sister taking advantage of senile mother

[janad98]

What is the name of your state? parents live in Kentucky

My mother & father are married 60 years. Live in rural Ky. Dad is on respirator, can't drive, but sharp mind. Mother has had small strokes, becoming senile for some time now. My goldigger sister suddenly moves in from out of state, to "take care of mom & dad". Tries to get money from dad, he tells her no way, big fight. Sister moves out to apartment, just across the river in the state of Indiana. So, one day, while my mom is in the hospital in another town, my sister hijacks her, checks her out against Dr.'s orders. She takes mom to Indiana where she lives, and checks her into a home 2 blocks from her. Dad didn't know where she was! Sister soon convinces mom to give her power of attorney; then to DIVORCE dad! Meanwhile, the home mom is in is poor quality, she fell & broke her hip, losing weight.

Dad has asked courts for a competancy hearing, trying to get mom away from my sister, and charge her with elder abuse. I am certain mom will fail a competancy hearing; she goes in & out of lucidity. Is my dad on the right path? Does he stand a chance of getting his wife back at home?

 

[BlondiePB]

Dad has asked courts for a competancy hearing, trying to get mom away from my sister, and charge her with elder abuse. I am certain mom will fail a competancy hearing; she goes in & out of lucidity. Is my dad on the right path? Does he stand a chance of getting his wife back at home?

Dad is on right path; however, his ability to care for his own wife due to his illness will be scrutinized. Has dad filed any of the paper work?

 

[janad98]

Dad has a court date to order a competacy hearing set for beginning of April. That is the only action he has taken thus far. Mom/Sister have filed for divorce, lawyers have met to discuss demands once. Dad was ordered to give mom 25k, which he did, pending negotiation of a larger amount for the divorce settlement.

 

[BlondiePB]

Dad has a court date to order a competacy hearing set for beginning of April. That is the only action he has taken thus far. Mom/Sister have filed for divorce, lawyers have met to discuss demands once. Dad was ordered to give mom 25k, which he did, pending negotiation of a larger amount for the divorce settlement.

Given this info, this is worse than I thought. I need to ask you some more questions and a couple for crystal, clear clarification.

What state does dad reside, KY or IN?

Mom is now in IN, correct?

You are also in KY, correct?

Does dad have a lawyer?

Did dad send the money before or after filing for the competency hearing?

Was divorce filed before or after filing for the competency hearing?

Does dad want a divorce?

Does dad have any joint bank accounts with mom?

Are you also willing, able, and eligible to be a guardian?

 

[rmet4nzkx]

In what state was the divorce filed, (residency).

 

[janad98]

I live in Maryland, I am a single mom raising an 11 yr old son. Father resides in KY, mom is now in IN.

Dad has a lawyer to handle the divorce, but has not contracted anyone to handle the elder abuse part.

I am unsure as to the order of the hearing request rtelative to the divorce filing. I'll ask him tonight. He originally asked for the hearing last year, but when the order was delivered, mom coincidentally fell and broke her hip the week she was supposed to be interviewed by a psychiatrist. He withdrew the request & re-applied, once he knew, via friends who visit her at the home, that she is able to get around.

He closed their joint credit cards and bank account after Sister took mom from hospital, because sister was charging to card and mom was signing blank checks for her.

Dad wants mom home.

Dad & I looked into moving mom up here into a home, but they are too expensive for her means. I only have 2 bedrooms, and it's a 3 level townhouse (stairs are not an option for her)

 

[janad98]

I live in Maryland, I am a single mom raising an 11 yr old son. Father resides in KY, mom is now in IN.

Dad has a lawyer to handle the divorce, but has not contracted anyone to handle the elder abuse part.

I am unsure as to the order of the hearing request relative to the divorce filing. I'll ask him tonight. He originally asked for the hearing last year, but when the order was delivered, mom coincidentally fell and broke her hip the week she was supposed to be interviewed by a psychiatrist. He withdrew the request & re-applied, once he knew, via friends who visit her at the home, that she is able to get around.

He closed their joint credit cards and bank account after Sister took mom from hospital, because sister was charging to card and mom was signing blank checks for her.

Dad wants mom home.

Dad & I looked into moving mom up here into a home, but they are too expensive for her means. I only have 2 bedrooms, and it's a 3 level townhouse (stairs are not an option for her)

 

[BlondiePB]

janad98, you have provided very good and important information. I understand about the stairs, etc. When you talk with dad about the order of things (filing for competency hearing and divorce and the money), ask dad if he would be willing to move into an assisted living facility with mom in MD near you. Then post back with the what he says about it. Also, let me know if dad is a veteran. My main concern about this situation is whether or not dad is physically well enough to properly take care of your mother and is why I'm asking you to do this and is very relevant to dad being mom's guardian.

 

[janad98]

rmet4nzkx: the divorce was filed for in Kentucky

BlondiPB: My dad is a veteran of the Korean War. His health *sometimes* prevents him from caring for mom, so he hires people to clean, cook, mow the lawn and buy groceries, etc., Their insurance allows for licensed medical practitioners to come to their house. They have medical supplies delivered, and a physical therapist was coming to the house for mom. Dad has quite a bit of money, and he & mom had said they wanted to remain at home and have caregivers come to them so they could pass on in familiar surroundings when the time came. This is why it was a huge shock to all mom's friends (and me) when they heard she was in a "home".

However, considering the turn of events, dad may have to re-think his retirement plans.

 

[BlondiePB]

rmet4nzkx: the divorce was filed for in Kentucky

BlondiPB: My dad is a veteran of the Korean War. His health *sometimes* prevents him from caring for mom, so he hires people to clean, cook, mow the lawn and buy groceries, etc., Their insurance allows for licensed medical practitioners to come to their house. They have medical supplies delivered, and a physical therapist was coming to the house for mom. Dad has quite a bit of money, and he & mom had said they wanted to remain at home and have caregivers come to them so they could pass on in familiar surroundings when the time came. This is why it was a huge shock to all mom's friends (and me) when they heard she was in a "home".

However, considering the turn of events, dad may have to re-think his retirement plans.

Excellent! There are veteran's benefits available for honorable discharged veteran's for assisted living. I know exactly how your father would be eligible. Details later. One more question, in what state did dad file for the competency hearing?

 

[janad98]

competancy hearing filed for in Kentucky, both times.

 

[BlondiePB]

competancy hearing filed for in Kentucky, both times.

Fabulous, I was so hoping you would tell me KY. Look, after you talk with dad tonight, post back with what he says about all this. Also, let me know if mom knows: 1) what your sister is doing (filed for divorce) and 2) is your mom and dad still have a good relationship with each other (this also is important). Depending on what you tell me about all this is whether or not the rug can be pulled out from under sister's feet!

 

[janad98]

Spoke to dad.
1) He is not aware of being eligible for any veteran's benefits.

2) Timeline: Mom was taken from the hospital by my sister around Aug 15th, 2004, divorce papers were served Sept 23, 2004, the first court date to grant a competancy hearing was around Nov 13, 2004. Mom wa supposed to be interviewed by the psychiatrist Monday, Dec 13, but broke her hip the previous Friday.

3) Does mom want a divorce? I don't know. She has said on the phone to me that "he won't let me come home". She seems embarrased about the divorce and acts like an observer. I get the impression she thinks dad started it. As for mom's awareness of reality; she is getting more disoriented as the weeks pass. Neighbors visiting her report she often thinks she is at home, and 'should get dinner started'. At the first meeting for the divorce, in court, the lawyer asked her some questions to determine if she was 'aware' of the proceedings' and she did not know where she lived; she at that time was residing at the nursing home in Indiana and thought she was in the hospital in Ky. She did answer 2 other questions correctly. She has lucid moments, but is often confused, at other times she does not know where she is or recognise anyone. Be aware that my sister only allows me limited contact with her by cellphone; she will not get a phone put in mom's room.

 

[BlondiePB]

Timeline: Mom was taken from the hospital by my sister around Aug 15th, 2004, divorce papers were served Sept 23, 2004, the first court date to grant a competancy hearing was around Nov 13, 2004. Mom wa supposed to be interviewed by the psychiatrist Monday, Dec 13, but broke her hip the previous Friday.

Given this time line, the validity of the POA can be challenged.

Be aware that my sister only allows me limited contact with her by cellphone; she will not get a phone put in mom's room.

This is a sign of elder abuse. Does the nursing home administrator know that your sister will not allow a phone in your mother's room? Let me give you an example. Upon granted guardianship of a ward that was in a deplorable nursing home (this room had no phone and I do not know why), I moved the ward to a better facility. I told admissions to remove the phone from the ward's room prior to the ward being transported from the other nursing home. However, the ward was to have access to make and receive phone calls at one of the phones at the nursing station. Immediately, the director of admissions raised her eyebrows (due to this being a sign of elder abuse).

I immediately recognized the concern, went and got my copy of the court ordered psychological evaluations, and returned. The evaluations documented that the ward was not competent to even use a telephone. Though I already knew this, I brought the facility the documentation. All understood that when the ward wanted to make a phone call, the ward was allowed and needed help to place a call. All knew that when a phone call came in for the ward, someone brought the ward to the phone at the nurses station to take a call.

Does mom want a divorce? I don't know. She has said on the phone to me that "he won't let me come home". She seems embarrased about the divorce and acts like an observer

This is most likely what your sister has been telling your mother. Doesn't your father visit your mother at the nursing home? Yes, I understand he cannot drive. He doesn't have anyone take him there? When was the last time he saw his own wife? I'm sending you a private message for some of the other issues.

 

[janad98]

my father hasn't seen my mother since she went to the hospital last August 2004. Someone, likely my meth-amphetamine addicted brother, made a call to the hospital nursing station on the geriatric floor where my mother was. This person represented himself as my dad, and threatened her life. He did not speak to mom, her spoke with the nurse at the station. No charges were ever filed, and the call was never traced, no one ever pulled my dad's phone records to see if in fact dad was the caller (which I doubt). My dad had recently cut my brother from the will and told him as much, and got a restraining order against him, because he was coming onto the farm and stealing things to sell for drugs. So, Brother allied with Sister. Sister then hijacked mom from the hospital to the nursing home, telling the nurses at the hospital they were not to tell anyone where she went, because she was in danger. When she checked her into the nursing home, the same tale was told. Fortunately, we have a young relative who just started working there, and this is how I found out why they wouldn't let me talk to mom at the nursing station. My sister told them mom was not to make any calls out or receive any in, except from her. And thus, this is why my dad has not seen mom. My sister has them believing that he's hostile & a danger to her. He has neighbors & friends go over several times a week and report her condition to him, but he has not seen her in person or spoken to her. The last time I spoke to my mother was in Dec 2004, when she was in the hospital after she broke her hip. My sister hadn't had time to get to the hospital and decree that they block all communications to her.

From what I get from my relative that works there, they all seem to just do what sister demands, no questions. The facility is on the National Watch List for nursing homes "CITED FOR ACTUAL HARM / IMMEDIATE JEOPARDY" (www.memberofthefamily.net) and also these infractions are detailed on the Medicare.gov Nursing Home Compare site. Perhaps they need all the customers they can get. My relative is a new hire, and young, and afraid to speak up, for fear she'd be fired.

What a mess, hmm?