Pregnant from affair - paternity/custody questions

[Ohiogal]

What if we both wish/agree to just keep the credit cards that are in our own names and agree to continue paying on our own credit cards? Can splitting the total overall balance still be enforced? Can the court enforce anything on us if we both come to agreement on how we'd like to split things up and put it in writing and follow all of the appropriate steps to filing it correctly with the assistance of our lawyers?

We'll probably make around $100k profit off the house after the mortgage and fees.

Court will uphold what the parties consider equitable if there is an agreement and doesn't seem to be any improper coercion or such. But again, you are concentrated on you and not the children -- which is what a parent would be concerned about.

 

[CH1990]

Court will uphold what the parties consider equitable if there is an agreement and doesn't seem to be any improper coercion or such. But again, you are concentrated on you and not the children -- which is what a parent would be concerned about.

I am very much concerned about my children and their current/future wellbeing. I'm already making plans for them, working on financial budgets to prepare for caring for them.

I'm not currently seeing the other man I was in a relationship with. He wants to see me and I've put the brakes on it right now. I'm not ging to drag my children into more drama. I'm going to therapy. I'm not focused on me and what I want. I'm trying to be a better person and make better decision in preparation for bringing 2 babies into the world.

I have to be concerned about my divorce and how it will affect ME financially because I'm going to responsible for taking care of these children. It would be in their best interest that I don't totally screw myself over and end up in a really bad financial position.

I want to be sure that I understand all the legalities surrounding the various paternity/custody situations. I don't want any child support money for myself, but my children deserve to have it to cover their needs. I definitely don't want my husband on the hook for child support if he isn't their father. Most likely, the other man is the father and I want to be sure that I understand how to get him listed as the legal father so that he can have all of the rights and responsibilities that goes along with it. My children deserve that as well.

And if my husband is proven to be genetically be their father then I won't have nearly as much to worry about since he will already be the presumptive father. We'll still have to deal with child support and custody, but I know he would be a great father to them. I believe we could co-parent very well. Ultimately, I just want my children to have all of their needs covered and to have 2 loving and involved parents. I knowthem that it isn't the ideal situation to bring them into and I feel horrible about it.

 

[stealth2]

Ultimately, I just want my children to have all of their needs covered and to have 2 loving and involved parents.

However, it is entirely possible that your children will *not* have two loving and involved parents. Or your paramour's child won't. And yes, that will be partially on you.

I predict that, if he is the father, his wife will give him an ultimatum: work on the marriage and cut all contact (save paying CS) with you and the twins & agree to move away; OR Divorce, accept minimal parenting time and allow her/child to move. If your husband is the father, it is entirely likely that he will find dealing with the children to be too painful a reminder of your infidelity and he will be minimally involved.

You really have to understand that those are realistic scenarios.

 

[CH1990]

However, it is entirely possible that your children will *not* have two loving and involved parents. Or your paramour's child won't. And yes, that will be partially on you.

I predict that, if he is the father, his wife will give him an ultimatum: work on the marriage and cut all contact (save paying CS) with you and the twins & agree to move away; OR Divorce, accept minimal parenting time and allow her/child to move. If your husband is the father, it is entirely likely that he will find dealing with the children to be too painful a reminder of your infidelity and he will be minimally involved.

You really have to understand that those are realistic scenarios.

I know that there's no guarantee that my children will have 2 loving, involved parents. That is just what I hope happens for them, not for my sake but for their sake.

Would I be lying if I said that I'm sad to be going through pregnancy alone and that I'll most likely be a single mother? Yes. This isn't how I planned to become a parent. But I am trying to do the best I can with the situation I'm in.

I've known my husband since we were 18 years old. I would bet practically all that I have on him not abandoning his children or being minimally involved. He's already told me that he would give anything to be the father instead of this other guy. It's ok if he doesn't want to interract with me except for the bare minimum going forward, I can understand, but I don't think he would let that prevent him from being actively involved with the children. I know I can't control him or predict the future, but I find the idea of him being minimally involved higly unlikely.

The other guy is less predictable, especially since I have yet to see how things will play out with his wife. I don't wish anything bad on his daughter. I don't want to take her father away from her. At this time, and to be surprise, he wants to be a father to the twins. He wants to leave his wife and for us to move in together and raise the babies together. He still wants to be a father to his daughter. I've known him for nearly as long as I've known my husband, but I don't know him the same way that I know my husband and there are more factors going on there. Things could definitely change with his willingness to be involved, especially if I won't commit to being in a relationship with him.

 

[AlmostThere]

What if we both wish/agree to just keep the credit cards that are in our own names and agree to continue paying on our own credit cards? Can splitting the total overall balance still be enforced? Can the court enforce anything on us if we both come to agreement on how we'd like to split things up and put it in writing and follow all of the appropriate steps to filing it correctly with the assistance of our lawyers?

We'll probably make around $100k profit off the house after the mortgage and fees.

Why would you give up 50K? Is that because you feel guilty? Is giving up a significant amount of money in the best interest of your children?
Have you considered the possibility that you will be paying child support for your twins to their father? Have you looked into how much daycare will cost for two children?

Think carefully about how much it will hurt your children to walk away from 50K.

 

[CH1990]

Why would you give up 50K? Is that because you feel guilty? Is giving up a significant amount of money in the best interest of your children?
Have you considered the possibility that you will be paying child support for your twins to their father? Have you looked into how much daycare will cost for two children?

Think carefully about how much it will hurt your children to walk away from 50K.

Yes, it was out of guilt. I wasn't thinking when I told him he could just keep the house and do whatever he wanted with it. I wasn't thinking about keeping any money for my children - I just felt like I didn't deserve to keep any of it.

We have talked and we're going to sell the house and split the profit. We're meeting this weekend to discuss the details and to get the process started. I've realized that I will need the money for them. I plan to use it to pay off any portion of debts that are assigned to me in the divorce, lawyer fees, etc. and then pay off some of my other debts that I personally have that I am actively trying to get rid of as part of my budget right now.

I'm looking at about $2100/month (and that's with 2 dicounts that I qualify for through my workplace and for multiple children) for daycare if I can get into my preferred daycare. I'm already on the waiting list, which seems ridiculous, but I live in a small community with very few options for infant daycare. The spots go like crazy so I'm concerned with finding 2 open spots. I have friends who have had to reserve spots for a single baby from almost the moment they found out they were pregnant, it's crazy.

 

[Ohiogal]

Yes, it was out of guilt. I wasn't thinking when I told him he could just keep the house and do whatever he wanted with it. I wasn't thinking about keeping any money for my children - I just felt like I didn't deserve to keep any of it.

We have talked and we're going to sell the house and split the profit. We're meeting this weekend to discuss the details and to get the process started. I've realized that I will need the money for them. I plan to use it to pay off any portion of debts that are assigned to me in the divorce, lawyer fees, etc. and then pay off some of my other debts that I personally have that I am actively trying to get rid of as part of my budget right now.

I'm looking at about $2100/month (and that's with 2 dicounts that I qualify for through my workplace and for multiple children) for daycare if I can get into my preferred daycare. I'm already on the waiting list, which seems ridiculous, but I live in a small community with very few options for infant daycare. The spots go like crazy so I'm concerned with finding 2 open spots. I have friends who have had to reserve spots for a single baby from almost the moment they found out they were pregnant, it's crazy.

You have a history of not thinking just in this thread. You need to grow up and start thinking.

 

[AlmostThere]

Yes, it was out of guilt. I wasn't thinking when I told him he could just keep the house and do whatever he wanted with it. I wasn't thinking about keeping any money for my children - I just felt like I didn't deserve to keep any of it.

We have talked and we're going to sell the house and split the profit. We're meeting this weekend to discuss the details and to get the process started. I've realized that I will need the money for them. I plan to use it to pay off any portion of debts that are assigned to me in the divorce, lawyer fees, etc. and then pay off some of my other debts that I personally have that I am actively trying to get rid of as part of my budget right now.

I'm looking at about $2100/month (and that's with 2 dicounts that I qualify for through my workplace and for multiple children) for daycare if I can get into my preferred daycare. I'm already on the waiting list, which seems ridiculous, but I live in a small community with very few options for infant daycare. The spots go like crazy so I'm concerned with finding 2 open spots. I have friends who have had to reserve spots for a single baby from almost the moment they found out they were pregnant, it's crazy.

Keep in mind that people say things when negotiating a divorce. It does not matter what you agree to verbally. The only thing that matters is what you put on paper.

You may need to look into a nanny.

 

[LdiJ]

Keep in mind that people say things when negotiating a divorce. It does not matter what you agree to verbally. The only thing that matters is what you put on paper.

You may need to look into a nanny.

I agree that it's possible that a nanny may be more cost effective.

 

[CH1990]

Keep in mind that people say things when negotiating a divorce. It does not matter what you agree to verbally. The only thing that matters is what you put on paper.

You may need to look into a nanny.

Of course. He has already put in the papers that he sent me re: selling house and splitting the profit. I am not responding in writing until I've met with the lawyer this week to go over everything, but I intend to put that in my written response.

A nanny is a good idea, even if just as my backup option. But I think it may be out of my price range. I just researched nannies in my area and for 2 newborns I'm looking at way more than the daycare, but I will do some more research and ask people I know. I haven't openly announced my pregnancy to anyone other than my immediate family yet.

 

[Zigner]

Is there a reason dad can't be the primary caretaker to the kids? It may have been mentioned already, but this thread is 4+ pages long now and I'm not going to wade through it all...

 

[Lookforward]

Is there a reason dad can't be the primary caretaker to the kids? It may have been mentioned already, but this thread is 4+ pages long now and I'm not going to wade through it all...

Dad has his own family, it will be a mess. How do you convince your spouse that you want to take care of 2 additional kids from an affair.

 

[AlmostThere]

Dad has his own family, it will be a mess. How do you convince your spouse that you want to take care of 2 additional kids from an affair.

I've seen it happen. I've also seen dad leave (told to leave by) his current wife and embark on single parenting.

 

[Zigner]

Dad has his own family, it will be a mess. How do you convince your spouse that you want to take care of 2 additional kids from an affair.

Sorry - was actually talking about your current child. This thread has gone on a long time...

 

[Lookforward]

I've seen it happen. I've also seen dad leave (told to leave by) his current wife and embark on single parenting.

Mistakes of Epic proportion happen. This is why when you have children you don't try to do something out of guilt.
Never ever leave your child. They grow up and one day they will see you and they will only have contempt for you Or they grow up and the cycle continues.