Required by law to communicate with my son's father?

[LdiJ]

Your rights--and his--will be established when all this goes to court. You will be required to provide whatever that court order says you must provide. I think it's a pretty safe bet that that's going to be a lot more than what you want, but you're not going to have a choice. If he can demonstrate that you are not a cooperative co-parent, he could even be awarded physical custody.

While I agree with this in theory, its VERY unlikely in OP's case. Dad has chosen to be a contractor in Iraq for most of the child's life, therefore he is a virtual stranger to the child. On top of that, when he did return to the states he chose to live on the other side of the country. No matter what mom does at this point, unless she poses an actual, physical danger to the child, dad doesn't have a hope in heck of winning custody.

If she doesn't cooperate after there are court orders, then she would be at risk of losing custody.

Your perception of his past indifference is contradicted by his current desire to communicate with his son, and what you "feel" about his intentions are not going to matter. His relationship with his other son is going to have no bearing on this.

It could have some bearing on dad's willingness to actually follow through with a case.

You might want to start getting used to the idea that a mother isn't more of a parent than a father is. Even if that father walked out on his marriage. You have to separate your bitterness and resentment from what is realistically practical and accept that it is not within your power to make him "pay" for what he's done. He's allowed to leave you, and that doesn't require him to lose his status as a father.

I am not looking at this case as a mother vs a father...and I don't think she is either. I am looking at this case as a custodial parent vs a parent who has chosen to be absent for almost the child's entire life, now trying to make demands upon the other parent, instead of simply doing the right thing and taking it to court.

When you walk into court you want to be able to present a long list of things you have done to facilitate the relationship between your son and his father. You do not want the father to have a list of things you've done to interfere with that.

Again, in this case I honestly don't think it matters. All she needs to have on her list is that he chose to be a contractor in Iraq for almost the child's entire life, and then chose to move to the other side of the country when he returned...and that therefore he is a stranger to the child. When he brings up his attempts at communication via the telephone and web, all mom has to say is "the child is 2 1/2, the child isn't old enough to be able to communicate well via telephone and the web, let alone develop a relationship."

 

[birdbrain53]

OP

I'm also in CA.

Obviously Dad doesn't want to remain married to you. As much as that hurts, you would be wise to get the pain of divorcing over with. The worst part is not writing up the paperwork, but coming to an agreement regarding the property, custody and child support.

California will have jurisdiction in your divorce. I suggest you file for divorce and custody. With the distance between you and the fact that the father has not been around for the bulk of your child's life, you can ask for joint legal with decision making power and sole physical. But be prepared for joint legal/joint physical with primary placement with you.

Have a long distance parenting plan prepared. Some of the senior members said 2 1/2 was too young for web cam visits. I disagree. My niece set up web cam visits for her son when he was 1 1/2 and she was the deployed one in Iraq. Now she is the custodial parent and set up web cam visits for the NCP father. You just have to keep the visits short, like 10-15 minutes max. Also have weekly phone calls. Then graduated physical visits where Dad comes to California to meet with and visit his child. Dad should be responsible for visitation costs since he created the distance. If Dad doesn't show up, keep a log because if he doesn't utilize his visitation, you can go back to court to modify the custodial time. But you will bear the primary responsibility to make sure that your child is available to visit with Dad. And you must make it clear in court that you will do that.

Child support calculations are made with the dissomaster program. The dissomaster program uses variables such as how much you make, how much your husband makes, percentage of timeshare and other factors to arrive at a child support amount. Someone who is very skilled at running this program can give you an edge for arriving at a number that the court will find reasonable. Given that, Dad may balk at paying child support. The easiest way to make sure he pays his support is to have a wage assignment. DCSS does help with that process.

Communications between you and Dad should be restricted to your child, visitations, child's activities, etc. You're not required to listen to abusive language or have to hear about his new love.

HTH

 

[CourtClerk]

OPChild support calculations are made with the dissomaster program

How do you know that the OP's county uses Dissomaster? Not every one of the 58 counties in CA does.

 

[Proserpina]

How do you know that the OP's county uses Dissomaster? Not every one of the 58 counties in CA does.

You've asked birdbrain this question multiple times before...you know you're not going to get a decent response.