Separated, what to do?

[afng21]

What is the name of your state? IN

I asked my husband for a divorce three times the week of Christmas. He packed up and left on Christmas day and hasn't been back since. I applied through our local child support office to receive child support. I applied with Indiana Legal Services to hopefully get representation. There is a long history of abuse, mostly emotional and verbal. There have been some physical abuse, but nothing serious and it's been probably 6 months since the last time. He was arrested once for a domestic in 2016. After that the cops have been called probably 5-10 times with no arrests made.

We have two boys together (4 & 1) that he didn't even bother asking about until 5-6 days after he left. Prior to that he managed to message me regarding how we'd be filing taxes and what I planned on doing with the refund, as well as to ask if I got the new stimulus check. I had offered to let him see the boys - messaged him at 11:30 the night before I offered - and he didn't respond until 6pm the next night. He said he would come the following day, but never showed up. He did see them yesterday for about 25 minutes and said he'd be back in a few hours. I told him that this isn't his house anymore and he can't just come and go as he pleases without talking to me first.

He's now threatening to call CPS on me simply for not going along with what he's asking. I have 2 main questions.

1. What is the best way to document the abuse? It was so frequent that I didn't keep a log or anything, but I can list incidents that have happened and a general time frame. Is there a way to get police reports if they came out but never arrested anyone?
2. Without a current parenting time order, am I obligated to give him any overnight parenting time? Will it look worse on me if I don't?

 

[Just Blue]

What is the name of your state? IN

I asked my husband for a divorce three times the week of Christmas. He packed up and left on Christmas day and hasn't been back since. I applied through our local child support office to receive child support. I applied with Indiana Legal Services to hopefully get representation. There is a long history of abuse, mostly emotional and verbal. There have been some physical abuse, but nothing serious and it's been probably 6 months since the last time. He was arrested once for a domestic in 2016. After that the cops have been called probably 5-10 times with no arrests made.

We have two boys together (4 & 1) that he didn't even bother asking about until 5-6 days after he left. Prior to that he managed to message me regarding how we'd be filing taxes and what I planned on doing with the refund, as well as to ask if I got the new stimulus check. I had offered to let him see the boys - messaged him at 11:30 the night before I offered - and he didn't respond until 6pm the next night. He said he would come the following day, but never showed up. He did see them yesterday for about 25 minutes and said he'd be back in a few hours. I told him that this isn't his house anymore and he can't just come and go as he pleases without talking to me first.

He's now threatening to call CPS on me simply for not going along with what he's asking. I have 2 main questions.

1. What is the best way to document the abuse? It was so frequent that I didn't keep a log or anything, but I can list incidents that have happened and a general time frame. Is there a way to get police reports if they came out but never arrested anyone?
2. Without a current parenting time order, am I obligated to give him any overnight parenting time? Will it look worse on me if I don't?

1. Police reports and arrest records. The police may have made an incident report, check with the responding officers/police dept.
2. No, you do not have to allow overnight parenting time but yes, it will look bad if you deny Dad time with his children.

I do want to correct you on one thing...the home is still as much his as it is yours and you can not stop your husband from coming to his home with out a court order.

 

[afng21]

1. Police reports and arrest records. The police may have made an incident report, check with the responding officers/police dept.
2. No, you do not have to allow overnight parenting time but yes, it will look bad if you deny Dad time with his children.

I do want to correct you on one thing...the home is still as much his as it is yours and you can not stop your husband from coming to his home with out a court order.

I believe he contacted the landlord and will be removing himself from the lease. Does that make a difference as far as the house goes?

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state? IN

I asked my husband for a divorce three times the week of Christmas. He packed up and left on Christmas day and hasn't been back since. I applied through our local child support office to receive child support. I applied with Indiana Legal Services to hopefully get representation. There is a long history of abuse, mostly emotional and verbal. There have been some physical abuse, but nothing serious and it's been probably 6 months since the last time. He was arrested once for a domestic in 2016. After that the cops have been called probably 5-10 times with no arrests made.

We have two boys together (4 & 1) that he didn't even bother asking about until 5-6 days after he left. Prior to that he managed to message me regarding how we'd be filing taxes and what I planned on doing with the refund, as well as to ask if I got the new stimulus check. I had offered to let him see the boys - messaged him at 11:30 the night before I offered - and he didn't respond until 6pm the next night. He said he would come the following day, but never showed up. He did see them yesterday for about 25 minutes and said he'd be back in a few hours. I told him that this isn't his house anymore and he can't just come and go as he pleases without talking to me first.

He's now threatening to call CPS on me simply for not going along with what he's asking. I have 2 main questions.

1. What is the best way to document the abuse? It was so frequent that I didn't keep a log or anything, but I can list incidents that have happened and a general time frame. Is there a way to get police reports if they came out but never arrested anyone?
2. Without a current parenting time order, am I obligated to give him any overnight parenting time? Will it look worse on me if I don't?

A) That is his home and you have no right to keep him out.
B) He is entitled to the same parenting time you are. How dare you think you dictate things.
C) What evidence do you have of any abuse? What proof that it happened?

 

[Ohiogal]

I believe he contacted the landlord and will be removing himself from the lease. Does that make a difference as far as the house goes?

Nope. It is the marital residence. And he can't just remove himself from the lease.

 

[Just Blue]

@afng21 Just to let you know, Ohiogal is a site vetted Attorney/Guardian Ad Litem.

 

[stealth2]

1. What is the best way to document the abuse? It was so frequent that I didn't keep a log or anything, but I can list incidents that have happened and a general time frame.

As posted above, you would need to present arrest records, convictions and (possibly) police reports - although w/o an ensuing arrest, those are not as strong. Emotional and psychological abuse is infinitely more difficult to prove.

You can also expect his legal representatives to point out that you remained married to him and apparently had another child, despite the alleged abuse.

 

[afng21]

I don't know how to reply to multiple questions in one comment.

There is the history of arrest for the domestic. There would hopefully be police reports for all the times the cops were called. I was mostly wondering if there's a way to document the emotional abuse, but it sounds like that's irrelevant.

The landlord is the one who messaged me saying our lease was expired and I should sign a new one without my husband. Our lease doesn't expire until March, and when I questioned it he said "What I meant to say was the lease expires in March, do you want to sign a new one without X? He was supposed to meet me to remove himself from the lease." So the landlord seems under the impression that he can remove my husband from the lease and I can sign a new one and stay in the house.

I understand that I had another child, but that doesn't mean he wasn't abusive. I understand that he has a right to parenting time, but there is no court order so I wasn't sure how to handle that in the meantime.

Thank you all for your comments.

 

[stealth2]

The problem with police reports w/o an ensuing arrest is that they pretty much only show that you called & they came out - but there was no reason to arrest him. I'd certainly discuss with your lawyer.

 

[Just Blue]

I don't know how to reply to multiple questions in one comment.

There is the history of arrest for the domestic. There would hopefully be police reports for all the times the cops were called. I was mostly wondering if there's a way to document the emotional abuse, but it sounds like that's irrelevant.

The landlord is the one who messaged me saying our lease was expired and I should sign a new one without my husband. Our lease doesn't expire until March, and when I questioned it he said "What I meant to say was the lease expires in March, do you want to sign a new one without X? He was supposed to meet me to remove himself from the lease." So the landlord seems under the impression that he can remove my husband from the lease and I can sign a new one and stay in the house.

I understand that I had another child, but that doesn't mean he wasn't abusive. I understand that he has a right to parenting time, but there is no court order so I wasn't sure how to handle that in the meantime.

Thank you all for your comments.

Was he convicted of DV when he was arrested? Did you cooperate with the DA or did you ask that the charges be dropped?

 

[Eekamouse]

What is the name of your state? IN

I asked my husband for a divorce three times the week of Christmas. He packed up and left on Christmas day and hasn't been back since. I applied through our local child support office to receive child support. I applied with Indiana Legal Services to hopefully get representation. There is a long history of abuse, mostly emotional and verbal. There have been some physical abuse, but nothing serious and it's been probably 6 months since the last time. He was arrested once for a domestic in 2016. After that the cops have been called probably 5-10 times with no arrests made.

We have two boys together (4 & 1) that he didn't even bother asking about until 5-6 days after he left. Prior to that he managed to message me regarding how we'd be filing taxes and what I planned on doing with the refund, as well as to ask if I got the new stimulus check. I had offered to let him see the boys - messaged him at 11:30 the night before I offered - and he didn't respond until 6pm the next night. He said he would come the following day, but never showed up. He did see them yesterday for about 25 minutes and said he'd be back in a few hours. I told him that this isn't his house anymore and he can't just come and go as he pleases without talking to me first.

He's now threatening to call CPS on me simply for not going along with what he's asking. I have 2 main questions.

1. What is the best way to document the abuse? It was so frequent that I didn't keep a log or anything, but I can list incidents that have happened and a general time frame. Is there a way to get police reports if they came out but never arrested anyone?
2. Without a current parenting time order, am I obligated to give him any overnight parenting time? Will it look worse on me if I don't?

I assume you didn't just take the emotional and verbal abuse. I assume you fought back. Why else would the cops be called 5-10 times if not for all the screaming and yelling coming from your house? It sounds like he can also claim verbal and emotional abuse since he was only arrested once. What happened with that arrest? Did he plead guilty or did the DA decline to press charges?

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state? IN

I asked my husband for a divorce three times the week of Christmas. He packed up and left on Christmas day and hasn't been back since. I applied through our local child support office to receive child support. I applied with Indiana Legal Services to hopefully get representation. There is a long history of abuse, mostly emotional and verbal. There have been some physical abuse, but nothing serious and it's been probably 6 months since the last time. He was arrested once for a domestic in 2016. After that the cops have been called probably 5-10 times with no arrests made.

We have two boys together (4 & 1) that he didn't even bother asking about until 5-6 days after he left. Prior to that he managed to message me regarding how we'd be filing taxes and what I planned on doing with the refund, as well as to ask if I got the new stimulus check. I had offered to let him see the boys - messaged him at 11:30 the night before I offered - and he didn't respond until 6pm the next night. He said he would come the following day, but never showed up. He did see them yesterday for about 25 minutes and said he'd be back in a few hours. I told him that this isn't his house anymore and he can't just come and go as he pleases without talking to me first.

He's now threatening to call CPS on me simply for not going along with what he's asking. I have 2 main questions.

1. What is the best way to document the abuse? It was so frequent that I didn't keep a log or anything, but I can list incidents that have happened and a general time frame. Is there a way to get police reports if they came out but never arrested anyone?
2. Without a current parenting time order, am I obligated to give him any overnight parenting time? Will it look worse on me if I don't?

CPS will have absolutely no interest in having anything to do with the fact that you aren't doing what he wants you to do. That is simply a ridiculous threat.

You can get copies of any police reports that exist.

Trying to document past abuse if no documentation exists now is a pointless endeavor.

Now, on to legal reality. He has the right to enter and live in the marital home until a judge says otherwise. So legally, he CAN come and go as he pleases. If you feel that you are not safe under those circumstances, then you need to file for divorce and ask the judge to order that you have exclusive use of the marital home. If you honestly believe that your safety is so much at risk that you cannot wait for that, then you need to file for a restraining order...however, you better have some solid evidence that you are not safe.

If he has not been legally proven to be abusive to the children then he will get parenting time according to the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines. You need to google those and read them thoroughly. They outline how you will be expected to share your children.

 

[Ohiogal]

I don't know how to reply to multiple questions in one comment.

There is the history of arrest for the domestic. There would hopefully be police reports for all the times the cops were called. I was mostly wondering if there's a way to document the emotional abuse, but it sounds like that's irrelevant.

An arrest doesn't matter if he was not convicted quite frankly. And if he was convicted and you chose to live together as man and wife afterwards, you forgave him. Police reports are hearsay. They don't matter if there was no arrest.

The landlord is the one who messaged me saying our lease was expired and I should sign a new one without my husband. Our lease doesn't expire until March, and when I questioned it he said "What I meant to say was the lease expires in March, do you want to sign a new one without X? He was supposed to meet me to remove himself from the lease." So the landlord seems under the impression that he can remove my husband from the lease and I can sign a new one and stay in the house.

You can sign a new lease in March and your husband and landlord can agree to remove him. But your husband cannot unilaterally say he is off the lease. That still doesn't change the fact that it is the marital residence.

I understand that I had another child, but that doesn't mean he wasn't abusive. I understand that he has a right to parenting time, but there is no court order so I wasn't sure how to handle that in the meantime.

Thank you all for your comments.

He is entitled to the same parenting time to which you are entitled. You play keep away with the children and then you end up at some point on the receiving end of that treatment.

 

[afng21]

Was he convicted of DV when he was arrested? Did you cooperate with the DA or did you ask that the charges be dropped?

I assume you didn't just take the emotional and verbal abuse. I assume you fought back. Why else would the cops be called 5-10 times if not for all the screaming and yelling coming from your house? It sounds like he can also claim verbal and emotional abuse since he was only arrested once. What happened with that arrest? Did he plead guilty or did the DA decline to press charges?

He plead guilty. As far as the other instances, I called on all but one of them. It was never an outside person calling. There were no arrests made because it was for things like him shutting off the electricity at the breaker box and preventing me from turning it on, or him trapping me in a room after lifting the mattress off the bed while I was laying on it and using it to corner me. It wasn't him outright hitting me. Because he was always drunk, the police asked that I packed up the kids in the middle of the night and leave. The one time he called them was when he was drunk, injured himself and called them to tell them I did it to him. He waited until they were pulling out the handcuffs to arrest me before breaking down and saying he did it himself. Alcohol was a central theme to almost all of the arguments where the cops were called. Yes, of course there were times I fought back verbally. Even if I tried to separate myself from him he would always come into the room I was in and continue.

It was not a good situation, and I'm not saying that I'm trying to keep the kids from him. I just wanted to know the best route to take while the divorce has not been filed for yet. I assume even when it is filed it takes a period of time to get provisional orders set.

 

[Just Blue]

He plead guilty. As far as the other instances, I called on all but one of them. It was never an outside person calling. There were no arrests made because it was for things like him shutting off the electricity at the breaker box and preventing me from turning it on, or him trapping me in a room after lifting the mattress off the bed while I was laying on it and using it to corner me. It wasn't him outright hitting me. Because he was always drunk, the police asked that I packed up the kids in the middle of the night and leave. The one time he called them was when he was drunk, injured himself and called them to tell them I did it to him. He waited until they were pulling out the handcuffs to arrest me before breaking down and saying he did it himself. Alcohol was a central theme to almost all of the arguments where the cops were called. Yes, of course there were times I fought back verbally. Even if I tried to separate myself from him he would always come into the room I was in and continue.

It was not a good situation, and I'm not saying that I'm trying to keep the kids from him. I just wanted to know the best route to take while the divorce has not been filed for yet. I assume even when it is filed it takes a period of time to get provisional orders set.

What did he plead to? Why did you stay with him? Was there a RO issued as part of the plea? Have you gotten domestic violence therapy? Have you placed your oldest child in therapy to help him deal with the domestic violence he has witnessed?


Call the IN. Bar Association and ask for a few referrals ...have a consult with them to find out the best way to handle your current situation (many attorney's do a reduced initial consult from a bar referral).
https://www.inbar.org/