Suggestions Please

[concernedmom4ki]

I have to come up with some type of arrangement to get kids to & from school with a 40-50 min car ride each way every day.
We have a crazy schedule - every 2 days we switch our custody.

I am trying to figure out how to deal with transporting kids 40-50 mins one way in morning traffic to get them to school every morning from his house ( I do not even know where he lives) & how to get them to afterschool activities and at the same time give them enough time to do homework, baths, eating time etc.
I do not want the courts to use them not going to afterschool activities against me when we go back to court in November for the permanent hearing - so what do I do about games/practice/etc?
Sometimes I will have 3 different games in 3 different towns at 3 different times on the same day...
I can have one start at 5 then end at 6 in one town, then have another game starting at 6 in town #2 and end at 7 then game #3 start at 7:30 or 8 in town #3 and end later around 9 - now, that DOESN'T allow for ANY time to do studying for major tests etc . Their father started all of these games, etc. I DON'T want the courts saying well, you guys did it before
- Their father is not helping out now and we were great partners in getting all of this done together before he got remarried.-
(IN FACT,he is making it as hard as he possibly can, down to giving the school supplies he bought them to start school in diff town- gave them away)

......So, I've asked for him to let them stay with me on school nights, what if 'father' won't agree for them to stay with me on those nights, what can I do??? The court order says that we have worked out 3 days one week and 4 days the next - which ends up being that we switched custody days every 2 days with the exception of weekends because we lived 10 minutes from each other.
We both worked close to each other and their school - but now it has become increasely difficult & he won't agree to changing custody days AT ALL!!!

Distance explanation:

Try to keep this short - father works 8 miles past my house in the next town going one way(1) - I live in the same town(2) as our kids' school town(2)- then there is the next town where his wife works (3)- then there is the next town where her kids go to school (4)- then there is another town (5)- then there is the next town that they live in(6).

#1 Fwks- #2 I wk/kids'school- #3 SM wks- #4 SKids school-#5-#6 F&SM lives
Sorry so long but you need all info for an accurate response and that way you aren't wasting your time.

Thank you for any and ALL advice!

 

[concernedmom4ki]

ok stealth, part of this I'm going to answer - but part I still need you guys - I WILL make them go - that's not my question - is there a 'way' I get around this current court order if he doesn't agree but that still abides by this court ordered time with both parents, etc - I guess more or less I can bend his arm and say that it's the same amount of time at both homes just easier on kids etc?
Our arrangement for 3 nights one week, 4 nights the next has never been in writing - it's always been verbal - the court order only states '3 nts/4 nts' thing. So is there a way I can swing this that will help my kids not flunk their grades??? Their father WILL make them do the drive at 8:30 or 9:00 at night to get to his house then baths and 2-3 hrs of hmwk then get them back up at 5:30am and do the drive etc to school over here - he has never thought of them, only of himself. I'm afraid their school grades etc will start dropping...

 

[stealth2]

Honestly? Your description of the situation makes no sense to me. that's why I haven't responded. What y'all verbally agreed to is moot. What does the order say - specifically. Who created the distance? Who is responsible for transportation? Why can your kids not do homework before they go to Dad's?

Even when mine have games/meets - there is time either before they start or after they end that is before 8:30pm. There are 40-50 minutes in the car that they can do schoolwork in both directions. There's homeroom. There's lunch. Both of those can be used to do homework. And if they can't find the time to do homework otherwise - sports are out. Make them responsible for figuring out how to get their work done.

 

[concernedmom4ki]

clarification I hope

I explained the driving for hopes of you knowing that bio-father works past me - has to drive past my town on the way home every day. I wouldn't mind if he and the kids eat dinner every single night (if he wishes) but I've asked him to let them stay here at night during the school week so they can concentrate on their studies and extra curricular activities.
Last year, my oldest child would start homework when he got out of school and would still be working on completing it at 10pm sometimes. He made all A's and the highest average in his class last year. My second child takes a while to get their studies done because they struggle and it takes more time - and this year I have a 3rd child starting Kindergarten. They all go to a private school. Last yr their grandmother watched them and this year it looks like I am going to have to pick them up from school every afternoon and take them back to work with me until I get off.
They don't have Homeroom. Can't afford afterschool program where they could do hmwrk - no child support and don't make enough money at my job - my family pays for their school - father doesn't contribute. Not complaining, just letting you know my situation.

 

[stealth2]

You don't say how old they are, but if my kid was having to consistently spend that amount of time on homework - extracurriculars would be out of the question. I'm sorry. I know kids in a variety of excellent public and private schools, and not a one spends that sort of time on homework.

And that didn't answer a one of my other questions.

 

[concernedmom4ki]

Kids don't do homework before they go to dad's because I am at work. I manage a grocery store and I can't sit down with them until I leave.

I will pick them up from school every day at 2:45/3:00 but I will have to figure out how to open a store at 9/10am and leave by 2:40 every day to pick kids up from school AND still keep a 40 hr work week and my job!!! - so usually I work early am's and work double 12hr shifts on weekends to make up time because I schedule myself around my kids' schedule)

If he would help me with after school costs I could afford afterschool program. We agreed to him paying baby's daycare costs and now baby is starting kindergarten and bio-father won't help with any child care expenses even though he works too. I make $9/hr so I don't even bring home the $200/week it would cost me for afterschool care. GM watched them last 3 yrs but can't this yr because Gdaughter on other side needs to be picked up from another school in afternoons and father won't let me ask her to help - he's making it as hard as possible on me so I will cave and he knows I can't afford the childcare)

I have a 12 yr old, an 8 yr old, and a 5 yr old.

As far as letting their extracurricular stuff go, I wouldn't care because it gets exhausting doing it all and keeping up the schedule, but I don't want the guardian looking down on me for not being able to do everything me and their father were able to do before (the last 3-4 yrs) with extra stuff. He is wanting to take them and put them in the school over there and I won the temporary order letting them stay here in their 'home'town, where they have always lived and where the court papers were originally started and closed and now reopened by me -
Their father created the distance - their father moved away and is trying desperately to take the kids over there - put them in school with S-Mother's kids, new church, new step-grandmother - they don't grandparents over here much anymore and their father gets mad if I contact them and are nice to them and ask if they want to see kids. (father and kids lived with them for 5 yrs after father moved out - father exercised visitation/custody days at their home all those yrs so kids are extremely close to GPs)

 

[stealth2]

Why are the two older ones unable to start their homework on their own? Surely there are some parts of it that they are able to do w/o your help. Mine are 11 & 13, and they know that - whether I am home or not - after a quick snack, it's time for homework. There's no tv, no video games, no computer, no playing, no reading until that homework is done. Period. They've been doing this for a good 4 years (obviously, not coming home to an empty house - but it wouldn't always be me here). And both know that if extracurriculars in any way interfere with homework - they don't do the extra stuff. Dad can piss off on that one. School comes first.

 

[concernedmom4ki]

I agree with you just not sure how to go about all of this by myself now! I am scared that whatever I decide the courts are going to look at me badly and decide to let father take them and put them in new town, new school, new home with stepmother that makes them cry daily. SM has even gotten into it with me on a soccer field and said negative things to me in front of kids - their father and her scolded my then 4 yr old that was scared to play on a huge soccer field for the first time if he didn't get out there right then that they were 'GOING HOME' and he 'WAS NOT GOING TO PLAY AGAIN!' I had to break in on that one (I usually am more stand-offish and try not to cause waves) but that afternoon I thought that was totally uncalled for and told her they had a mother and she could go mother her own 2 - to leave mine alone - and took my crying son out of her view and took him home.

 

[LdiJ]

Kids don't do homework before they go to dad's because I am at work. I manage a grocery store and I can't sit down with them until I leave.

I will pick them up from school every day at 2:45/3:00 but I will have to figure out how to open a store at 9/10am and leave by 2:40 every day to pick kids up from school AND still keep a 40 hr work week and my job!!! - so usually I work early am's and work double 12hr shifts on weekends to make up time because I schedule myself around my kids' schedule)

If he would help me with after school costs I could afford afterschool program. We agreed to him paying baby's daycare costs and now baby is starting kindergarten and bio-father won't help with any child care expenses even though he works too. I make $9/hr so I don't even bring home the $200/week it would cost me for afterschool care. GM watched them last 3 yrs but can't this yr because Gdaughter on other side needs to be picked up from another school in afternoons and father won't let me ask her to help - he's making it as hard as possible on me so I will cave and he knows I can't afford the childcare)

I have a 12 yr old, an 8 yr old, and a 5 yr old.

As far as letting their extracurricular stuff go, I wouldn't care because it gets exhausting doing it all and keeping up the schedule, but I don't want the guardian looking down on me for not being able to do everything me and their father were able to do before (the last 3-4 yrs) with extra stuff. He is wanting to take them and put them in the school over there and I won the temporary order letting them stay here in their 'home'town, where they have always lived and where the court papers were originally started and closed and now reopened by me -
Their father created the distance - their father moved away and is trying desperately to take the kids over there - put them in school with S-Mother's kids, new church, new step-grandmother - they don't grandparents over here much anymore and their father gets mad if I contact them and are nice to them and ask if they want to see kids. (father and kids lived with them for 5 yrs after father moved out - father exercised visitation/custody days at their home all those yrs so kids are extremely close to GPs)

If dad created the distance..then dad is the one who is making things so much more difficult....and dad should be doing homework with them on his time....and dad is the one who should be providing the bulk of the transportation as well.

 

[concernedmom4ki]

My oldest does most of their hmwk on their own - my 2nd struggles big time and needs you to stay on top of them - they don't stay focused. They also struggle academically.

My smallest one is just starting.... so who knows>?

Anyway, I looked for the court order but can't find it - will keep looking. I know that it is SUCH a vague court order my attorney now CAN'T believe the judge signed off on it. There is NO set custody days, no stated switch times, nothing- just says what has been working should be continued... children are to stay with one parent 3 nights one week, then 4 nights the next - no court ordered phone calls like I keep hearing on here - nothing.

Any advice to what to do for court so far as all of this and getting him to agree to change of visitation days?

I DON'T care about child support as long as they kids are not having to be all over the next 3 counties and back again in a 24 hr period!

The kids don't want to do that much driving. He just moved in April and they are always tired - I know they are tired of riding in a car almost 2 hrs a day.
Yesterday their father got them up at 5:00 am, then brought them over here on his way to work to meet his mother so she could keep them during the day. This is crazy!

 

[concernedmom4ki]

If they get in bed at 10pm on these night he makes them go back to his house and they had games that night and hmwk and baths etc - because it's not going to be at 8:30 or 9:00 with having to drive so far at night - then having to get back up at 5:00 - these kids are never going to get the rest they need.
I live 7-8 minutes from their school and they can get in bed at 8:30 or 9:00 most nights and I wouldn't have to get them up until at least 7:00 because their school day doesnt' start until 8:15am....

...and stealth I edited the 1st post to try to make it sound better and make more sense!!! SO SO SORRY!!

 

[LdiJ]

You don't say how old they are, but if my kid was having to consistently spend that amount of time on homework - extracurriculars would be out of the question. I'm sorry. I know kids in a variety of excellent public and private schools, and not a one spends that sort of time on homework.

And that didn't answer a one of my other questions.

My daughter had anywhere from 1-2 hours a night of homework all through grade school. It actually didn't get better until middle school/high school.

I was PTA president at the time and fought the school mightily on that issue because I thought it was absurd for elementary school children. She normally had to bring home so many books that I had trouble lifting her bookbag...let alone her being able to carry it.

When she was in 4th grade it came to a "crisis". I kept getting the run-a-round from her teachers (they started team teaching at the 4th grade level) about how they were coordinating homework assignments and there was no way that she had to take home as many books as she was taking etc.....

So one day I loaded everything into her bookbag that the teachers had specifically required for homework purposes that day...and took her bookbag to the principal and asked her to lift it......things got better after that.

Anyway...the point I am making is that kids are given extraordinary amounts of homework these days. I know its not just in my community because I speak to parents all over the country on that issue.

 

[LdiJ]

If they get in bed at 10pm on these night he makes them go back to his house and they had games that night and hmwk and baths etc - because it's not going to be at 8:30 or 9:00 with having to drive so far at night - then having to get back up at 5:00 - these kids are never going to get the rest they need.
I live 7-8 minutes from their school and they can get in bed at 8:30 or 9:00 most nights and I wouldn't have to get them up until at least 7:00 because their school day doesnt' start until 8:15am....

Has a GAL been appointed for your children? Have you had the opportunity to make the judge aware of the nitty gritty details of their schedule?

Clearly with dad moving so far away a 50/50 schedule is simply not reasonable. However until a someone makes either a judge or GAL aware of just how unreasonable that schedule is....its not going to change.

Why did dad do that when its also so far away from where he works?

 

[stealth2]

You tell them that you expect them to start on their homework when they get home. Let them know what the consequences are of it not happening. Kids do tend to rise to expectations. And the older two are certainly old enough to make a start on their own. That may ease things a great deal for you.

I can only think of a handful of situations when my elder one has been doing homework at 10pm (and I realize that things will likely change tremendously when he hits HS). And that's on Mondays in Fall when he's running Cross Country, gets home at 5pm, and has Scouts at 7. That is a ROUGH day - especially if he's been at his Dad's the previous w/e and left school at noon on Friday to catch a flight, so has that work to make up as well.

I'd push your kids on this one if I were you. Maybe sit down at the start of the school year and figure out with them what work they can start. A lot of homework can be no-brainer, repetitive stuff - have them start on that. Your 12yo is getting to the grades where he needs to be more self-motivated. It will help them, and it will help you.

LOL I thought I was done, but no - I will add more Dear Abby advice. One of the things that REALLY helped here is sitting down with the kids and making sure that we are all on the same page. We're a family, the three of us, and it's important that we operate as a cohesive unit. The more work we can share, the more quickly it gets done and the more "fun" stuff we can do. If I'm doing all the household stuff as well as my work - it's gonna be a pretty cold day in hell before we have time to do something fun. We split up the chores pretty fairly - but when one of us needs it, the other two pick up the slack. And that includes the two kids stepping up to the plate when I need it. You can do this. Believe me. It will also give your kids important life skills.

 

[concernedmom4ki]

My attorney was working on the GAL last week - the judge let the lawyers tell us the decision because of school starting... so it's going to a GAL to look at it more in depth.