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Removing a restraining order

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#1
What is the name of your state? California
Hi there,
This is the first time im posting on here and its because i need to hear some advice. I pretty much know the answer but Im having a hard time finalizing my decision. Here goes:
Ive been in a relationship with a man for 5+ years. Last July our relationship took a major turn for the worst-he was using meth behind my back. I knew his behavior had changed and he wasnt the same in so many ways but I could never prove that he was using drugs. He was a fantastic liar and it really damaged my intuitive soul. I am in no way exempt from accepting at least partial responsibility because I engaged in the fights and kept answering his calls. I became afraid of him; he would constantly accuse me of outlandish acts and even call my work and spread false rumors to intentionally hurt me. Things did get physical and one night he hit me in the face with his phone and broke my glasses. I decided at that time to involve my family who was in the dark about what was going on. They urged me to file a restraining order and move away (we lived a block away from each other at the time). I finally mustered up the courage and went to the courthouse. Many hours, tears, and paperwork later I was back in court telling my story in front of the judge-my twin sister by my side to support me. I was granted the restraining order and a month later moved to the next town over. Months went by and i ran into him at a gas station. He looked clear, healthy, calm, and the coldness from his eyes was no longer a threat. It was gone. He was the man i fell in love with. He told me that he was using drugs and that he was clean and in a program as well as a sober living facility. We talked and then it progressed from there. I knew seeing him was wrong because if i couldnt tell anyone about it then it had to be wrong. But I had missed this pure side of him and it felt good to be with him. It has been almost a year now and we spend almost every day together. Still under the radar due to the RO. I knew my family would never understand or approve so they remained in the dark as well. He has been pressuring me to have the RO removed and i keep telling him i will but i have reservations. I dont trust him 100% and I dont know if he will continue to stay sober. I tell him that i feel this way and his biggest concern is that he will get caught with me and lose his daughter. To be honest I know that the best thing to do would be to let him go and move on but im seriously struggling with that. Please tell me how to find the strength to do the right thing. I know that the previous abuse has had a significant impact on my self esteem and I cant decide whether or not Im thinking as clearly as I feel like I should. He had complete control over me during that time and it was a nightmare. I dont think im over it, in fact I know Im not. Thank you for reading, and thank you in advance for your advice.
Sincerely,
Sandy
 


Just Blue

Senior Member
#2
What is the name of your state? California
Hi there,
This is the first time im posting on here and its because i need to hear some advice. I pretty much know the answer but Im having a hard time finalizing my decision. Here goes:


Ive been in a relationship with a man for 5+ years. Last July our relationship took a major turn for the worst-he was using meth behind my back. I knew his behavior had changed and he wasnt the same in so many ways but I could never prove that he was using drugs. He was a fantastic liar and it really damaged my intuitive soul.

I am in no way exempt from accepting at least partial responsibility because I engaged in the fights and kept answering his calls. I became afraid of him; he would constantly accuse me of outlandish acts and even call my work and spread false rumors to intentionally hurt me. Things did get physical and one night he hit me in the face with his phone and broke my glasses. I decided at that time to involve my family who was in the dark about what was going on. They urged me to file a restraining order and move away (we lived a block away from each other at the time). I finally mustered up the courage and went to the courthouse.

Many hours, tears, and paperwork later I was back in court telling my story in front of the judge-my twin sister by my side to support me. I was granted the restraining order and a month later moved to the next town over. Months went by and i ran into him at a gas station. He looked clear, healthy, calm, and the coldness from his eyes was no longer a threat. It was gone. He was the man i fell in love with. He told me that he was using drugs and that he was clean and in a program as well as a sober living facility. We talked and then it progressed from there. I knew seeing him was wrong because if i couldnt tell anyone about it then it had to be wrong. But I had missed this pure side of him and it felt good to be with him. It has been almost a year now and we spend almost every day together. Still under the radar due to the RO. I knew my family would never understand or approve so they remained in the dark as well.

He has been pressuring me to have the RO removed and i keep telling him i will but i have reservations. I dont trust him 100% and I dont know if he will continue to stay sober. I tell him that i feel this way and his biggest concern is that he will get caught with me and lose his daughter. To be honest I know that the best thing to do would be to let him go and move on but im seriously struggling with that. Please tell me how to find the strength to do the right thing. I know that the previous abuse has had a significant impact on my self esteem and I cant decide whether or not Im thinking as clearly as I feel like I should. He had complete control over me during that time and it was a nightmare. I dont think im over it, in fact I know Im not. Thank you for reading, and thank you in advance for your advice.
Sincerely,
Sandy
Adding some white space for ease of reading.
 

xylene

Senior Member
#5
If cared about him as much as you say, you'd tell him to please leave you alone and obey the RO.

Even if you don't care about yourself, which is not a smart way to see this..

Think of his daughter. And think of him. There is NO WAY he can be properly working a recovery program and be in a relationship with someone secretly, definitely not while surreptitiously violating an RO with an ex he abused.

I'm sure keeping this secret is very thrilling.
Consider that you like thrills and bad boys.
Nothing wrong with that, and nothing special to this guy. Seek counseling for yourself. This is a disaster waiting to happen.
 

Zigner

Senior Member, Non-Attorney
#6
My take on this is that your cunning abuser is up to his old ways. He is putting on an act in order to get you to do what he wants (remove the restraining order). Once the restraining order is gone, then he's got you back under his thumb. It is foolish for you to continue this.
 
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