?s regarding change of custody, etc.

[readytoscream]

What is the name of your state? Texas

Not sure where to begin.... Ok, my husband has a 12 yr old son (almost 13) from a previous marriage. Over Thanksgiving, we had him and my husband's step-daughter (she's 15) from same mother down visiting us for a week. During that time, both children told us seperately several things that disturbed us. We didn't ask a lot of questions and such as we didn't want to seem to be leading the children on, etc. We know that mother is constantly on internet and phone with other men making plans to meet while her husband is at work. We know that normal punishment for both children by stepfather is no supper (this according to children happens 2 or more times a week.) We were told be both children ( me by her, my husband by him) that the mother has repeatedly told the son that my husband signed all his rights away in the divorce. (He didn't, the decree gives her sole primary residential custody, and my husband liberal visitation custody. It is set up this way as after a year of everytime the court date was set, she would change her mind on something, the last being no joint custody. My husband gave in so that the divorce would be finalized.)
Since then, we've had his son for part of Xmas break, and normal weekend visits. Problems are escalating more and more. On the X-mas break, his son had the clothes he was wearing, and one change of clothing -shorts, for a nine day visit. We have previously bought clothes on several occasions in the past year due to this being a habit. I again went and purchased clothing, this time my husband asked him to leave the clothes here so that if it happened again, he would have clothes.
On January 2, 2006, we returned his son at 8:30 p.m. to his mother at a major retailer at her request. We then went and did a few things that needed done, then headed home. (We live 50 miles from CP) Upon arriving back in town around midnight, we stopped by our business and found a message from CP wanting my husband to call her, no matter how late. Upon arriving home, we found a message from his son, left at 10 p.m. from child's cell phone (his mother gave it to him for Xmas). At the beginning, you can hear CP yelling, "If you're calling your dad, I'm throwing your f***ing phone in the f***ing fireplace. I've had f***ing enough of you today!" At this time, his son is sobbing, and you can't understand rest of what CP is yelling. His son goes on, begging his dad to come get him, to call him, please, please, I love you, please call me, etc... Immediately after that is a message from CP saying, "We seem to have a problem with your son, I need you to call me to see what we need to do about it."
At this time my husband called, and was told by CP that child wouldn't bring clothes into living room so that mother could help fold them. (We still do not understand this, as he had not brought any clothes with him that would need folded upon his return.) My husband's ex then gets pissed and hangs up the phone when my husband asks to speak with his son. He then tries his son's cell phone, and gets nothing, not even a ring. He again tries house number, this time with no answer. At this time, we send sheriff out for welfare check, and ask that they seperate child from mother for questions. They call back and say that after finally being let in the house, son is in bed sleeping.
On most recent visit, he was picked up from our home by CP at 6 p.m. At 8:15 p.m., we get another call from his son, again sounding terrified with CP screaming in the background. The week preceeding this visit, my husband called several times to confirm when and where to pick son up. No calls are returned. When son is asked about this during weekend, we are told that , "Mom says we were too busy to call. I don't know why, all we did was go wonder around the mall and Wal-mart til 8 or 9 after we got out of school, then made to take a bath and go to bed."
Last night, my husband gets a call from son saying that his mom bought him a new phone, and the number he is calling from is it. Within ten minutes, son is calling back in tears and sounding scared again, saying that he wants to move, wants us to come get him. You can hear CP and half-sister yelling and screaming at him in the background, don't believe him, everything is fine. My husband gets his son calmed down, and asks what is going on. Son then tells him that he has again had his phone taken away for calling his dad, he is calling from home line while mother is in bedroom with daughter. CP then gets on phone, sounding mad, telling my husband that everything is fine. He asks her what is going on as this is 2 or 3 times in one week that this has happened. CP tells my husband that she told child that he is to treat step-father as he would his father, same respect, etc. You can hear son in background saying that's not right. CP then hangs up. When try to call back, no answer.
I know this is long, but really haven't touched on a lot of things that have happened.....child left alone for 2 or 3 days, constant belittling of father by both step-father and mother, witnesses to all of this, excessive animals being kept IN THE HOUSE: 2 rabbits, 2 turtles, 1 iguana, 2 cats, 4 dogs, 7 fish. There is still more.....
CPS has been called, but due to caseload, and there not being "immenent" danger, nothing has been done at this time, though they agree the animals alone are a problem.
Does anyone know what can be done that would be immediate? Or is it best to find a lawyer, and let this drag on for months? CP has stated, "He's mine, there is no way in hell he's coming to live with you. I'll claim you're abusive and then you won't even get to see him" (she's tried this before, in fact kept my husband from seeing or talking to his son for 6 months straight, only after being threatened with violation of court order did it stop.) to my husband, and has told son, "But you can't leave me, your dad can't take care of you, and I would be lost without my baby here." I have been trying to find anything and everything I can pertaining to situations such as this, before my husband goes crazy. Any help from anyone would be greatly appreciated!!

 

[Zephyr]

has the child been speaking with the school counselor or any other non biased third party about the trouble at home?

 

[brisgirl825]

Seriously, this is not likely anything that is a change in circumstance.

Unless there are phone calls ordered in the decree, mom does not have to allow them. If dad lives 50 miles away, it is likely long distance to call correct? If mom is paying long distance on a cell, I can understand her frustration.

Mom's affairs are none of your or your husband's business.

I have 4 birds, a cat, and a hamster...someone call CPS. Unless the house is a mess, that doesn't matter either.

So dad should see about getting the child in counseling. Other than that, there is not much that can be done.

 

[Zephyr]

if mom has sole custody I don't think dad can get him in counseling

 

[brisgirl825]

if mom has sole custody I don't think dad can get him in counseling

I missed that. Thanks for pointing it out.

I would say then that dad is SOL.

 

[Ithildriel]

Why would the child need a parent's permission to talk to the school counselor? Dad may not be able to get the kid into other counseling, but he could make this suggestion to his son, couldn't he?

 

[readytoscream]

During divorce proceedings 3 or 4 years ago, child was talking to school counselor, who recommended child be placed with father. He was placed for five weeks with him. This is when mother demanded sole custody for divorce to go through. My husband at that time was advised by lawyer not to, but didn't listen ( his fault, I know) as he didn't understand what may happen in future.

As to the animals, no I do not have a problem with them. In fact, we have two cats. I do question rabbits being kept in the home, in one of the children's bedrooms though. I also question if it is normal to be able to smell the animals from outside with the doors and windows shut, at a distance of 10 to 15 feet.

Ok, exact wording of final decree: CP is shown as sole managing conservator, NCP is shown as Possessory Conservator. My husband, NCP, is given all rights of CP, including psychological, medical, and dental rights to consult with one or all of the above. Only thing CP has the he does not is right to decide where child will live. If more than 100 miles, then CP is supposed to give 30 day written notification. CP is also only one that can apply for passport.

As to phone calls: No, the calls are not long distance, whether land line or cell phone. (In fact, we were the ones who put the minutes on the pre-paid original phone so that he could call us - she bought him a pre-pay tracphone, not the minutes for it.) Decree also says that child shall have access to both parents as deemed reasonable (not after 9 p.m. or before 7 a.m., unless an emergency).

CP is also telling child that father isn't paying support - he is, but state is taking it as she keeps enrolling child in state-funded programs (CHiPs, medicaid, food stamps, etc.)

The only heat in the four bedroom house is one fireplace, to which they have rigged box fans up as to "move heat through the home".

CP has told daughter 3 times in past 6 weeks that she can no longer live there, when daughter has checked self out of school to move in with bio father, suddenly mom comes up with $$$ and buys presents left and right. In fact, this has also happened with husband's son. CP will tell them there is no money, then throw huge parties, will tell them no support being paid, can't afford clothes, but when children are with other parents, CP has bought them game systems, TVs, DVD players, etc, then will call and tell children this in effort to get them to leave NCPs homes early.

We have copies of letters that daughter has written CP documenting questionable activities (these were given by other NC father to us).

Both children have mentioned on several occasions that mother has hidden items pertaining to NCPs (old cards, letters, items given in past relationships) from current husband, then will go in and talk to them, cry, etc. Then will come out telling kids since these men won't have her, they won't have the kids.

Mother has twice tried to take own life, once with children present. Somehow got out of psychological profiling.

When daughter was barely twelve, she got into mother's sexual "toys", and after being caught USING them, it was laughed off as no big deal. During this time, there was also allegations of sexual abuse on 4 yr old child of stepfather's by his mother and a doctor.

CP has several times not allowed children to call NCPs or accept phone calls. Along with this has made a point to have the children somewhere else other than home when time for NCPs to pick them up. Sometimes keeping them out as late as 1 a.m. in effort to keep them from other parents.

CP also can't hold employment, and has been let go from past 7 jobs in three years for theft from employer.

Neither child gets along with step-father, who is only 25. He constantly tells both children how horrible both NCPs are, and how he can't understand why they even want to talk to them, let alone see them, or live with them. Constantly tries to get children against each other, if they won't join in disagreements, will tell them to eat in their rooms, or tell them they aren't allowed to eat.

12 yr. old son made to share snallest room with 6 yr old stepbrother so that CP can have own room for her computer

 

[readytoscream]

As an update, my husband's son just called while mother was at store. Said school went good today, but that mother still isn't speaking to him for calling dad last night. Wants to come down this weekend, but mom won't let him, thinks dad should be able to help. ( We know CP won't, but did leave a message asking.) Was on phone for 2 or 3 minutes, then said "Have to go, mom's home, will get mad if she sees me on here."

Other NCP of daughter also called, said CP called today "ranting and raving" about son talking to dad and the fact that NCPs are talking to one another.

Please, anyone that can give help for modification of custody, or can help due to having been in this situation please respond!!

Husband has tried talking to ex about mediation, she refuses to even discuss it.

We know that in Texas, a child 12 or older can file an affidavit with the court showing preference for managing conservator. Will this really be any help?

 

[brisgirl825]

So this is the kind of situation your husband left the kids in and for what? His ex said that she wouldn't consent to a divorce unless she got what she wanted? And he gave in to get a divorce despite what was in the kids' best interests as determined by a therapist?

Sounds as though neither parent has acted in the children's best interests here. Imagine that.

He has made his bed and must now deal with it. I assume he wanted the divorce quickly in order to marry you correct?

 

[readytoscream]

Not correct, we were just married about 3 months ago (they were divorced 4 years, 2 months ago), did not live together til he had been divorced almost a year. Did not date while he was going through divorce, etc. No prior relationship between us, beyond being aquainted through common friends.

As to sole managing, etc. His lawyer at the time advised against it, then when she read wording of it (it is pretty much worded as a joint conservatorship would be), didn't like the "sole" title, but beyond that there wasn't a problem. It is not a true sole conservatorship, in that he has every right that she has, EXCEPT deciding primary residence. Damn, one of her conditions to giving the divorce was that he had to give her his dog and doghouse. She claimed the lawnmower was a gift for mother's day, the TV for Christmas, etc. He even took on nearly $90,000 in credit card debt and didn't make her take any. It's simply a case of, "I'll do anything to get this done." As outlined in the final decree, he has very liberal visitation, she just doesn't abide by it.

At the time that the counselor suggested living with my husband, his soon to be ex wife was in jail for failure to pay restitution on insufficient funds checks and failure to appear on traffic tickets.

He did not "leave them" in this situation. The situation has gotten much worse over the years. Yes, he was wrong to not fight harder at the time. However, for anyone that has been involved in divorce proceedings that go on for a year or longer, it tends to wear you down, and you don't always do what you should at the time.

When he did start to fight for custody during the divorce, she went to Legal Aid and claimed she needed emergency assistance and a better attorney because he (my husband) was being abusive and had destroyed the house she was living in, even though she had moved 40 miles away while he was out of town a month before. The landlord who she was renting from even signed a statement that this was false, as the damage was done by a previous tenant. At the time my (now) husband even underwent voluntary counseling and psychiatric evaluations to prove other wise. However, after spending somewhere around $10,000 that he didn't have, he gave up the fight. Was he right in doing this? Some will say yes, some will say no. Either way, that was then, this is now, and he really would like some advice on how to proceed, not judgements passed by others who make assumptions.

 

[brisgirl825]

Not correct, we were just married about 3 months ago (they were divorced 4 years, 2 months ago), did not live together til he had been divorced almost a year. Did not date while he was going through divorce, etc. No prior relationship between us, beyond being aquainted through common friends.

As to sole managing, etc. His lawyer at the time advised against it, then when she read wording of it (it is pretty much worded as a joint conservatorship would be), didn't like the "sole" title, but beyond that there wasn't a problem. It is not a true sole conservatorship, in that he has every right that she has, EXCEPT deciding primary residence. Damn, one of her conditions to giving the divorce was that he had to give her his dog and doghouse. She claimed the lawnmower was a gift for mother's day, the TV for Christmas, etc. He even took on nearly $90,000 in credit card debt and didn't make her take any. It's simply a case of, "I'll do anything to get this done." As outlined in the final decree, he has very liberal visitation, she just doesn't abide by it.

At the time that the counselor suggested living with my husband, his soon to be ex wife was in jail for failure to pay restitution on insufficient funds checks and failure to appear on traffic tickets.

He did not "leave them" in this situation. The situation has gotten much worse over the years. Yes, he was wrong to not fight harder at the time. However, for anyone that has been involved in divorce proceedings that go on for a year or longer, it tends to wear you down, and you don't always do what you should at the time.

When he did start to fight for custody during the divorce, she went to Legal Aid and claimed she needed emergency assistance and a better attorney because he (my husband) was being abusive and had destroyed the house she was living in, even though she had moved 40 miles away while he was out of town a month before. The landlord who she was renting from even signed a statement that this was false, as the damage was done by a previous tenant. At the time my (now) husband even underwent voluntary counseling and psychiatric evaluations to prove other wise. However, after spending somewhere around $10,000 that he didn't have, he gave up the fight. Was he right in doing this? Some will say yes, some will say no. Either way, that was then, this is now, and he really would like some advice on how to proceed, not judgements passed by others who make assumptions.

Lady, you got advice. Dad has nothing on mom that would constitute a change in circumstance. He gave up his chance and must now live with it.

Your husband's situation is on here everyday. He doesn't like, this, that, and the other...well guess what, that is divorce. You and your husband are not helping the situation with the kids. You two are nit-picking in order to gain the upper hand. You say that police have been to mom's home, after your call to them and they found nothing wrong, yet you accuse mom of having so many animals that the house smells from outside. Sounds like bs to me.

Mom has tried to commit suicide and dad does nothing. Daughter is getting into sex toys and sex abuse allegations circulating, dad does nothing. But now that the child is crying on the phone, mom has too many animals, and the kids are *gasp* made to share a room, he is up in arms.

Grow up and learn to deal with the situation you married into and tell your hubby to grow up and deal with the sitaution he made. Mom going to jail should have been his first clue to not give up.

 

[broad007]

Being Mean

Okay, just reading this post has me fuming!! This lady is asking for help not for criticism! She even admits that yes, wrong decisions were made by her husband, no one is perfect! Not for you to pass judgment upon her family and the PAST circumstances they have been through. She feels as though this child is not SAFE or happy and all she needs is info on how to help the situation. I was in a similar situation, still am, but at least I was able to get it worked out, have my children with me! So please, if you feel that you cannot, in the least, help this woman, just don't say anything if it's mean. Picking on an individual is not helping her situation. If you really can help her, then, by all means, do it! Otherwise, don't just beat her down. Have a little sympathy for these people who, from the sounds of it, are in a very difficult situation.

 

[Zephyr]

We know that in Texas, a child 12 or older can file an affidavit with the court showing preference for managing conservator. Will this really be any help?


there was another post on here a while ago, I looked and couldn't find it, but I thought it said the child signing this affidavit was enough for a parent to bring the matter back into court- your best bet at this point would probably be to get a consult with a local attorney, explain to him the child's desire to move and willingness to sign the affidavit, and see what s/he says. If s/he thinks it's enough to get the matter into the court, then once you are in court all the other stuff can be brought out.

 

[weenor]

I would agree with Zephyr- we do not know when these events you speak of happened. If they happened prior to the divorce being final then too bad. If they happened after and Dad did nothing for a year or two, too bad. The events must be serious and relatively recent to constitute a material change in circumstances sufficient to change physical placement. Get a lawyer!

 

[casa]

Affidavit of Preference or some such wording...in TX can be used for a child age 12+

Any parent or concerned adult can contact the school counselor. A child doesn't need either parent's permission to approach a school counselor- and as mandated reporters, anything abusive/neglectful would be reported to the authorities.