Setting boundaries at work

[Marlena777]

What is the name of your state? Florida

I worked at the same job for the past 9 years. Love what i do. I have a boss who is almost 3 times older then i am. & 6 month ago he got into a hospital and probably thought that he’d die so he wrote me an email talking about being in love with me. Should be a good thing to know this, but i did not like reading about it. I got over that, making a mental note to myself that if anything inappropriate will happen i’d leave right away.
About a month ago, he started sending me text messages on weekends and after work. Like good morning and flower emoji messages, or just flower emojis, smiles, or a photo of himself at golf, or whatever. I ignore completely those messages, thinking that he will get the “ignore” vibe from me and stop doing it. Now he is sending emoji flowers every other day. I am so angry and irritateted and dont know how to stop it. I am at the point of being rude to him, but trying my best to stay professional. His confession really made me question my abilities , skills and the reason why i have the job. Hurt my self esteem. I like what i do, i like that my work is close to home, i am ok with my pay and afraid if i leave i will not get anything better. I dont know how to professionally, soft and in a strong way tell him to stop this nonsense with texting. Btw, he has a wife. I am single and i am thinking if I get a boyfriend how in the world will i be able to explain those messages to him?

My main fear is i might reply to him to stop texting and come off too rude , create even more uncomfortable work environment for myself and then lose the job. Is there a soft, professional way to handle the situation with the possibility of keeping the job and maintaining professional relationships at work.

Any advice?
TIA

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state? Florida

I worked at the same job for the past 9 years. Love what i do. I have a boss who is almost 3 times older then i am. & 6 month ago he got into a hospital and probably thought that he’d die so he wrote me an email talking about being in love with me. Should be a good thing to know this, but i did not like reading about it. I got over that, making a mental note to myself that if anything inappropriate will happen i’d leave right away.
About a month ago, he started sending me text messages on weekends and after work. Like good morning and flower emoji messages, or just flower emojis, smiles, or a photo of himself at golf, or whatever. I ignore completely those messages, thinking that he will get the “ignore” vibe from me and stop doing it. Now he is sending emoji flowers every other day. I am so angry and irritateted and dont know how to stop it. I am at the point of being rude to him, but trying my best to stay professional. His confession really made me question my abilities , skills and the reason why i have the job. Hurt my self esteem. I like what i do, i like that my work is close to home, i am ok with my pay and afraid if i leave i will not get anything better. I dont know how to professionally, soft and in a strong way tell him to stop this nonsense with texting. Btw, he has a wife. I am single and i am thinking if I get a boyfriend how in the world will i be able to explain those messages to him?

My main fear is i might reply to him to stop texting and come off too rude , create even more uncomfortable work environment for myself and then lose the job. Is there a soft, professional way to handle the situation with the possibility of keeping the job and maintaining professional relationships at work.

Any advice?
TIA

I am sorry you are having to deal with that. There is, unfortunately no good way to deal with the problem that will guarantee that there are no hard feelings between you and that will guarantee that work will remain pleasant. I recommend that you start looking for another job and when you find one, then address the issue.

 

[Just Blue]

What is the name of your state? Florida

I worked at the same job for the past 9 years. Love what i do. I have a boss who is almost 3 times older then i am. & 6 month ago he got into a hospital and probably thought that he’d die so he wrote me an email talking about being in love with me. Should be a good thing to know this, but i did not like reading about it. I got over that, making a mental note to myself that if anything inappropriate will happen i’d leave right away.
About a month ago, he started sending me text messages on weekends and after work. Like good morning and flower emoji messages, or just flower emojis, smiles, or a photo of himself at golf, or whatever. I ignore completely those messages, thinking that he will get the “ignore” vibe from me and stop doing it. Now he is sending emoji flowers every other day. I am so angry and irritateted and dont know how to stop it. I am at the point of being rude to him, but trying my best to stay professional. His confession really made me question my abilities , skills and the reason why i have the job. Hurt my self esteem. I like what i do, i like that my work is close to home, i am ok with my pay and afraid if i leave i will not get anything better. I dont know how to professionally, soft and in a strong way tell him to stop this nonsense with texting. Btw, he has a wife. I am single and i am thinking if I get a boyfriend how in the world will i be able to explain those messages to him?

My main fear is i might reply to him to stop texting and come off too rude , create even more uncomfortable work environment for myself and then lose the job. Is there a soft, professional way to handle the situation with the possibility of keeping the job and maintaining professional relationships at work.

Any advice?
TIA

Go and speak to your HR Director about this.

 

[eerelations]

Here's something you can say in an email to him: "Your confession about your feelings towards me, and the emails with flowers and emojis that followed, have made me very uncomfortable. As a result, I'm not enjoying my job here nearly as much as I used to. Can you please stop with the unprofessional flowers and emojis and limit your emails etc. to me to strictly work matters? Thank you."

Save that email and every other inappropriate email he's ever sent to you. If he reacts badly to the email you send him (see above), and/or he continues sending you inappropriate emails, go and tell HR. Show them the emails you've saved.

Please let us know what happens.

 

[commentator]

Would I be wrong in suspecting that this is a small operation with possibly no HR to go to?

It is important for both your mental health and HIS mental health that you make it clear to him you like and respect him, but do not think of him as a love interest. Keep hard paper copies of all such communications, keep these somewhere else besides on company email and/or in the company office files. A lot depends on whether this is a business of any size or not, where there are other people that might intervene. But if this is a small situation, say for example, a company owner, yourself and another employee or two, this is going to get uncomfortable quickly.

What if, for example, I know of something like this happening, this man waits till late Friday evening, when everyone else is gone, and makes his big play for your affections? ("Here are two tickets to the Bahamas darling! Let's blow this joint!") Chases you around the desk? Says because you didn't respond AT ALL to his texts, emails, emojis, that he has assumed you were okay with it? Of course it will be time then for you to get your things and leave safely if possible. Call the police if he is too persistent or keeps you from leaving or lays hands on you in any way. And you've got to find another job.

This way things are is not going to last forever and there is no "soft" way you can express your disinterest in him. You will not be able to go back to things being as they were in the past. If this is a small business, as I said, he may definitely have the power to terminate you, or you may find yourself having to quit the job. That's just the way it is. Keep yourself SAFE, as it doesn't sound like this person is using the very best judgment in the world and may not be thinking rationally.

But do not think your total silence about the matter is going to be interpreted as anything except that you DO like what he's saying and doing. And that may be putting you in actual danger.

 

[eerelations]

OP if you don't have an HR department/person at your workplace, and he reacts badly to your polite, professional email, then I reco you go straight to the EEOC. They will ask you what you did to try and stop the behavior, and you can show them the email you sent (this is why I say you should tell him in an email, because then you'll have a record of you telling him). If they ask you why you didn't go to HR about it, you can tell them there is no HR at your workplace.

(Please note that going to the EEOC is a job-protected act. Your employer cannot legally fire you for doing this.)

If he reacts badly and his bad reaction is via email, then bring those emails to the EEOC. If his bad reaction isn't via email, then document everything he says and does, with dates and times. The EEOC will want to see these notes.