So many questions ... where to begin?

[1source]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

I have been married for 16+ years and have 2 children - I would say for the past several years the marriage has been strained and going down hill, in fact I would have been long gone if their were not children involved.
I would consider my husband emotionally abusive, and very mean and one who likes to play games. I don't have a clue as to what he does most of the time. I mean that financially, as well as life in general and in his business dealings, but not for the lack of trying to find out.

About a year ago, he went and opened a bank account in just his name and moved ALL funds to that account - he felt that he was the only bread winner so therefore it all his money. He believes however, that I have had plenty of time to find a job and should be contributing to the household income - so that's why he said he got his own account, he said that I need to learn a lesson... even though I have been a stay at home mom for the past 14 years, and supported him in his entrepreneurial endeavors, took care of the household duties and and the kids. I truly have no problem with going and getting a job, except that my skill sets for any kind of job is rather rusty and he has a certain figure in mind that I need to be earning. Although, the first 2 years of our marriage I was employed doing data entry but the last time I worked any job was in 1997, but what he expects me to bring home with my experience is not even realistic.

He is a Gen. Contractor and makes decent money at least I think as he wont disclose that information to me and makes it clear that HE has money to do as he wishes. I am however, part owner of his Construction Company. He has also made investments in real estate were we lost our shorts and ruined our credit etc. I wholeheartedly did not want to get involved in the Real Estate game and made that very clear to him, I even asked him to take my name off the titles, however, he did it anyway. I realize that it's half my mess because we are married. I've supported him through the good and bad.

He does pay the house bills but anything that I want or need such as haircuts, food for the dog and cats, clothes, etc. is at my own expense, thankfully I am not a big spender! I have emptied all my 401k (which wasn't a whole lot) this past year since I have no access to really any sort of funds.

I have borrowed funds from my parents in the past so that I could get a decent laptop, so that I could learn web design/graphics and marketing so that I can hopefully make more then minimum wage once I re-enter the work force. I see things just starting to get rolling in that venture.

But now I find myself wanting to pursue a divorce, sounds simple, but .... without having any finances to speak of. But where do I even begin,

I am scared to death to file for divorce since I am afraid that I will be left with no help financially - I feel completely trapped and don't even know were to start. I do know that need to get educated about my rights and so that's why I am writing this now ...

I know what he is doing is not right and I have let it go on far to long. This last year has been very stressful and he is so different from the person I married.

Thankfully I am a strong woman and know that I have tried everything including counseling and know that the best thing is to move on, but what are my rights and how do I chose a Divorce Attorney that will take a look at all of our real estate investments, business dealings, child support issues and divorce proceedings ...?

I thank you any advance for any input or advice you may have for me ~

 

[mistoffolees]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

I have been married for 16+ years and have 2 children - I would say for the past several years the marriage has been strained and going down hill, in fact I would have been long gone if their were not children involved.
I would consider my husband emotionally abusive, and very mean and one who likes to play games. I don't have a clue as to what he does most of the time. I mean that financially, as well as life in general and in his business dealings, but not for the lack of trying to find out.

About a year ago, he went and opened a bank account in just his name and moved ALL funds to that account - he felt that he was the only bread winner so therefore it all his money.

He's wrong. It's a marital asset and you will be entitled to 1/2 of it if you divorce.

He believes however, that I have had plenty of time to find a job and should be contributing to the household income - so that's why he said he got his own account, he said that I need to learn a lesson... even though I have been a stay at home mom for the past 14 years, and supported him in his entrepreneurial endeavors, took care of the household duties and and the kids. I truly have no problem with going and getting a job, except that my skill sets for any kind of job is rather rusty and he has a certain figure in mind that I need to be earning. Although, the first 2 years of our marriage I was employed doing data entry but the last time I worked any job was in 1997, but what he expects me to bring home with my experience is not even realistic.

I don't think you have the luxury of waiting for a 'good' job. You need to be working at any job you can find.

He is a Gen. Contractor and makes decent money at least I think as he wont disclose that information to me and makes it clear that HE has money to do as he wishes. I am however, part owner of his Construction Company.

That could be important or it could be meaningless. It's not hard for a general contractor to dissolve a business and start a new one. You will want your attorney to argue that if he does so, that you will receive part of the new business, as well. You should also plan on having an expert appraise the value of his business.

Unfortunately, you may find that the value of a contractor's business is really not very high. It all relies on the owner to do the work and without the owner, there's little or not value. So the appraised value might be quite small.

He has also made investments in real estate were we lost our shorts and ruined our credit etc. I wholeheartedly did not want to get involved in the Real Estate game and made that very clear to him, I even asked him to take my name off the titles, however, he did it anyway. I realize that it's half my mess because we are married. I've supported him through the good and bad.

Completely irrelevant. You don't get a do-over.

He does pay the house bills but anything that I want or need such as haircuts, food for the dog and cats, clothes, etc. is at my own expense, thankfully I am not a big spender! I have emptied all my 401k (which wasn't a whole lot) this past year since I have no access to really any sort of funds.

As I said - you need a job. Any job.

I have borrowed funds from my parents in the past so that I could get a decent laptop, so that I could learn web design/graphics and marketing so that I can hopefully make more then minimum wage once I re-enter the work force. I see things just starting to get rolling in that venture.

But now I find myself wanting to pursue a divorce, sounds simple, but .... without having any finances to speak of. But where do I even begin,

Pick up the phone and call some attorneys. Many (if not most) will give you a free initial consultation.

Ask them about filing for divorce and requesting temporary support.

I am scared to death to file for divorce since I am afraid that I will be left with no help financially - I feel completely trapped and don't even know were to start. I do know that need to get educated about my rights and so that's why I am writing this now ...

Google 'self help divorce oregon' for starters. Contact your court clerk to see if there's a divorce packet you can use. And then contact some attorneys. If there are enough marital assets, an attorney may work out a payment plan and/or ask the court to be paid from marital assets.

I know what he is doing is not right and I have let it go on far to long. This last year has been very stressful and he is so different from the person I married.

Thankfully I am a strong woman and know that I have tried everything including counseling and know that the best thing is to move on, but what are my rights and how do I chose a Divorce Attorney that will take a look at all of our real estate investments, business dealings, child support issues and divorce proceedings ...?

Ask friends for referrals to attorneys. Contact your state Bar for a referral or use the referral link on this site. Make sure that you talk about:

- child custody - will be based on the best interests of the children. Since you've been the primary caregiver, that will likely be you

- child support - ask for temporary support while the divorce is pending and then a support order for after that. You can get an estimate of how much he should be paying here:
Oregon Child Support Program - Child Support Guidelines Calculator

- alimony - since you've been married a long time, you may be able to get alimony, both temporary alimony while the divorce is pending and longer term alimony after the divorce is final

- marital home - Since the kids are likely to be staying with you, you may ask for temporary use of the marital home while the divorce is pending. Of course, you have to be able to afford it with the temporary alimony (if any), child support, and employment income. If you can't, then let him have the home and you find a less expensive place to live with the kids

- marital property - generally divided 50:50. Make sure this includes EVERYTHING - his new bank account, vehicles, retirement accounts, his business (including any business assets), other investments, and so on.

 

[1source]

@ mistoffolees - Thank you for your advice .... yes, so true - roll up my sleeves and get what I need done, job included! I am using every spare moment to try to better myself and learn web design so that I don't have to rely on any state assistance or ex-husband for that matter!

And, you have hit it on the nose when it comes to the value of a contractor's business - he somehow always finds a way to barter, trade or dare I say it - be a bit dishonest when it comes to finances, he would call it creative.

He is a prominent builder in our area but always has a way of making our taxes look like we don't make anything.

Again, Thanks for all your input and I will definitely value it and start taking action.