepparent asking if you were going to take the children on father's day as "bizarre" either. I don't even think that a judge would see taking the children to a therapist as even a "contempt" issue....let alone one serious enough to give you primary custody.

I think you may be over-reacting here.....although I would recommend not sending the kids to bed without dinner. I know that has been a common punishment used in the past (not by you, but by parents in general) but these days it seems to be generally frowned upon.

 

[AmIUnreasonable]

If mom had a valid reason to take them I could understand but to continully take them without telling me or discussing it with me-- how can that not be upsetting??? We have joint legal custody -- I deserve to have a say in this.....that and our little girls are FINE!!! Of course I am upset. They are being used as a weapon to upset me.

 

[LdiJ]

If mom had a valid reason to take them I could understand but to continully take them without telling me or discussing it with me-- how can that not be upsetting??? We have joint legal custody -- I deserve to have a say in this.....that and our little girls are FINE!!! Of course I am upset. They are being used as a weapon to upset me.

Twice is not constantly, and its very common for children of divorce to get some counseling/therapy. Of course your girls are fine. Seeing a counselor or therapist does not indicate that they are not fine. Mom has obviously had some concerns on a couple of occasions so she took the children to a therapist and got those concerns addressed. We advise parents who come to this board to do that...on a regular basis....when there are issues that concern them.

Again, I honestly think that you are over-reacting. Are you upset because you think there is something shameful or degrading in seeing a counselor/therapist? If so, you shouldn't be because it is neither shameful nor degrading. Or are you upset because you think that mom is doing it to try to get "dirt" on you? If so, again you shouldn't be upset because mom obviously failed in that goal.

 

[AmIUnreasonable]

I have no problem with the therapist idea -- in fact I showed at the one visit that was cancelled without knowing mom had cancelled it. The therapist told me that usually one parent will try the "therapy" angle and when the other parent starts to get involved the one parent who starts will suddenly stop.


Dig up dirt on me -- that doesnt bother me either. You are correct when saying she failed.

What bothers me is she is obviously using the girls to try and antagonize me. She knows it will upset me and that gives her joy. I sent a letter to her last week telling her I wanted to open the lines of communication but still want it in writing. (the therapist said that would be ok) I even agreed to take a parenting class -- told the therapist I would do what ever it takes.

Why cant she just enjoy the girls when they are on her time?!?!?!?!

 

[LdiJ]

What bothers me is she is obviously using the girls to try and antagonize me. She knows it will upset me and that gives her joy.

Do you want to know the very best way to get her to stop doing that? If she really is doing it because she enjoys antagonizing you and getting you upset.....then simply stop letting it bother you. That will take ALL the wind out of her sails.

 

[AmIUnreasonable]

Well, the therapist seemed to think she had an attention disorder. Which is probably true but it just seems to be continuing. I wrote a letter voicing my concerns on everything I had been holding in on the suggestion of the therapist. Here is how I worded it -- you tell me if this was ok or not (I guess its to late if its not because I mailed it) I am going to ex out the names ok???


I would also like to take this opportunity to voice concerns of mine that I have not let you know about; for that I am sorry but after speaking with Ms. XX, I realized I should be communicating more and letting you know how I feel or how I worry about certain things.

1. The one thing I am most concerned about is the girls swimming alone in your pool without adult supervision. I found this out when XX told me she only dives off the diving board when adults are around and when there is no adult outside she just swims. She wasn’t trying to get anyone in trouble but rather proud of her being able to dive off the board. She inadvertently let me know of the situation. After talking to the girls they both tell me that sometimes you are “watching” them from the couch or watching while cooking in the kitchen. I am begging you to not allow the girls to swim without an adult present outside. It is dangerous and we both do NOT want anything happening to our girls!!!

2. I am concerned about the amount of medicine the girls take at your home. It seems every Monday they are telling me they were sick over the weekend and needed cold medicine when on Monday I see them as being fine. I don’t like how the girls are taking medicine so much and I really don’t like it when one child is told they are sick and the other takes the medicine “Just in case.”

3. There are many times when I am made aware by the girls that XX(her husband) voices his dislike of me in front of them. Calling me names such as “*******”, or “Stupid”, or threatening to “put him in jail” is completely inappropriate. Whether said directly to them or just in their vicinity is just wrong and I am hoping these comments will stop.

4. I would like it if when disciplining the girls; XX(her husband) would not use profanity. The girls are only 6 and 8 and using such phrases such as “I will spank your ass” or “Go to your ****ing room” does not need to be said when disciplining. I have NO problems with XX (her husband) dealing out punishments should the girls misbehave BUT I would prefer if he would just tone down the language and not us curse words.

5. I am concerned about the amount of time the girls miss school on Fridays. XX has missed a Friday in the months of October, February, March, April, May and June. To me this is a little excessive since you only them four school days out of the month. In the last five months that has been one Friday a month; this is 25% of your school time with them.

6. I am very concerned that you do not take the time to tell me about the visits with Ms. XX. I feel you are purposely doing this behind my back and I am hoping this will not continue. Please keep me informed of all visits with Ms. XX before they happen. Numerous times I have written to you asking for information as to why you felt the girls needed to see a family therapist and not once have I gotten a response or had you even acknowledged that they have gone to see Ms. XX. Such things like a shot being done or the dental visit you took XX too is not grounds for telling me immediately (although I would like a run through afterwards) but visits such as mental health issues should be immediately addressed with me BEFORE any visits are made. We should be discussing whether it is important enough to have the girls seek a family therapists help. This is NOT a decision for you to make on your own! This is the SECOND time you have made this decision without discussing it with me.

These are the items I have concern about. I would like to open a dialogue to discuss these concerns of mine with you. Once again, should you have anything you have concerns or questions regarding the children; please do not hesitate to write. Again, if an emergency exists; by all means, call.

What do you think???? It truely is how I feel and these are the concerns I have. I have been afraid to say anything because when I do; it seems to make it where she says "oh he doesnt like this; I will keep doing this 100x fold to really get at him!"

 

[LdiJ]

Well, the therapist seemed to think she had an attention disorder. Which is probably true but it just seems to be continuing. I wrote a letter voicing my concerns on everything I had been holding in on the suggestion of the therapist. Here is how I worded it -- you tell me if this was ok or not (I guess its to late if its not because I mailed it) I am going to ex out the names ok???


I would also like to take this opportunity to voice concerns of mine that I have not let you know about; for that I am sorry but after speaking with Ms. XX, I realized I should be communicating more and letting you know how I feel or how I worry about certain things.

1. The one thing I am most concerned about is the girls swimming alone in your pool without adult supervision. I found this out when XX told me she only dives off the diving board when adults are around and when there is no adult outside she just swims. She wasn’t trying to get anyone in trouble but rather proud of her being able to dive off the board. She inadvertently let me know of the situation. After talking to the girls they both tell me that sometimes you are “watching” them from the couch or watching while cooking in the kitchen. I am begging you to not allow the girls to swim without an adult present outside. It is dangerous and we both do NOT want anything happening to our girls!!!

2. I am concerned about the amount of medicine the girls take at your home. It seems every Monday they are telling me they were sick over the weekend and needed cold medicine when on Monday I see them as being fine. I don’t like how the girls are taking medicine so much and I really don’t like it when one child is told they are sick and the other takes the medicine “Just in case.”

3. There are many times when I am made aware by the girls that XX(her husband) voices his dislike of me in front of them. Calling me names such as “*******”, or “Stupid”, or threatening to “put him in jail” is completely inappropriate. Whether said directly to them or just in their vicinity is just wrong and I am hoping these comments will stop.

4. I would like it if when disciplining the girls; XX(her husband) would not use profanity. The girls are only 6 and 8 and using such phrases such as “I will spank your ass” or “Go to your ****ing room” does not need to be said when disciplining. I have NO problems with XX (her husband) dealing out punishments should the girls misbehave BUT I would prefer if he would just tone down the language and not us curse words.

5. I am concerned about the amount of time the girls miss school on Fridays. XX has missed a Friday in the months of October, February, March, April, May and June. To me this is a little excessive since you only them four school days out of the month. In the last five months that has been one Friday a month; this is 25% of your school time with them.

6. I am very concerned that you do not take the time to tell me about the visits with Ms. XX. I feel you are purposely doing this behind my back and I am hoping this will not continue. Please keep me informed of all visits with Ms. XX before they happen. Numerous times I have written to you asking for information as to why you felt the girls needed to see a family therapist and not once have I gotten a response or had you even acknowledged that they have gone to see Ms. XX. Such things like a shot being done or the dental visit you took XX too is not grounds for telling me immediately (although I would like a run through afterwards) but visits such as mental health issues should be immediately addressed with me BEFORE any visits are made. We should be discussing whether it is important enough to have the girls seek a family therapists help. This is NOT a decision for you to make on your own! This is the SECOND time you have made this decision without discussing it with me.

These are the items I have concern about. I would like to open a dialogue to discuss these concerns of mine with you. Once again, should you have anything you have concerns or questions regarding the children; please do not hesitate to write. Again, if an emergency exists; by all means, call.

What do you think???? It truely is how I feel and these are the concerns I have. I have been afraid to say anything because when I do; it seems to make it where she says "oh he doesnt like this; I will keep doing this 100x fold to really get at him!"

Ok...the letter was fine. Very polite and diplomatic. But I will make some comments regarding your some of your concerns.

I also have a swimming pool. When my daughter was very young of course she never swam unless an adult was outside. However, once she was a good swimmer, and once she was tall enough that her head and shoulders were out of the water when she was standing up...I would sometimes watch her from inside the house. I had a close a clear view from the kitchen window therefore I felt it safe to let her swim if I had work to do in the kitchen.

Swimming often congests children a bit or gives them runny noses. While I never gave cold medicine to my daughter in that instance, I know parents who do. So that may be the reason why they are getting cold medicine at mom's more than at your house.

The cursing when disciplining the children and the badmouthing of you are totally unacceptable. Unfortunately, there is probably not a thing you can do to stop that from happening.

Hopefully now that she realizes how much you have noticed that the children are missing school on fridays, she will stop doing that. However there are judges out there who will actually ORDER that a child miss a day or part of a day of school once or twice a month to facilitate parenting time for the other parent. Therefore, if its only once a month it might not be seen as a serious issue by a judge.

And of course your desire to be informed in advance of counseling appointments is completely valid.

I understand your fear that bringing up issues to her may make her do them even more, out of spite....rather than her giving you a rational response to your concerns....which is one of the reasons why I am trying to give you a rational response. Is it completely impossible for the two of you to get a cup of coffee somewhere so that you can actually talk? If not, have you considered the two of you having a counseling session or two together so that you can try to open the lines of communication?

 

[AmIUnreasonable]

The therapist didnt think it was a good idea to bring us together to talk -- she felt it was something Mom wanted to do -- She felt that mom was merely doing things to try and get alone with me for it was SHE who was having problems with the divorce.

My youngest is very very little for 6. Even when in the shallow end she could not have her head above water. I think at 6 & 8 it is way to young to allow them to supervise each other -- Also when the therapist questioned mom about it she lied and said that never happens. My children werent making it up.

The medicine thing has been going on since before summer time and pool time. The therapist thought it might be a form of Munchausens disease which is where a parent says a child is sick just to get attention. She told me when she questions my oldest about it -- whatever my older one said alarmed her.

I understand parent time with kids BUT she has them from thurs night until monday morn. Her taking the kids out of school this often seems excessive to me. Mostly she is says they are sick. I feel my youngest one doesnt end up going because she doesnt have to be there until 12:30 pm. So mom has to take the my oldest at 8:30 am then turn around and the youngest at 12:30 and then pick both up at 3:00. I think she is just being lazy. (the kids go to school by my house which is 15 minutes from her and she has that day off)

I wish I could just sit down with them both (mom and her hubby) but I am scared what would end up being said I said. This is a pattern of hers that she did with her first ex hubby and her son. Continually did things to antagonize to the point where her sons father's new wife refused to let her call also.

Do you still think that a judge wont listen to me???

 

[AmIUnreasonable]

BTW, thank you for your help-- I really really appreciate it!

 

[LdiJ]

The therapist didnt think it was a good idea to bring us together to talk -- she felt it was something Mom wanted to do -- She felt that mom was merely doing things to try and get alone with me for it was SHE who was having problems with the divorce.

I find this reaction to be a little unusual on the part of the therapist. I would have expected a therapist to have the opposite opinion.

My youngest is very very little for 6. Even when in the shallow end she could not have her head above water. I think at 6 & 8 it is way to young to allow them to supervise each other -- Also when the therapist questioned mom about it she lied and said that never happens. My children werent making it up.

I am sure that your children weren't making it up...but its still not something that can be proven....unfortunately.

The medicine thing has been going on since before summer time and pool time. The therapist thought it might be a form of Munchausens disease which is where a parent says a child is sick just to get attention. She told me when she questions my oldest about it -- whatever my older one said alarmed her.

I also find this reaction from the therapist to be quite unusual....she has only seen the children and mom twice...that's a pretty quick diagnosis on a syndrome that's tricky to diagnose. Its also odd that she would tell you that something your oldest said alarmed her, but did not tell you what it was.

I understand parent time with kids BUT she has them from thurs night until monday morn. Her taking the kids out of school this often seems excessive to me. Mostly she is says they are sick. I feel my youngest one doesnt end up going because she doesnt have to be there until 12:30 pm. So mom has to take the my oldest at 8:30 am then turn around and the youngest at 12:30 and then pick both up at 3:00. I think she is just being lazy. (the kids go to school by my house which is 15 minutes from her and she has that day off)

Its probably a combination of both laziness....and of babying the youngest.

I wish I could just sit down with them both (mom and her hubby) but I am scared what would end up being said I said. This is a pattern of hers that she did with her first ex hubby and her son. Continually did things to antagonize to the point where her sons father's new wife refused to let her call also.

Do you still think that a judge wont listen to me???

I honestly do not think that you have enough to even remotely convince a judge that mom should lose her joint custody. Sorry. I do think your concerns are legitimate......but not to the level that would give you any chance of that.

 

[AmIUnreasonable]

I thought that it was odd too that the therapist didnt want us talking but that is what she said so I wont do it. I really dont want to anyway because she will agree to get along and then six months down the line, games will happen again.

So, if you dont think a judge will change anything, what do i do???

 

[LdiJ]

I thought that it was odd too that the therapist didnt want us talking but that is what she said so I wont do it. I really dont want to anyway because she will agree to get along and then six months down the line, games will happen again.

So, if you dont think a judge will change anything, what do i do???

!) Stop allowing her to "get" to you.
2) Communicate your concerns and document evidence of those and her responses..or lack of responses.
3) Document any violations of the court order.
4) Accept that her and your parenting decisions may not be the same.
5) Consult an attorney if you believe that something has occurred that could validly warrent a change in custody.

Ultimately...enjoy your time with your kids and accept that divorce means dealing with differences, complications and worry.

 

[AmIUnreasonable]

Ok so its been three weeks since the first therapy session. My daughter had another one yesterday where the therapist still says she is fine but wants to see her one more time. ok.

Here is my problem. I do everything in writing with my ex because of past problems. I have a very big problem with he said/she said with her. NOW my ex is trying to get me NOT to do things in writing because it is "cold." She has convinced this therapist that we need therapy sessions on how to communicate. I dont have the problem and would rather stay writing letters than getting on the phone and setting me up for problems. Just two days ago my ex sent me a letter (the same letter saying letters are cold) and said that while the girls are with me on monday thru thrusdays - I DONT FED THEM OR LET THEM HAVE WATER!!!!!

Now I am suppossed to go through a 8 week program on how to get along!!!!! Here's the thing, I do get a long. No matter what she says in letters I am always nice. The therapist said that "sometimes silence is hard on the kids and parents should ideally talk." Well of course IDEALLY but what happens if that is just impossible???? If I chose to go to this therapist and say "Look, I dont feel safe or comfortable doing things other than in writing" can I end up losing my kids if my ex takes me to court???

Please HELP!!!!

 

[stealth2]

And sessions learning how to communicate with one another would be bad because...... why? Worst thing that happens - if she's really 100% of the problem - is that the therapist sees that she's the problem.