Suggesting counseling ...

[casa]

I'm sorry. But I'm not changing asshat's and stupidhead's names.

And my youngest's Dad will FOREVER be my nuttyX...because, he's just NUTS!

 

[stealth2]

And my youngest's Dad will FOREVER be my nuttyX...because, he's just NUTS!

But....nuttyX can be endearing. Some of the others? Not so much.

 

[casa]

What is the name of your state? MD

...without repercussions to the child.

Ok, when I p/u Little Miss ProSe this past Wednesday, we had a looooooong talk, that she initiated, where she stated to me that she cries at least 1 time every time she does homework at ...her... house. This is because she gets "frustrated"(her word, not mine, which surprised me coming from her) because she gets "yelled" at a lot when she does her homework.

I explained to her that she can talk to me, or my gf(who she's known since she was 2 and has a great relationship with) about the frustration part, and that she shouldn't keep it bottled up inside(something I do and am trying to change).

My worry about that is that it will put me(or my gf) in a position of having to speak ill of ...her..., and I have 0 desire to do so to my daughter.

I have been considering counseling, in an effort to let her be able to get her feelings out(even though personally, I am not a fan of "counseling" if it can be avoided) with an impartial 3rd party. I know that if I take that route, I will have to inform ...her..., and I am worried about repercussions for LMPS from her mom for having talked about this with me in the first place.

Any thoughts on how to broach the subject with someone who is openly hostile with you?

E-mail...and not direct conversation.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

E-mail...and not direct conversation.

to the point and non-confrontational. make use of "I" message and avoid the "YOU" message.

 

[casa]

But....nuttyX can be endearing. Some of the others? Not so much.

LOL...true. Definately better than what I'm sure he calls Me.

Interesting side note~ It also happens that a parent who speaks disparagingly of the other parent...can find themselves alienating THEMSELF, as the child can end up becoming defensive of the 'trashed' parent. Happened to my little one. She was only 4 yrs old telling the therapist things like "My Daddy lies a lot" and "My Daddy says lots of mean names to ME & Mommy". (He never said names to HER, but she FELT like it included us BOTH...as children identify as extensions of BOTH their parents)

My 2c. Take or Toss

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

I’m thinking that I may be mis-communicating here.

When I say that I don’t talk about “the ex”, I mean that I don’t bring up questions about Mommy, per se. I absolutely ask my daughter about her activities while she wasn’t with me, and since those times are when LMPS is with the ex, she comes up in the conversation. I’ve often pointed out how she gets to do things there that she doesn’t do with me(the most recent example being roller skating, which her mom loves to do), and vice versa. So far, that kind of thing seems to be a “win-win” for the little one.

The main reason that LMPS knows that Mommy and Daddy “don’t agree” is because the ex told her some about our last hearing after LMPS asked her why she couldn’t spend more time with me. She brought this up with my gf, but I was there.

She may well be “playing” me, and although I think some of you are taking it as a given that she is, I’m not 100% convinced either way.

See, this is the reason I come here. Thanks…

And casa, I very much agree with your last thought...

 

[5sfsniper]

E-mail...and not direct conversation.

I want to endorse tthe email deal. It is best. My ex burned her mind up on drugs as a teen and it was undetectable well into the marraige. She is 15 yoa in her mind. She is unable to hold a conversation or remember important details like dates and times.

For instance I was on my two week uninterrupted vacation. We went back east to Ft Bragg musuems, DC etc. I asked for 4 additional days in trade, so I could travel and get us to all the attractions we had planned. She agreed. I was enroute and at a resteraunt when we recieved a call wanting to know if I would be home soon. I reminded her of the 4 days and she blew up on me. I was new with cell phones and it was on speaker. The kids and I sat through a huge rage while every one looked at us. I laughed. But had I communicated in email, the record would have been there.

I always try and send a print screen of a prior labelled outlook calender, or a very simple email summary with whatever I am communicating to her. Always be polite and firm, no emotion, and absolutely don't say anything that will show up in a printed copy in court. I use the divorce papers to outline anything I say. Occasionally there are things beyond the papers, but just use caution. My ex would argue with a tree trunk if I told her it said one of many trigger points to her, so email is safe if used carefully.

 

[toomuchstress]

She may well be “playing” me, and although I think some of you are taking it as a given that she is, I’m not 100% convinced either way.

QUOTE]



Regardless of if she's playing you or not, it seems to me that alot of people's problem is that they're always trying to find something to use against their ex. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. Your ex will never parent the way you feel she should, but that doesn't mean you get to tell her how to parent nor can she tell you. Family dynamics in a divorce situation are really different. A child may have just Mom at home and then a whole other family at Dad's. That means the relationships with the parents and attention time is different. If there's no other signs of a problem with LMPS, I would let it slide and concentrate on enjoying your time with her. You will enjoy your time better if you're not looking for problems with Mom.

 

[wileybunch]

OK, first, this thread is totally being necroposted ....

To ProSe ... my son just melted down the other night (3rd grade) His teachers are really tough this year and really pile it on and he wasn't getting one long-term writing assignment thing done that was worth 4 grades so was told he'd get an F for those and he was very freaked out. He was in tears in between yelling at me about what was he supposed to do sorta thing and me calmly giving him suggestions and encouragement, none of which was apparently high drama enough to top him. I also know he's capable of doing it and crying about it wasn't going to get it done, either. You can do so much soothing and then you have to tell the kids to either sink or swim, their choice. If you really think she is struggling with homework more than she "should", maybe you should talk to the school counselor, but first talk to Mom, not b/c Mom's doing anything wrong, but maybe the child needs some assurance she can do it or maybe she really does need some help or has a learning disability not yet detected. If my ex went around me b/c of my son's drama, I would not be happy with him at all.

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

Thanks for the new responses.

And welcome aboard 5sf

We had a P/T conference in Novemeber(supposed to be joint, but was not). The Ex and I didn't even discuss any of it until just before Christmas(she said she didn't think I was "serious about it"). Also turns out we got different information, but that's another, longer story. Long story short, LMPS has some attention issues we are currently trying to address which will hopefully help with the homework, and in the long run, improve her overall academic performance.

LMPS was invited by the school counselor to join a "Changing Families" group. She started Monday, and apparently had a mini meltdown with Mom on the way home. Since The Ex and I have not lived together since LMPS was 1, she really doesn’t know what it’s like having Mom and Dad in the same house. The other kids do, and her listening to them talk about it made her want Mom and Dad together. We talked about it and she seems fine with that now(well, as fine as a semi-dramatic, fairly emotional 8y.o. girl can be).

The only part of the whole thing that stressed me was that, when I talked with her on Monday night, she told me that she didn’t feel like she could be honest in the group. It’s like she’s afraid she’s going to get in trouble somehow for it.

I explained to her that she needs to be honest, otherwise how can she help the other kids(who are all her age, and mostly from newly separated/divorced parents)? She seems to really like that idea...

 

[wileybunch]

The only part of the whole thing that stressed me was that, when I talked with her on Monday night, she told me that she didn’t feel like she could be honest in the group. It’s like she’s afraid she’s going to get in trouble somehow for it.

I explained to her that she needs to be honest, otherwise how can she help the other kids(who are all her age, and mostly from newly separated/divorced parents)? She seems to really like that idea...

If she can open up under that premise, that's good.
If she truly doesn't like opening up in a group, I can't say as I blame her! It's not a requirement or one fails at life. But, if that were the case, then that would be a clear indicator individual counseling is wanted and needed.

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

If she can open up under that premise, that's good.
If she truly doesn't like opening up in a group, I can't say as I blame her! It's not a requirement or one fails at life. But, if that were the case, then that would be a clear indicator individual counseling is wanted and needed.

It's not the group setting that bothers her. She doesn't want to hurt anybodys feelings by being honest. I think that she is afraid that somebody is going to be upset and make LMPS feel bad about having the feelings she has.

I called and asked the counselor to reiterate to her that the only way to be helped, or to help, was to be honest. Found out that the day after her meltdown, she went on her own to see the counselor. The counselor recommended waiting till the group(LMPS calls it her "club") stops meeting in February to decide on any additional help.

Either way, I am hoping that the group will help.