Question about accomidating changes to visitation

[twinmama2]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? FL

My husband and I are trying to put our own divorce together to save $$.

We are having an issue regarding visitation. We had agreed to every other weekend, and tues and thurs nights for dinner for the boys father. It is a schedual we have been doing for almost a year (since soon after he moved out).

My husband has a job where, from march-aug, he has a very variable schedual. We had made accomidations to switch weekends when needed, which is not difficult to do, since it is usually know at least a month in advance.

However, we have recently been having problems with the weekday visits. Until recently, the boys did not really have "plans" except with me, so I was very liberal with switching days if needed. They are now 2.5 - and I have gotten them into two activies on my schedualed days (Mondays and Wed) - one being a "gym" class, and the other is a reglar playgroup of local twins their age. The boys currently stay at home (with a Nanny - my husband and I both work) - so we (both my husband and I) agreed that getting them into more activites with kids their age for the purposes of socialization.

The past 6 weeks, he has requested a change for one or both of the weekday visits. While currently, it doesn't really matter if they miss something, going forward, it will. I have sugested to my husband that he take them to their activity if he needs to switch to that day, but he is unwilling to "share" is time with an activity.

We are at loggerheads about this. While I want the boys to have time with their father (obviously) - I am frustrated with the lack of ablity to plan anything in advance, or consistantly participate in any activity. (and frankly- his idea of "work commitment" and mine sometimes differ - I know that some amout of dinners and drinks are needed, but there should be a way to keep most of it to days he doesn't have the boys)

He wants wording that says that any work conflicts will be accomidated - and frankly, I'm not ok with that. It will leave the boys and I in constant limbo.

What is a reasonable way to deal with this. I don't want to subvert his time, but at the same time, I don't want to be set up to be a doormat.

 

[cheesecake46580]

Wow that is a hard one and I do agree with the doormat statement. But what is best for the kids. Time with dad is soooooo important. Is their maby a class during the day that the nanny can take them to? I know our local YMCA has a lot of stuff during the day as well as night.
Why not ask that you have to have at least 2 weeks notice to accomidate his schedule and if you can't he would then be responsable for the activities? I honestly don't see the activities trumping dads time as it is not a school function.

 

[Ohiogal]

So time with nanny should usurp time with daddy?

 

[txmom512]

So time with nanny should usurp time with daddy?

No - I think her suggestion was maybe Mom could schedule activities when the nanny could take the kids while mom AND dad are both working... Time that the kids would be with the nanny anyway - that way it wouldn't interfere with dad's time.

Personally - I prefer a great daycare/preschool myself. I was lucky to find an incredible one for dd - she loved it, and it kept her so busy, and she had tons of friends.

 

[twinmama2]

Just to clarify - the activities are only schedualed on what is suposed to be my time. I never schedual activies on my husbands time.

I have asked the Nanny if she would take the boys to something during the day - and we are working on getting something together for one day a week.

The REAL issue isn't now. Like I said, missing a play date, or gym class at 2.5 isn't a big deal (beyond their momentary disapointment) -- its the longer term issue of

1) My husband needing to change just HOURS in advance of his schedualed time (there is NEVER more then a 2-3 hour notice)

2) In the future, it wil make it very hard for the kids to partisipate in ANY regular after-school activies (sports, lessons, etc) since my husband doesn't want to do activities on his time - which would be fine if he had a regualr schedual.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? FL

My husband and I are trying to put our own divorce together to save $$.

We are having an issue regarding visitation. We had agreed to every other weekend, and tues and thurs nights for dinner for the boys father. It is a schedual we have been doing for almost a year (since soon after he moved out).

My husband has a job where, from march-aug, he has a very variable schedual. We had made accomidations to switch weekends when needed, which is not difficult to do, since it is usually know at least a month in advance.

However, we have recently been having problems with the weekday visits. Until recently, the boys did not really have "plans" except with me, so I was very liberal with switching days if needed. They are now 2.5 - and I have gotten them into two activies on my schedualed days (Mondays and Wed) - one being a "gym" class, and the other is a reglar playgroup of local twins their age. The boys currently stay at home (with a Nanny - my husband and I both work) - so we (both my husband and I) agreed that getting them into more activites with kids their age for the purposes of socialization.

The past 6 weeks, he has requested a change for one or both of the weekday visits. While currently, it doesn't really matter if they miss something, going forward, it will. I have sugested to my husband that he take them to their activity if he needs to switch to that day, but he is unwilling to "share" is time with an activity.

We are at loggerheads about this. While I want the boys to have time with their father (obviously) - I am frustrated with the lack of ablity to plan anything in advance, or consistantly participate in any activity. (and frankly- his idea of "work commitment" and mine sometimes differ - I know that some amout of dinners and drinks are needed, but there should be a way to keep most of it to days he doesn't have the boys)

He wants wording that says that any work conflicts will be accomidated - and frankly, I'm not ok with that. It will leave the boys and I in constant limbo.

What is a reasonable way to deal with this. I don't want to subvert his time, but at the same time, I don't want to be set up to be a doormat.

While I sympathize with dad wanting to spend as much time as possible with the children, it is completely unfair for him to expect you to never be able to make plans with the children.

While arranging activities during the day, (as another poster suggested) so that the Nanny is taking them eliminates part of the problem, it doesn't change the fact that he is still expecting you to make the children available to him/trade days with him, on a whim. That simply is not fair.

Dad needs to handle his work schedule so that he gets off work on time on the evenings he has his children, period.

Do not let yourself be set up to be a doormat.

 

[cheesecake46580]

No - I think her suggestion was maybe Mom could schedule activities when the nanny could take the kids while mom AND dad are both working... Time that the kids would be with the nanny anyway - that way it wouldn't interfere with dad's time.

Personally - I prefer a great daycare/preschool myself. I was lucky to find an incredible one for dd - she loved it, and it kept her so busy, and she had tons of friends.

Yes that is exactly what i ment