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Sole Custody after a PFA?

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Zigner

Senior Member, Non-Attorney
of course I did!! :confused: Why wouldn't I?
I'm glad you did. The only reason I assumed (and still assume) that you really DIDN'T is because it would have reduced the amount of financial aid you were getting. Your original post stated that you agree with the child's father to collection the maximum amount of financial aid you could.
 


Humusluvr

Senior Member
I'm glad you did. The only reason I assumed (and still assume) that you really DIDN'T is because it would have reduced the amount of financial aid you were getting. Your original post stated that you agree with the child's father to collection the maximum amount of financial aid you could.
Now, why in the world would you be so skeptical of the OP??? :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
He signed the original AOP, but the hospital could not file it. We didn't agree on her name until she was a week old. He would not sign the second one.​
Nor did he have to. Hence paternity has NOT been established.

The first two years were Pre-kindergarten. This past school year was Kindergarten. The school was made aware of the situation and said they would let me know if she started to miss too much.​
Is kindergarten required in your state?

He told her don't tell mommy you didn't go to school. Tell her you went to class and had lots of fun today. She came in the house after he dropped her off and said, "Daddy told me not to tell you, but I didn't go to school today." He also lied to her one day about not going to school because the school nurse wouldn't let her back into school.​
So you are basing it on HEARSAY from your daughter. Dad didn't tell you he told her that.


I did keep mentioning it to him, but refused to fight about it. He ignored anything I did try to say.​
Which is DIFFERENT THAN WHAT YOU SAID BEFORE. Your story is changing. You originally said:
I said nothing to him as the school year progressed.
But now you did keep mentioning it to him. Which one was the lie?


I filed all the papers for the available scholarships as we had agreed. Her account was credited with almost half of the amount of her tuition.​
So YOU haven't paid anything. You are counting SCHOLARSHIP money as your contribution? Ummm, it isn't.

In the beginning of the school year his days off were Sunday and Tuesday. I signed her up for classes because I was taking classes at her studio on Monday nights. She would have had to sit at the studio and watch the other children taking class, so as it was my time I signed her up for class. Dad then got a new job and changed his nights off.​
And did you talk to dad about the class? Or did you just expect him to fall in line?

I didn't keep her from him. She went to him on Sunday and Wednesday if he wasn't working. He just couldn't have her on Monday. She was afraid of seeing him after "the incident" (her words, not mine.) Even a month after the incident, she was worried about what he would do. When I explained that the judge said she had to see them she became hysterical. I calmed her down and told her that she had to see her Dad.​
You have no clue. You should have gotten her into counseling to deal with this. Instead you just use it as an excuse with no way of actually bettering the situation for your daughter. Or is now your story going to change that you got her into counseling?



He has always been the free babysitting. He never made an issue out of it before. He agreed to pick her up and keep her until I was done with class and work. I always scheduled my work and classes to work with his start time. When he got the new job he decided that he could no longer be bothered with watching her after school. He took the new job that started an hour earlier in the middle of my school semester.​

YOu expect him to have the child when it is your wish. And if he didn't take the job then he couldn't keep giving you money for child's school.

Yes. As I said, he had never said he was unwilling to do those things in the past. Only after I started dating did he start refusing to do things.​
Why should he run to your beck and call?



I didn't want to interrupt daughters school year with this, just in case.​
Oh okay.
He did. The school was sending him the information, I was just getting copies.​
[/QUOTE]

Okay.
You are still responsible for tuition as well.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
So, you DID report that income to the financial aid department that you were dealing with, right? :rolleyes:
Dad paying a specific expense of his child's is NOT income to mom....not even for financial aid purposes.
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
How is grabbing me around the jaw and neck and threatening to kill me verbal abuse?[/INDENT]
You have a custody case at this point. Unless you have other proof -- and not an amended police report -- you dont' have anything.

I've been in the apartment. I have seen the futon. The kitchen in only 15 ft X 12ft with a small breakfast nook. The nook is where the futon is. As for my definition of a bedroom, since they are not the same sex, I don't feel it is appropriate for her to share bedroom space with him. She needs to have her own sleeping area separate from him NOT 3 feet from stoves and refrigerators.​
She does have her own separate sleeping area in a breakfast nook. Which is NOT the kitchen. That can count. You need to understand that.

You are right. he does. My point is that he does not care for her himself.​
YOU do NOT know that. You are not with him 24/7 of all his time with her. Jeez. You don't care of her yourself either by that definition.


That is what I was trying to figure out. I don't want to lessen his time. I just want a definite plan.​
Then you get a definite plan but be aware that visitation is NOT forced.

He didn't just start speaking up. I did. I finally stopped giving him everything he wanted. I worked with his schedule. My schedule was set by his work schedule, even so far as I would wait to plan my week until he got his work schedule Saturday night or even on Sunday. I couldn't do that anymore. I had an internship to plan and work around.​

Okay. But you have a child to work around and a duty to facilitate visitation once you legally have a visitation order. And cutting it off now will NOT help matters.


[
INDENT]The only time we have fought over arrangements have been when his family had been in town. Otherwise he didn't fuss about anything, and would work out things together. [/INDENT]
Why wouldn't you want your child to be exposed to her entire family?


See this is the thing. He has always let me make all the plans for her and NEVER wanted to make the plans himself. As for the him not talking to me, I would call to discuss things with him, he would not pick up the phone and then he would call me back when he knew I wasn't home and leave the schedule he wanted with no consideration and no possibility for me to work with him on anything. My schedule has stayed the same as long as I have been in school, it is not hard to avoid me. I also always answered his calls when I am not in class.​
[/QUOTE]

Then you leave messages for him. You have NEVER had a different schedule the entire time you are in school? I find that hard to believe.You had to have changed classes and they can't all be held at exactly the same time. There are ways to communicate however. Be prepared for the fact that you do NOT have a realistic picture of the way things will work. He may pay child support HOWEVER you will be responsible for paying a portion of the private school tuition. And I don't mean the part paid by scholarships. There will be a schedule set but dad doesn't necessarily have to utilize all his time. You will be required to facilitate visitation> You will most likely also be required to discuss things with dad before signing the child up for activities on dad's time and get dad's input and/or permission.

You are in for a rude awakening.

And you have NOT done right by your child if what you say is true about her being hesitant about her father.
 
She does have her own separate sleeping area in a breakfast nook. Which is NOT the kitchen. That can count. You need to understand that.
All right so I am bad at describing things the nook is not apart from the kitchen. It is just a part of the kitchen that has a set back window. I know that my definition of a bedroom is not everyone else's and I understand if the court finds it acceptable I will have to deal with it.


Then you get a definite plan but be aware that visitation is NOT forced.
I know that. I have a problem with him calling me at the last possible minute and demanding to take her and not providing a time when he will bring her back.

Okay. But you have a child to work around and a duty to facilitate visitation once you legally have a visitation order. And cutting it off now will NOT help matters.
I understand I have a duty to facilitate visitation. But we have never had a visitation order. The Sunday to tuesday morning schedule has not yet started.



Why wouldn't you want your child to be exposed to her entire family?
That's the thing! I want her to spend time with them!! But I can't facilitate anything if they call me at 11 am and want her at 11:30 that day. That is the issue with seeing her family. I can't drop my entire life on a moments notice for an undetermined amount of time.

Then you leave messages for him. You have NEVER had a different schedule the entire time you are in school? I find that hard to believe.You had to have changed classes and they can't all be held at exactly the same time. There are ways to communicate however. Be prepared for the fact that you do NOT have a realistic picture of the way things will work. He may pay child support HOWEVER you will be responsible for paying a portion of the private school tuition. And I don't mean the part paid by scholarships. There will be a schedule set but dad doesn't necessarily have to utilize all his time. You will be required to facilitate visitation> You will most likely also be required to discuss things with dad before signing the child up for activities on dad's time and get dad's input and/or permission.
My schedule has always been I am at school while she is. I have not taken classes because they don't fall into the correct times. In the degree I am getting it has been set up for mothers to be able to attend school while their children are at school. My main classes have been the same for the past 2 years. Monday - Wednesday 9am to 1pm. I have not taken any other classes for 2 years.

As for the school tuition I have kept to the agreement that we made prior to getting the court involved. I understand that I have to pay a portion. I am not taking issue with that. We had a verbal agreement that he would pay it all.

I also understand that if he doesn't take all of his time, that I have to deal with it.


You are in for a rude awakening.

And you have NOT done right by your child if what you say is true about her being hesitant about her father.
That is why I came here for advice. I don't want to make my child go through anything she doesn't have to. As for me calming her down, that happened over a matter of weeks not in one day.

Please understand that I have tried very hard to work with her father. I have let him know about things and tried to talk about things and he will not talk about ANYTHING and then has issues with what I do after trying repeatedly to talk to him.
 
Nor did he have to. Hence paternity has NOT been established.



Is kindergarten required in your state?
no it is not.

So you are basing it on HEARSAY from your daughter. Dad didn't tell you he told her that.
Why would he admit that he lied? that defeats the purpose of lying.


Which is DIFFERENT THAN WHAT YOU SAID BEFORE. Your story is changing. You originally said:
But now you did keep mentioning it to him. Which one was the lie?
I would say things like she has to go to school and be ignored. What would you like me to call it. I should have phrased it that I never fought with him over it.



So YOU haven't paid anything. You are counting SCHOLARSHIP money as your contribution? Ummm, it isn't.
I understand that legally it doesn't count, I was following the terms of our verbal agreement.

And did you talk to dad about the class? Or did you just expect him to fall in line?
I informed him that since she was at the studio there was a class she could take. He had not issue with it until I started dating and he found out.

You have no clue. You should have gotten her into counseling to deal with this. Instead you just use it as an excuse with no way of actually bettering the situation for your daughter. Or is now your story going to change that you got her into counseling?
You are right. I don't have a clue. THAT IS WHY I CAME HERE FOR ADVICE!!!!
She has not had to start spending overnights with him yet. We are still in the supervised period. Should I get her into counceling? Should I not? will it make his case stronger because I can't help her deal with everything? What should I do? This is why I came here and have been looking for advise!



YOu expect him to have the child when it is your wish. And if he didn't take the job then he couldn't keep giving you money for child's school.
No. I was simply going along with the status quo. He had a better paying job before he changed jobs. The manager changed something at work that he didn't like and he quit the same day even after being told the change was temporary. He then took a lower paying job that he knew interfered with mine and her school schedule.

Why should he run to your beck and call?
He shouldn't. but he went from being fine with it to yelling at me that he would no longer take her anywhere for anything. He never tried to communicate with me about it AT ALL .
Okay.
You are still responsible for tuition as well.[/QUOTE]
I know. That is why I have made arrangements to pay off the balance before the start of this school year.
 

Silverplum

Senior Member
Should I get her into counceling? Should I not? will it make his case stronger because I can't help her deal with everything? What should I do? This is why I came here and have been looking for advise!
:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

You don't EVER make decisions for your child's health based upon how it makes you LOOK in a future/potential court case.

You make decisions for your child's health based upon WHAT SHE NEEDS NOW.

Good Lord Almighty.
 

Zigner

Senior Member, Non-Attorney
Dad paying a specific expense of his child's is NOT income to mom....not even for financial aid purposes.
Then why did she report it as such?
This OP's story is so full of holes that even swiss cheese is jealous!
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
OP you have screwed up six ways to Sunday. HOW DARE YOU want to know if getting your child counseling will LOOK better in a court case. For that reason you are showing that you are not being a parent. YOU are too concerned about winning your daughter like she is some sort of prize. Sorry but you are sickening. You keep changing your story. You keep changing wording to make yourself look better.

Oh and by the way, you not providing and taking care of your daughter, gives dad a very strong case for custody because you don't care about anything but making dad look bad. That is NOT parenting.

Dad is still supervised and yet you stated he had her overnights. Which is it?

SERIOUSLY, Answer these questions: Is English your second language? How about your third language? Are you dyslexic? Do you have learning disabilities?

You seem to want to control dad. First you didn't talk to dad and then you did. At this point, dad is NOT legally dad. We won't even go into the fact that you didn't have to give him time. Of course if you pull that now, you will be seen as nothing more than a vindictive selfish money grubbing jerk.
 
OP, to be honest, I didn't read your entire post because it was just way too long. I did skim through it and picked up some pieces here and there that sound familiar. I heard alot of myself and other women I know who are not with their child's father. I say MYSELF, but only how I thought early on and before I started coming here and listening to what these people have to say. I may get blasted because this is not technically "legal advice", but it served me well, and maybe you can learn something from it. Here it is:

You need to put away the anger, hatred, homicidal feelings and whatever else you may be feeling for your child's father. You aren't the first or the last woman to feel scorned and angry because of your situation. You need to stop trying control everything. You need to stop making any of this about YOU or the father. This is about your child. From this point forward, you focus on what is in the best interest of your child at all times. And no, just because you don't think your ex is in your child's best interest doesn't mean you are correct. YOU are NOT the only parent here, in spite of what you may think. You need to think about how your choices will affect your child. You think about what kind of role model you want to be and what kind of example you want to set. Choose your battles. If you want the child to go to Kindergarten and dad says no because you want to send the child to a private school where the tuition is too high, try to compromise. Is a private schoool necessary? I live in PA too and I have found the public school systems to be quite adequate. Compromise is the key here. That's what you are going to have to do from now on, and unfortunately, in these situations, we must do it with someone we usually don't like. Even if you feel Dad is not being cooperative, you have to be the bigger person. Someone has to be the grown up. Let you child form their own opinion and feelings for their other parent, without your influence and biased feelings. Act in your child's best interest. Love them and raise them without allowing your personal feeling towards the other parent get in the way. I know it's hard to do that, but you are just going to have to trust me. You will feel good about yourself as a parent, and you'll begin to see what a positive effect it will have on your child. And, once your ex sees that you are not going to engage in any negative or combative behavior, then he will come around too. Either way, you aren't getting rid of him, so you need to figure out a way to co-parent with him in a way that is beneficial to your child. If he choose to be a jerk that doesn't mean you have to sink to that level. And if you are the one being the jerk, then you are not being a good parent and you are not looking out for your child. You are simply just being a jerk. Is that what you want your child to see?
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
Then why did she report it as such?
This OP's story is so full of holes that even swiss cheese is jealous!
It doesn't matter if she did or didn't report it. It also doesn't matter that her story has alot of holes. I simply didn't want someone else reading this thread thinking that if the other parent, or even grandparents pay for or provide day care for a child, that it counts as income for financial aid purposes.
 

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