step parenting

[lisagr33]

What is the name of your state?TN. I want to ask a question regarding step parenting. First off I am not against step parents. I am a step parent myself however, my stepchildren are my age. My husband, stepdad to my children, has made it perfectly clear that he will not punish my children when they are with us. He feels that the biological parents should be the ones punishing their children. He, the stepdad, spent twenty-four years in the military and is a strict disciplinaran. If I am not there he will talk to them about what they did wrong and tell them the rules of the house but as for punishing he leaves it up to me. My ex, whom I have posted about several times, has given his wife, our childrens' stepmom, free rein on punishing our children. What is the difference between what the stepdad does and the stepmom does? The reason I ask is because even before my ex married his wife, he allowed her to punish our children when he was not there. Is that right? Stepdad knows that our children have a father and while he, as of right now, does not have very kind words for my ex, he still realizes that my children have a father. However, my ex has told our children and his wife has told our children that I am a bad mother. Sorry for the rambling. I just need advice.

 

[stealth2]

Dad can give stepMom the authority to discipline in their home. Pretty much the only place she shouldn't go is hitting/spanking/etc.

 

[tigger22472]

What is the name of your state?TN. I want to ask a question regarding step parenting. First off I am not against step parents. I am a step parent myself however, my stepchildren are my age. My husband, stepdad to my children, has made it perfectly clear that he will not punish my children when they are with us. He feels that the biological parents should be the ones punishing their children. He, the stepdad, spent twenty-four years in the military and is a strict disciplinaran. If I am not there he will talk to them about what they did wrong and tell them the rules of the house but as for punishing he leaves it up to me. My ex, whom I have posted about several times, has given his wife, our childrens' stepmom, free rein on punishing our children. What is the difference between what the stepdad does and the stepmom does? The reason I ask is because even before my ex married his wife, he allowed her to punish our children when he was not there. Is that right? Stepdad knows that our children have a father and while he, as of right now, does not have very kind words for my ex, he still realizes that my children have a father. However, my ex has told our children and his wife has told our children that I am a bad mother. Sorry for the rambling. I just need advice.

The legalities is this, pretty much unless it's coporal punishment step-mom has dad's permission to do so. To be honest my husband encouraged it with me and my step-daughter on the basis that she would respect me and do as I say. Try to look at it this way also, babysitters punish.

My step-daughter's mom was married to a man for a few years and he was much like your husband. If her children did something wrong he would call her up and tell her while she was at work and he would dish out the punishment she stated, whether it be grounding or whatever. In my husband's opinion, his daughter walked all over her step-dad.

So basically it comes down to what you believe or how you believe it should be done. As far as dad talking about you to the children that isn't right and try to speak logically to the children to counter his actions.

 

[tigger22472]

Another way to look at it is there there are many people, besides a child's parents, that may discipline. Ex. A school teacher, a bus driver, a principal, a coach, a babysitter, crossing guards, etc. All of the adults in a child's life, parents and everyone else, should use discipline to teach a child how to turn into a great adult. I'm sure that you don't get upset at your child's teacher when recess priviledges are taken away. Think of SM the same way. She's living in a home with your children, don't you want them to be taught how to behave? Another ex. My SS is always at home with me, my husband works long hours. If I didn't discipline him how would he ever learn consequences for his actions?

I agree, along with learning respect

 

[Rushia]

99.9% of the time, the ONLY person that my children will listen to is the stepdad. We all do the count thing.."You better knock it off by the time that I count to three or (threat ensues)!! One...two..." Now all my hubby has to do is look at the children with a raised eyebrow and hold up his fingers for the countdown and they're gone. Ugh, how does he DO that!!??/

 

[tigger22472]

99.9% of the time, the ONLY person that my children will listen to is the stepdad. We all do the count thing.."You better knock it off by the time that I count to three or (threat ensues)!! One...two..." Now all my hubby has to do is look at the children with a raised eyebrow and hold up his fingers for the countdown and they're gone. Ugh, how does he DO that!!??/

It's a man thing..LOL I credit my husband for the way my children are now. They are good kids that prior to he and I being together walked all over me yet I didn't see it that badly. Looking back I shudder to think how they would have turned out without him. In the same respect, he and I recently had a discussion about how he did the hard part, let me take over now ...lol The two older ones are almost 15 and 12 although still need punished from time to time I think should also have some headway and given some more priviledges so he's stepped back a bit.

 

[casa]

What is the name of your state?TN. I want to ask a question regarding step parenting. First off I am not against step parents. I am a step parent myself however, my stepchildren are my age. My husband, stepdad to my children, has made it perfectly clear that he will not punish my children when they are with us. He feels that the biological parents should be the ones punishing their children. He, the stepdad, spent twenty-four years in the military and is a strict disciplinaran. If I am not there he will talk to them about what they did wrong and tell them the rules of the house but as for punishing he leaves it up to me. My ex, whom I have posted about several times, has given his wife, our childrens' stepmom, free rein on punishing our children. What is the difference between what the stepdad does and the stepmom does? The reason I ask is because even before my ex married his wife, he allowed her to punish our children when he was not there. Is that right? Stepdad knows that our children have a father and while he, as of right now, does not have very kind words for my ex, he still realizes that my children have a father. However, my ex has told our children and his wife has told our children that I am a bad mother. Sorry for the rambling. I just need advice.

The difference between stepmom and stepdad is you agree with stepdad's actions and you do not agree with stepmomn's actions. Simply- you have an X who is physically punishing your children and allowing his wife to do the same...and you are against physical punishment.

With a court order that specifies no one is to hit/spank the child, it's still hard to prove if you took it to court.

The important question should be:Is the punishment excessive? Are the children being abused?

 

[stealth2]

Ugh, how does he DO that!!??/

Just have to cultivate "the look".

 

[stepmom&mom]

Personally, I think it would be ineffective if my husband were to NOT discipline my child in my absence. For one thing, there are many times when certain actions require immediate attention. If my husband just sets it aside until I return home, then the lesson could be lost. This is particularly important with younger children who will often not be able to recall what they did many hours later when the other parent returns. Additionally, I have an expectation that my children will respect all adults. Treating stepparents as subhuman does not benefit the children's learning process.

Punishment doesn't have to involve pain. In fact, it doesn't even have to be punishment. Discipline is about teaching children proper behavior. There are many techniques for doing such. Time out is a very effective form of discipline, one in which I would give any adult permission to use with my children, related or not.

 

[Rushia]

It's a man thing..LOL I credit my husband for the way my children are now. They are good kids that prior to he and I being together walked all over me yet I didn't see it that badly. Looking back I shudder to think how they would have turned out without him. In the same respect, he and I recently had a discussion about how he did the hard part, let me take over now ...lol The two older ones are almost 15 and 12 although still need punished from time to time I think should also have some headway and given some more priviledges so he's stepped back a bit.

It can't be a man thing cause they don't listen to their father. As most of you know from my previous postings, all four of us parents are prone to get together and hang out with our kids. Me, SM and dad could be screaming our heads off to get them to listen and hubby holds up that finger and the kids just wilt. Kinda funny actually. I feel the same way though. My boy would have been atrocious if my hubby hadn't stepped in.

 

[stealth2]

It is NOT a man thing. My SIL is still trying to figure out what the "cue" is when the kids start up.

 

[haiku]

Its "THE LOOK" practice it in a mirror!

 

[stealth2]

LOL It is, but a less obvious version coupled with body language. The kids can read it like no one's business, and know it's time to cut it out.

 

[tigger22472]

I'm usually very timid so there are times in which I get the same results. The joke is it takes a lot to set me off but look out when it happens. At that point hubby just steps aside, usually VERY quickly... The kids have heard more then once.. "Oh man, you done did it and pissed HER off now."

 

[Rushia]

I'm usually very timid so there are times in which I get the same results. The joke is it takes a lot to set me off but look out when it happens. At that point hubby just steps aside, usually VERY quickly... The kids have heard more then once.. "Oh man, you done did it and pissed HER off now."

That's what we say when they tick off SM, she's the most timid of all of us. She was crying the first time she told me that she had to pop our son on the butt. I laughed at her and told her if she did that then he MUST have needed it. I laugh everytime they tell me she did (which may have been a handful of times in the past two years), as long as they don't come home bruised and bloody, I see nothing wrong with her doing it. I know alot of people here don't agree with either corporal punishment and esp with a stepparent doing it, but I see nothing wrong with a pop on the rear. I know she won't hurt him and I know she doesn't really do it hard enough to hurt them (and she uses it as a very last resort). It's more the shock that she did it in the first place that gets the kids. I used to love the whole mime show I got from our daugher when she tried to tattle on either SM or SD for doing it to her. "No mom, (either SD or SM name inserted here, with her hand popping her own butt) smacked my butt!!" I'd laugh at her and she kept doing the routine as if I was supposed to DO something. The four of us would be in tears by the time she was done and in the corner pouting cause the bios wouldn't help her.