Question

[2Mistakes]

Summer, I've followed your saga from day 1 on here.

I'm not saying this to be mean (and I don't think CC was, either), but seriously, seek counseling.

I firmly believe that EVERYONE could benefit from therapy.

Until you figure out what's going on inside you, you will be ill-equipped to deal with all of this.

STOP. Act as if they don't exist. They can't do anything you don't let them do.

I have to agree with CC and OG that you seem to feed off the drama. Get into counseling and figure out why that is.

STOP THE INSANITY!

 

[summerdawn]

Summer, I've followed your saga from day 1 on here.

I'm not saying this to be mean (and I don't think CC was, either), but seriously, seek counseling.

I firmly believe that EVERYONE could benefit from therapy.

Until you figure out what's going on inside you, you will be ill-equipped to deal with all of this.

STOP. Act as if they don't exist. They can't do anything you don't let them do.

I have to agree with CC and OG that you seem to feed off the drama. Get into counseling and figure out why that is.

STOP THE INSANITY!

I am.

I called my old counselor (a few weeks ago, when Blue Meanie suggested it) and I am on the wait list. I know that a big part of this has a lot to do with the fear of having my children taken because they were taken before when I was younger (my older two). I know that I am not the person I used to be but it seemed like they took them so easily before, it will probably always be something that subconsciously scares me-the threat of losing my kids.

Counseling is not going to help my court fight, though.

I also noticed on the mediation paperwork that it asks if I am currently in counseling, and it worries me that they could possibly use it against me if I start my counseling before court.

 

[hermom1127]

Counseling could not be used against you and people have to be very careful when trying to use something like that against others.

I empathize with you, Summer, but you have to be the bigger person. It's too easy to cave and sink to their level and while it may give you the immediate gratification that you so desperately want, it can have future ramifications that aren't worth it.

Step back. Breathe....and then let it go.

 

[Perky]

You know, you left R's first name in the proposed email (third post?). I would hate to have the step or her mother find your threads on here by googling.

 

[LdiJ]

Summer, I am going to give you some advice that is not just regarding your court battle but regarding life in general.

I have also been following your story and agree wholeheartedly that the SM and her mother need their heels seriously clipped...BIG TIME.

However, a great deal of what is going on is also your fault. You seem to be falling into a "syndrome" that I see a lot of young women falling into. I call it the "drama syndrome".

Stuff happens in life..life is not perfect and every single person has to deal with some stress and traumna in their life. No ones leads a perfect existance. However, one way to lessen the stress and traumna of life is to NOT feed into the "drama'.

How do you deal with the SM's mother? You don't contact her at all, and if she contacts you, you very cheerfully reply with "I realize that you are trying to help, but you are not a party to this case and therefore I am not going to discuss it with you"...and then you say goodbye and you hang up. She has no power or authority unless you give her power or authority.

You also don't post nasty messages on her website, because all that does is feed into the "drama". What you might do is report her to the Bar Association for practising law without a license, because that sure sounds like what she is doing. However you do that by simply directing them to her website, because that is all they need...they don't need YOUR story. You simply contact them and you say, "I believe that this woman is practising law without a license, here is her website."

How do you handle the SM?...by not dealing with her at all. She cannot fight with you or get aggressive with you or cause you problems if you DISENGAGE. Don't respond to her at all. Stop complaining to dad about her. Don't fight back with her. Simply smile and be polite and get your business done at exchanges. Deal with her overstepping in court. Of course, if she attacks you physically with no provocation, you call the police. Otherwise, no altercations can happen if you refuse to participate.

In reading over this I don't think that I am even explaining well what I mean by the "drama"...however I will try.

If a judge sees a normal, ordinary parent who goes about their business without trying to cause trouble for the other parent (unless the children are truly in danger) then a judge is likely to have a serious problem if the other parent, or the significant other of the other parent, is always creating a lot of "drama".

However, if a judge sees you creating just as much "drama" back, then the judge is likely to view it as two very immature people being equally difficult, and is less likely to be of much help. The judge may not give you help when you really need it, because the judge cannot figure out who is the "bad guy".

Disengage, disengage, disengage.

Get the "drama" out of your life, even if you are the only one who is disengaging. You can't be considered as part of the problem if you are not contributing to the problem.

I see so many young women getting into drama creating, pissing matches, particularly either with the new significant other involved with their children, or with the mother of their new significant other's children. (men do it too, but not nearly to the same extent) that it just makes me want to shake all of them.

However, what bothers me the most, is that the parent who is truly being abused, one way or the other, (which I think is you in this scenario) doesn't get the help that they need from the courts, because they cannot stop themselves from also feeding into the "drama".

Off my soapbox now....

 

[2Mistakes]

Summer, I am going to give you some advice that is not just regarding your court battle but regarding life in general.

I have also been following your story and agree wholeheartedly that the SM and her mother need their heels seriously clipped...BIG TIME.

However, a great deal of what is going on is also your fault. You seem to be falling into a "syndrome" that I see a lot of young women falling into. I call it the "drama syndrome".

Stuff happens in life..life is not perfect and every single person has to deal with some stress and traumna in their life. No ones leads a perfect existance. However, one way to lessen the stress and traumna of life is to NOT feed into the "drama'.

How do you deal with the SM's mother? You don't contact her at all, and if she contacts you, you very cheerfully reply with "I realize that you are trying to help, but you are not a party to this case and therefore I am not going to discuss it with you"...and then you say goodbye and you hang up. She has no power or authority unless you give her power or authority.

You also don't post nasty messages on her website, because all that does is feed into the "drama". What you might do is report her to the Bar Association for practising law without a license, because that sure sounds like what she is doing. However you do that by simply directing them to her website, because that is all they need...they don't need YOUR story. You simply contact them and you say, "I believe that this woman is practising law without a license, here is her website."

How do you handle the SM?...by not dealing with her at all. She cannot fight with you or get aggressive with you or cause you problems if you DISENGAGE. Don't respond to her at all. Stop complaining to dad about her. Don't fight back with her. Simply smile and be polite and get your business done at exchanges. Deal with her overstepping in court. Of course, if she attacks you physically with no provocation, you call the police. Otherwise, no altercations can happen if you refuse to participate.

In reading over this I don't think that I am even explaining well what I mean by the "drama"...however I will try.

If a judge sees a normal, ordinary parent who goes about their business without trying to cause trouble for the other parent (unless the children are truly in danger) then a judge is likely to have a serious problem if the other parent, or the significant other of the other parent, is always creating a lot of "drama".

However, if a judge sees you creating just as much "drama" back, then the judge is likely to view it as two very immature people being equally difficult, and is less likely to be of much help. The judge may not give you help when you really need it, because the judge cannot figure out who is the "bad guy".

Disengage, disengage, disengage.

Get the "drama" out of your life, even if you are the only one who is disengaging. You can't be considered as part of the problem if you are not contributing to the problem.

I see so many young women getting into drama creating, pissing matches, particularly either with the new significant other involved with their children, or with the mother of their new significant other's children. (men do it too, but not nearly to the same extent) that it just makes me want to shake all of them.

However, what bothers me the most, is that the parent who is truly being abused, one way or the other, (which I think is you in this scenario) doesn't get the help that they need from the courts, because they cannot stop themselves from also feeding into the "drama".

Off my soapbox now....

Co-signed 10 million times.

Excellent advice, LDiJ!

 

[LdiJ]

Co-signed 10 million times.

Excellent advice, LDiJ!

Thank you. I am glad that you understood the point I was trying to get across. I hope it was understandable enough for the OP.

 

[2Mistakes]

Thank you. I am glad that you understood the point I was trying to get across. I hope it was understandable enough for the OP.

I definately understood your point.

You and I may not agree on somethings, but on this, I agree 110%.

Summer, after you are done being mad about some of the things said in this thread, sit down alone for some self-reflection.

A journal helps my wife tremendously. She takes it everywhere, sometimes just to jot down a fleeting thought.

But every night before bed, she shuts herself in our room, alone, and thinks about her role in any problems she might have going on. She writes about them, mostly about how her actions cause reactions, and what steps she can take to diminish her problems.

Sometimes she asks me to read it, and sometimes it's just her private thoughts that she wants to keep private.

Since she has started doing this, she is a much happier, mentally healthy person.

She calls it "taking a personal inventory." And she doesn't always like what she sees. Some things are difficult for her to deal with.

I think maybe this is your "crossroads", so to speak. You've been through a lot in your life. Some of it your own doing, some of it not.

Sit down and take a personal inventory. Be completely honest with yourself about the role you play in these problems. You might not like what you see, but you'll feel more empowered to deal with it.

Now is your chance to take control of your life, by seeing and dealing with your own shortcomings that contribute to the problems you have with your wacko ex and his wacko family.

I know none of this is legal advice, but it's life advice that I've learned from watching my wife deal with her own personal demons. And I'm happy to say that I think she's pretty much come out on top.

 

[missdd22]

I definately understood your point.

You and I may not agree on somethings, but on this, I agree 110%.

Summer, after you are done being mad about some of the things said in this thread, sit down alone for some self-reflection.

A journal helps my wife tremendously. She takes it everywhere, sometimes just to jot down a fleeting thought.

But every night before bed, she shuts herself in our room, alone, and thinks about her role in any problems she might have going on. She writes about them, mostly about how her actions cause reactions, and what steps she can take to diminish her problems.

Sometimes she asks me to read it, and sometimes it's just her private thoughts that she wants to keep private.

Since she has started doing this, she is a much happier, mentally healthy person.

She calls it "taking a personal inventory." And she doesn't always like what she sees. Some things are difficult for her to deal with.

I think maybe this is your "crossroads", so to speak. You've been through a lot in your life. Some of it your own doing, some of it not.

Sit down and take a personal inventory. Be completely honest with yourself about the role you play in these problems. You might not like what you see, but you'll feel more empowered to deal with it.

Now is your chance to take control of your life, by seeing and dealing with your own shortcomings that contribute to the problems you have with your wacko ex and his wacko family.

I know none of this is legal advice, but it's life advice that I've learned from watching my wife deal with her own personal demons. And I'm happy to say that I think she's pretty much come out on top.

Oh my gosh! I am so glad I read this. Thank you for sharing it.

Here is something I copied from my daughters homework chart. Her teacher always has inspiring quotes and I think it might help Summer...
"As we grow in maturity and wisdom, we learn that although we cannot choose what life will deliver to us, we can choose how we will respond. As we begin to live our lives more consciously-going back and sifting through the events that helped shape our lives, examining how and why different emotions are triggered in our hearts- we can begin to build an entirely new framework for who we want to be, instead of simply accepting who we ended up being."

 

[Ohiogal]

Co-signed 10 million times.

Excellent advice, LDiJ!

I am going to cosign as well. Excellent and exactly what is going on here.

 

[stealth2]

Anything we don't agree on in mediation will probably be taken on by his lawyer, and how am I equipped to deal with fighting against a trained attorney? I almost feel defeated before I have even walked into the courtroom.

Maybe you'd feel a bit more confident if you invested the time you spend searching for and raving about what SM & her mother do on educating yourself in the law. Seriously.

You seem to think you're the only one with a problem ex/new spouse. Puh-lease. You learn to deal with it and work around it. You really don't seem to have learned a darned thing in your time here.

 

[summerdawn]

Thanks, LDIj, and stealth. I will see about that journal thing, I think it might be a great idea. Lately I just wake up in the morning with that dread of going back to court and wondering what will happen. The child support is behind and i'm having difficulty paying the bills and it is all just snowballing. I know I can always ask you guys for help, but I don't know how much longer i'll have internet, and when it is gone I will lose that support, the only legal support I have. It kinds of sucks that he lays in bed at night knowing everything is being handled for him. Totally not an equal playing field. I feel like I have so much more to lose than he does, as I invest almost my every waking hour in my kids, and he acts like he really doesn't care one way or the other, it seems like mostly the SM and MIL doing all this nonsense in court. He didn't even know anything had been filed on his behalf this time! :\

I was really, really angry and frustrated last night and I figured i'd just go to bed rather than checking the forum over and over and taking it all personally.

Stealth, I have spoken with several local people in the law field, and it seems like the more I think I "know" about court by researching, the more they tell me i'm an idiot. OG gave me a specific clause to put into my CO about not having third parties interfere, and when I spoke with a lawyer he told me it was stupid and there was no way that third parties would be dealt with in my CO, they would have to be tackled with a seperate civil harassment packet. I am pretty sure this is not true, and he just wanted me to pay him to do BOTH things instead of just one (and I ended up not paying him to do either.) I try and try to research what I can do in the courtroom and when I talk to people around here in regards to filling out my paperwork for me they tell me i'm stupid for researching on the internet. A couple have even told me that some of the advice CC gave me was wrong, and I seriously don't believe that. When they asked "Where did you hear that?" I said "Oh, my friend who is a court clerk in a nearby county told me that." [I didn't think it was any of their business that CC told me on an internet forum.] Them: "Oh, that's all wrong, you really need representation. Blah blah blah. Don't be so quick to believe what friends tell you." Even the paralegals i've spoken with always show their rage and frustration instead of just taking my notes and filing them in the paperwork for me. One of them even told me I was a terrible mom and that I didn't fight hard enough to keep them away from dad after the SB courts[not me] gave him visitation. I really feel like i'm being beaten down sometimes, not just by dad's family, but by everyone in the stupid legal field.

I am trying not to feed into the drama, and have been doing better recently, but I will try harder. I didn't post that thing I wanted to post last night, I just left it alone. I have had no interaction with SM since the mid-March thing and although she keeps trying to contact me, I haven't been answering.

The one thing I have going for me, is that everyone I have spoken with agrees that I have a really nice judge, and "i'll do ok with the judge." I guess at least that should give me comfort.

 

[summerdawn]

By the way, I am checking out the rules of court on this page:

California Courts: Rules

I know I need to study Title 1, and Title 5-are there any other portions I should concentrate on?

 

[CourtClerk]

By the way, I am checking out the rules of court on this page:

California Courts: Rules

I know I need to study Title 1, and Title 5-are there any other portions I should concentrate on?

The Local Rules of San Bernardino County
The Civil Code of Procedure
The Family Code

 

[summerdawn]

The Local Rules of San Bernardino County
The Civil Code of Procedure
The Family Code

Thank you very much, CC. I appreciate your help.