teenager visitation

[countrydad]

ohio
Both of my boys lived with me after my ex signed them over. we went through a dirty custody battle shortly after I remarried(she already remarried and her new husband had custody of his son). I won and she lost her shared custody. My oldest turned 14 and decided he wanted to live with his mom because she gives him what he wants. Instead of fighting, I gave in. My oldest used the fact that he hated my wife(his step mom). My youngest is 11 and has no problem.
ANYHOW.. My oldest is almost 16 and has refused to visit me. He told his mom that he hates my wife and my wife talks bad about her all the time. I tried to talk talk to my son, but he won't look at me. He says there is nothing to do at my house and he can't stand my wife. meanwhile, my 11 year old is furious with his brother and says he won't go to his mom's anymore then if his brother doesn't have to come here. He says his brother is a "bit fat lair" and only wants what his mom can buy.
My 11 year old has ADD and is 3 years behind his peers. My wife and I have both tried to tell him that he needs to see his mom and he is only going to hurt himself if he doesn't. As much as my ex messes with the boys minds, my youngest would hurt very bad without seeing her.
Is there any way I can make my oldest visit so I can see him(my wife gives us our time together).
I love my son, but he lies to me and his mom. She believes everything he tells her. He steals from us when he is here, but I want my visitation and so does my wife. We are both hurt by this.

 

[stealth2]

Children do not make these decisions. Unfortunately, parents give in to them so they won't come off as the "bad guy" and are then surprised when they lose control.

Presumably, when your oldest went to live with Mom, you had all the paperwork done through the courts, and have a specified visitation schedule. If NOT, and you still retain custody via the current court order, you go to your ex's house and tell the kid to pack up, he's coming home. Otherwise, you tell your ex and oldest son that you will be exercising your visitation rights and if they don't comply, you will be taking Mom to court for contempt and have the judge deal with it. And you tell your youngest son to get his butt in the car because he IS going to visit his mother as ordered.

Quit being "hurt" and take back the control that you blithely gave away to a child.

 

[LdiJ]

ohio
Both of my boys lived with me after my ex signed them over. we went through a dirty custody battle shortly after I remarried(she already remarried and her new husband had custody of his son). I won and she lost her shared custody. My oldest turned 14 and decided he wanted to live with his mom because she gives him what he wants. Instead of fighting, I gave in. My oldest used the fact that he hated my wife(his step mom). My youngest is 11 and has no problem.
ANYHOW.. My oldest is almost 16 and has refused to visit me. He told his mom that he hates my wife and my wife talks bad about her all the time. I tried to talk talk to my son, but he won't look at me. He says there is nothing to do at my house and he can't stand my wife. meanwhile, my 11 year old is furious with his brother and says he won't go to his mom's anymore then if his brother doesn't have to come here. He says his brother is a "bit fat lair" and only wants what his mom can buy.
My 11 year old has ADD and is 3 years behind his peers. My wife and I have both tried to tell him that he needs to see his mom and he is only going to hurt himself if he doesn't. As much as my ex messes with the boys minds, my youngest would hurt very bad without seeing her.
Is there any way I can make my oldest visit so I can see him(my wife gives us our time together).
I love my son, but he lies to me and his mom. She believes everything he tells her. He steals from us when he is here, but I want my visitation and so does my wife. We are both hurt by this.

Its really tough with teenagers who don't want to visit. Did you officially change custody when he went to live with his mother? If you didn't, then you have leverage to force him to visit. If you did, then you have the option of taking mom to court for contempt.

However, that is a two edged sword for you, because if the 11 year old isn't visiting his mom, then you are equally in contempt. While judges are a bit more lenient when it comes to older teens (because its recognized how difficult it is for a CP to force an older teen to visit) they are not lenient at all when it comes to younger kids.

The two of you (mom and dad) are really giving both of these kids too much power. They shouldn't be making the decisions. However, I also think its important to be flexible with teenagers...because once they turn 18 you can lose them completely if they see that day as "freedom from dad/mom" day.

Do you live close enough to mom that you could spend time with your 16 year old without actually having to force him to come to your home? Could you do things together?...maybe even sometimes include his friends? That is sometimes a better way to re-establish bonds with older teens. It would also give the two of you time to actually talk/communicate with each other one on one.