Step-Parent Troubles

[Fairy4]

What is the name of your state? VA

My ex I went to court 2 weeks ago tomorrow, and since then his wife is being a complete jerk. I guess it has something to do with the fact that they weren't given physical custody and were ordered to pay almost $1100 per month in cs.

Since court, I have made it a point to be very nice towards him, and he has very decent to me...when she's not around. Lately, I received an email from my ex's wife asking to me to send lunch money & breakfast money for the kids; I returned an email to him to see if I need to pack the kids lunch for school (he has overnight visitation once per week) and his wife replies from her work email account with "nasty" emails. I kindly informed her that I didn't email her; that I emailed him. She claims that since they are married, then I have to deal with her too. I explained that she wasn't there during conception, and I don't have to...if he choses to relay things that he and I have discussed than by all means he's entitled to do so!

My husband doesn't interfere! They have also said that I need to send toothbrushes, toothpaste, soap, shampoo & all children's clothing when they go with him (something they never asked for before court...in fact the step mother threw out the toothbrushes that they already had there, when my 9 yr. old asked why they had to bring new ones when they already had them at his house). I have no problem sending the things that the children need, but I feel they are doing it out of spite, and I feel if I "give them an inch then they will take a mile". I also asked her to stop emailing me, and she replied with "stop emailing him!"

He was bringing the children's dirty clothing by on Thursday afternoons so the kids wouldn't have to carry them around school, but she's put a stop to that and stated that the clothing would be returned when they picked up the children the next time. Keep in mind the clothing is returned dirty and smelly after sitting dirty in a bag for almost a week! How should I approach this situation. I'm trying to be as civil and informative as I can to him, but his wife is always making smart ass remarks and is really just making everything unbearable! Thanks!

 

[Zephyr]

there's not much that you can do legally, you can certainly do a block sender on emails from her work account.

have you nicely asked him to leash and muzzle his dog?

 

[brisgirl825]

have you nicely asked him to leash and muzzle his dog?

LMAO!!

OP, as Wannacry said, you can't do anything. It's up to dad to grow some manly stuff and stand up to her. Just keep being civil.

GL.

 

[Fairy4]

WANNACRY, you are too funny! Although it is sad, because I can't help but feel that she is going to take out her animosity towards me on the kids.

As for him growing manly stuff; that's only a dream. Never has he had his own backbone, and I'm sad to say that he never will. He's not a horrible person, but I pity him for making such a poor decision in his life!

I've blocked all her email accounts, but I know she'll just create another using yahoo and email me yet again...when is enough, enough?

 

[brisgirl825]

WANNACRY, you are too funny! Although it is sad, because I can't help but feel that she is going to take out her animosity towards me on the kids.

As for him growing manly stuff; that's only a dream. Never has he had his own backbone, and I'm sad to say that he never will. He's not a horrible person, but I pity him for making such a poor decision in his life!

I've blocked all her email accounts, but I know she'll just create another using yahoo and email me yet again...when is enough, enough?

How often is she emailing? Just when you write dad?

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state? VA

My ex I went to court 2 weeks ago tomorrow, and since then his wife is being a complete jerk. I guess it has something to do with the fact that they weren't given physical custody and were ordered to pay almost $1100 per month in cs. SInce court, I have made it a point to be very nice towards him, and he has very decent to me...when she's not around. Lately, I received an email from my ex's wife asking to me to send lunch money & breakfast money for the kids; I returned an email to him to see if I need to pack the kids lunch for school (he has overnight visitation once per week) and his wife replies from her work email account with "nasty" emails. I kindly informed her that I didn't email her; that I emailed him. She claims that since they are married, then I have to deal with her too. I explained that she wasn't there during conception, and I don't have to...if he choses to relay things that he and I have discussed than by all means he's entitled to do so! My husband doesn't interfer! They have also said that I need to send toothbrushes, toothpaste, soap, shampoo & all children's clothing when they go with him. I have no problem sending the things that the children need, but I feel they are doing it out of spite, and I feel if I "give them an inch then they will take a mile". I asked her to stop emailing me, and she replied with "stop emailing him"....he was bringing the children's dirty clothing by on Thursday afternoons so the kids wouldn't have to carry them around, but she's put a stop to that and she stated that the clothing would be returned when they picked up the children the next time. Keep in mind the clothing is returned dirty and smelly after sitting dirty in a bag for almost a week! How should I approach this situation. I'm trying to be as civil and informative as I can to him, but his wife is always making smart ass remarks and is really just making everything unbearable! Thanks!

You know, you really don't have to send toothpaste, shampoo etc....that is really ridiculous. Its also ridiculous that dad isn't washing the kid's clothes before returning them. However, obviously his wife is REALLY pissed off about losing and having to pay child support. The best thing I can suggest is to block her emails and refuse to communicate with anyone but dad.

 

[corset]

step parent troubl

dirty clothes
my ex girlfriend once did that, took alot not to throw the dirty clothes back at the individual, kindly ask him to do the kids wash, be nice and civil
and if that dont work just hold your tongue and smile and pray, i do alot of that when my kids go with their father
as for the toothbrushes, why keep buying new ones,,, every six months or unless they get sick should new ones be brought
some people just like to be mean and heartless

good luck

 

[NCP Dad in TN]

Can you do what my wife and I do? Whatever the kids come over to our house in, they go back home in. Their first night with us (three kids) I gather up all their clothes, including underwear, socks, hair accessories... and I get it all washed, folded, and ready to put back on when they go back to Mom's house. When they are with us, they wear the clothes WE buy for them. It works out fine for us, and the clothes we buy stay here and the clothes SHE buys stays at her house. I know some might say that is a bother, but honestly, when you spend good money on clothes, the last thing you want to do is send them away to where they may get lost or ruined (especially if there is some spite going on, as it is for your ex's wife.)
NO you do NOT have to send toothbrushes, soap, shampoo, etc. That is ridiculous!!! I know you might feel that if you don't send it, the child won't have these items, but it is their responsibility to provide these things when the child(ren) are in their home. If they do NOT provide it, I would take some sort of action on that (I'll leave that part up to the professionals, as I am not versed enough in that area.)
As far as emailing... your ex's wife is NOT a parent. My wife is a wonderful stepmom, but I do not expect her to communicate with my ex wife for me. If you ask stepmom to stop emailing you, and she persists, either block her emails or file a report for harassment. It may not get you anywhere (the report) but it will send a clear message to her that you are serious. PRINT ALL THE EMAILS SHE SENDS. You will be glad you did if this is the beginning of a long road of harassment.
Hope this helps.

 

[Fairy4]

NCP Dad: We used to do the same thing regarding clothing, but since court they have decided that I am to provide everything "since I receive so much child support" (SM words). SM said their attorney had advised them not to provide anything for the kids anymore, and to request it from me. The court order doesn't say anything about who is to provide what while the kids are with ex. They claim that they don't have the $$ now to support the kids while they are with ex They do have clothes for the kids there (and have had them for about 3 years), but refuse to use them now!

Bleulaluna: She wouldn't call my house and leave a message...I don't think. I spoke with my Ex yesterday and he said that we would just contact eachother verbally...let's see how long that lasts. The way I see it is if she doesn't like him emailing me, then she definitely won't like him coming over to talk to me!

 

[NCP Dad in TN]

I am NOT an attorney, simply a NCP dad who struggles daily with similar issues, but my instinct tells me that your ex and the stepmom aren't the ones who make the rules about who pays for what.
My ex is the CP, and I pay her 41% of my salary in support. That is a lot (to me) but that is the percentage my state requires for 3 children. And in the beginning, when we first divorced, I was only getting the kids every weekend. But I never "assumed" that since she was getting so much support she had to provide ME with the necessary things to take care of the kids on MY time. That's absurd!
Your ex and his wife ARE expected to provide, nurture, and care for the child when that child is with them. How is your Order worded, exactly? For example, mine states that the Mother will have responsibility for the children except during X days at X times, in which the Father will have responsibility of the children. I'm paraphrasing because I don't have my Order in front of me but I know that is pretty close to how it is worded. That tells me that on MY time, I am responsible for caring for my kids... be it meals, toiletries, etc. Does your ex and his wife expect you to provide his meals, too? Like dinners and stuff? And if they go out to eat, do they make him bring money along or he can't order food? They better not be doing that.
Does your ex have an email account at HIS work that his wife cannot access? If so, that would be the most private way to communicate without all this interference. I seriously doubt his wife is going to tolerate frequent phone calls between the two of you as it sounds like she has some control issues. I know it's unfortunate, because she shouldn't be interferring with the two parents communication, but that is really up to your ex to take care of. He needs to set her straight and come up with an acceptable form of communciation with you for your CHILD. That is who is suffering most when the adults cannot effectively communicate.
Have your attorney clarify who is responsible for what. Perhaps he can fire off a letter to your ex's attorney telling them what their responsiblities are. I doubt you are required to micro parent for them. And if they are NOT providing the necessities, file a motion for neglect (or whatever else your attorney advises.)

 

[lisagr33]

Fairy4-Here is the bottom line. NCP needs to buy anything that your children require at their house. You don't have to supply them with anything. As for the clothes, ask dad to wash them and put them in the bag. Otherwise, don't send your clothes with them. That, as NCPdad in TN stated, is a good idea. Dad should let the children wear clothes that they bought while they are with him and then the clothes that they had on when he picked them up should be washed and put back on them when they are brought back to you. It sounds like SM is just trying to rule the roost. She apparently doesn't like you or the situation and is just making it harder on the dad. Tell dad he needs to grow a backbone and stand up to her and to stop making life so miserable for the children when they are with him or they could end up resenting him and her.

 

[haiku]

personally to me the laundry issue may be a PITA, but in the scheme of things, just a whatever floats her boat kinda thing. I have said it before on this forum, that unless my steps are spending the week with us, I DON'T do any laundry. My husband gets his kids one wekend a month, so realy don't think its too hard for thier mother to send them clothes for that amount of time.

the toiletry issue, is just plain stupid, and petty, and I would refuse to send them anything, as dad must have soap in his house, already. I would likely buy them toothbrushes and tell them to leave them there, and tell dad they are leaving them there, and to knock off all this petty crap.

I would then block all of his wifes e-mail address's and screen my calls. And continue to remind my ex, that what involves the kids is between him and I. I would explain to him things such as, normally FAMILY members SHARE soap and toothpaste, shampoo, towels, etc.....

kids are never blind, eventually they figure out who the 'weirdo's" are. As long as you continue to REFUSE to engage his wife, the kids will see and eventually learn to deal with the issue, and we can hope that eventually things will calm down.

 

[Fairy4]

Our court order doesn't say who is to provide for the kids when they are with their Dad.

It just states that I have physical custody, and we have joint legal custody, and that he has every other weekend visitation, every Wed. visitation (overnight), 3 weeks of visitation in the summer, and shared/split Holidays. Also it has he has to pay $275 every Friday, and that he doesn't get a reduction in cs at all. Also it states that neither parent or step-parents are to talk about the other parent negatively in front of the children.

I did request that the tolietries be kept at his house, but they come back each time (the soap, toothpaste, shampoo have never even been opened). I would love to not to send everything with the kids, but I don't want them to go without, and I'm also wary because he stated that he might appeal the order.

They took the kids to an amusement park last weekend (my weekend) and the SM stated that I didn't have to send any spending money because they had tickets that included lunch and spending money; so I am assuming that they would of requested it otherwise. I know there will come a time when they do request money...for example me having to send the kids with lunch money on Wed. evenings!)

I have blocked her emails, and unfortunately she has access to ex's email account at her work, but he doesn't have internet access at work (factory work).

 

[Making1962]

My ex's wife has done the same thing. When she was angry with me, no child support. I stopped conversing with him via email because I was never sure the reply was from him or her? Sometimes it was a nasty reply and made me think that she either answered or she was there when he did so he had to impress her. I think in person or by telephone is the best way.
If you do that, you won't have to block emails because you won't be sending any.

 

[jslopez711]

Keep in mind that if you plan to use the harrasement case against SM you will have to do it in another court.
Family court is not for harrasment. If you are going to bring her up on charges you need to go through your local police department and the DA. I would talk to the Police because they can make a phone call to SM. Sometimes that is all they need.

My ex's husband unfortunatelly is stupid. I actually got the oportunity to have the state charge him with phone harrasment. He was picked up on the day of my ex's birthday. They have never gotten over that, but I guess they should have thought about it during the 145 phone calls in one everning that he made to my phone.

My ex is a freak too. I wash the clothes but she re-washes them because I didn't do it her way. As for the toothbrushes. Just don't aknowledge that.

I want to recomend that you and your ex find a way to comunicate via e-mail because it is a good way to document some of your agreements.

Good luck.