School activities

[tornado88]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Illinois

I have had an issue come up this past weekend that I had never really considered before and need some advice please. My daughter plays on her junior high softball team. The team won sectionals on Saturday and plays on Friday at the state level. If they win Friday they will play 2 games on Saturday. I'm sure you can already see where this is going. Yes, this upcoming weekend is her weekend to go to her dad's. I called him as soon as we got home from the sectional game to see about changing weekends so she can go. He has outright refused to allow her to go saying that it is his time and he gets to decide if he wans her to go. I tried explaining to him that this is a special occasion and that very few kids get to play at state levels. The girls are very likely to win at state and she wants to be a part of it. No amount of talking, begging or compromising changed his mind. I ended up calling an attorney who in turn called his attorney who then called and talked dad into letting her go. We were going to file and emergancy injunction to have a judge make the determination about her being able to go. So fortunately, this time its taken care of and she will be allowed to participate.

My question then is: is there anything I can do, anything we can have added to the court papers that will make it so the children can participate in their school events? I'm not talking about letting them be in everything that catches their attention. Dad has said he would refuse to allow them to play in games on his time or attend any Christmas concerts (even if its required for a grade) while on his time. He has done this in the past and fully believe he would carry through on his threat/promise. We were lucky that during softball season there were no games on his time.

I realize he has a right to have his time uninterrupted and I do my best to never schedule anything for his time, but I can not control what the school schedules or issues like the state games. Are the kids just out of luck or is there something I can do to help?

 

[xylene]

Are the kids just out of luck or is there something I can do to help?

Let me guess, there must be a least a few things that you and Dad are at loggerheads about.

It certainly seems like dads limited amount of time is justifiably one of them.

I can't possibly imagine that one of the compromises you offered was an increase in the total amount of time for dad?

I think you are going to find Dad's inflexibility is born from your getting your way in the strict limits on his time.

 

[tornado88]

I have no idea where you are getting your idea about me limiting dad's time. As a matter of fact I offered Dad two weekends in exchange for this one and still no compromise on his part. Maybe I should have offerred three weekends, I don't know. What I do know is that he was not even willing to discuss the issue with me.

I do not limit his time, I do not do anything to take his time away from him in anyway.

 

[LdiJ]

I have no idea where you are getting your idea about me limiting dad's time. As a matter of fact I offered Dad two weekends in exchange for this one and still no compromise on his part. Maybe I should have offerred three weekends, I don't know. What I do know is that he was not even willing to discuss the issue with me.

I do not limit his time, I do not do anything to take his time away from him in anyway.

I am not really sure where Xylene was coming from on that, but I absolutely despire parents who do this. Instead of being proud and excited that his child was getting to participate in the state tournament, he refuses to allow her to do it because its on "his time".

Yes, it IS possible to get it added to orders that parents must cooperate with the children's activities on their time...as long as the activities are limited to a reasonable level so that the activities are not constantly interrupting the parent's time.

However, I wouldn't go that route just yet. The fact that his attorney talked him into it means that his attorney probably had a bit of a "come to Jesus" talk with him about it, and he may be more reasonable the next time around.

If it happens again though, I would probably try to get something ordered.

 

[xylene]

I have no idea where you are getting your idea about me limiting dad's time.

Dad has the kid for "his weekend", how many of those are there?

You got your way, and still you see it as Dad is evil for wanting what is in the court order.

I am just not willing to accept that Dad is the bad guy because the nature of an adversarial divorce and custody forces him to play brinksmanship.

How many issues have you caved in on for the ex?

 

[nextwife]

Dad has said he would refuse to allow them to play in games on his time or attend any Christmas concerts (even if its required for a grade) while on his time.

Aren't the Winter Concerts done on a school night? Is the child in public school? They cannot make a child participate in a CHRISTMAS event as a requirement of a grade, if in public school.

 

[mistoffolees]

In theory, you might be able to get an emergency hearing to modify visitation and require Dad to let the kids attend the tournament. However, it will be time consuming and expensive - and there's no guarantee that you'll win (or even get a hearing). And even if you do win, your already dismal relationship with Dad gets even worse.

I would therefore suggest trying some other non-litigation ideas. Think outside of the box.

What else can you offer him? What is important to Dad? What if you offer him the two weekends and also agree to drop the kids off and bring them back?

Or maybe it's simply you that Dad can't get along with. Ask the coach to call to see if something can be worked out.

In the end, though, Dad has every right to insist on following the court order to the letter. There is undoubtedly some history there which makes him think that's the best option for him. So unless you can convince him to voluntarily let the kids play, if you interfere with his visitation, you could be found in contempt of court.

 

[tornado88]

They are actually called "Holiday Concerts" now and they are held on the second Wednesday evening of December every year, which is his midweek parenting time. Yes, they do still get a participation grade.

 

[tornado88]

Dad has the kid for "his weekend", how many of those are there?

You got your way, and still you see it as Dad is evil for wanting what is in the court order.

I am just not willing to accept that Dad is the bad guy because the nature of an adversarial divorce and custody forces him to play brinksmanship.

How many issues have you caved in on for the ex?

I'm sorry you see it that way. I don't. I see it as our daughter getting to particpate in a state tournament. Something many children never get the chance to do.

How many issues have I caved in on? MANY. The last one is costing me several extra dollars every month because I unblocked dad's number from our daughter's phone even though Dad has told me he will call all he wants and as often as he wants. And he does. His plan is to use his child support money in phone bills so I can't use it for anything else. His words, not mine. So, yes, I do give in to his wishes as well.

 

[Silverplum]

They are actually called "Holiday Concerts" now and they are held on the second Wednesday evening of December every year, which is his midweek parenting time. Yes, they do still get a participation grade.

Looks like lots of time-stealing events occur on Dad's time.

You need a long-term solution, instead of just informing him that you are, once again, taking over his limited time.

 

[xylene]

How many issues have I caved in on? MANY. The last one is costing me several extra dollars every month because I unblocked dad's number from our daughter's phone even though Dad has told me he will call all he wants and as often as he wants. And he does. His plan is to use his child support money in phone bills so I can't use it for anything else. His words, not mine. So, yes, I do give in to his wishes as well.

You clearly are in battle mode, and have been for a long time. I saw that from the first post, and you proved it here.

I don't see dad calling your daughter is costing anything.

 

[Banned_Princess]

You clearly are in battle mode, and have been for a long time. I saw that from the first post, and you proved it here.

I don't see dad calling your daughter is costing anything.

Seriously. phone calls costing you money?

you are aware there are unlimited plans starting at under 50.00 a month???

 

[nextwife]

Seriously. phone calls costing you money?

you are aware there are unlimited plans starting at under 50.00 a month???

Yup. My hubby now has unlimited internet, and phone on his cel for $50/mo.

 

[LdiJ]

Looks like lots of time-stealing events occur on Dad's time.

You need a long-term solution, instead of just informing him that you are, once again, taking over his limited time.

Where do you get that? A one time state tournament and a once a year school concert?

 

[Silverplum]

Where do you get that? A one time state tournament and a once a year school concert?

I read. It's interesting.