Carl,
I am dissapointed that you don't seem to have understood at all what I was saying...I DO realize that what I did was terriably wrong and I am not trying to bend the law to suit my own needs, No it is not made ok by the fact that I had a "need" but it does make it diffrent. Do you think I should get the same punsihment as someone who took drugs to sell or use for recreational use?
ANd I WAS thinking about my son, at the time I had about $40.00 in my account and I was throwing up and unable to even drive because my migraine was so bad, I had to choose between FOOD and MEDICINE...now if it had just been myself I would have eaten Ramen noodles but it wasn't just me. You say you have "been There" be honest, have you? Have you had to wonder how you were going to feed your kids their next meal?
My financial situation is much better now.
I also took a position in nursing that involves teaching, I have absolutly NO access to ANY drugs...narcotic or otherwise.
You do not appear very compassionate, however you may have integrity and wisdom. When I say wisdom though I am referring to a bit of common sence...meaning the punishment fitting the criminal...I feel that probation or something of this sort would be the best punishment, to be closely watched in order to ensure that I am not a repeat offender, in this manner my child's life would not be disrupted physically or in a dramatic financial manner.
As for my "moral's" again, you know only one thing about me and it is the wrost thing you could know!!! I am EXTREMLY moral...and yes I do love my son but as I said I parent him also...I spend time with him, don't stick him in front of the TV. I work hard and live in a bad neighborhood so I can send him to an amazing school. No, I am NOT perfect, neither are you. Yes I made a mistake and yes I am ashamed of it...what it says to my son is highly subjective and I think that a lot of it would have to do with how I explained it, That mommy was wrong, that grown-ups can make mistakes etc...
Ofcourse if I diddn't talk with him and left him to his own devices he might have a vastly diffrent interpritation. I do the best I can, I was faced with a bad situation and I made a bad choice.
I did not mean to imply that the law would be better it I got a pat on the back, I meant only that it could be better if we considered the entire situation prior to passing sentence. By this I mean, what is the greatest good? Sometimes I feel that we are so eager to dish out punishment that we shoot ourselves in the foot...there are many possiabilities for varied punishment, I simply feel that as human beings capable of "free and creative thought" can THINK about all the possiabilities and the ramifications and impact...think beyond the now.
Thank the higher power it has never come to my being so poor that I had to sell drugs!!! But as a mother, I guess that if it was THE only way to feed and shelter my children I would do anything...sell a kidney if I had to. Recall Maslow's hiearchy of needs....food/shelter are the foundation.
As for the blackmail, suffice to say that serious violations were occuring, after trying all I knew to fix these situations with no help or success, I found a diffrent job to get by on until I could obtain a good nursing position. My manager knew that I was concerned and she was worried that I would testify and so she told me that if I ever did then she would turn me in.
So as it stands now, I am not in any legal trouble at all. I was just inquiring how long they had to report me if they were to decide to. I doubt they will since their crimes are far more serious than mine.
The last thing you addressed I will thak you for. Yes, my children are watching and learning from my actions, fortunatly my child knows nothing of this and I hope it never comes to that. I have never broken the law before (excepting my usual 5-7 miles over the speed limit) and I do not plan on breaking it ever again...Next time I will sell my guitar at the pawn shop or something...I think I made a bad choice partly because I was not in my right mind...I was in so much pain at the time...
I thank you for your time and for helping me see things from another point of view.
I am a good mother and I am sorry that you feel I am "hiding behind my children." I am not trying to. My child an exceptional person and I am not saying that just because I am his mother...You are right that I should consider the ramifications of my actions in relation to him and I will be the first to admit I was an idoit for making such a stupid choice...I HAVE learned my lesson. I did not need to lose my license or go to jail to kearn it though and I really feel this would have led to more harm than good if they had chosen to report me.
Surely we all make mistakes? You, me everyone. You say you never broke the law and I believe you but there are many other ways to make mistakes...infidelity, breaking promices, poor choices...hindsight is everything!!! I am already being preety hard on myself for ever allowing my family to befall such a situation...you seem so harsh and stiff...I am already being hard on myself...I am having panic attacks and nightmares...I am crying quite often, I am scared to death that I will go to jail while I am pregnant...I know how important those first few months are and I want to breastfeed etc....I cannott imagine what would happen to my baby if I were in jail...
I just get the feeling that you think I am being easy on myself and expect special treatment when infact I am being harder on myself than any judge or board of nursing would ever be...I even worry about worrying!! I am afraid it is bad on the fetus!!!
One of the greatest things we can give one another is compassionate detachment. Yes, I made a bad choice but this does not make me a bad person. We will all learn from our mistakes in life, we are all perfectly damaged...
We all deserve to know that even when we make mistakes we will be loved anyway...even if we are not liked. I am not saying what I did was OK, I am saying it was very very wrong, I learned my lesson and I want to move on with my life in a positive manner...I want to make up for the mistake by giving back something to other people. I also do not want to be punished for a crime that occured a decade earlier. It was a serious crime but I am not a murderer!!!! I feel like I am walking around awaiting a murder trial..."will they get me?" Perhaps this is effecting me SO strongly because I am not usually so stupid and I never knowingly break the law or any other moral code....if I went around breaking the law all the time I might not be so strongly effected!!!I made one mistake...no one was hurt thank god...but do I have to spend the rest of my life paying for it? perhaps...
I have some friends who are paying for their mistakes for the rest of their lives...but mostly emotionally and not on a practical level. ie: friend cheats on her spouce and he leaves her with 3 small kids...she made a mistake that she has to live with every day forever...but she lays down in her own house with her children...I am afraid of being seperated from my children...I am afraid my mistake will hurt THEM!!! So I say no one was hurt, but the possiability of them being hurt is more than I can handle and I can't go back in time!!! I can't change or fix my wrongdoing but I can move foreward wiser and try to make the best of a bad situation. I do not think I should have to live with nightmares and panic attacke for the rest of my life over this. If I had raped or killed or intentionally inflicted harm on another living thing (besides my poor houseplants!!) the yes, I would think it was fair to suffer the rest of my days...but I did not do those things, I made a bad choice when I was in pain and poor, does it excause it? Hell no!!! But is it really fair for me to live the rest of my life in fear? No
I deserve to learn from my mistake and move on so I can start doing good and positive things in every realm.
Carl, thank you for your time, opinion and advice. Thank you for the work you do and for putting your life on the line so that people like myself can live in a safe place. Hopefully we will both have a beautiful future...
I just want to be able to relax and enjoy my pregnancy, give more than I take. This whole thing is taking so much mental energy that it is robbing me of one of the most magical times in a person's life...perhaps I deserve it...but I assure you I did not get off easy!!! I judge myself fairly harshly. I am having a terriable time of it and I just want to put this behind me and celebrate life. Many many thanks and apologies for my stupidity.
Sincerely,
Sassafras (p.s. Please excause type-o's and spelling...)